Not sure how to fix things

[tbx]

My wife told me she is unhappy with our marriage last night. It totally blindsided me. Today I am completely depressed. I have never been particularly good at showing affection and she needs to see more. She also wants to spend more alone time together which I am for. We have a toddler and a baby and both work full time jobs, so finding time for each other is hard. I told her I would do whatever was necessary to fix things so we are going to try counseling. I just fear that I will never be able to show my affection towards her the way she wants. I have never been the type of person who is real touchy feely the way she wants. I will give every effort to try and be that person but I don't know if I will be able to. Anyone else had this problem? and were you able to change?

Thanks in advance.

[RightThere]

It is pretty normal after having a couple of young children for the wife to feel unattractive and ignored. You both have been so focused on work and the kids you likely forgot to fulfill each other's needs.

 

I would recommend checking out The 5 Love Languages book. Dead simple as to how to make your significant other feel more appreciated.

 

Sounds like she wants to work on things so don't sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Take it as a gift she is offering you. Honesty and the chance to make some real positive changes in your relationship.

[d0nnivain]

All is not lost. She told you what is making her unhappy & she told you how you can fix it.

 

She's your wife. You should be able to show affection.

 

 

• Do you hug & kiss her hello & goodbye? If not, start.
  
• Sneak up behind her, wrap your arms around her & hug her while nibbling on her neck
  
• Send her a random text message a few times per week: I love you. I'm thinking about you. I'm glad you're my wife. You're beautiful. It's OK to repeat yourself on these.
  
• Write those same kinds of messages on a post it & leave them places she will find them.
  
• Write her a love letter. It does not have to be Shakespeare or Lord Byron. Just tell her why you are glad she's your wife.
  
• Offer her a back rub.
  
• Run a bubble bath for her.
  
• Make her breakfast in bed on the weekend.
  
• Do the laundry or clean the bathroom.
  
• Send the kids to the grandparents once per month.
  
• Hold her hand when you are in public.
  

 

Send her flowers or bring some home from the grocery store.

 

She simply wants you to show that she's important to you. Even if all the above feels weird to you, it will be wonderful for her. If it saves your marriage, isn't it worth it?

[Chi townD]

Dude you start off slow and even the SMALLEST of gestures makes a HUGE impact on her.

 

 

If she's doing the dishes, come up from behind and give her a hug from behind.

 

 

I was letting the small stuff go to the wayside because I've been married for a while and you fall into a routine. One time we got out of the car walking towards a building and I just grabbed and held her hand. No big deal right. But later she told me that it meant the world to her. Just a small gesture out in public to show the world that she belonged to me and that we are together.

 

 

You need to date your wife again. It's sooo important. Try to have one night a week that you hire a babysitter and take her out on a date. Let her know that, not only is she your wife and mother to your kids, but is the same girl you fell in love with since your first date. Let her feel that you are her partner in life, her rock and her husband. She doesn't want a roommate (which is what you are to her right now), she wants a husband.

 

 

So, be that. Surprise her. You don't even need to be affectionate! If you get up and leave for work before she does, leave an "I love you" post it note on the bathroom mirror for her to find.

 

 

When she's at work, have flowers delivered there for her. For no reason other to say that you were thinking about her. Man! all the other women at her work will tell her that they are jealous because their husbands or boyfriends don't send them flowers at work. You just became her hero for making her feel like she's the type of woman that deserves flowers for no reason.

 

 

One night when she gets home from work, you cook dinner and do the washing up, YOU take care of the kids while you draw her up a warm bath and pour her a glass of wine. Let her soak and relax and you take care of everything else. And when you get the kids to sleep, just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie together.

 

 

Those are really simple things that's going to make a huge impact with her. But, be consistent with it.

Edited March 26, 2014 by Chi townD