someonespecial Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 We have been separated for three months. We were married 16 years. The first 6 years of our marriage he was physically abusive. I left and he said he changed. I took him back and the physical abuse did stop but for the remaining 10 years of marriage he was emotionally abusive and controlling. He wants me to give him a chance to prove he has changed (after three months of separate). I am so afraid to do that. I agreed to a date on Saturday but I am not sure if I want him back and I dont believe in my heart he has changed in that amount of time. I dont think that is possible to change a 16 year habit in a short period of time. He says he stopped abusing me the first time we separated and that that is what it takes to get him to understand I mean business and that he has really changed now and will not be emotionally abusive and controlling. He thinks that if I dont go out with him he wont be able to prove he has changed. I kind of agree but am not so sure that going out is the best idea as he may just be on "his best behavior" during our date. I dont plan on taking him back right away but just want to know, can someone really change in a short period of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I think you shouldn't take him back, period. I wouldn't give him any more chances. He has had enough chances to hurt you. Did he ever really change? Nope. Abuse is abuse. He moved from one form (very bad) to a more emotional form of abuse. He is scum for a abusing you in the first place! After so long, he will not change. This is a ploy to get you back. He lost power over you, when you left. You are going to give him back that power, step by step, if you continue down this road. He does not deserve you. He has had 16 years to get it right, and failed. He will not change....I hope for your sake, that you remain courageous, and avoid him, this date, and more. He is not a man....any man who abuses his wife is less than a man. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I agree with the previous poster. I also want to add that I know how hard it was to break free from such a man and that it probably took all the strenght you have. You probably need a long time, if ever, to find that sort of strength again should you go back now. Use your energy to focus on yourself and the things you want in life. Tell him no and keep telling him no, no matter how hard he makes it for you. Such a man will eventually divert his attention to someone else he can possess and control. Come here if times are hard or talk to your friends. Do anything you need to do to stay on course. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 We have been separated for three months. We were married 16 years. The first 6 years of our marriage he was physically abusive. I left and he said he changed. I took him back and the physical abuse did stop but for the remaining 10 years of marriage he was emotionally abusive and controlling. He wants me to give him a chance to prove he has changed (after three months of separate). I am so afraid to do that. I agreed to a date on Saturday but I am not sure if I want him back and I dont believe in my heart he has changed in that amount of time. I dont think that is possible to change a 16 year habit in a short period of time. He says he stopped abusing me the first time we separated and that that is what it takes to get him to understand I mean business and that he has really changed now and will not be emotionally abusive and controlling. He thinks that if I dont go out with him he wont be able to prove he has changed. I kind of agree but am not so sure that going out is the best idea as he may just be on "his best behavior" during our date. I dont plan on taking him back right away but just want to know, can someone really change in a short period of time. What has he done to change? Saying I've changed or I can change is one thing, getting help and doing counseling/anger management is another. Is he in counseling? Has his attitude changed? is he treating you better? He has to prove to you that he is changing his ways by doing therapy and working on himself, making huge efforts and not giving in to past ways/behaviour. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author someonespecial Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 He has only been to two classes of anger management. He was physically abusive years ago by punching, kicking, pulling hair, chocking, throwing me outside naked, etc. (this was the first 6 years of our marriage) He is emotionally abusive and controlling because he tells me what I can and cant wear, where I can and cant go, gives me time limits when I am out, calls me names such as, b*tch, sl*t, f*ckng stupid, etc. I am not allowed to have friends and if I am late, I am a cheater and a liar if I try to tell him why I am late. If I dont answer my phone when I am out it starts a huge argument. (this is the remaining 10 years of our marriage) Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 A guy like that is not worth a second chance dear. He is worth the noose around his neck, sure, but not this second/third chance. Do not go on a date with him. Be a big, big, mistake. I urge you to resist. He lies. He only went to two days of anger management, he isn't trying -- nor will he. He did some real bad **** to you...go, stay away from him, for your sake, please. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 He has only been to two classes of anger management. He was physically abusive years ago by punching, kicking, pulling hair, chocking, throwing me outside naked, etc. (this was the first 6 years of our marriage) He is emotionally abusive and controlling because he tells me what I can and cant wear, where I can and cant go, gives me time limits when I am out, calls me names such as, b*tch, sl*t, f*ckng stupid, etc. I am not allowed to have friends and if I am late, I am a cheater and a liar if I try to tell him why I am late. If I dont answer my phone when I am out it starts a huge argument. (this is the remaining 10 years of our marriage) Question is, do you want to give him another chance? Reading all that you've been through (I'm so sorry, nobody should have to suffer like that!) it makes my heart hurt for you and I really hope that you heal well and do divorce him, even if you love him. People like that don't change completely into a new person. He'll always have control issues even if he works on himself. It sounds like you lived a living hell in your marriage. I hope you're doing some counseling too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Please OP, don't go back. They don't change. They can struggle to manage their symptoms but they never truly change. You remind me of my mother. 50 years of marriage and regrets losing all those years hoping and waiting for change. Why would you even consider this? Why would you contemplate revisiting someone that treated you this way? And don't say it's because of love. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) OP, you've already wasted 16 years of your life with this guy. Enough already. Your life is too short to let someone treat you like this. And I do hope there are no children in the marriage. Edited April 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 No, someone can not just change on a whim because they decide to. Is it possible he realizes his behavior was terrible and that he wants to change it? SURE. But in order to learn to do something different, he has to learn something different to do. What is he going to do when he disagrees with you? When he thinks you are making a mistake? When he gets angry? The only way he's going to change is by going to intensive therapy. If he is truly willing to do ANYTHING to win you back, he should be willing to do that. Tell him to go to therapy with the goal of bringing you in with him when the therapist decides he is ready to talk about reconciliation. Then IF he gets to that point, you can go, and be honest about all your feelings. THEN you can decide whether to give him another chance or not. All going out with him now will do is suck you back into the relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 He thinks that if I dont go out with him he wont be able to prove he has changed. I kind of agree but am not so sure that going out is the best idea as he may just be on "his best behavior" during our date. I dont plan on taking him back right away but just want to know, can someone really change in a short period of time. Just so this whole thread doesn't go off the rails, to answer your question, no, it is definitely not enough time. And although your husband "thinks" he's changed before for you, he actually hasn't. He only traded one type of abuse for another. So right now he's telling you what you want to hear. He might even believe that he is either changed or capable of change, but it is not happened yet. Not by a long shot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 OP, please do not ever put yourself back into the power of your abuser. My wife volunteers for a domestic abuse shelter and she says that it is very rare that women get out of these situations...you did so don't put yourself back in it. Your abuser can't find another woman to let him control her like you did so he wants you back...that is the sad truth of the matter, you are vulnerable enough and have such low self esteem that he is drawn to you because he knows how pliant his fear and domineering nature can make you when he mixes it with pretend kindness and charm. Domestic abusers do not change. They might be able to hide it for a while to get their victims to return but they don't change. If you haven't done so get some therapy for your abuse. If you are even considering this it means you are still in victim mentality to an extent. I don't say this to hurt you or make you feel bad but to remind you that abusers only prey on weakness and he is an abuser. Please get help soon and don't return to that hell, Grumps 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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