Is he really giving me a second chance?

[Ph123]

Thanks guys. I know you're right - and I really couldn't live like that anymore, it was hell and I was turning into an insecure, needy person which is the opposite of who I am just because I didn't know where I stood with him.

 

I still have the 'what if' thoughts - what if I hadn't reacted that way? What if I had remained patient? Those are my weakest moments.. but I'm trying to stay strong.

 

I guess the worst part for me in all this is that not only have I lost someone I love deeply, I have also lost my best friend. But I guess it's the same for a lot of people and everyone gets through it..

 

If anything changes, I will update you guys but I cannot thank you enough for your advice, you have all been a massive help xx

[BC1980]

We understand, and it sucks. I miss just talking to my ex sometimes, but I couldn't continue with things the way they were. It's difficult and unfair, but you have to make the decision to cut contact for yourself. It's the lesser of two evils.

[Ph123]

That's really tough, I'm sorry you're going through this too!

 

It looks like this one will continue to be dramatic for a while though.. As I mentioned before, we are a very close group of friends and we all hang out at least a couple of times a week. He has been refusing to turn up for the last two days now making silly excuses and even missing work meetings. This is extremely unusual and all our friends (who don't really know what is going on yet) are very surprised.

 

I don't know whether he is doing this because of how I treated him when I saw him last time (completely ignored him) and he really hates me now or this is some kind of a cry for attention..

[Ph123]

So turns out he is going out of his way to avoid me - to the extent that he would even refuse to call or text me to discuss and event we are both helping to plan, making things very weird for the other organizers! He told them he would and never did. He also will not answer any calls or accept any invitations when he knows I may be there.

 

Today, he knew I would not be going to a gathering so he showed up. I am staying strong with the NC and sticking to my guns, but I would be lying if I said this didn't hurt - ouch!!!

 

Why do you guys think he's being SO harsh!? Does he hate me that much?! :/

Edited April 6, 2014 by Ph123

[BC1980]

So turns out he is going out of his way to avoid me - to the extent that he would even refuse to call or text me to discuss and event we are both helping to plan, making things very weird for the other organizers! He told them he would and never did. He also will not answer any calls or accept any invitations when he knows I may be there.

 

Today, he knew I would not be going to a gathering so he showed up. I am staying strong with the NC and sticking to my guns, but I would be lying if I said this didn't hurt - ouch!!!

 

Why do you guys think he's being SO harsh!? Does he hate me that much?! :/

 

I doubt he hates you, but it's awkward. Think of the reasons you are going NC, and those are probably his reasons. Most people do intentionally try to avoid a recent ex if possible. It really has more to do with his coping, not so much him hating you. It's better for both of you to avoid one another if possible. I was offered a part time job at the hospital my ex works at and didn't take it specifically because he now works there. Too much of a chance of running into him and having to interact about possible patient care. I don't hate him, but it's awkward.

[Ph123]

Hi BC! Thanks a million for your response - I am having such a hard time as I don't want to talk to our common friends about this and cause more issues..

 

I understand what you are saying - I am sure it would be horrible for both of us to be in the same place however, while in your situation, you can avoid your ex, with us this is just not possible. For example, we will both have to be at the mentioned event as we are organizing it and many other things that will definitely come up. Both of us don't really have any other friends so we really kind of have to suck it up. The fact that he's going this far.. well it's strange!

 

Also - I get awkward but it has been awkward since our whole break on/off thing started and he was fine then.. we avoided each other for the most part but were in the same room! I'm just really confused by this brutal avoidance tactic specially as he didn't seem to have any particular feelings for me towards the end anyway. Though before this massive blowup happened, he did tell me he loves me and always will and all that...

[BC1980]

Hi BC! Thanks a million for your response - I am having such a hard time as I don't want to talk to our common friends about this and cause more issues..

 

I understand what you are saying - I am sure it would be horrible for both of us to be in the same place however, while in your situation, you can avoid your ex, with us this is just not possible. For example, we will both have to be at the mentioned event as we are organizing it and many other things that will definitely come up. Both of us don't really have any other friends so we really kind of have to suck it up. The fact that he's going this far.. well it's strange!

 

Also - I get awkward but it has been awkward since our whole break on/off thing started and he was fine then.. we avoided each other for the most part but were in the same room! I'm just really confused by this brutal avoidance tactic specially as he didn't seem to have any particular feelings for me towards the end anyway. Though before this massive blowup happened, he did tell me he loves me and always will and all that...

 

I think he's just confused about what to do. I know that I tried NC several times before I was really able to stick with it. I also declared that I wanted friendship a few times before I said screw it. I feel that the really important thing is not to worry about his motives, which I know is much easier said than done.

 

As for working together, I don't know what to tell you. It's a sucky situation. I would say keep things only to business, but I'm sure you know that. Maybe there are some other people out there who can shine a light on working with an ex.

[Ph123]

I think he's just confused about what to do. I know that I tried NC several times before I was really able to stick with it. I also declared that I wanted friendship a few times before I said screw it. I feel that the really important thing is not to worry about his motives, which I know is much easier said than done.

 

As for working together, I don't know what to tell you. It's a sucky situation. I would say keep things only to business, but I'm sure you know that. Maybe there are some other people out there who can shine a light on working with an ex.

 

Hi BC,

 

I think you may be right - he is definitely acting very odd!! The first time that we broke up (but got back together), he told me he wanted to remain friends (we had actually promised each other at the beginning that no matter what, we we would stay friends) but I said not yet, as I wasn't ready for it and we could maybe try that in a few months. He got very upset at that as he wanted to keep me in his life and said you promised me - to which I (childishly) said, you promised you'd never leave me so guess we both lied. This time, there was obviously none of that as we ended things in a screaming match and after that he told me to leave him alone.

 

Anyway, I guess I am hoping for SOME kind of patching up in the future once we both cool down - friends or a relationship, most likely just friends - and his behavior indicates that this is no longer on the cards and it really hurts.

[mangetout]

So turns out he is going out of his way to avoid me - to the extent that he would even refuse to call or text me to discuss and event we are both helping to plan, making things very weird for the other organizers! He told them he would and never did. He also will not answer any calls or accept any invitations when he knows I may be there.

 

Today, he knew I would not be going to a gathering so he showed up. I am staying strong with the NC and sticking to my guns, but I would be lying if I said this didn't hurt - ouch!!!

 

Why do you guys think he's being SO harsh!? Does he hate me that much?! :/

 

No he doesn't hate you. It hurts him too much too see you. Please stay NC and avoid him as much as possible for a while. He needs to start missing you so you need to disappear

[Ph123]

Hey guys,

 

Well - color me confused!! So he got in touch with me today, made absolutely no reference to the break-up or the fight, was super friendly and made a lot of effort to keep the conversation going which I eventually ended!!

 

Then, this evening he was at a friend's house. When I turned up, he acted delighted to see me, paid me a LOT of attention all evening, was super friendly even a little flirty, teased me, basically almost as if nothing ever went wrong.

 

I was not super friendly like he was but was civil and did not ignore him but did not go out of my way the way he was either.

 

What?!?!!

[BC1980]

Hey guys,

 

Well - color me confused!! So he got in touch with me today, made absolutely no reference to the break-up or the fight, was super friendly and made a lot of effort to keep the conversation going which I eventually ended!!

 

Then, this evening he was at a friend's house. When I turned up, he acted delighted to see me, paid me a LOT of attention all evening, was super friendly even a little flirty, teased me, basically almost as if nothing ever went wrong.

 

I was not super friendly like he was but was civil and did not ignore him but did not go out of my way the way he was either.

 

What?!?!!

 

I don't think it's worth analyzing or worrying about. Who knows? Who cares? We can't get inside his mind.

[Ph123]

Okay so - this is absolutely killing me as I am still idiotic enough to think there may be a chance to work things out and he's really not helping...

 

So, met him a few times this week, he's constantly been very very friendly, completely OTT. On top of that, a lot of flirting and touchy feely moments.. I have tried to not respond but it's SO hard. Last night, he took it one step further and was even worse, tried to slow dance with me out of nowhere, completely inappropriate jokes about our relationship (very intimate) - basically the way we were when we were together. I ended up leaving early because I was just so confused as I really don't want to read too much into this and get my hopes up even more.

 

This morning, we spoke on the phone about an issue with an employee of mine who used to work for him and he sounded absolutely delighted to hear from me when I called, but I jumped straight to the issue. Then we had a conversation for another few minutes and he was carrying on with his ridiculously friendly attitude.

 

I guess I finally snapped - I told him it is fine for us to be civil and I am very glad we are not hostile BUT it was far too soon for us to be like this and it is hurting me as I need time to get over him before we can really be friends. He was taken aback and went back to his sulky, full of attitude mode and said fine - I thought we were friends. I said, clearly you have moved on and good for you but if you have no feelings for me now, doesn't mean I am in the same place. Also, we got into a huge fight, broke up, and now you are acting as if nothing ever happened, haven't brought it up at all and on top of that think we're buddies now? To which he said he cannot discuss this right now, etc. and will let me know when! He said if 'civil' is how you want to play it, then fine, I will do that - I have gone out of my way to make you feel comfortable but we will do it your way.

 

What is going on here?! He didn't confirm that he has in fact moved on, but sure sounds like it! Does he actually expect me to now be best buds with him and carry on as if nothing ever happened? I know I'm very emotional right now and not thinking clearly but this is making no sense to me!!