EmptyinNV Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Hello, It has been well over a year since I have been on this site. My ex husband and I divorced in November 2012, he quickly remarried someone, they had a child and now he is again divorced. I did very well with no contact with him, I moved 1500 miles away and started a new life. Our son and I are happy, well adjusted and doing great. During our time apart I grew in ways that I needed to grow in desperately. I became a much better person, experienced lots of great things, I went back to college and I lost over 70 lbs. Well, my ex husband has asked me if I have ever thought about working things out with him. I have, a lot. He was one of my best friends, and still easily could be. We've been talking for a few weeks now and he has told me about all the counseling he has done, how he knows he ruined a perfectly good marriage for his own selfish impulses, and regrets doing everything he has done. His actions are speaking much louder than his words with me and our son as well. The conversation came up the other night about my son and I moving back to Nevada and living with him and seeing how things go. It is amazing to see the growth I have done, a year ago I would have been there already but now I'm not so sure. I not only have to accept what he has done, I also have to accept the fact that he has a child with this woman and this child and her mother will be apart of my life. I also worry that if I never give us the opportunity to at least see how things go, that I will always regret it. I know this is a choice I can only make on my own, unfortunately I can't afford to move out there and get a place of my own and date him. I can honestly say this, had he not had a child with this woman, the choice would be much easier to make. Our 5 yr old misses his dad, but I also do not want to confuse him or hurt him, his well being is my top priority. Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) Congratulations to your successful divorce recovery from a man who cheated on you with a woman that bore his child. The day you can look at them side by side, in a photo op with your son, (and not you), might be a day to "think about Nevada. I'm very happy as are you, for his new born, with his new Nevada wife. But, as they say, that ole' failed marriage of yours has to be thrown out with the bath water, ALL of it! Whoosh! That is why you are doing so well. She is about to get screwed over like you, darling. She'll be depressed by the same treatment you received (if not already), and the pounds will start packing the more she gives, and the more contempt she gets in return. Broken Record. Do not throw your new life away, for a man that is on the road to cheating on another woman with an infant in her arms. That, in itself, should show you what his real character is. You have become strong and independent. You don't have any business speaking to married men - unless it is about the child. What are you with him for anyway? That is uncool. Stay away. Get a hotel. Or let your son fly alone. Whatever you do, deprive this man of your sight. He lost you. Let him see what it feels like. Accept it yourself. I mean, what else needs to be added to this picture to show it's hopelessness? There should be no chat-chat about getting back together when you are at his wife's home. That is wrong. If he wants a future with you, let him get a divorce, move where you are, and perhaps you'll include him in your dating cycle. You are not his anymore. And visa-versa. His wife is a person too - and just had a baby - and her husband is already on the prowl, and you are a participant. Call her and tell her. She has a right to know. That would also put the kabash on your "crush.". You got divorced for a very good reason that is playing out before your eyes right now. And you girls are not the only women he hangs with and has sex with, that you can take to the bank. I hope this helps you. It has taken me a long time to accept this FACT to. It is so hard, because, he is so charming and convincing. But now - with experience - you can step back and watch what he does like a movie. Thank you for your thread. It enlightened me. Yas PS. Your child misses dad so much, let him spend the summer with Dad! You go to Italy. Edited March 27, 2014 by Yasuandio 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyinNV Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Why is everyone so sure he cheated on me? We got divorced, he met her, they got married quickly, had a child, and are now divorced. I wish he could relocate, his career won't allow that. I also wouldn't be throwing my new life away, I'd continue going to school, I'd transfer with my company. Link to post Share on other sites
letsplaygofish2 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Sometimes I cringe at how the posts here are so unforgiving!! I disagree with the other person who posted that you are doing so well because you threw out the old bath water. I do think that people are capable of changing, that we are all born in good nature and a clean slate. I also believe that people are capable of learning new tricks and growing along the way, so much as if they are able to recognize their wrong-doings, admit to fault and take responsibility. It sounds like your ex has realized his ways and wants to discuss. I'm sorry to hear that he's divorced the new-ex-wife already, but that's his business to deal with, right? Unless you have some reason as to why this isn't a good thing, then I think that it's all worth a conversation and find out where the heart truly lies. If you know yourself well enough, you can learn to trust your heart more than your head 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) "Realized his ways?" This is a married man talking to an "old flame" about reuniting. His new wife just bore his infant. Forgive me. Perhaps I was hasty, there are many new definitions of the Modern and Post-Modern Family, and your previous bath water may very well be worth saving. Two families raised concurrently like the Brady Bunch, it's been done. It could be in the same town or under the same roof if the women could get friendly. Maybe the wive and ex could take turns being "Alice" on each episode. Y Edited March 27, 2014 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
pinkie Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Yasaundio... He is no longer married to the new wife! Geez, read the post!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pinkie Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Dear Empty... I think it is very good character of you to consider a reconciliation with your ex after all you've been through. However, I would at this point only concentrate on maintaining a 'friendship' for you and for your son. You may find later down the road that you are not in love with him and it would just be history repeating itself if you two broke it off again. Go slow, keep your new improved life and make room for the 'friendship'. Goodluck! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I just think it's risky to give this man a second chance. He doesn't seem to know WHAT it is that he wants while leaving all of his kids behind. Too much flip floping. Suppose he gets back with you and again decides you are not what he wanted either and on to the next fantasy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 OP, though I was not married to my ex gf, she came back to me after 8 months apart. We dated for 12 months, I ended the relationship. She would give me regualr "updates" on the changes she was making in her life during those 8 months and alwasy said she was making changes for her, not, for me. It was the first time I ever tried reconciliation. She spoke about a lot of change, and I saw some of it. A lot of it was just words, though, and, at her core, she was still the person I could not date. Her changes were great ones, though I could see some slipping from time to time. In her heart I know she meant what she said, and wanted to do, what she said. Also, for me, I could not let go of our history. Read up on reconciliation. Lots of folks say you have to forget the old relationship and start a new one. I kind of believe that now. I was not able to do that with her. Be careful you are not recylcing for the sake of, recycling. Being frustrated with not "finding a mate", etc. I felt some of this when she came back with her offer to try again. I was in a very good place when she came back, and looking back i wish I never did it. But, I have learned from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyinNV Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Thank you so much for all the wonderful and helpful advice! I have worked with a counselor for my own issues and pain I had with my divorce, it was helpful but I no longer feel like it was needed for myself. If I made the move I'd likely rent two rooms at my friends home for the first 6 months or so to see how things go and attend counseling with him. I'm still milling it over, looking at all the logistics and trying to decide if this is worth a second shot. A huge part of me wonders if I will live the rest of my life wondering how things could have played out and luckily, I have the freedom to move where ever I want due to being a full time student. Yas, you're coming across in text as very condescending and rude. I have to accept the fact that he had a child with someone else, I know that, that is the biggest thing that has kept me from not moving back yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyinNV Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 I just think it's risky to give this man a second chance. He doesn't seem to know WHAT it is that he wants while leaving all of his kids behind. Too much flip floping. Suppose he gets back with you and again decides you are not what he wanted either and on to the next fantasy. Yes, this is a huge thought of mine. I wouldn't be making any changes I couldn't undo for myself though. My plan is if I do go out there, give it 6 months. If I can't accept things, if I no longer feel the same, my son and I will move back to Texas and I'll be able to get right back into the swing of things in my own life here (work, school etc) my education is transferable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 (edited) Yasaundio... He is no longer married to the new wife! Geez, read the post!!! Right, he's no longer married to the new wife he had a baby with after he disposed of the old wife he had the baby (babies) with. Like duh. That is the point right there, hon. It is not about marriage, that is a legal contract on a piece of paper. It is about where his penis is - at a given time, and who or whoms may be getting impregnated by it, that's the real concern here. Do you have to get dog drunk to see the pattern? You want to put yourself and your offspring (perhaps future offspring), at the whims of the guy who divorced you to marry and birth a baby with another woman he's now leaving? How ya gonna feel when he's writing out the child support payments (perhaps alimony payments), to second squeeze when he comes back to you? And have you considered where else he's been? Yeah, I read your post alright. I know more about your post than you do, simply by applying some basic common sense. The writing is on the wall. If I were u, I would not get a smart mouth with highly intelligent people that are trying to help you at NO CHARGE. You know, there are some other things I could be doing. Good Luck. An apology would be appreciated. Yas Edited March 28, 2014 by Yasuandio 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 The most pertinent question, which everyone seems to be overlooking, is why did the two of you get divorced in the first place? How long was the relationship and what was the quality of your marriage whilst it lasted? Sounds like a big risk you're about to take but it seems like you are contemplating doing it as safely as possible. @Yas: I agree that one shouldn't have to get a dog drunk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmptyinNV Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 If anyone is still following this thread, I took a quick weekend trip out to Las Vegas and realized it's too soon for us to attempt to reconcile anything. I met with his counselor and we talked about a lot of things, I'm challenging him to one year on his own without a woman in his life. We also work with a counselor via skype and telephone twice a week Thank you again for all of the HELPFUL advice Link to post Share on other sites
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