Am I over-reacting??

[nan]

My BF and I broke up early November. We talked somtimes, blah blah blah. ANyways, I found out that he started dating someone in December and lied to me about it. He hung out with her all month, and said that it wasn't even that fun. He says that nobody could ever compare to me, they tried to have sex once, but he wasn't even attracted to her so he couldn't get it up.

 

Anyways, we got back together. We were together for 3 years before this. He says that he knows now that I am definately the one and he's in love with me and wants to marry me ect. I still feel so insecure about myself like he's still looking for someone else and he'll do it again. He does Djing and music production so he met her online while in a chatroom doing DJing. Now everytime he's on the computer I feel suspicious and when he DJ's online I feel like he's looking for someone else.

 

I feel like an idiot about this whole thing. I know he loves me and I know he's in love with me. Is this feeling normal or am I over-reacting??

 

Nan

[Sarah12385]

it's perfectly normal hun.

 

"cheat me once, shame on you, cheat on me twice, shame on me" (something like that!)

good quote

 

if you feel insecure and just have a feeling that something's not right, then, you're probably right. talk to him about it thoroughly, if you don't feel better, maybe it's time to move on.

 

a lot of times people are afraid to leave someone they've been with for so long. i was w/a guy for 2 years and

although i wasn't happy, i felt BAD cause we shared so much time together and whatnot, and i didn't want it to be a "waste".

 

but, the reality is that there ARE other people out there, and sometimes you just gotta think of yourself. don't be unhappy at the expense of someone else's happiness, that's no way to be.. it's not being selfish, it's being fair to yourself.

 

good luck

 

 

~Sarah~

[sarah12]

hi nan,

 

You know what, I've been that 'other girl' before, except he was attracted to me physically, emotionally and intellectually - he won't deny that to this day. But he is back together with the girl he dated before me, he loves her, and that is fine. However, his girlfriend (which would be you in this situation), is also uncomfortable about him having dated someone else, and I do think she has way over reacted. The whole situation happened over a year ago, and she still won't let him have any contact with me whatsoever. In your case, it doesn't look like you have done anything at all like this, and I suggest that you trust your boyfriend, I mean that's what relationships are founded on right? If you were together 3 years prior, you must have that there. Of course it is normal to feel a bit insecure, but don't let your insecurities take over the relationship and ruin it.

 

This guy and his girlfriend are having troubles since they've been back together, probably because they never resolved their problems from before. And so this results in her blaming everything wrong in their relationship on the fact that he dated me once upon a time. She makes things very difficult for all of us, and their relationshp in particular. I have accepted taht they are dating again, and she has to accept that we once dated, but what has happened has happened, and you can do nothing about it except move on, and try to be happy and work on what you have.

 

I hope this helps you a bit.

[roxy_1980]

Nan,

 

If you give someone a second chance you must give it to them. Worrying and paranoia etc. will not accomplish anything but push him away eventually. Being with someone who is paranoid can get really old, really fast. He has apologized and from what you've said (and the last thread a few weeks ago) he means it.

 

And unless you've held something back, he didn't cheat on you, he broke up with you, then dated someone else. Trust me, cheating when they're still with you sucks much, much more. (I've been in both situations.)

 

If you can't find a way to put those thoughts behind you and trust him again, it will not last. You must resolve this somehow for your future together.

 

I wish the two of you the best of luck.

[nan]

Yesterday, I had my final (hopefully) insecure moment and almost broke up with him over it. He cried and I cried and he told me that he messed up and he's sorry, but there's nothing he can do to take it back although he would if he could. I know he's being sincere about it.

 

So I'm gonna have to just let it go. I know he loves me, he has never denied that, even when we were broken up. His family tells him all the time how he's never been happier in his life than when he's with me. His mom told me that he loves me so much, even when we were broken up. Even the other girls parents would always ask him what was wrong and so would the girl because he was so depressed over me. I guess the point to that is that everyone else can see how much he loves me and how happy I make him.

 

So I just have to give him this second chance. I'm gonna have to let it go and learn to trust him again. I love him so much. I just kept telling him that I'm just not worth all this trouble. He kept saying that if he didn't think I was, he wouldn't be here and that he would rather have some tough times and be with me than be without me. I believe that he loves me, I've always known that, so I'll have to take that and run with it.

 

Thanks for all your comments!

 

Nan

[tigerskye]

I wanna make a comment

 

Originally posted by Sarah12385

it's perfectly normal hun.

 

"cheat me once, shame on you, cheat on me twice, shame on me" (something like that!)

good quote

 

Love that quote! Anywayz..

 

Originally posted by nan

My BF and I broke up early November. We talked somtimes, blah blah blah. ANyways, I found out that he started dating someone in December and lied to me about it. He hung out with her all month, Nan

 

Were yall dating when they were hanging out. If not, yall were broke up and he and you both had the freedom to date whomever you wanted. He should of not lied about it, which that is where you should have the trust issue. But if it was when yall were broke up...then you should not worry so much. I mean yall broke up to date other people or you know what I mean, i hope. Anywayz...if he did it while yall were dating I would kick him out but since he did it while yall were broke up then don't worry about it, it shows him how good you are.

 

BUT if yall were together when he started seeing him, KICK HIM TO THE CURB! CHEATING MEN ARE BAD MEN!

 

Originally posted by sarah12

hi nan,

 

You know what, I've been that 'other girl' before, except he was attracted to me physically, emotionally and intellectually - he won't deny that to this day. But he is back together with the girl he dated before me, he loves her, and that is fine. However, his girlfriend (which would be you in this situation), is also uncomfortable about him having dated someone else, and I do think she has way over reacted. The whole situation happened over a year ago, and she still won't let him have any contact with me whatsoever. In your case, it doesn't look like you have done anything at all like this, and I suggest that you trust your boyfriend, I mean that's what relationships are founded on right? If you were together 3 years prior, you must have that there. Of course it is normal to feel a bit insecure, but don't let your insecurities take over the relationship and ruin it.

 

This guy and his girlfriend are having troubles since they've been back together, probably because they never resolved their problems from before. And so this results in her blaming everything wrong in their relationship on the fact that he dated me once upon a time. She makes things very difficult for all of us, and their relationshp in particular. I have accepted taht they are dating again, and she has to accept that we once dated, but what has happened has happened, and you can do nothing about it except move on, and try to be happy and work on what you have.

 

I hope this helps you a bit.

 

 

WITH THIS....girl....if you don't want the "other girl" to see your man. Don't let her. It just calls for trouble. I am sorry but the 'other girls' in between your relationships cannot be trusted. If it is a ex from before that is fine because he did not know you then. But you are the girlfriend and you make the rules!

[nan]

To answer your comment the best I know how, apparently they met online around the same time we broke up. He was doing DJing online and they met in a local chat room. They would just talk online. We got back together for about a week or so in the end of November. After we broke up again the second time, he went to her house and spent the month there (except for a week right around Christmas). We hung out during that time that he was back at home, went shopping, went to see Christams lights,ect. Then he disappeared again, however he did call me before he left, but I never talked to him.

 

So I guess we weren't together. But he did lie to me about it, which if we were broken up, I still don't get why. So no, he never cheated. I also hung out with some guy, but he is just a highschool friend and I still talk to him. My bf is extremely jealous of that, I guess because he thinks that I'm gonna hook up with him just to get back at him. But he is seriously just a friend.

 

Today, I feel like an idiot. He usually always calls me around lunch time, and today he didn't. I thought no big deal, he's sick so he probably is just resting. So I called him around 2. Nobody answered, and he hasn't called back yet. Yesterday when I went to see him, he was very sick and just in bed. So where the hell can he possibly have gone today? And if he's home, why hasn't he called me back yet. I guess I'm just so paranoid about this because this is the kind of crap he pulled when he would disappear to her house and I didn't know where he went. I'm sitting here becoming increasingly pissed off and probably for no reason.

 

I'm such an idiot. Anyways, talk to yall later.

 

Nan

[GirlDown]

maybe it's a trust issue because he doesn't seem very honest.

 

he didn't cheat on you because you were not together. you could have seen someone else too, and that would have been fine.

 

my problem would be with him saying "i wasn't even attracted to her, i couldn't even get it up."

 

i would never be caught as the only girlfriend in the world to believe that one.

 

i think that is a line of bull. why was he with her all month? most guys aren't looking online for post-break-up "friends that are girls" only, especially to be at her home for nearly a month. so basically--- "i just needed an unattractive girl to shack up with and talk to about how i missed you." please. this does not happen.

 

and the fact that he said "i couldn't even get it up" !!!!! he is way over-compensating. if he didn't sleep with her, he would have just said so. there would be no need to disclose something guys don't want to talk to about even when it does happen. it's called a convincing liar--unless you can see through it.

 

i'm sorry you are insecure, but usually where there is smoke, there is fire. you might have insecurities, but you also have a gut instinct telling you when things aren't right.

 

something is not right with this.

[sarah12]

I would have to agree with GirlDown, in that he probably was attracted to the girl, and has told you some lies about what happened, however if you want to get over this and move on, I suggest that you really forget the whole thing and move on. If you hang onto what happened, it won't help your relationship.

[nan]

I don't know what to do. I feel like on a daily basis, I get pissed off and insecure about what happened. I always feel like we are walking on eggshells and that it's the big pink elephant in the room that nobody will bring up. I don't know how to just move on and get past it.

 

I keep feeling like breaking it off just so I have some time, and he has time to prove to me that this is what he wants. I know that it's what he wants or he wouldn't be here now, but I'm just so mad, insecure, and jealous. I hate this whole thing and don't know how to make it go away.

 

I hope he hasn't lied to me about the situation because he already lied to me about it once, if he lies again, I'm done. I hate liars. So I hope the things he tells me are truthful. I can always contact her and ask too, so yeah, he can't hide things from me. I'm sneaky and smarter than that. I'll find out.

 

So anyways, so confused, what to do, how do I move on?

 

Nan

[sarah12]

nan,

 

Do not call her. It's not your place to, and she will probably be annoyed that not only is SHE not with your boyfriend anymore but his CURRENT girlfriend is calling her up to open up the can of worms. Leave her out of the situation. If you have issues trusting your boyfriend, it should be between you and him, not some other girl. None of this is her fault, you guys were broken up, they met, and now they are over., and you are dating him again. What more could you ask for but to trust him now that he's with you again? Don't make it an issue about her, when it is about you and him who are trying to solve this relationship.

[Pretty Kitty]

You let him back into your life but maybe that's just the kind of man you want. If you didn't and he makes you feel so insecure how can you have a relationship where you have to be suspect all the time?! Not fun at all!!