Must. End. My. A.

[SugarHibiscus]

Not sure what the point of this thread. A vent I guess.

 

I feel like an idiot and I'm angry. Angry with myself.

 

I asked cOM why he has been physically withdrawn for the past couple of weeks. He hasn't been his usual affectionate self lately. He seemed preoccupied and I wanted to know what was going on with him.

 

He told me that he was starting to understand the moral implications of our A. What?? We've "broken up" a couple of times in the past because of the guilt. I've been thinking about what this A says about me from DAY ONE.

 

The thing that made me angry is that he started questioning my morality. Basically placing all of the blame on my shoulders. Telling me that my moral compass was off and how what I did was much worse than what he did because I have more to lose. Why was I doing this to H? etc.

 

I know I deserve the blame, guilt and shame. But does that lessen his culpability? Last time I checked he was a willing participant. In fact, I feel like he groomed me for a year. I'm not blame shifting. I took decisive action to have this A. It is absolutely my fault.

 

OM asked me repeatedly during this convo if I was leaving H. Nope. I'm not. Never said I was. He said that our R wasn't going anywhere and it had to end. Ok. Painful, but ok.

 

Then, he calls me a few hours after I dropped him off to make sure that things were ok between us. Huh?? What?? Why yes, things are going along swimmingly. SMH

 

I'm an idiot for ever making the decision to step out on my marriage. My H's faults are many but we have ties that bind us. He is a better man than OM. What was I thinking!!!

[RickFox]

So when he calls again begging too see you, you will rush right to him, yes?

[imperfectangel]

So when he calls again begging too see you, you will rush right to him, yes?

 

that is what I was thinking I feel so bad for the OM in this

[whichwayisup]

I'm an idiot for ever making the decision to step out on my marriage. My H's faults are many but we have ties that bind us. He is a better man than OM. What was I thinking!!!

 

Then why are you continuing the affair with the OM? Don't be so afraid of feeling pain and losing the OM. You are married and seems like you know you aren't leaving your marriage/husband for the OM.

 

Just end it and be done with it all. Yes I know easier said than done but doing what you're doing now isn't working and it's messing you up, as well as the OM. Be strong and get help (counseling) if you can't do this on your own.

[SugarHibiscus]

that is what I was thinking I feel so bad for the OM in this

 

On my phone. I'll be brief. Why do you feel bad for him? Sincere question. He's not leaving his livein GF anytime soon. Their baby is due next month. I really do love him. I know I sound like an idiot.

[whichwayisup]

On my phone. I'll be brief. Why do you feel bad for him? Sincere question. He's not leaving his livein GF anytime soon. Their baby is due next month. I really do love him. I know I sound like an idiot.

 

And you're not leaving your husband and kids either. So where does this leave you (and him)?

 

You can love someone from afar, doesn't mean you have to have them.

[xxoo]

On my phone. I'll be brief. Why do you feel bad for him? Sincere question. He's not leaving his livein GF anytime soon. Their baby is due next month. I really do love him. I know I sound like an idiot.

 

You can love him without being with him. You can love him, care for him, and wish him the best with his life. In fact, if you truly love him, you can help him out by sending him back to his pregnant GF and telling him to work out his crap. You are destroying each other's lives.

 

Know better, do better. You know now that cheating was a bad choice, that your husband is the better man. So what sort of person do you want to be? What life, what reality, do you wish to create for yourself? Make choices that create the life you want. Doing the right thing for the long term often hurts in the short term.

[sunburned]

Not sure what the point of this thread. A vent I guess.

 

I feel like an idiot and I'm angry. Angry with myself.

 

I asked cOM why he has been physically withdrawn for the past couple of weeks. He hasn't been his usual affectionate self lately. He seemed preoccupied and I wanted to know what was going on with him.

 

He told me that he was starting to understand the moral implications of our A. What?? We've "broken up" a couple of times in the past because of the guilt. I've been thinking about what this A says about me from DAY ONE.

 

The thing that made me angry is that he started questioning my morality. Basically placing all of the blame on my shoulders. Telling me that my moral compass was off and how what I did was much worse than what he did because I have more to lose. Why was I doing this to H? etc.

 

I know I deserve the blame, guilt and shame. But does that lessen his culpability? Last time I checked he was a willing participant. In fact, I feel like he groomed me for a year. I'm not blame shifting. I took decisive action to have this A. It is absolutely my fault.

 

OM asked me repeatedly during this convo if I was leaving H. Nope. I'm not. Never said I was. He said that our R wasn't going anywhere and it had to end. Ok. Painful, but ok.

 

Then, he calls me a few hours after I dropped him off to make sure that things were ok between us. Huh?? What?? Why yes, things are going along swimmingly. SMH

 

I'm an idiot for ever making the decision to step out on my marriage. My H's faults are many but we have ties that bind us. He is a better man than OM. What was I thinking!!!

Yes, you are an idiot but an idiot in good company (myself included).

 

 

His self-righteousness should make it a tad bit easier for you to do the right thing and end this now. Your "bff" (with friends like these ... but that's another post) is pregnant with his baby. If you can't do right by her and by your H, then do it for yourself. He's just given you a hint as to how he really feels about you.

 

 

My concern is your past posts on your A have been very defensive ... a rambling discourse on the quaint marital contract, quoting famous writers out of context, asserting your right to be a happy mommy. I am afraid you are being humiliated out of this A by your pot of an OM calling his kettle of an OW black. Anything that gets you out is good, but I fear you'll return at his first apology or that you are apt to start up another one should the opportunity present itself.

 

 

I'm not being harsh, I was a cake-eater too. But your OM is right. It can't go anywhere except to dday. Your H is no doubt the better man you say he is. No surprise, most of us affair down. It is so hard to end, but summon up your dignity, take back your power and go NC. Who is he to lecture you about a moral compass? He got a girl (your best friend) prego out of wedlock, now she's about to deliver and he's having an affair with a married woman. Please.

 

 

Get to know your H again.

[Sub]

OM asked me repeatedly during this convo if I was leaving H. Nope. I'm not. Never said I was. He said that our R wasn't going anywhere and it had to end. Ok. Painful, but ok.

 

Why would he ask you this if he doesn't plan on leaving his pregnant GF? It never ceases to amaze me how this type of guy could get a married woman to risk everything for him. Jesus. Not to simultaneously somehow make you feel worse or absolve you of guilt, but good riddance.

[lynn1954]

Yes, Sugar, you're an idiot...just like all the rest of us who made the same mistake that you made. So, I have lots of sympathy for you...I've called myself an idiot and berated myself thousands of times. I understand.

 

 

Now, the next steps to take are actually relatively simple: end contact with OM, forgive yourself for making a stupid mistake, and make the truest, "bestest" effort to make your marriage as good as you can.

 

 

Don't even think twice about what OM thinks, says, does. Don't analyze whether he appears logical or illogical, sensible or crazy, understandable or incomprehensible. It doesn't matter.

 

 

Save yourself, save your H, save your kids if you have kids.

[SugarHibiscus]

So when he calls again begging too see you, you will rush right to him, yes?

 

I wish I could say no. I hope not to but I'm not stupid enough to say I'll never do it. My head and heart need to get inline.

 

You can love him without being with him. You can love him, care for him, and wish him the best with his life. In fact, if you truly love him, you can help him out by sending him back to his pregnant GF and telling him to work out his crap. You are destroying each other's lives.

 

Know better, do better. You know now that cheating was a bad choice, that your husband is the better man. So what sort of person do you want to be? What life, what reality, do you wish to create for yourself? Make choices that create the life you want. Doing the right thing for the long term often hurts in the short term.

 

Thank you for this. I told him this yesterday. That no matter what I love him, but we both need to figure our crap out separately.

 

Yes, you are an idiot but an idiot in good company (myself included).

 

 

His self-righteousness should make it a tad bit easier for you to do the right thing and end this now. Your "bff" (with friends like these ... but that's another post) is pregnant with his baby. If you can't do right by her and by your H, then do it for yourself. He's just given you a hint as to how he really feels about you.

 

I've decided that I need to end my relationship with my BFF. We've been close for 20 years but I have to come to terms with the fact that we haven't really been friends for a couple of years. I have a lot of resentment toward her for several reasons. Not the least of which is how she treats my child who has a disability. She completely lacks empathy. (Don't all jump on that at once.) She didn't deserve my betrayal, but it's time to cut our loses.

 

 

My concern is your past posts on your A have been very defensive ... a rambling discourse on the quaint marital contract, quoting famous writers out of context, asserting your right to be a happy mommy. I am afraid you are being humiliated out of this A by your pot of an OM calling his kettle of an OW black. Anything that gets you out is good, but I fear you'll return at his first apology or that you are apt to start up another one should the opportunity present itself.

Ha. You're right. I am defensive. Oh and I always quote random writers out of context. My H HATES that. Yesterday, we were talking about how cold it is and how it's almost April so I had to quote Eliot..."April is the cruelest month..." And I ramble.

 

As far as being humiliated, he didn't humiliate me. He shocked me. We've talked at length about why I think I'm doing this. What my motivations are. I've talked to this man for hours daily for almost two years. I thought he knew me. Maybe he does. I don't know. I do know that I will never have another A. Never.

 

 

I'm not being harsh, I was a cake-eater too. But your OM is right. It can't go anywhere except to dday. Your H is no doubt the better man you say he is. No surprise, most of us affair down. It is so hard to end, but summon up your dignity, take back your power and go NC. Who is he to lecture you about a moral compass? He got a girl (your best friend) prego out of wedlock, now she's about to deliver and he's having an affair with a married woman. Please.

 

And it's his second baby momma. He's not a present father to his teenaged son.

 

[SugarHibiscus]

Apparently, I'm on a Sugar is emotionally stupid kick. Do I tell OM that I want to go NC? Do I just stop responding? Stop initiating? I don't want him to go bunny boiler on me. Even though after yesterday's convo, I think he's done with me. Maybe. Then he calls. Ugh.

 

I've been with H since high school so I've literally never broken up with anyone before.

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going to go bunny boiler on you. He has A LOT to lose as well, so it's not like he's gonna go tell your husband. He's not stupid enough to do that knowing full well you could tell his girlfriend that he's been having an A with you.

 

Just do one email and say you're done, that he please respect your wishes to not contact you again. Wish him well and then dump that email account and create a new one. If need be, get a new cell number if you can't block him on your cell.

 

You don't owe him any long explanation either, you're not obligated to him, nor him to you.

[Sub]

He isn't going to go bunny boiler on you. He has A LOT to lose as well, so it's not like he's gonna go tell your husband. He's not stupid enough to do that knowing full well you could tell his girlfriend that he's been having an A with you.

 

I don't mean to stress the OP, but the guy's an absentee father to his first kid and he's cheating on his current, pregnant GF. Doesn't sound like the type to really give a s*** about losing important things in his life.

 

I would stop initiating, at the very least.

[SugarHibiscus]

I don't mean to stress the OP, but the guy's an absentee father to his first kid and he's cheating on his current, pregnant GF. Doesn't sound like the type to really give a s*** about losing important things in his life.

 

I would stop initiating, at the very least.

 

This is a valid point. While illuminating me as to how much worse of a person I am than him, he said: "I can just walk away. I've done it before. You're stuck." At this point, he may have been saying this out of anger.

 

I should point out that I was pretty harsh last night too. He asked me what the point was of continuing and I answered that I really liked cake. It was pretty and tasted good. He no like that. I was just trying to be mean. He was handing me my a$$ for calling him hot and cold at this stage.

 

Our first fight btw.

 

Anyway, I've been concerned about him dropping the dime for months now. See my original post My Impending Train Wreck and My AP is a Loose Canon.

[jellybean89]

You can love him without being with him. You can love him, care for him, and wish him the best with his life. In fact, if you truly love him, you can help him out by sending him back to his pregnant GF and telling him to work out his crap. You are destroying each other's lives.

 

Know better, do better. You know now that cheating was a bad choice, that your husband is the better man. So what sort of person do you want to be? What life, what reality, do you wish to create for yourself? Make choices that create the life you want. Doing the right thing for the long term often hurts in the short term.

 

Great post xxoo!

 

Yes, you are both destroying each others lives. Sugar, you are still defending the MM. You won't realize how bad of a mistake this was until it hits you in the face, probably with a D Day.

 

Save yourself that. End it - and put it behind you. Focus on your marriage. Focus on being the best wife you can be to your spouse. Focus on anything but the MM and his life. Please. Do it for the unborn babies sake if nothing else.

[sunburned]

This is a valid point. While illuminating me as to how much worse of a person I am than him, he said: "I can just walk away. I've done it before. You're stuck." At this point, he may have been saying this out of anger.

 

I

Asshat (ten characters of asshat)

[KaliLove]

Ewww..he's a terrible person Don't sink to his level. Get out now. Reconnect with your husband.

[Bootsie]

The heading of this thread says it all. I hope for you that there will come a time when it is so internalised that you will be able to do it.

[MovingPast]

I am truly sorry for your pain.

 

I hope that you are able to go forward making choices that are best for your family and yourself.

 

It will be beyond tempting to go back if he calls, it would remove the pain immediately ... but at what cost to you? further heartache down the road? That is a terribly addictive, debilitating cycle to get into.

 

You have so much, a husband that you obviously have a strong bond with, precious children ... a lot of women would give their right arm to have what you have. My sincere hope for you is that you can take what you have, build upon it and find a way to be fulfilled with your life.

 

I wish you luck.

[Sub]

This is a valid point. While illuminating me as to how much worse of a person I am than him, he said: "I can just walk away. I've done it before. You're stuck." At this point, he may have been saying this out of anger.

 

Yeah, I think you need to realize that based on this idiot's track record, it wasn't out of anger. Unless "anger" is just a perpetual state of being for him. And in that case, don't waste any breaths on "what was I thinking". You'll need them all as you run...the f***....away.

[SugarHibiscus]

Thanks again for all of the replies. I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL and LS really has served as a good outlet and way to get others thoughts about my sitch.

 

I'm feeling a tremendous amount of relief today and resolve to end this affair permanently. I'm going to focus on WHY I had this affair in the first place and try to be brutally honest with myself. My main goal is to prevent myself from ever looking outside of my marriage again.

 

Also, I made an appointment to see my therapist. Back to IC for me...

 

Some things I've been thinking about/what I learned from this experience:

 

1. I have boundry issues. My affair started because I thought that I would never have an affair. My H had one and know the pain it caused me. I was naive. I made a series of (sometimes small) decisions that led to me compromising my morals. It happened in degrees. It was not like I went into my friendship with my OM thinking I was going to fall in love with him but that we were "just friends".

 

2. I must work with my husband and forgive his faults. I've spent a lot of time focusing on his faults over the past several months. I also need to forgive myself. (That's going to be a hard and long process.) I need to have a come to Jesus talk with H.

 

3. Revenge really does hasten forgiveness. It's not right. It's not. But now I think I truly forgive my H for his affair. I thought I had forgiven him before but clearly I hadn't. As to my friend, she's not my friend. I need to get her out of my life. I know this sounds calculated; maybe I was doing this subconsciously. I need to let go of my self righteousness.

 

4. I can't control if my OM discloses our affair. I'm not going to spend my energy worrying about it. I'm also not going to spend my time worrying about what he's doing/thinking/feeling or with what if's. I do love him but what does that have to do with anything? I'm where I need to be--with my children and husband.

 

It sounds good on paper but it's going to be hard. I'm not going to actively try to stop thinking about him. I'm just going to let the thoughts come and go without trying to control them. The more I try not to think about something the more I think about it. I bet that's a lot of people.

 

Ok...go ahead...call me on my bull crap...I need to hear it.

Edited March 27, 2014 by SugarHibiscus
typo

[Fluttershy]

Thanks again for all of the replies. I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL and LS really has served as a good outlet and way to get others thoughts about my sitch.

 

I'm feeling a tremendous amount of relief today and resolve to end this affair permanently. I'm going to focus on WHY I had this affair in the first place and try to be brutally honest with myself. My main goal is to prevent myself from ever looking outside of my marriage again.

 

Also, I made an appointment to see my therapist. Back to IC for me...

 

Some things I've been thinking about/what I learned from this experience:

 

1. I have boundry issues. My affair started because I thought that I would never have an affair. My H had one and know the pain it caused me. I was naive. I made a series of (sometimes small) decisions that led to me compromising my morals. It happened in degrees. It was not like I went into my friendship with my OM thinking I was going to fall in love with him but that we were "just friends".

 

2. I must work with my husband and forgive his faults. I've spent a lot of time focusing on his faults over the past several months. I also need to forgive myself. (That's going to be a hard and long process.) I need to have a come to Jesus talk with H.

 

3. Revenge really does hasten forgiveness. It's not right. It's not. But now I think I truly forgive my H for his affair. I thought I had forgiven him before but clearly I hadn't. As to my friend, she's not my friend. I need to get her out of my life. I know this sounds calculated; maybe I was doing this subconsciously. I need to let go of my self righteousness.

 

4. I can't control if my OM discloses our affair. I'm not going to spend my energy worrying about it. I'm also not going to spend my time worrying about what he's doing/thinking/feeling or with what if's. I do love him but what does that have to do with anything? I'm where I need to be--with my children and husband.

 

It sounds good on paper but it's going to be hard. I'm not going to actively try to stop thinking about him. I'm just going to let the thoughts come and go without trying to control them. The more I try not to think about something the more I think about it. I bet that's a lot of people.

 

Ok...go ahead...call me on my bull crap...I need to hear it.

 

 

You need to come clean to your H ASAP. It is very clear in your case. I know I am pro confession for almost all cases but sometimes I see it more than others. Why? Because you know you can't let fear of exposure keep you catering to your OM's back and forth. And you can also see he is unstable and a loose cannon. He is ripe to do something rash. And you know by his pwn words he is not invested in his marriage. He is very likely going to want to destroy you.

 

So if it comes to your H hearing aboit the A from him or uou who do you think is the better choice? Him and whatever wackjob story he will make up. He is already blamshifting everything to you. Or you coming clean.

 

Or you can gamble he will actually ehave like a decent human being for once and not create some sort of big scene and keep the whole thing under your hat. I'm just afraid with his craziness and your own foggy vision you will be forever waiting for him to blow it out of the water.

[SugarHibiscus]

I'm not going to confess to my husband for two main reasons.

 

First, if I could turn back time I would have him keep his affair to himself. When he confessed to his affair, it changed who I was. He, presumably, will never be unfaithful again. He was racked with guilt and regret. Why was telling me helpful? It just spread the grief and pain. If I hadn't found out, I think I would be better off. I know that's a controversial viewpoint but that's how I feel. I felt that way long before I started this affair.

 

Secondly, my friend is just about to have her first child. I've already hurt her enough. The revelation of a double betrayal at this moment would be even more devastating.

 

He hasn't tried to contact me today. I miss him. We really are/were close friends. I guess this is day 1 of NC. We usually talk for a couple of hours a day.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks again for all of the replies. I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL and LS really has served as a good outlet and way to get others thoughts about my sitch.

 

I'm feeling a tremendous amount of relief today and resolve to end this affair permanently. I'm going to focus on WHY I had this affair in the first place and try to be brutally honest with myself. My main goal is to prevent myself from ever looking outside of my marriage again.

 

Also, I made an appointment to see my therapist. Back to IC for me...

 

Some things I've been thinking about/what I learned from this experience:

 

1. I have boundry issues. My affair started because I thought that I would never have an affair. My H had one and know the pain it caused me. I was naive. I made a series of (sometimes small) decisions that led to me compromising my morals. It happened in degrees. It was not like I went into my friendship with my OM thinking I was going to fall in love with him but that we were "just friends".

 

2. I must work with my husband and forgive his faults. I've spent a lot of time focusing on his faults over the past several months. I also need to forgive myself. (That's going to be a hard and long process.) I need to have a come to Jesus talk with H.

 

3. Revenge really does hasten forgiveness. It's not right. It's not. But now I think I truly forgive my H for his affair. I thought I had forgiven him before but clearly I hadn't. As to my friend, she's not my friend. I need to get her out of my life. I know this sounds calculated; maybe I was doing this subconsciously. I need to let go of my self righteousness.

 

4. I can't control if my OM discloses our affair. I'm not going to spend my energy worrying about it. I'm also not going to spend my time worrying about what he's doing/thinking/feeling or with what if's. I do love him but what does that have to do with anything? I'm where I need to be--with my children and husband.

 

It sounds good on paper but it's going to be hard. I'm not going to actively try to stop thinking about him. I'm just going to let the thoughts come and go without trying to control them. The more I try not to think about something the more I think about it. I bet that's a lot of people.

 

Ok...go ahead...call me on my bull crap...I need to hear it.

 

Love Love Love your post. It isn't easy to open up and admit your inner feelings/fears and thoughts, so good on you for seeing what you need to do next.

Be proud of yourself!

 

Now, the hard work begins, putting what you said into actual action and stick to it. Make yourself totally accountable. Work on you, do counseling and whatever it takes to be 'you' again, the woman and wife you're meant to be. Affair proof yourself and your marriage.

 

Two thumbs up!