Moving Away

[EmptyinNV]

I know this question isn't an easy one to answer, and it'll be even harder to explain to my mom.

 

My ex husband and I have been divorced since 2012, he's now divorced and we have been communicating more so than about our son. We've talked about me moving back to where he lives and attending counseling together and working on our relationship and possibly reconciling.

 

My mother welcomed my son and I back into my family home since I literally had nothing, no job, no degree, no plan a little over a year ago. Since then I have built my life up, I am back to school (I'd be transferring) I have a great job (I'd also be transferring). She's a very head strong person and if you disagree with her opinion,good luck. We often buttheads over political issues, religious issues etc and she always attempts to assert dominance. So I know she will not take the news of my relocation well, she'll likely remind me of all the terrible things surrounding my divorce (as if I don't remember) and once in passing has mentioned attempting to take custody of my 5 yr old if I went back to my ex husband (who is my son's father.... )

 

I plan on telling my sister first, she will be understanding and supportive. I understand the confusion they will feel, the frustration and anger. I should add, I'm 26, I have a 5 yr old son and my family has been kind enough to let us live here with very little rent.

[preraph]

If you move back there, you will likely never be able to move more than so many mile away from him again, and this very likely could be his ploy to trick you into moving there, so he doesn't have to come to where you are to see his kid. You shouldn't do anything without consulting an attorney on this or it could ruin your life.

[EmptyinNV]

That isn't true, but thank you for the suggestion. We're not getting remarried so our decree is still valid and it clearly states I have sole physical custody, I can move where ever I want without his permission. I may consult with an attorney just for some piece of mind.

[preraph]

It varies state to state. So someone reapplies another state, it could change. Just do consult an attorney before making big changes.

[EmptyinNV]

Well, I'd be moving back to the state we got divorced in. Thank you for the advice though!

[mrs rubble]

I have no idea why you divorced in the first place. Reconciliation doesn't often work. I guess it depends on the issues that bought it about.

 

You obviously married young and had your son young, it probably broke your mom's heart to see her daughter go through a divorce and have no job or degree. She's probably really proud of how you've turned things around for yourself and it's only natural she'll want to protect you. I'm sure you'd be hesitant at the very least in allowing your own son into an environment where he's been hurt before? She will have the same lioness attitude towards you.

 

Have you had any counselling? If not talk it through with one. Talk to your sister, talk to your mother. Stop talking to the ex so much!!!

Think long and hard about this.

[down hearted]

you just want anyone here to say yes, go, get him, run after him reconcile to confirm your emotions to make the move you obviously want and will make regardless of what anyone says here you want to hear what you want to hear and that is to go back to be near him. You are going to do what you will do, you are taking huge risks here, if he really wants to patch things up and such why doesn't he move near you, why do you have to go out of your way, drop everything you have worked so hard on (transferring is still starting over and is not that easy getting re-settled) for a man who not only cheated on you but got someone pregnant while doing so as if that was not enough who eventually divorced you to marry that woman? He isn't dropping his things to go near you, he is comfortable waiting for you to go to him, he does not have to stress because he is not sacrificing anything, you will be the one to be screwed, you should keep your eyes open and not make the same mistakes twice, if you have grown from the experience you should be able to see through him and you still don't. A year is nothing, you need more time to keep your thoughts together don't fall for his sweet talk, remember he has another child with another women, which he can always just go back to when he gets bored and tired of you.

 

Hon, you are old enough to realize by now mistakes on your own, and you know this is a mistake but you will do what you want to do because you have already planned everything out.

 

Good luck i hope you make the right choice.

[EmptyinNV]

I really apperciate all the advice! To clear up some issues, we divorced, he met her, married, got pregnant and she left him. I'm well aware that I also have to accept that he has a child with this woman. I will never be put in the position he put me in ever again and that is a fact. I haven't dropped everything to go out there because of my education, I won't go until I have an acceptance letter to a school out there. He can't move here due to his career, or else he would since this is where he is from.

 

Thanks again for all the advice, it's just going to be such a difficult conversation to have with her, she won't understand my reasons.

 

I do have my back up plan, I still have many friends and I already have 2 single girlfriends of mine lined up with to rent a room with them until I finish a semester and I move out back to my home state where we have been living since my divorce.

 

I dunno, I'm still on fence about it. We will see, I'm doing a lot of inner searching.

[d0nnivain]

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate. I also believe in planning because if you plan you might not need the contingency but if don't plan you will be stuck. You don't necessarily have to post the answers to these Qs on here but you darn well ought to know the answers before you make any decisions, or talk to your mom.

 

 

You seem set on doing this (even though it doesn't seem very logical from where I sit not knowing you or the back story). Why are you going backwards? Is everything that caused your divorce fixed? If not you are going back into the exact same mess. Why?

 

 

Let's say you go out there. How much will it cost to move & where will you get that money?

 

 

What happens if you can't transfer schools / credits? Which school has the better reputation? Which school is cheaper per credit?

 

 

What happens if you can't transfer job? Do you have descent prospects?

 

 

How will you pay your rent & living expenses in the new state?

 

 

What will you do for child care & support while you & your husband are at work & you are in school? I'm assuming your mother & sister help while you are at mom's house.

 

 

Do you really think you are going to be able to handle his 2nd kid? Does your son know about his step-sibling? If your EX has joint custody of the other child at various points you will be the responsible adult charged with that kids' safety & welfare at least temporarily. This is more for him then you, but what does that baby mamma think about you & will she cause a fuss if you interact with her child?

 

 

Finally & most importantly, what happens if you get out there & it doesn't work? Do you want to live out there without your family support?

 

 

Will your decision to move back cause your mom to do something awful like cut all contact with you & her grandchild forever? I hope not.

[EmptyinNV]

Just to update, I decided against going back out there for the long term. I decided to give him a few weeks to "prove" his words to me, sure enough his actions just proved to me his words where empty.

 

However, this was an excellent experience for me to see just how over it I am. It sounded good at first of course, but the more and more I thought the worse and worse it seemed.