Mean Coworkers

[DesertRose]

I would like to get your advice about my workplace situation. Last night I went to happy hour with 3 coworkers. The 3 coworkers work together on 1 team and I work on another team. It was only 7:00pm and the night was still young. I asked everyone if they wanted to do a shot and it would be my treat. They said yes. This morning I overheard them saying to the other members of their team that I was pushing them to drink. I am so angry and hurt that they would say these lies about me! I thought everything was okay and everyone had a good time last night. So now I have a reputation of being a lush. I thought these high school games were over but I guess not. They could have said no to me if they didn't want a shot of liquor but they all said yes and now I am seen as the bad person.

 

I hate coworkers. They talk behind my back when I didn't do anything wrong. Should I confront the 3 coworkers for talking behind my back to their team members or should I ignore them? I am sick of ignoring mean people. I have anger built up inside of me for all the years that people have been rude and mean to me. Even if I speak up then I will still look bad for cause chaos in the workplace. What should I do?

[Beth]

That's a tough one. If you talk about it with anyone else just be magnanimous and say you were having a nice night and offered to buy a round of drinks. People with any sense know that you can't force someone to drink. Those they tell may also be talking behind 'their' back and saying that they were selfish and how bad it was for them to use you. If they invite you anywhere again just say something like No thanks, I didn't seem to fit in and I heard from others that my presence there wasn't appreciated, and let them make of it what they will. Be the bigger person and don't get sucked in to sophomoric, unprofessional games and gossip.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by DesertRose

I thought these high school games were over but I guess not.

 

I have some news for you DESERTROSE, those high school games continue for ever but as u get older the games are not as obvious, more covert, and the stakes are higher. You must be pretty young if you don't know this yet.

 

Should I confront the 3 coworkers for talking behind my back to their team members or should I ignore them?

 

No, do not confront. Just ignore them unless it is business related and next time choose the people you socialize with after work a bit more carefully.

 

Actually, my recommendation is to not hang out with or become close friends with anyone at work until you have throughly sized them up for some period of time and you trust them.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Beth

If they invite you anywhere again just say something like No thanks, I didn't seem to fit in and I heard from others that my presence there wasn't appreciated, and let them make of it what they will.

 

Actually I disagree with saying this. Silence and not accepting invites will say a heck of a lot more. After you turn them down 2 or 3 times they will stop inviting you and get the message.

 

When you start mixing business with pleasure you are playing with fire.

[DesertRose]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm not too young. I'm almost 27 years old, but I come from a sheltered home. My parents were strict and I didn't really learn about the manipulation of people until I went away to college. So I guess you can say that most people learn and/or adapt to these situations in grammar school, but I started learning these things in college. In other words, I'm a late bloomer but I'm learning the hard way.

 

I don't plan to go to anymore happy hours with these people. I just wish I could trust people, but with situations like this one as well as my history with being a victim of bullying, it's just hard to keep the faith that people are actualy good-hearted. I feel it's quite the opposite!

[DesertRose]

Originally posted by alphamale

I have some news for you DESERTROSE, those high school games continue for ever but as u get older the games are not as obvious, more covert, and the stakes are higher. You must be pretty young if you don't know this yet.

 

 

 

No, do not confront. Just ignore them unless it is business related and next time choose the people you socialize with after work a bit more carefully.

 

Actually, my recommendation is to not hang out with or become close friends with anyone at work until you have throughly sized them up for some period of time and you trust them.

 

 

But they have no clue that I overheard them this morning. When I start rejecting their invites, they will eventually stop asking, but I don't think they will get the hint. I just want to lash out at them and be bitchy, but that would be unprofessional and immature of me. Argh! It's just frustration trying to do the "right thing" by doing nothing. I want them to be insulted by me just like how I was insulted by them.

[melnmojave]

if you think that was mean you better toughen-up because it can get alot nastier than that. The higher you go up the ladder, the more vicious they can get....Don't ever put yourself in the position to have to trust anyone with anything and be beyond reproach - you are who you are perceived to be........

 

you are a nice person and expect the same from those around you......the world can be a mean place. Your safe place away from mean people is at home. Outside of that, it's a jungle out there! Piss on mean people. Actually, we should feel sorry for them because they are so morally bankrupt. My advice is to identify them early and steer clear politely (they are tar-babies). Always be ready with a polite excuse why you cant engage in activities outside of work. That IS a breeding ground for trouble.

 

Your social life is different from your professional life. You are not your job, and your co-workers are not your pals.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by melnmojave

if you think that was mean you better toughen-up because it can get alot nastier than that. The higher you go up the ladder, the more vicious they can get....Don't ever put yourself in the position to have to trust anyone with anything and be beyond reproach - you are who you are perceived to be........

 

you are a nice person and expect the same from those around you......the world can be a mean place. Your safe place away from mean people is at home. Outside of that, it's a jungle out there! Piss on mean people. Actually, we should feel sorry for them because they are so morally bankrupt. My advice is to identify them early and steer clear politely (they are tar-babies). Always be ready with a polite excuse why you cant engage in activities outside of work. That IS a breeding ground for trouble.

 

Your social life is different from your professional life. You are not your job, and your co-workers are not your pals.

 

GAWD DAMN!!!!! I'm glad someone else around here has some common sense! That is the best advice I've heard in a week!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

When you start mixing business with pleasure you are playing with fire.

 

CORRECTOMUNDO!

 

have your work totally seperate from your real friends!

 

i used to work in a horrible IT firm who tried all the after work teambuilding **** in the pub... it was complete death with these nerds talking about work and people in work... after a while i said you know what... F*** yous all and that was the end of my teambuilding skills... sorry people but i am washing my hair this evening so i can't make it tonight with you boring low lifes was the declined 'email' invitation!

 

[alphamale]

Originally posted by BrainRightHeartWrong

i used to work in a horrible IT firm who tried all the after work teambuilding **** in the pub... it was complete death with these nerds talking about work and people in work...

 

yeah BRHW...don't you love the boring IT nerdy dorks who you just place at their computer in the corner and let them do their thing. as long as they don't have to work with actual live humans they are great.

 

i've been in IT for more than 10 yrs but I'm a business analyst so most of my work is as a liason between the business people and the IT people. they speak a diff language.

 

hah aha aha ahah ah ahha ah hahah HAHHAH HA

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

yeah BRHW...don't you love the boring IT nerdy dorks who you just place at their computer in the corner and let them do their thing. as long as they don't have to work with actual live humans they are great.

 

aha i remember a fellow IT co-worker of mine who looked like an ewok and eventually was called an ewok by some of us, he was just like you said, didn't get on with proper humans, sat at his workstation playing games at lunch instead of having a bit of fun elsewhere with everyone else

 

with his first paycheck he bought a robot arm and programmed it with Java when he went home from work!

 

[magda]

Just curious, did everyone there only have the 1 shot?

[OutbackJackie]

Most of the posters so far have advised you not to socialise too closely with co-workers in the future, to 'trust no one' and watch your back. I really think that forming friendly relationships with co-workers is natural, especially when you're spending the majority of your days with them. I work an 80 hour week with a small team in a large law firm and I'd say that for the majority of us, our social lives really do revolve around our co-workers. We have many married and dating co-workers too. It's just too hard sometimes to keep up with friends outside of work when your hours are really long.

 

Sure, there is always gossip going around, petty fights happening, rumours about who did what at last Friday night drinks... But this is to be expected. I've had my fair share of drunken mishaps with work colleagues but I think this has actually helped my career and my bonding with them in the long run. People who don't drink or socialise with co-workers here are viewed with suspicion. I'm not saying you should be out getting plastered with them at every opportunity, but avoiding them after one minor hiccup will probably be worse in the long run... It will give them the opportunity to bitch about your self-imposed isolation at their next get together.

 

I wouldn't bring the issue up with them, that would be way too confrontational and they'd just deny it. Try to put it behind you - it is something that is our of your control, and also something that will inevitably happen again.

[CurlyIam]

Honestely, each time I went out drinking or clubbin' with classmates or internship mates, it got to the total diseaster point all over and back again. I mean, men were hitting on me and girls were getting jealous.

 

On the other hand, I did go out to restaurants with some girls I knew from school and it was as cool as ever.

 

People use this type of social event to either talk dirty of somebody else or to use what they see in order to do that later. So be extracareful. Many times, going out with coworkers is still the same with work.

 

I usually take my bf or a friend to this time od gathering, if I can. Remember, you're not paid to win the popularity contest, but to do you job the best way you can.

 

 

You feel angry because you felt used. Because this time they were picking on you. It's great that they did it. Now you know whom to avoid. You can bet you pretty eyes that you're not only one they're doing it with. They bite whatever they can. Your only fault was that you didn't listen to your instincts. You said you felt rage for years. Trust me, people can sense that. In a sense, youi have been warned for years.

 

 

Feel angry on yourself for going. You should have stayed home.

 

And drop the subject. The one excusing themselves only make themselves looking more guilty. If ever they tell before your very eyes that you made them drink, just say that the night was young and that you're a party girl. And that you feel really sad that they don't know how to have fun or handle a shot at 19:00! Do that only if provoked! And speak about that casually!!!

 

Now calm down and don't beat yourself up. It could happen to anyone.

[whichwayisup]

I have some news for you DESERTROSE, those high school games continue for ever but as u get older the games are not as obvious, more covert, and the stakes are higher.

 

100% agreed there. I think WE all think those stupid and immature highschool games will stop later in life...Truth of it is, IT DOESN'T!!

 

What I would do is just ignore them. If they ask you to go out, say no thanks, and eventually they will stop asking. They are NOT worth your time and effort, these are just co-workers, not friends. Only communicate with them on a buisness level, not personal and then they will leave you alone.

 

NO point in confronting them, that just adds fuel to the fire. I know it can be hard to ignore people who say things behind your back, but rise above it, concentrate on the work infront of you. You're there for a reason...WORK. Not to make buddies and hang out...Yes it is wonderful to have a fun atmosphere at the workplace but being really good friends with coworkers can bring on a whole set of other problems as well.

 

The anger you are feeling is normal, but try to hold it in. As I said, I think if you call them on their BS and what they've said it will just make it worse for you. They don't seem bothered by it so that is what you have to try and do...Don't care what they think!! At the end of the day, it won't seem worth it. You have friends and family, people who love you and want to be around you. That is what counts, not those idiots around you at work.

 

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by OutbackJackie

Most of the posters so far have advised you not to socialise too closely with co-workers in the future, to 'trust no one' and watch your back. I really think that forming friendly relationships with co-workers is natural, especially when you're spending the majority of your days with them. I work an 80 hour week with a small team in a large law firm and I'd say that for the majority of us, our social lives really do revolve around our co-workers. We have many married and dating co-workers too. It's just too hard sometimes to keep up with friends outside of work when your hours are really long.

 

1) this is your firm's culture and to get ahead you need to do this

2) you are most likely talking about highly educated individuals which makes a difference

3) eventually, intertwining your whole life with work WILL blow up in someone's face, trust me.

[Pocky]

Instead of telling you not to form a friendship with coworkers, I'm going to tell you not to form a friendship with ****ty people.

 

Personally, had I been standing there and overheard them say something that was untrue, I would have interrupted and called them on it.