Feeling lost...family is making it worse

[monkey00]

I think im in the lost stage right about now...

 

Ok, how to start this?

my bro left for college and lived on campus when i had started h.s., upon graduation he's moved to another state and living on his own.

My dad just works, comes home and watches tv, thats all he does, he doesnt have to worry or care about anything else. So bills or anything else important, its either me or my mom that takes care of it.

 

I'm 20, i already finished my associates degree in advertising design. This semester i took off. So now all im really doing is Work, home, go on the comp, watch tv, gym, hang out with my friends a couple times a week.

 

Since this break started, i feel like im trapped in a cycle. I come home from work or whereever and sometimes my mom might be bitching about something like i never help out or how i come home and sit in front of the comp.

And then other times she nags about how i dont help my sister, she's 12 and a slow learner, yet truth is she doesnt care about school and has no motivation to learn because she knows she's slow. Yet my mom isnt strict enough with her, and often spoils her, and as u know the dad is suppos to be the strict one in the household but he doesnt care about ****. i try ot be strict with her, but she doesnt listen. Anyway it's not that i dont care about my sister, but often times i dont wanna hear about her problems, and i dont know how i can reach her really.

Then she yells about how the only person she can talk to about problems are my bro, which doesnt really care either, he's all talk and no action, he's just a listener.

 

I know im guilty of this, but many times i think to myself that my family esp my mom would be better off if my sister had not been born. mom is late 40's, and she takes her to school day in, day out, and doesnt seem like she's learning much. Then we have to worry about how she's goign to take care of herseelf when she gets older.

 

And me feeling trapped, and lost...where im headed in life, is this the career i really want...

I love my family but i really feel pressured or stressed sometimes

and i loved to move out but with my low paying job and upcoming college years i dont think i can yet...or maybe if i went away for college.

 

my bro had the easy way out, off to college and having complete freedom.

 

Right now things are feeling really redundant and suffocated. Anytime i go out she's there calling me bugging me when i'll be home and if im coming home for dinner...its not just one phone call, it's several times. Even if i tell her first, she'll still call and bug me anyway.

 

sometims i feel like i havent discovered myself yet, I thought i had a year ago, but im unsure now.

I feel llike moving or getting away from the parents is the best solution here....

 

Do you guys think im being selfish or is this normal?

[HokeyReligions]

Sounds like normal growing pains.

 

I think you may be projecting how you think you would feel in your mother's place. Try not to go there because it's impossible for you to understand what she feels or thinks---even when she tries to explain it. What we see on the surface of our parents lives are ONLY the surface. Like Mark Twain said when someone standing next to him on a river boat said to him "That's a mightly lot of water out there" talking about the Mississippi river, Twain replied "Yep, and you're only lookin' at the top of it."

 

You are not responsible for your sister. Don't take on unnecessary burdens. Help how you can, but don't put your own life in the background. You are old enough to understand that some parents have a hard time letting go and that is why she calls you so often. She worries and loves you.

 

Are you applying for scholarships and/or grants to help you with college? The more financial burden you can take off of your parents shoulders (and yourself) the easier it will be for all of you. Living in a dorm, or sharing an apartment will come soon if you work towards it.

[crisp]

My mom loves me to death, she confides in me, she trusts me, I'm like the man in the house - was. My dad is also laid back.

 

So you see, although I was a good daughter to her, communicating with her was h with me, askell. She didn't call me three times a day because she didn't have to. I was like programmed to come back home after school. She'd share most of her problems, asked for my opinion, involved in the making of some big decisions - all of which are very flattering. But I had no control. And just like you say, I felt the weight of the world on my sholders.

 

Anyway, even after leaving for college, I still felt as if I were under her spell.

 

I know she loves me. But the pressure was contant. Constant. No matter what I did was not enough for her. I could go further. It's not such a healty way of life, especially since she did not encourage me at all.

 

 

Anyway, bottom line: you can try as much as you can to excape her influence, unless you put permenant physical distance between you, it won't happen. Don't waist your forces.

 

Remember:

 

1. You are not your sister's father. She has parents and it's their responsability to keep a close aye on her.

 

2. Think "selfish". LEarn to become more "selfish". You said that you feel like trapped in a cercle. Well, that's because you don't feel like actually living. Take some time off for yourself alone and do what you want to do, what makes you pleasure.

 

3.Think "college". Think "scholarship". Sorry, but your sister's prob are her own. This is among the most important times of your life. You have to prepare yourself to get the best education your parents can afford. Remember: each person is responsable for their own happiness.

 

4. Next time you post, I want to hear you complain about the difficulty in chosing the best college. This is a subject worthy of tourmenting you. Even if you're young. If you want to get out of there, education is the way out.

 

 

Even after I moved out, I still needed more than one year to totally get my mom out of my system. She's fine, she's more than capable of taking care of herself and it's her fault for not finding people more appropriated in helping her - like dad. You are the child. Anf this is how it should be. I'm not saying you should not get at all involved or take your own responsabilities, but honestely, for yourself, learn to do less. It's not like she's appreciating what you do now, when you do more. Take the time and use it for YOUR priorities. I'm sure she loves you, but people show that in funny ways.

 

Lots of luck,

 

Crisp

[monkey00]

Thanks hokey and crisp for giving me good feedback!

 

My College situation is all covered, as my financial aid fully covers my tuition.

 

Truth is i didnt tell you guys enough in the post. Most of the time i fulfill my own needs moreso than my family's.

All i really do at home is do my laundry (and theirs if theres the time) and write the checks to pay the bills and take care of myself. I eat at home, i sleep at home, And my mom mostly does the grocery shopping.

 

now...i guess you can call me selfish now that you guys know the situation better. my mom uses the line "you never od anything" on me when she asks something of me.

 

Would you guys say im selfish or am i doing what anyone else would do at this time in their lives...

 

yes, i do feel suffocated living with them. I want to go out and learn hwo to take care of myself...learn to cook, etc.

 

BTW, I have one last question, Im in a situation now between applying to 2 colleges to finish my bachelors....

A well known design colllege located in the city, where i can commute to and from home.

OR

a less well known design university which i would probably have to live on campus, which is a fwe hrs away from home.

[moimeme]

This semester i took off. So now all im really doing is Work, home, go on the comp, watch tv, gym, hang out with my friends a couple times a week.

 

Yes you are being selfish and lazy to boot. Give your mom a hand around the house and help your sister with her homework. Life, friend, is not all about you. You will, presumably, one day have a wife and kids and you have to think about them instead of you. I don't get where the others are seeing you as so put-upon. You don't lift a finger and are basically a party boy at home. You should get a job for the term and make some money for yourself if you're not going to be in school.

 

You could learn to cook at home. You could help your mom to cook and she could teach you, for instance.

[Elmo]

Well, I don't know if you are being selfish but you are being unreasonable.

 

If you act like a dependent child and live in your mommy and daddy's house, you will have chores and certain responsibilities that they have say over.

 

You are an adult. You want all the goodies of being an adult but don't want to put in the effort. Everyone goes through this....but after age 18....you are legal and you are in charge of your own life.

 

I think you are deflecting your feelings of fear and inadequacy onto your little sister. She is not your problem. Your mom is taking care of her....and she might be quite happy with her... dumb, smart or in between.

 

Make your own life and stop looking for excuses.

 

And before you even go to the "But how can I pay for everything?" Figure it out...everyone else does. You might not be eating steak every night, but you will live. Just like the rest of us!