Am I insane? A fantasist? Long term crush.

[melell]

I have had a crush on someone for going on 10 years now(despite me being with someone for 7+ years). It is something that irritates me and makes me feel like I am crazy.

 

There is not much to tell..

 

-I met them when I was 15, we spent a lot of time together, and talked a lot for a few years. We would be in and out of contact, and on making contact again one of us was always taken.

-Years later a friend of his made a passing comment that he was in love with me for a long time.

-I moved cities.

-Every time I went back I would see him briefly(for a day), he was always really interested in spending time with me, but it was always fleeting and platonic.

-A few years ago we ran into each other, he had been drinking. He kept holding my face in his hands staring at me. He was trying to kiss me I didn't reciprocate, I kept turning away. I didn't contact him for a long time after.

-We have spoken on and off when we do it is a month or so of non stop text. He has always invited me to spend time with him. I haven't, I am not sure why.

 

He is a well liked person, plenty of people pursuing him, a bit shy- not a ladies man despite plenty of opportunity.

 

I think about this person a lot, and always have, when I was the happiest with my ex I would constantly dream (sleep dream) about this other person. I don't know if I have created a unrealistic fantasy because of the previous interactions, or if it is just insanity, or if there really is something there.

 

There is not a whole lot of basis for this level of attraction, we haven't spent enough time together, so I find it really uncomfortable that I am still feeling this way. Like maybe I have some crazed issues causing this.

 

Any thoughts?Feel free to rip me to pieces with this one.

Edited March 26, 2014 by melell

[todreaminblue]

unrequited love that never gets to bloom has been material for artists singer song writers for a millenium, angst, passion unexposed....

 

i am in this situation not for a decade praying to god it doesn't last that long....i just do the no contact thing......because it does make you insane......i read on loveshack about limerence from another thoughtful poster who posted a link so read it see what you think about it...Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia....

 

 

 

i dont feel my attachment is limerance.......because it didnt start with a sexual attachment......although i am attracted to him, emotionally and physically, hence no contact........i with another guy as i see the attachment is never going to be reciprocated whatever my dreams tell me...lol....the dreaming is hard for me they are lucid dreams and intense...not sleeping too well.......i don't know why i developed this...hit me pretty hard and he isn't anything like the guys i normally see..i have never ever had this strength of emotion for any guy especially a guy who doesnt reciprocate..doubt i will ever feel it again...i just want it to go away....still waiting...been a fair while now....i do accept those feelings are there but i am not putting my love life on hold for a relationship that could never happen.......thats how i deal with it...no contact and logic(follow my head and not my foolish childish heart).........deb

[Sweetnothing]

I can relate kind of. I had a crush on a guy who seemed interested in me too but wouldn't make a move for whatever reason. I know it's hard to get over a crush when you feel like a guy really really likes you but it sounds like this dude is definitely not in love with you. It sounds like he loves the idea of you, he loves pining over you, he loves knowing that he can twist your emotions while you're in a long-term committed relationship, but he does not love you or else he would pursue you. A guy wants you, he asks you out. Even shy guys will make a move eventually.

 

It sounds like he's had plenty of opportunities to have you, but he likes you right where you are. Maybe it's an ego thing, he has your endless adoration and he has to put in absolutely zero effort - he doesn't even have to DATE you! Set the bar a little higher for this dude and see what happens, I bet you'll be disappointed, but it'll leave no doubt in your mind how he really feels about you.

 

The next time you want to make excuses about him being too shy or too busy or too whatever, STOP. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would LET YOU KNOW.

[melell]

I get what you are saying. And especially your stylistic expressions todream..

 

The things is.. the interaction hasn't been enough for me to make conclusions about whether or not he is interested. He has made efforts to convince me to move home last time we spoke, and said he would like to take me on a date. I just didn't respond :/

 

Sweetnothing- there is nothing to make me think he is pining. He hasn't had the opportunity to emotionally mess with me, because he is for the most part unaware of my emotions or what goes on in my life (If I am seeing someone or not etc). He has made several attempts to have me spend time with him, I have declined for various reasons. I would honestly say that he has approached me as someone he has a lot of respect for (whether romantically interested or not). I am a pretty reserved person, I haven't really given him opportunity to have me, or even try to have me. I have always been with someone else, or traveling. I certainly don't display adoration towards him- tbh your reply is really out of context.

 

Todream- thank you so much for your reply. The concept of limerence is really interesting, I can relate to a lot of this. I am more concerned with the psychological aspects of my 'crush', because I do find it a little disturbing. For some reason no contact seems to take it to fantasy level, which is strange because I feel less attached when we speak, but more attached to the fantasy. I am going to attempt some cognitive retraining to lessen the frequency of the thoughts. A bit of a contradiction though- I would like to actually date this person to bring some reality to it, and see if there is even some reciprocation/if I even feel the way I think I do.

[melell]

It sounds like he loves the idea of you, he loves pining over you, he loves knowing that he can twist your emotions while you're in a long-term committed relationship, but he does not love you or else he would pursue you. None of this is accurate. No pining. No twisting. No indepth knowledge of my relationships. A guy wants you, he asks you out. Even shy guys will make a move eventually. He has asked to see me a lot, I am never around. I am not in the city for more than a fortnight a year, and very busy while there.

 

It sounds like he's had plenty of opportunities to have you, but he likes you right where you are. I have shut him down consistently, I have made effort to keep our conversation platonic.

Maybe it's an ego thing, he has your endless adoration and he has to put in absolutely zero effort - he doesn't even have to DATE you! Again, I don't live in his city. I don't show adoration. I don't extend conversation because I feel weird about it.

Set the bar a little higher for this dude and see what happens, I bet you'll be disappointed, but it'll leave no doubt in your mind how he really feels about you. I am not sure what you mean by this? Go on a date with him? Or spend time in his city?

 

The next time you want to make excuses about him being too shy or too busy or too whatever, STOP. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would LET YOU KNOW. He is shy, I am shy, I am too busy and never around- the main issue in finding out is me not being in the same city

I am more concerned about where my mind goes with this than how interested he is.

[topaMAXX]

Well, it's obviously pretty dumb that you're into him this much and keep turning down his advances.

 

But you didn't need me to tell you that, right?

[Sweetnothing]

I am more concerned about where my mind goes with this than how interested he is.

 

Well I guess the part that confused me was because you state pretty clearly how you feel in the first two sentences of your post. You have a crush on him, and it's making you feel crazy.

 

What I was getting at was that you could be feeling crazy because you can't gauge how HE felt which is pretty common when a person has a crush. Apparently you have this all covered though sorry I bothered.

[melell]

Well I guess the part that confused me was because you state pretty clearly how you feel in the first two sentences of your post. You have a crush on him, and it's making you feel crazy.

 

What I was getting at was that you could be feeling crazy because you can't gauge how HE felt which is pretty common when a person has a crush. Apparently you have this all covered though sorry I bothered.

 

Crazy as in am I a crazy person for thinking about someone so often when I barely see them.

 

No need for the hostility sweetnothing.

[melell]

Well, it's obviously pretty dumb that you're into him this much and keep turning down his advances.

 

But you didn't need me to tell you that, right?

 

True. But I find the idea of seeing him so weird- because I haven't spent that much time with him I just think 'isn't it unhealthy for me to be so fond of someone without spending time with them?'.

 

The amount I think about him seems really irrational considering how much contact we have had. I am fairly confident he likes me, and would like to see me as more than a friend. But I am more concerned with myself making a fantasy of this, it doesn't seem normal at all.

[Sweetnothing]

Crazy as in am I a crazy person for thinking about someone so often when I barely see them.

 

No need for the hostility sweetnothing.

 

I wasn't being hostile. I gave you my take on the scenario and you bolded all of my wrong assumptions and rejected my input so I was admitting I obviously don't have a grasp on your situation and can't help you.Text doesn't convey tone so I'm sorry you perceived that to be my attitude.

[InnocentMan]

It's not that weird, or unusual. I reckon most people have someone like this in their past, and think about them to differing degrees. The fact you've had sporadic contact is perhaps keeping it a little more "real" than it probably is in reality.

 

You have some feelings for him, and him for you, they've just never been resolved one way or another. This is probably what's creating the fantasy, as in you filling in the blanks in the absence of any action.

 

If it's getting to the stage of troubling you, it's probably time to do something about it. Either talk to him about it, or cut off the sporadic contact. I would personally lean towards talking to him. He's probably got very similar thoughts, going by what you've said.

 

I don't think it's that crazy, although I have a feeling that's what you wanted to hear. It's just an unresolved romance that still has possibilities.

[melell]

I wasn't being hostile. I gave you my take on the scenario and you bolded all of my wrong assumptions and rejected my input so I was admitting I obviously don't have a grasp on your situation and can't help you.Text doesn't convey tone so I'm sorry you perceived that to be my attitude.

 

Oh, I was just trying to explain the situation so I could get more precise feedback from you-I figured my initial post was too vague hence all the assumptions in your reply.

 

"Apparently you have this all covered though sorry I bothered." - that did come across as not so nice, I am not sure how it could be conveyed otherwise.

 

Sorry if my retort offended you sweetnothing.

[melell]

It's not that weird, or unusual. I reckon most people have someone like this in their past, and think about them to differing degrees. The fact you've had sporadic contact is perhaps keeping it a little more "real" than it probably is in reality.

 

You have some feelings for him, and him for you, they've just never been resolved one way or another. This is probably what's creating the fantasy, as in you filling in the blanks in the absence of any action.

 

If it's getting to the stage of troubling you, it's probably time to do something about it. Either talk to him about it, or cut off the sporadic contact. I would personally lean towards talking to him. He's probably got very similar thoughts, going by what you've said.

 

I don't think it's that crazy, although I have a feeling that's what you wanted to hear. It's just an unresolved romance that still has possibilities.

 

Haha well I did want to hear that it isn't so unusual, and that it would be hasty to reject the whole idea.

Regardless I am going to do my best to put it out of my mind and drop the fantasy- either way I don't want to approach it with him while actively fantasizing about it. I'd feel really weird about that, and I think that is why I have avoided it.

The idea that it is something unresolved is really helpful, and I can see how that certainly makes it easy for me to keep the fantasy going, it just lets me make it up as I go, and as I please.

 

Thank you

[Els]

Oof. I've had some severe crushes in my teens, but this... is another kettle of fish entirely. It's very worrisome, especially given that you have been with someone for 7 years while the fantasy has been ongoing. Does your partner genuinely make you happy?

 

You're definitely creating an unrealistic fantasy, IMO. As you say, you haven't spent much time together, so you're probably not aware of the human flaws and weaknesses that would spoil the fantasy.

 

Have you considered talking to a therapist?

[melell]

Oof. I've had some severe crushes in my teens, but this... is another kettle of fish entirely. It's very worrisome, especially given that you have been with someone for 7 years while the fantasy has been ongoing. Does your partner genuinely make you happy?

 

You're definitely creating an unrealistic fantasy, IMO. As you say, you haven't spent much time together, so you're probably not aware of the human flaws and weaknesses that would spoil the fantasy.

 

Have you considered talking to a therapist?

 

Oh, my ex partner. While we were together I never 'wanted' the other guy, but still thought of him. Less fantasy and more the thought here and there, but lots of dreaming about him during that time.

 

While being single my contact with the crush is more frequent, and more in the realm of possibility- before I never really considered actually going there because I wasn't single.

 

Exactly- I am completely unaware of the flaws, and in thinking about him I there are no flaws in the picture. It is as though I am getting some sort of comfort in general from this romanticized thinking, and the guy just happens to be the subject of the fantasy because (like the other poster said) there is unresolved attraction there. I know I could go and be with this guy, date him at least, but I know the reality of it would spoil it for me.

 

I'd maybe consider seeing a therapist- I seem to think about him when I am feeling really good and really bad but not inbetween- so there has to be more behind it.

 

It isn't that I think about this person all day everyday or anything. Every couple of weeks, or yeah when I am feeling exceptionally good or bad. I definitely picture what it would be like.

 

I am not a romantic person at all either, quite reserved, have been told I am not affectionate enough plenty of times before. I would say I am independent minded too. I have no real desire to marry, settle down, or have kids. So it really really stumps me.

[Els]

Oh, so you are single now? Why not ask him out, then? I mean, you have nothing to lose at this point. At the very least a rejection would shake your image of him and give you closure.

[melell]

Oh, so you are single now? Why not ask him out, then? I mean, you have nothing to lose at this point. At the very least a rejection would shake your image of him and give you closure.

 

Yep I am. I am pretty sure he would say yes if I asked, or ask me given the opportunity- but yeah, I don't even know if I actually like him, or am just making up an image of things in my head. I might go and spend a week or so with him next time I am in the city, I agree 100% bringing some reality into it will put an end to it either way.

 

Thanks

[Els]

Yep I am. I am pretty sure he would say yes if I asked, or ask me given the opportunity- but yeah, I don't even know if I actually like him, or am just making up an image of things in my head. I might go and spend a week or so with him next time I am in the city, I agree 100% bringing some reality into it will put an end to it either way.

 

Thanks

 

Yeah, just bite the bullet and go for it. Good luck.

[preraph]

I think you're just in love when he's unavailable. I think it's a fantasy because when he's in your face, you check out. You can't handle the reality of him. I think it's odd that you don't find this extremely weird in yourself. You may have issues of only liking guys who aren't available, but not necessarily.

 

I've had a crush on one guy for like 30 years and trust me, on the rare occasions when I got the chance, I made the most of it! I think you're disconnecting. It might be something you need to talk to someone about.

[melell]

I think you're just in love when he's unavailable. I think it's a fantasy because when he's in your face, you check out. You can't handle the reality of him. I think it's odd that you don't find this extremely weird in yourself. You may have issues of only liking guys who aren't available, but not necessarily.

 

I've had a crush on one guy for like 30 years and trust me, on the rare occasions when I got the chance, I made the most of it! I think you're disconnecting. It might be something you need to talk to someone about.

 

Yeah, I do find it extremely weird :/

I 100% agree that I am disconnecting for some reason with this- it is something I would like to get to the bottom of for sure, I am being pretty introspective with this one.

 

As far as unavailability goes I am not sure. I haven't found myself overly attracted to/fantasizing about anyone else that was unavailable. And my thoughts about this didn't change significantly while he was taken, but they did change once I was single.

 

I am thinking that this might have something to do with my finally being single after a long time. My life was fairly romantic for years and years, but is no longer that way.

Long term mutual attraction to someone + unresolved/potential + available for the first time in a long time + missing the romantic things in life + habit of disconnecting from reality = not so surprising that I would think in that way. I am hoping I can bring some logic into this recipe.

[preraph]

Not sure this is you, but sometimes things from childhood can make it hard for us to connect intimately. Like, someone could be social and fine with casual sex but very uncomfortable letting go with someone they might actually care about. It is a problem that does require therapy to find out how it originated. I don't think it's all that uncommon, but I do think it can keep a person from happiness. They will love, love from afar and freeze up face to face and generally not let themselves be vulnerable.

 

My old crush, I believe, is like that. He loves women but he's very skittish about intimacy. I found out (from him) that he'd had a rough childhood because of disease and I think that may be why. These days, he seems most comfortable dating women who don't even speak his same language. I think it keeps him from feeling he has to be that personal with them. He's a nice guy, though. Doesn't try to hurt people. Tries hard not to, in fact.

[Noproblem]

I feel you ...Few people can understand the torture .....

 

Your condition is called Torchbearer

 

It's a sad kind of love addiction ....To end it you have to confront the guy if he loves you back or not ..But we all know you never will

 

The only time he tried to kiss you, you rejected him because you live on the idea that he is not available...

 

It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on.

 

 

You should buy the book .... this is the article

 

Addiction to Unrequited Love by Mandy Peterson « New Sky Radio

[Noproblem]

Oh, so you are single now? Why not ask him out, then? I mean, you have nothing to lose at this point. At the very least a rejection would shake your image of him and give you closure.

 

She can't do that .....because something inside her is in control ...that thing will always stand in the way .. It wants her to suffer and it makes her think it's the end of the world if she ever think about expressing her feelings

 

 

she needs therapy ..

[melell]

I feel you ...Few people can understand the torture .....

 

Your condition is called Torchbearer

 

It's a sad kind of love addiction ....To end it you have to confront the guy if he loves you back or not ..But we all know you never will

 

The only time he tried to kiss you, you rejected him because you live on the idea that he is not available...

 

It sounds silly for one to be addicted to unrequited love, but it can sometimes be the result of growing up in a household where love was either conditional or not consistent. As a child, the “torchbearer,” may have been always trying to win the love, praise or affection from a parent (or someone else influential) who was unavailable, abusive or failed to provide proper nurturing…. or the child could have witnessed one parent in a sort of unrequited love relationship with the other and could have taken that energy on.

 

 

You should buy the book .... this is the article

 

Addiction to Unrequited Love by Mandy Peterson « New Sky Radio

 

I am not sure that is unrequited.

 

And grew up in a very unconditional loving family with both parents very present. Never had to search for praise with family, still don't.

 

I am not sure. Sorry I find it difficult to take your reference to seriously- the author is a spiritual healer/psychic of sorts?

 

I should probably just see a therapist.

[Noproblem]

I am not sure that is unrequited.

 

And grew up in a very unconditional loving family with both parents very present. Never had to search for praise with family, still don't.

 

I am not sure. Sorry I find it difficult to take your reference to seriously- the author is a spiritual healer/psychic of sorts?

 

I should probably just see a therapist.

 

Yeah, of course you know better.

Hope you can get peace