Cliche ... "love you, but not in love" with a twist ...

[neverwilllearn]

Thank You Mary and Clynn...

 

Sounds like 2 people so wise beyond whatever years you have or you've been there done that before. Womens Intuition, yes, is everything and speaks megaphones of truth smack in the face. I wish women all over would learn that. I did today, finally.

 

In Oct. he was talking about marriage with me. It was pretty intense but there was no intimacy because I was oncerned about a 'friend' he had mentioned and I was concerned about not doing the wrong thing, plain and simple my code of ethics.. I didn't want to be his tour girl. In Dec over our break, he talked the same, but I didn't get a all over Christmas or New Years day (day before our flight to return). In January, after 8 months of knowing him, intimacy became reality. But during that time I don't recall him using the sweet words like before.. but all his other boyfriend etiquete was in place. Thats when intuition starting kicking in a bit.

 

We went to dinner Valentines eve with friends who were talking about getting flowers for some friends when 'my guy' quipped 'ok now, don't think you're getting flowere ... but chocolates maybe"

 

Today he picks up my daughter to take to lunch and to the theater and gave me the key to his room so I could get his laundry. ( My valentine favor to him -and or me- was to find a laundry here in Seoul and do it today). But today after they left, I discovered that he had sent a boquet of flowers to the friend he said he broke up with and he sent "love and kisses" etc, etc. .. I didn't even get the chocolates ( although I got taken out to lunch ) but I haven't gotten the 'love and kisses" words for a month.

 

Devastated is a mild word I feel at this moment. I did the laundry, brought it back to his room, came back to my room and I think I passed out for 4 hours from grief. My standards were so so high and I told him I didn't want to get involved because I didn't know the reality of his situation. But he assurred me he was telling me the truth. I am embarrased from shame, humiliation and the devastation that I feel from him lying to me and using me. Maybe it is my fault for not believing his actions and not his "non-loving word" clues. Every other signal gave me the impression that he wanted me with him. He would take me out and treat me to outrageously wonderful restaurants. He HAD to have be by his side at exclusive parties with other members of the staff and crew.

 

I know we talked about how with our distance and his and my daughters that a future would be impossible but I didn't know that in reality there was a girlfriend too. He held me the other night for hours like he didn't want to let me go. It all breaks my heart. What can't be, how it was, how it is now, but biggest is the lie to get me where I am now in the first place. I have succumed to being the very TOUR GIRL that he knew I never wanted to become. He is having his cake and eating it too.

 

I have 3 hours to get myself together here and muster all the DIGNITY I can to appear to be cool. I will not say to him or anyone how I learned the reality of the other Girl. I don't think there is any point. She exists and that is that. Now I have to deal withhis presance for the 2 1/2 month remainder of the tour. I am not a mean person and don't want any confrontations. The only thing I can think of right now is to start the No Contact rule asap.

 

But what else? He calls me every night and morning to ask me how I am. To plan our day. Thursday we were going out to shop for clothes for him and he wanted me to go. Do I not pick up the phone? I don't want to have any *ithcy tone in my character or voice.

 

In a few days we have a 10 day break. I am getting a rail pass for my daughter and I and we are planning a 6 day trip to the southern part of the Country. Do I stay mum on my plans and just take off?? That truly would be NC. Help me out please. What I wanted was to love the person who has been loving me but the dynamics have changed with ommission of his reality. At the end of the 2 1/2 months I want to be able to hold my head up high, have dignity, class and self respect and I want Him to have that for me too. I want to go out with dignity and pride.

 

Please help me acheive that goal, please.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The only thing I can think of right now is to start the No Contact rule asap.

 

When you start NC, you tell the other person what you are doing and why, as in "it is too painful for me to continue on with this relationship under these conditions. I love you, but my heart can't handle this. I need some time to myself to sort out my feelings and put my heart back together. I ask that you do not contact me so that it will be easier for me to get my emotions under control. Please do not contact me in any way, shape or form."

 

Remember: No Contact isn't a punishment or a trick to get someone to come back. Its a coping method meant to help you get some unbiased, uninterrupted time to sort out your feelings and emotions. You should never initiate No Contact unless you are prepared for the outcome. You will get your head and heart together, but the other person will too: and sometimes that means moving on from one another rather than moving back toward each other.

 

Some people break No Contact, because they simply can't stand to be away from the person they are initiating it with. The fear of losing them outweighs their own needs, and they put them aside to continue staying in hurtful situations - mainly because they are under some impression that the other person "needs" them. The other person might "need" them, but it is rarely in a way they want to be needed.

 

But, for some people - something is better than nothing, and they just keep holding on to some blind hope that one day things will just "change". What people don't realize though, is if you are in a relationship under someone else's terms and it works for them - they have no motivation whatsoever to change. As long as you are sticking around, being there for them, or whatever - you are giving an unspoken consent to continue the relationship under their terms. Otherwise, you wouldn't be there.

 

So, you have to make a choice: stay under someone else's painful terms and take what little you can get - or you initiate a SOLID 'no contact' so that you can begin working your heart out of a situation that deep down, you know will never really be what you want. You just have to decide what is more important to you: your happiness, at no one's expense - or your partner's happiness at your expense.

[Mary3]

This life is about YOU now.

 

Do NOT allow this man to hurt your heart any further.

 

Because he * is * and only YOU can undo this bond.

 

End it now and be ever thankful that you are on a site that people TRULY CARE about your outcome.

 

We find relationships and they end for some reason or another.... Sometimes we need to help that along.... You are doing yourself NO favor by continuing this painful journey.

 

It should go something like this " I have decided for reasons { you may add them here if you like } that I am no longer going to be contacting you, calling you. texting you, doing your laundry, accepting terms of this relationship under YOUR terms, Because they are now under my terms and I have decided to take a break from all of this because it hurts too much. Good luck with everything "

 

Do not be afraid of hurting this person. This is not bringing you happiness and now you need to end it because as I have stated previously to posters " There is someone out there that DOES give us what we deserve and Never settle for anything Less "