LostInThought_1 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 (edited) I have been seeing this guy for almost 2 months now (we have seen each other 8 times, both in our mid 20's, live about a half hour apart). About 3 weeks ago, we agreed to be exclusive. He said that he "would definitely be exclusive with me, but isn't looking for something serious immediately, but can definitely see something happening in a few months from now"..he "wants things to happen organically" since we had (at the time) only seen each other 6 times. He says he is very spontaneous and does not like planning things, and wants it to happen like one day we are just hanging out and decide "hey, let's be official!" Additionally he has financial stresses at work which add to him feeling pressured about having a 'title'. He says he wants to look at this as maturely as possible and not rush anything. He did add that he "feels like a title is going to happen eventually, he just wants it to happen naturally". I have met his parents and he told me they loved me. He assured me that this was not an excuse for him "keeping his options open" (though I can't be sure that's the case.......) He calls me every night after work and takes me out on dates when we are together. But he does not text me "good night" or "good morning" anymore ever since he started calling regularly. He has met my friends (who liked him a lot) and went out of his way to try to impress them. Also, he was on the phone with a friend the other day and I could hear the friends' voice as the volume on the cell was turned up. His friend asked who he was hanging out with followed by "is she your girlfriend?" and he said "yes" ..but not sure if that means anything. At the time, everything made sense to me and I agreed to this 'exclusivity without a title' (for now). But I am feeling a bit insecure, as the usual doubts of "if he really liked me, wouldn't he WANT to lock me down?" are kicking in. Has anyone had a similar experience? How did it turn out? Is 2 months too early for me to be freaking out about this? Am I overreacting and overthinking, or are these concerns valid? Edited March 25, 2014 by LostInThought_1
d0nnivain Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Assuming everything else is to your liking & he's acting like an exclusive BF, don't get all hung up on the word choice / label. If he isn't being otherwise well behaved or doesn't come around on the word choice in a few more months, revisit the issue. At that point "organic" may be his code word for I am not going to commit. 2
smackie9 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 You have only seen each other 8 times over 2 months? yeeesh you can't call that a commitment or a relationship. Me personally wouldn't bother with someone that is being luke warm, and this is 2 months later....lame. Your gut is right, it's not looking good. IMO you are just wasting your time getting invested in something that's barely afloat. When a guy ever liked me, he saw me more that twice a week. In fact he wanted to see me all the time, wanted me to be apart of his life. Just let him go. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 What you said all sounds good to me. Of course, one can never know how things will turn out way down the road but it definitely sounds like you are on track and in a good place with each other. I think a lot of times guys need to "come around" to an idea in their own time frame but if his actions show progression & he treats you with respect & like a girlfriend, there really is no difference between what you want and what you are getting--except for a talk about it where it gets officialized!! Too much importance is placed on that talk and title. It means so much more, I think, when he is asking you to become official--more organically, if you will. Listen, you are already there, it sounds like but let him be comfortable with the idea & he will enjoy it so much more. I have been in this holding pattern before and YES just waiting til they talk to you about it works. He has no reason to go anywhere. And 8 dates in, 2 months in, a lot of women are ready for a commitment but not guys. Put it this way I know way more situations where the girl scared the guy away with a demand of being official than the other way around. Be cool about it. Good luck! 2
todreaminblue Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I believe in letting things happen organically,natural progression not forced, him saying you were his gf on the phone is pretty much moving it to another level, let it flow.......see where it goes....if you arent happy...say so....thats an easy recipe...just be honest with how you feel ....best of luck...deb 1
CarismaLeoni Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He might like you a lot but he isn't sold on you yet. There are many reasons why guys take it so slow ( 8 dates in 2 months). * he might be not too crazy about you yet * he might be feeling pressure from you to become a couple instead of having fun - men can sense the expectations * he might be hurt in the past and taking it slow * he might be dating someone else as well - if so - men rarely admit to that * he might be busy with his career prioritizing it higher than a potential relationship * he might not be ready for a relationship and tries to figure out what he wants while keeping you interested just in case * he might be waiting to see if you are sexually or mentally compatible OR maybe you don't have time for him more than once a week - you haven't mentioned those details. The best way would be to allure him to come to see you more often. Propose something fun and interesting that could show your awesomeness. You want him to think of you as a source of a pleasure. This also will help him to get hooked on you once he associates you with an irreplaceable good time. Are you compatible? What do you talk about? Do you have a lot in common, are your values similar? These things are important to know, before proceeding further. If he is resistant to your alluring charm it would be best to feel the ground and ask him in *** a non-judgmental way*** why are you two seeing each other only once a week? And ask him if you two could do something fun more often. Take it easy, don't put pressure on him, let him develop some good feelings about you at his own speed. Be fun and sweet. 1
Author LostInThought_1 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Thank you all so far for your responses! Very helpful. CarismaLeoni, I should have added that we have only really been seeing each other on weekends because of work (he works late, until 7-8pm usually) and does not have a car so I would go there during the week. When I travel there, it makes my morning commute much longer, so I rarely stay there on weeknights. We have discussed seeing each other during the week more though, but I am waiting for him to initiate the invitation...
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 ....we agreed to be exclusive. ....I have met his parents and he told me they loved me. .....He calls me every night after work and takes me out on dates when we are together. .....But he does not text me "good night" or "good morning" anymore ever since he started calling regularly. ....He has met my friends (who liked him a lot) and went out of his way to try to impress them. ....His friend asked who he was hanging out with followed by "is she your girlfriend?" and he said "yes" So sounds like you are already acting like an official couple so the day this relationship becomes *official* what will change? Nothing right? So what's the difference from now and then? Also this financial pressure he's talking about, how does being official adds to it? Being official is not an engagement, not a marriage, it's just *you and I are going to concentrate on each other and see where that goes* So here's how I translate this. I will be exclusive with you because I don't want to sleep around and would prefer you don't as well. As for the romantic part of our relationship I will keep a foot out the door because I don't think you're quite *it* for me. 3
GemmaUK Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Does he have a brother? I want one like that! It all sounds great to me! You're bothe respectful of each other's time, it's relaxed and no doubt good to see him when you do see him. Good that he called you his girlfriend too. The only times I have started dating someone and they have been wanting to see me all of the time or be in communication of all the time it was because they were insecure, needy and clingy (one turned out to be controlling and emotionally abusive). Your situation above sounds like a normal, healthy relationship to me.
veggirl Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 All I read was a bunch of bulls.hit excuses to not have to call you his girlfriend. Sorry but the title wouldn't change your relationship and any guy who is excited about a girl would be happy to give that to her after 2 months. I also think its weird you don't see him on the weekend. I mean he works til 7 or 8pm on the weekend? So? It's the weekend! Unless you both work the next morning that's prime date night. 30 minutes is not a big enough drive to make 8pm "too late" imo. I think he's full of crap. He wants the title to "happen naturally" WTF does that even MEAN? lol gimme a break. He wants to be able to eventually say "well you knew you weren't my girlfriend........" 7
GemmaUK Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 All I read was a bunch of bulls.hit excuses to not have to call you his girlfriend. Sorry but the title wouldn't change your relationship and any guy who is excited about a girl would be happy to give that to her after 2 months. I also think its weird you don't see him on the weekend. I mean he works til 7 or 8pm on the weekend? So? It's the weekend! Unless you both work the next morning that's prime date night. 30 minutes is not a big enough drive to make 8pm "too late" imo. I think he's full of crap. He wants the title to "happen naturally" WTF does that even MEAN? lol gimme a break. He wants to be able to eventually say "well you knew you weren't my girlfriend........" I'm confused...he did call her his girlfriend. He said 'yes' when the person on the line asked if that was his gf. From what I can gather they see each other weekends as he works until 7/8 during the week (which was in a later post).
Author LostInThought_1 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Yes, GemmaUK is right. We do see each other on the weekends, just not during the week, because that is when he works late.
veggirl Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I'm confused...he did call her his girlfriend. He said 'yes' when the person on the line asked if that was his gf. From what I can gather they see each other weekends as he works until 7/8 during the week (which was in a later post). Then why is he going on about they can't have a title? Isn't that what the OP is about........? What was the question again, OP? Perhaps I need clarification.......I read that he told you "no" to being his girlfriend as he wants it to "happen naturally" and he doesn't have the finances for it apparently.......? My bad on the weekend/week work thing!
Author LostInThought_1 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 Veggirl, you pretty much have it right. He said he does not ready to get serious immediately, he wants the "official" title and everything to happen naturally as we spend more time together. From what he has told me, I think when he gets serious, he is SERIOUS. The girlfriend comment on the phone helped, but it's not like we have formally declared we are bf/gf... I am wondering, is he just dragging his feet a bit before he dives in head first, and is just being cautious? Or am I just being strung along, and set up for failure..?
Author LostInThought_1 Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 He has also mentioned in our convos early on in our "relationship" that if he doesn't see a *potential* for marriage with someone, then he will cut it off
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 All I read was a bunch of bulls.hit excuses to not have to call you his girlfriend. Sorry but the title wouldn't change your relationship and any guy who is excited about a girl would be happy to give that to her after 2 months. I also think its weird you don't see him on the weekend. I mean he works til 7 or 8pm on the weekend? So? It's the weekend! Unless you both work the next morning that's prime date night. 30 minutes is not a big enough drive to make 8pm "too late" imo. I think he's full of crap. He wants the title to "happen naturally" WTF does that even MEAN? lol gimme a break. He wants to be able to eventually say "well you knew you weren't my girlfriend........" I respectfully disagree. How is it any different when a guy pressures her for something she is not ready for-whatever it may be? It's not really different. It's mutual respect of each other's comfort levels. Maybe my stance would be different if we were talking a significant amount more than 8 dates or 2 months but in this case, I can EXACTLY see where the guy is coming from. I think acting entitled is unbalanced in a relationship or acting like some princess-goddess worship is normal and would be very wary of a guy that jumped through those hoops. She also said he doesn't have a car and she drives to see him and I honestly believe that is going to slow things down a bit. He won't be able to take initiative with her as much as perhaps he would like to for purely logistical reasons. Same with the financial pressures. In my opinion the OP should use the extra time BEFORE they are official to make sure he lives up to what she would want to BE in serious relationship with. They are dating and presumably enjoying it and finding out about one another. Why the big rush to pin him down, or any guy for that matter, as a boyfriend when effectively in 8 dates SHE doesn't quite know what she will be getting either? This example is one of the biggest and most common mistakes we can make as women. We shouldn't be in such a rush to get to the end result (yay i have a bf/we're official) without the process that comes before it (getting to know him/make sure he is going to be good enough for you).
regine_phalange Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Organically? What are you, artichokes? I would never say to someone I really liked that I don't want to put a title in our relationship. Calling someone your boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean you will marry them. It means that you like this person enough, to date only them and that you *want* to get to know them as deeply as it gets. It means that you want to be the one to "have" them, and you don't want to create doubts about the nature of the relationship and make them run away from you. My guess is that he is not sure of your compatibility or he is thinking about other options. I'd take his whole speech as bull**it. But that's only me. 5
GemmaUK Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He has also mentioned in our convos early on in our "relationship" that if he doesn't see a *potential* for marriage with someone, then he will cut it off His thing where he said about his job and wanting that to happen 'organically' too. This is where I thought that was leading up to. Have you read :Think Like a Man'? Your man is getting his 'stuff' together. Meanwhile he is very interested in getting to know you. If you need more than he can give let him know though. No matter what, we need to be ourselves in relationships.
CarismaLeoni Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) You said you are waiting for the invitation regarding the meetings during the week. Be waiting in action - which is, be inviting, fun and charming to make him crave you so much that he will nearly piss his pants out of happiness on the day he is about to see you!:love: How to get a guy more attracted to you...? , well, that's a little harder but I think I have found something that could explain it better : there is some good advice for guys and girls. You could also check out the other one about "how to flirt over email or a text message" as well, even tho you are dating already it is going kind of slow so you should increase the temperature of your "relationship" to help him take it to the next stage. P.S. It would be great if you could initiate flirting over text sometimes. Don't make him responsible for all first moves. Edited March 26, 2014 by CarismaLeoni
Gaeta Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He has also mentioned in our convos early on in our "relationship" that if he doesn't see a *potential* for marriage with someone, then he will cut it off So? don't we all do that at some point? How long is it going to take him to evaluate if you are marriage material? A full year for sure because marriage is serious business! So you won't have a gf/bf title till then? How does he introduce you? You will go to Sunday dinner at his parents and be introduced as a friend? 1
Versacehottie Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Here's something I've learned, OP, that may help you: Sometimes if you have a little doubt or are feeling a little insecure about your relationship, it does more damage than good to express it to friends or certainly on this board. Although well-meaning responses in all, they just feed the doubt and nothing is accomplished but more confusion. This doesn't mean that any one person's opinion is more valuable than another but also fear implanted will cause more problems with your relationship than just enjoying it. Even if you have moments of being unsure that is normal. Otherwise things as you've stated are fun and good. Enjoy it until they are not. Be confident. If your current situation is anything more than just your own personal worry, it is a minor problem at this point. I believe your original post asked if anyone has had success waiting until the guy was ready. And the answer is YES. *ps obviously within reason and your level of comfort. 2months is too soon to be demanding a title. Serves no purpose. This is all based on the information you have given us. If there are other things that give you doubt then that could change how this is viewed. Lastly, the worry that he is working on career & finances and potentially unstable in these areas may be a real concern. But demanding a gf title if this reason is his hesitation is not really going to change anything even if you get the title. He would just be making a false promise at that point--especially since he has already indicated his view of relationships he sees that as important for a serious relationship.
Phantom888 Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 He sounds like a commitment-phobe who wants to keep stringing you along until he finds someone more suitable for him. This is what guys tell girls they are not really into. After 6 meets, a man knows if you are serious dating material. 7
RedRobin Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 Tell him you can't agree to be exclusive with someone who doesn't view you as his girlfriend. Then start dating other people. If you don't want to dump him altogether for his wishy-washines... you could do these other things some people are suggesting... continue being the nice, sweet, fun girl he enjoys so much... Just don't give him sole access to your time and romantic interest... Because he's certainly not giving you sole access to his... You might also consider not sleeping with him anymore if you don't feel comfortable having sex with him while dating others... In summary... start seeing other people. He's not invested. 6
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2014 Posted March 27, 2014 Well IMO if you have doubts, that means your expectations of how the relationship is progressing are not being met. Wanting a quicker pace, is not being selfish or wrong, it's just that you both are not being on the same page. A relatioship should not make you worry or make you feel uncomfortable, nor should you sacrific your expectations in order to keep them. Have a talk about it, if they feel there shouldn't be any change, or you don't see any change from your discusion, it's then time to re-evaluate the pros and cons, and decide whether it's WORTH YOUR time to proceed. 1
Author LostInThought_1 Posted April 8, 2014 Author Posted April 8, 2014 His thing where he said about his job and wanting that to happen 'organically' too. This is where I thought that was leading up to. Have you read :Think Like a Man'? Your man is getting his 'stuff' together. Meanwhile he is very interested in getting to know you. If you need more than he can give let him know though. No matter what, we need to be ourselves in relationships. I think you were pretty spot on GemmaUK..we ended up talking about it a few days later because he sort of sensed my anxiety. Basically, he said he is "just not in a place in his career yet where he feels ready for something serious", but he definitely thinks that we have potential together -- all his friends know who I am, his whole family (extended included) know about me, and his colleagues at work know who I am as well. He said he doesn't know what will happen with his job in the next day, week, month - he could be ready at any time if something good happened that gave him more confidence in the dirction his career path was heading. He said the reason he does not want to commit yet is because he "wouldn't be able to be a good boyfriend to me" right now considering he works 12 hour days and can't see me or talk to me nearly as much as he would like to. I told him that I appreciated the honesty and I like that he is driven, but I do not want to be waiting around 6 months from now. He said he agreed and he will "do everything he can to get to where he wants to be faster" and that he promises he will make progress with working towards a serious commitment. Does this sound like BS, or is this legitimate, do you think?
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