disappear or explain

[d0nnivain]

I have a friend who is a drama queen & a martyr. She has good qualities too. However she has fallen on hard times & can't see beyond her own misery.

 

 

Most of her problems are financial & she caused them by making a series of bad decisions. She overspent terribly & when the economy turned didn't readjust her lavish habits. She is also very bitter because she's approaching 50 & has never been married. She has unreasonable romantic expectations but that's a whole other story.

 

 

Anyway, it's impossible to talk to her anymore because all she can do is whine "woe is me." Some of her issues are ridiculous. She took a steady job last year after her business failed & is now upset because her bosses won't let her bring in some expensive desk chair she wants to go buy because it's more comfortable and stylish then the ugly one that came with her office.

 

 

I called her last night because I wanted to see how she was. We talked for a few minutes. She actually asked what was new with me. Stupidly I mentioned something bad in my life. Somebody is suing me. She started crying saying she can't talk to me because it's unfair of me to expect her to care about my problems when I have a husband & the money to pay the suit knowing she's broke & all alone.

 

 

It's ridiculous, I know.

 

 

But here's my dilemma: do I just fade away & not contact her anymore, in effect abandon her or do I try to talk to her & tell her that one of the reasons she's alone is that she pushes everybody away with her lack of empathy? the last time we tried to talk about money it got very ugly & we didn't speak for over 1 year. She came around after my father died.

 

 

I'm leaning toward just fade away. Who needs the confrontation?

[karnak]

I'm a guy. But I recently had a falling out with a woman friend (we were friends for almost 20 years).

 

Like your friend, she too made stupid choices in her life (most of them I had warned her about).

 

She's now 37, has a crappy job and is single. Well, guess what? When she was young (in her 20's) she wasn't interested in finding a decent guy, getting a job or doing anything but partying.

 

Well,, she's now feeling old and miserable. And is making a victim out of herself. Well... life has't been too kind on me either. But I'm not complaining about anything.

She, on the other hand, can't see anything beyond herself. And she tries to drag everyone into her problems.

 

I tried to help her. But the only thing I got was hate and depression on her part.

 

My advice is: move away quietly. If you try to face her and make her wake up you'll prbably just get into touble with her.

 

People never change.

 

Just focus in solving your problems. If she hasn't changed and she's 50 she won't change now.

[CC12]

I'm leaning toward just fade away.

 

This gets my vote. Sure, you can tell her why you don't want to be friends anymore (I'd leave out the "this is why you're alone" part) but it won't do any good. Someone so self-absorbed and entitled is not going to be receptive to criticism, especially from you since you couldn't possibly understand her struggles because you're married and financially stable.

 

But yeah, I totally understand why you don't want to be friends anymore. She's a bad friend. She thinks it's fine to bitch about an ugly office chair, but she can't bear to listen to your very real problems? Ugh, no. I'd be so done after that.

[d0nnivain]

But yeah, I totally understand why you don't want to be friends anymore.

 

I would love to be her friend still but I want the woman she used to be. She was wonderful & pulled me through one of the darkest portions of my professional life. I don't know where that person went but I miss her.

[Iguanna]

If you consider her a good person besides her flaws, I'd suggest you send her a letter expressing your concerns about her behavior and how in your opinion she could fix some things in her life. Friends are not there only to have good times and a laugh, they're there more importantly to note the mistakes and help fix them. Let her read the letter and think about what you write. Let her approach you after some time and if you see nothing has changed, you have every right to disappear.

[preraph]

Well, I was all set to write her off but then your later post said she pulled you through a crisis, so she isn't always this bad. If she's had your back in the past, I'd give her a shoulder now, though certainly her comment showing she can't worry about you right now was thoughtless, to say the least. But if she helped you in the past, she may again in the future once she gets past all this.

[writergal]

A friend is someone you want to be around when you feel like being alone. If you want to be honest with her then do so. I don't understand why people are afraid to be honest with each other. Hiding your true feelings is not good for you or for your friend because it's what leads to the silent treatment, builds resentment, causes assumptions, and creates havoc where none is necessary.

 

People need to stop being afraid of communication. Without it, relationships fail.

 

Life is about choosing your battles wisely. If it will make you feel better to be direct with your friend in a way that still supports the friendship, then do that. But if you want to end the friendship because it's become toxic for you then you have every right to do that as well.

 

I had to end a long-term friendship after the friend and I both failed to meet in the middle to resolve our differences in life goals and values. Not all friendships last and there's no need to hang on to a friendship that's run its course. I don't know if this friendship has run its course for you OP, but if you think it has, then I think you should not be afraid to end it for your own sake.

 

A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and hard to forget.

[d0nnivain]

If I thought the communication would lead to something positive, I'd talk to her. I think it will be pouring gas on the fire because she's not ready to hear anything I'd say. If I try to talk to her, part of me knows she'll take it as one more person dumping on her & that will end the friendship for all time.

 

 

If I just stop reaching out I will stop getting hurt but the door will theoretically remain open if she ever wants to repair our friendship.

 

 

It's been hard. I went from talking to her daily & seeing her weekly to conversations every few months. I saw her in December but couldn't tell you when the last time I saw her before that.

[preraph]

If she's going through a bad time, it's not a good time to have the talk. Just wait on that until things have settled down for her and then maybe have a little chat about it.

[d0nnivain]

If she's going through a bad time, it's not a good time to have the talk. Just wait on that until things have settled down for her and then maybe have a little chat about it.

 

 

 

This "bad time" has been going on for over 2 years now & until she address the issues that are pushing me away from her, the "bad time" won't end.

[Rubypumped]

If I thought the communication would lead to something positive, I'd talk to her. I think it will be pouring gas on the fire because she's not ready to hear anything I'd say. If I try to talk to her, part of me knows she'll take it as one more person dumping on her & that will end the friendship for all time.

 

 

If I just stop reaching out I will stop getting hurt but the door will theoretically remain open if she ever wants to repair our friendship.

 

 

It's been hard. I went from talking to her daily & seeing her weekly to conversations every few months. I saw her in December but couldn't tell you when the last time I saw her before that.

 

I disagree with @karnak. Part of friendship is sticking through the bad times.

 

I'm glad you're willing to reconcile once she is able to, and overall you seem to really care about her. Normally, I would advocate being upfront because I think it's cruel otherwise. But considering your reasoning, I think you would be right to fade away for now until you guys can have a healthy friendship again.

[preraph]

If she starts crying that easily just from hearing one of your problems, I might suggest to her she go see a psychologist -- or life coach.

[angel.eyes]

I would love to be her friend still but I want the woman she used to be. She was wonderful & pulled me through one of the darkest portions of my professional life. I don't know where that person went but I miss her.

 

Long-term friendships ebb and flow over the years. She's not capable of being supportive right now because she's feeling completely overwhelmed and hopeless about her own problems. She doesn't have perspective. Doesn't mean she's can't have perspective, just that she isn't capable of that right now.

 

She was there for you when you needed her. It would be nice if you could be there for her now that she's struggling. We're all human. I totally get your exasperation and frustration. We've all been in your shoes with some friend or other (and have probably been a source of frustration to others ourselves.)

 

Just meet with her periodically to offer her support and do something fun together, understanding that support and sympathy will flow unidirectionally for quite some time.

 

Another thing to bear in mind--people often aren't totally open about how bad things really are. Things may be far worse than you realize. It's very easy to vent by whining about superficial things like an ugly office chair or the boss' decision. Much harder to open up about more personal problems that are causing her real grief. I would just try to be patient with her for the foreseeable future and lend her a sympathetic ear. It's possible that right now she isn't comfortable discussing what's really bothering her.

 

And no, she's not going to be able to appreciate or understand a critique in her current state. So I wouldn't bother with that right now. Save it for later when she's in a better place and can see it as constructive feedback rather than yet another thing to add to the pile of woes she's currently struggling to manage.

 

You seem to be a good friend. Things will improve.

[tlegend]

Tell her the truth. If you can't be honest about your feelings, her feelings, and your advice on the situation, then what kind of friendship is this anyway?

 

I feel like it has devolved into something more like an acquaintance.

 

However, to answer your question: If I were in your shoes, I would simply hear her out. If she complains about the same thing again, then politely bring it up and let her know that she is still complaining about a particular issue and she should let it go / fix it and move onto the next thing. You, as a friend, should be there to help, but there comes a point where you need to realize that she needs to want to help herself first.

 

However, save your own mental and spiritual health too. If she is draining your essence...well, then you don't really have a choice to keep your quality of life, do you?

 

My 2 cents.

[d0nnivain]

I would simply hear her out. If she complains about the same thing again, then politely bring it up and let her know that she is still complaining about a particular issue and she should let it go / fix it and move onto the next thing. You, as a friend, should be there to help, but there comes a point where you need to realize that she needs to want to help herself first.

 

 

She has been complaining about basically the same core issues -- no BF/relationship and no money -- for at least the last 7 years.

 

 

When it started we were in the same boat & I thought we were working to improve that. I scratched & saved & worked to get my financial house in order which was damaged due to downsizing -- while hers was based on overspending. I also met & married my husband. She has yet to find somebody but she makes the same mistakes over & over by being too demanding & unrealistic.

 

 

I have tried to help. I gave her work. She took advantage & it cost me several thousand dollars. I tried to fix her up & said even if he's not the love of her life, he's a great business connection who could potentially send her tens of thousands of dollars worth of work. She acted like a spoiled child & played games with him. He was so pissed about her immature behavior he questioned my professional judgment & it cost me him as a referral source for my business, which again cost me several thousand dollars.

 

 

I told her this. I made suggestions on how to improve her finances. I made suggestions on how to improve her love life (by not being such a needy, high maintenance shrew) but she prefers to whine & be a martyr.

 

 

I am at my wits end.

[tlegend]

She has been complaining about basically the same core issues -- no BF/relationship and no money -- for at least the last 7 years.

 

 

When it started we were in the same boat & I thought we were working to improve that. I scratched & saved & worked to get my financial house in order which was damaged due to downsizing -- while hers was based on overspending. I also met & married my husband. She has yet to find somebody but she makes the same mistakes over & over by being too demanding & unrealistic.

 

 

I have tried to help. I gave her work. She took advantage & it cost me several thousand dollars. I tried to fix her up & said even if he's not the love of her life, he's a great business connection who could potentially send her tens of thousands of dollars worth of work. She acted like a spoiled child & played games with him. He was so pissed about her immature behavior he questioned my professional judgment & it cost me him as a referral source for my business, which again cost me several thousand dollars.

 

 

I told her this. I made suggestions on how to improve her finances. I made suggestions on how to improve her love life (by not being such a needy, high maintenance shrew) but she prefers to whine & be a martyr.

 

 

I am at my wits end.

 

Well, have you told her this....in these words??

 

It seems to me that she is either 1) ignorant or 2) uninformed. It's very possible she's ignorant.

 

You're not her mother. Her life quality is exactly as she chose it to be.

 

To be honest, I would WRITE a letter that contains exactly what you have in this post but structure it as such: (Basic psycology, I am using my sales background to try to give advice here)

 

1) Place value on the friendship and your thankfulness for her friendship over the years. This will help bring down the wall that most egocentric people hide behind.

 

2) Address her problems, in her words, that she has told you.

 

3) Rephrase those problems with your view on it, but still the same issue. (This effectively is how you just told me in the prior post)

 

4) Let her know how you tried to help with advice / referrals and how this has lead to a negative experience and even went as far as losing a friendship / business contact because of it. I would also let her know that she should really know that business is business and personal life should stay personal. (I.e. relationships with co-workers need to realize that WORK is WORK).

 

5) Plead with her. Do not speak down, this will build up an impenetrable wall. Plead with her that she is hurting herself with her decisions, and you are being forced to make a choice. Either, you have to let her friendship drift away, or she needs to realize her friendship is costing you opportunity and well-being (money, sanity, etc).

 

 

You may not even get a response, in which case, you did yourself a favor. I truly think that you need to give an ultimatum, but not in the form of one. Let her know her friendship DOES mean a lot to you, but it needs to be a healthy friendship, or you two need to go your seperate ways.

 

I do not know if this will work. It's not some tried and true method, this is simply what I would do with a friendship that has roots dating back quite a long time.

 

With that being said, I personally would get sick of their **** and tell them that their life is exactly what they chose it to be. If they want to change their ways, their life will change to, but that's not your responsibility. You have your own life to deal with.

[Rubypumped]

I love the last post! You have been such a good friend to put up with all of this and it is obvious how much you care about her. I wish I had more friends like you!!! It's the type of friend I am too! I agree with what the person before me has said. Just be aware that you are doing your best but it still might blow up in your face. In that case, don't blame yourself because you have worked so hard to understand and fix things. It's a two-way street.