Must. End. My. A.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to confess to my husband for two main reasons.

 

First, if I could turn back time I would have him keep his affair to himself. When he confessed to his affair, it changed who I was. He, presumably, will never be unfaithful again. He was racked with guilt and regret. Why was telling me helpful? It just spread the grief and pain. If I hadn't found out, I think I would be better off. I know that's a controversial viewpoint but that's how I feel. I felt that way long before I started this affair.

 

Secondly, my friend is just about to have her first child. I've already hurt her enough. The revelation of a double betrayal at this moment would be even more devastating.

 

He hasn't tried to contact me today. I miss him. We really are/were close friends. I guess this is day 1 of NC. We usually talk for a couple of hours a day.

 

You do owe him the truth.

 

I do get your struggle about coming clean because there's going to be huge and devastating fall out. My worry though is, that the truth will come out at some point in the future and it'll be much worse if they all find out later. You have a real chance of being honest and truly starting over with your H, clean slate as you both have had affairs and cheated. Neither of you are no better than the other.

[SugarHibiscus]

Thanks WhichWay...I was thinking my post was a bunch of self-justifying drivel.

 

I really can't disclose right now...maybe in a few months. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She has advised me not to confess in the past though. I haven't seen her since the Fall. I was seeing her to deal with other issues.

[KaliLove]

You do owe him the truth.

 

I do get your struggle about coming clean because there's going to be huge and devastating fall out. My worry though is, that the truth will come out at some point in the future and it'll be much worse if they all find out later. You have a real chance of being honest and truly starting over with your H, clean slate as you both have had affairs and cheated. Neither of you are no better than the other.

 

I agree with most of your posts but I have to say that I disagree with this. His wife is about to have a baby and if SH confesses, chances are it'll get back to her as well. She needs to be able to focus on her child right now. This really is very bad timing for all of this.

 

SH I hope you are strong enough to walk away from him for good.

[Popsicle]

The thing that made me angry is that he started questioning my morality. Basically placing all of the blame on my shoulders. Telling me that my moral compass was off and how what I did was much worse than what he did because I have more to lose. Why was I doing this to H? etc.

 

 

How about that?

 

Look, honey, I'm SINGLE and my xMM still made comments to me like I was the immoral one and he was the angelic Mr. Goody Two Shoes. SMH. It's just a crafty tactic some use to relieve themselves from guilt.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Popsicle

[Fluttershy]

Thanks WhichWay...I was thinking my post was a bunch of self-justifying drivel.

 

I really can't disclose right now...maybe in a few months. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She has advised me not to confess in the past though. I haven't seen her since the Fall. I was seeing her to deal with other issues.

 

Honey, you can rationalize and reason accountability away until the cows come home but in the real world it isn't that simple. Was your H's AP a ticking, crazy time bomb and close friend? Did your husband end te affair before or after confessing? Was the problem his confessing or your poor coping skills you never worked on?

 

Your AP is a loose cannon. He cares very little about his wife and children and has outright said that when saying he could walk away and you can't.

 

You have failed misrably at ending the A because you can't do NC or even LC.

 

You are an emotional mess making little to know progress so your counsellors advice to not tell doesn't seem to be working for you.

 

Simply put. How long will it take for you to actually end the A for good and build a better marriage with him out of your mind? And in all that time you are risking being caught.

 

Don't pretend not telling is somehow concern for your "friend" or husband. If the A was actually over and you had did something to get these people out of your life I would believe you when you claimes that sparing pain was your reason for not telling. But it looks more keeping it to yourself is because you truly don't want to give the cake up. If you did, you would.

[Darren Steez]

Thanks WhichWay...I was thinking my post was a bunch of self-justifying drivel.

 

I really can't disclose right now...maybe in a few months. I'm going to talk to my therapist about it. She has advised me not to confess in the past though. I haven't seen her since the Fall. I was seeing her to deal with other issues.

 

So she advised you not to confess in the past, which enabled you to continue this affair? Your husband manned up and confessed, all I see here is cowardly self justification being enabled by a so called therapist.

 

Sorry for the 2x4.

 

Being sarcastic, I'm guessing the therapist thinks sex with OM will be therapeutic in the long run for your M

[SugarHibiscus]

It's been two months since my "break up" with my OM so I thought I'd update...

 

I've talked to him a handful of times and have seen him in social settings. I have zero desire to be with him. I may have rose-tinted glasses on before but now I see him more clearly.

 

Do I love him? Yes, as a person not a partner. He has serious relationship issues. His affair with me was a symptom of his bigger issues.

 

Clearly, I have issues too. I was right there with him. Infidelity is not my usual MO and I will never put myself in that position again.

 

Do I miss him? Sometimes. But not in a "my heart is breaking" sort of way". Even if we left our SO to be with each other, I could never trust him. He's not the marrying kind.

 

I also broke up with my BFF fairly dramatically. That bridge is certainly burned. I, without blatantly saying it, told her that her suspicions were right and OM and I were much much closer than appropriate. Oh, and I did this in a large group setting. Two hours late to her party and walked in with her BF. Just me and him. Two hours late. Unaccounted for tow hours. How's that for a middle finger? Lose my kid again lady and blame it on me when you were babysitting him.

 

I truly am a good friend. I wouldn't do this with a stranger's husband. Ever.

 

I did this to her out of revenge for the things that she did to me. I am not proud of this at all. It makes me sick to think about it. I should have ended the relationship years ago. Instead I let it fester to the point of giving her the ultimate middle finger...sleeping with her BF while she was pregnant. I could have taken him away from her. Easily.

 

Shared history doesn't mean you have to put up with a friends BS forever.

 

Not a good reflection of me as a person, but I'm being honest. IRL I'm caring and giving. I don't know why I did this. That is what I'm going to focus on. Why I did this. To hell with my OM. I'm not going to pine for him for a second.

 

Not pretty, but my current truth. Flame away.

[A.Moscote]

You could have been more considerate than that but at least now she knows her real situation and what a dishonest person her partner is.

 

Just focus on yourself now, it really is the time now to move forward. If you still want to save your marriage then work on it, make your husband more involved. If you don't care, then just get out and move on, not a great marriage it seems anyway.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Dear god. Who needs enemies with friends like you?

 

Get back into counsiling. Pronto. You have serious Issues.

 

Not only was it immature, it was spiteful, hateful and nasty. And clearly your hate has no boundaries.

 

Try and become a person your children should be proud of.

 

ETA: The reason I responded so viscerally to your post was not because of your actions. You already know you've been an awful friend, or no friend at all. I recommend IC because you seem justified in your hate....and lady, you just arent. Your dismissiveness and defensiveness shows that you are not sorry for a single thing you've done, but your self hate is also pretty evident, hence all this destructive behaviour. Good luck to you. I mean that honestly. You have a long hard journey ahead of you.

Edited May 22, 2014 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[SugarHibiscus]

Dear god. Who needs enemies with friends like you?

 

Get back into counsiling. Pronto. You have serious Issues.

 

Not only was it immature, it was spiteful, hateful and nasty. And clearly your hate has no boundaries.

 

Try and become a person your children should be proud of.

 

ETA: The reason I responded so viscerally to your post was not because of your actions. You already know you've been an awful friend, or no friend at all. I recommend IC because you seem justified in your hate....and lady, you just arent. Your dismissiveness and defensiveness shows that you are not sorry for a single thing you've done, but your self hate is also pretty evident, hence all this destructive behaviour. Good luck to you. I mean that honestly. You have a long hard journey ahead of you.

 

Slow your roll.

 

I have always believed that it is better to get even than get mad.

 

Revenge is a base pursuit, but a human one nonetheless.

 

You can't judge if my hate is justified as you do not know the specifics of my situation. Also, my hate is not boundless. He could be here with me right now and she could be home alone with her new baby.

 

As far as being defensive and dismissive, I'm doing my best to be as candid as possible. At the start of my A, I didn't consciously set out for retribution. But, hindsight is 20/20 and now I can see it was one of my main motivations.

 

If I could go back in time, I would never have created this mess. Am I sorry? I can't say I am. Sometimes people get what they deserve.

 

I have not an ounce of self-hatred. I am human and all of us make mistakes. (Yes, this includes you.)

Edited May 23, 2014 by SugarHibiscus