momx4 Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 In case any of you don't know, I met my current bf on POF. We have been together almost 3 months. I deleted my account the day we became exclusive. He kept his but never logged in since the day I gave him my number. I know I am wrong by doing this, but I created a fake profile with no pics to see if he ever logged in again. About a month ago he did log in. I figured he was just seeing if I had been on since I never told him I deleted my account. Then, he never went back on. A month has passed & as we were texting last night I saw that he was on at that time. I'm not over reacting about it & it isn't making me freak out, but why does he do this every month or so? I can't ask him because I only have the fake profile up. I don't talk with anyone on there. I really like him & trust him. I've heard that guys just check their accounts sometimes. Is this something I should worry about? Or just let it go until he gives me a reason not to trust him? I know you all are gonna tell me how wrong it is to have a fake profile up to check up on him. I just wanna know if this is normal for a guy to check there account once in a while. Or if I have something to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hmm... He could have just gone on out of curiosity but it still is a little weird. I would make this a minor red flag. I would lay low and keep checking to see if he logs in. If he keeps repeatedly doing it I'd be more worried. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetnothing Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 The same thing happened to me but I had been seeing the guy for a really long time. I did the same thing as you and made a blank profile to find out. The fact that you had to make a profile "just to see" if he logged on means something is telling you not to trust him. So you've confirmed your suspicions now what? If the relationship is going well maybe you should just trust him. Why bring something up that will reveal your lack of trust? On the other hand, maybe you have a valid reason NOT to trust him. All I can say here is to go with your intuition. By addressing the issue he might get offended and wonder why you don't trust him or he'll get extremely defensive and shut down. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 No such thing as a "minor" RED flag. When I commit to someone, I stop going online. That simple. Being exclusive means NO MORE searching online. He's not just checking I'll wager. He's also doing some searching.... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 In case any of you don't know, I met my current bf on POF. We have been together almost 3 months. I deleted my account the day we became exclusive. He kept his but never logged in since the day I gave him my number. I know I am wrong by doing this, but I created a fake profile with no pics to see if he ever logged in again. About a month ago he did log in. I figured he was just seeing if I had been on since I never told him I deleted my account. Then, he never went back on. A month has passed & as we were texting last night I saw that he was on at that time. I'm not over reacting about it & it isn't making me freak out, but why does he do this every month or so? I can't ask him because I only have the fake profile up. I don't talk with anyone on there. I really like him & trust him. I've heard that guys just check their accounts sometimes. Is this something I should worry about? Or just let it go until he gives me a reason not to trust him? I know you all are gonna tell me how wrong it is to have a fake profile up to check up on him. I just wanna know if this is normal for a guy to check there account once in a while. Or if I have something to worry about. You can ask but just be smart about it. You never told him you deleted yours? So casually tell him when your on the subject and see his reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author momx4 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 You can ask but just be smart about it. You never told him you deleted yours? So casually tell him when your on the subject and see his reaction. I'm sure he saw I deleted my account since we messaged a lot on there before I closed it. But since I never told him, can I just ask him if he's been on there lately & then tell him I deleted mine? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Shortly after meeting the man who is now my husband I made a fake profile to check out his profile on a dating site. I had never been a member. A few weeks later I asked if he was still on the site. He said he took his profile down. I checked. It was gone. I deleted my fake profile & never looked back. If you two never talked about profiles coming down, do so, specifically. I would have thought that was encompassed in "exclusive" but what do I know ? If you get another assurance that it's gone, check. If it's still there, walk away from the liar. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Exactly one of the reasons I hate OLDing. People have the grass is greener mentality. Best believe if a hot girl starts chatting him up he WILL repond! Very shady behavior MAJOR RED FLAG! At the very least he's seeing what else is out there. Sounds like you two don't communicate well. If your exclusive I think it should have been made clear that you both remove your profiles but seems you're kinda unsure of things. So much so you had to check up on him. Me personally, I'd have a conversation about it because I just don't allow men to play me for a fool. But you may not be comfortable with how he would react of course he's gonna deny deny deny. The best way to get the truth although wrong/sneaky. Is to add a pic of a hot girl to your profile and chat him up see if he mentions he has a girl. Hey it's sneaky but a girl needs to protect herself sometimes. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Maybe someone sent him a message, he logged on to read it, and sent a reply "sorry I have a gf now". That's the trouble with this kind of stalking. You don't know anything except that he logged on. But you're choosing to assume the worst..... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Concerning making a fake profile and checking up on him that is you looking out for yourself ! and you did good. Like a previous poster said you ended up doing this because your instinct is telling you something is off and goodness we don't do enough of that! I think him being online needs to be added to the rest of your concerns about this man. If you 2 are exclusive he has no business online. So yes, mention to him in a conversation By the way I have deleted my POF account a while ago.......and listen to what he has to say. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 "Concerning making a fake profile and checking up on him that is you looking out for yourself ! and you did good. " Very true! How many countless stories have we heard of married women who just trusted their husbands never checked their phone or texts and come to find out he's been cheating for YEARS! Texting the other woman right in front of his wife while she was so trusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Maybe someone sent him a message, he logged on to read it, and sent a reply "sorry I have a gf now". If he has a gf then why keep the profile up at all? If it doesn't work with her takes 3 minutes to create a POF profile. No reason to keep it up once you meet someone and become exclusive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 The best way to get the truth although wrong/sneaky. Is to add a pic of a hot girl to your profile and chat him up see if he mentions he has a girl. Hey it's sneaky but a girl needs to protect herself sometimes. I agree with you though I don't think her doing this would be wrong or sneaky. He's the one logging on to the account so I think him doing that shady behavior gives her all the justification in the world to find out why. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 If he has a gf then why keep the profile up at all? If it doesn't work with her takes 3 minutes to create a POF profile. It certainly didn't take me 3 minutes to make mine. If you want to make a *good* POF profile, and are a guy, then it takes quite a bit of work. It's different for women, who tend to get a lot of messages. Totally makes sense to take it down or hide it. But for guys... most are lucky to get 1 incoming message a month. Taking it down is really no different than ignoring it. I've never taken mine down in the past, just ignore it until it's needed again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mo_Do Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 The red flag isn't that he logged in - the red flag is that you've been together 3 months and he still has an active POF profile. Tell the guy to take it down or hit the road. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Hold on.......Why the hell are you exclusive with this guy and not discussing something as freaking simple as whether or not you've shut down your dating profile? That should have been step 0.5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 It certainly didn't take me 3 minutes to make mine. If you want to make a *good* POF profile, and are a guy, then it takes quite a bit of work. It's different for women, who tend to get a lot of messages. Totally makes sense to take it down or hide it. But for guys... most are lucky to get 1 incoming message a month. Taking it down is really no different than ignoring it. I've never taken mine down in the past, just ignore it until it's needed again. If he spent hours coming up with his profile text then he just needs to copy and past and save it in his documents for one day if he needs it again. Also, now that you mention it, POF has a hide option, so this guy has no excuses. A man has got to make a choice at some point. Does he want to appear serious with his girlfriend? or it's more important to save a dumb profile. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I'm sure he saw I deleted my account since we messaged a lot on there before I closed it. But since I never told him, can I just ask him if he's been on there lately & then tell him I deleted mine? Doesn't matter if he saw it deleted. As far as you "know" he doesn't know that. So mention it. Talk about how you guys met and mention you're happy to have deleted your account since you don't need it anymore. If he doesn't say anything, ask if he's deleted his. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I've never taken mine down in the past, just ignore it until it's needed again. Forgot to add. When the last man I seriously dated asked to be exclusive with me I said yes, and then I said I will delete my profile next time I go on the pc. He said he's just gonna let his die and won't log in again. I said no, being exclusive with me means you delete it. He said ok and he did. OP, you teach men how to respect you by expressing what you expect your relationship to be. More clear you are with a man *to be with me exclusively you need to ABC* more respect he will have for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author momx4 Posted March 27, 2014 Author Share Posted March 27, 2014 Wow, I expected to get a lot of people telling me how wrong I am for making a fake profile! lol I thought becoming exclusive meant taking our profiles down, too. I guess I shouldn't just assume things. And we did have "the talk" about not seeing other people & we agreed that we can tell people we are bf/gf. So, we are gonna be together all day this Saturday looking for me a new car. Then, hanging out Saturday night. I will find a way to bring this up along with the other things in my previous posts. Ugh...maybe I shouldn't bombard him with everything at once? Should I say something like "Have you been on your online profile at all lately? I deleted mine when we decided we didn't wanna see other people". Ugh..I'm so bad at this stuff. I'm an open book when you wanna talk about anything except what's bothering me. I actually thought about saying that he popped up on a friend of mine matches on pof. Or is that a bad idea? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I would not ask him directly if he's been online. I would tell him by the way I deleted my profile a while ago, about you? Asking him if he's been online is a question typically asked by women who've checked if their man online lol. If he's honest he will say no he has not deleted it. Then ask him why....and listen to his BS excuses (sowwy). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Maybe someone sent him a message, he logged on to read it, and sent a reply "sorry I have a gf now". That's the trouble with this kind of stalking. You don't know anything except that he logged on. But you're choosing to assume the worst..... When dating OLD, you should assume the worst. It's absolutely naive and dangerous to think or permit the idea that it's okay to have an ACTIVE online profile running while you are in an exclusive relationship. He shouldn't be in a position to receive any messages. There are CLEAR, EASY ways to make himself unavailable. This clearly indicates a lack of judgment and sensitivity to the nature of dating/relationships. I cannot emphasize enough the importance in distinction between simply dating and being in an exclusive relationship...the latter demands that all exterior distractions and/or temptations be avoided, eliminated. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Also, now that you mention it, POF has a hide option, so this guy has no excuses. That option is only available to paid users now. Forgot to add. When the last man I seriously dated asked to be exclusive with me I said yes, and then I said I will delete my profile next time I go on the pc. He said he's just gonna let his die and won't log in again. I said no, being exclusive with me means you delete it. He said ok and he did. Well that's fine! If someone I was exclusive with asked me to take mine down then I would. But like your guy, I'm happy to let it sit there idle when I don't need it. Being a guy it's not like I'm getting 10 messages a day asking for hookups, like most women get. the latter demands that all exterior distractions and/or temptations be avoided, eliminated. What? So you have to walk around town with your eyes closed in case a hot girl goes by? That's silly. You can't eliminate distractions/temptations, they are everywhere. You just need to deal with them properly: ie. don't act on them. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 What? So you have to walk around town with your eyes closed in case a hot girl goes by? That's silly. You can't eliminate distractions/temptations, they are everywhere. You just need to deal with them properly: ie. don't act on them. Hmmm, let me be clearer here. I'm not talking about walking around town as does this thread is not. BTW, when I see an attractive woman on the street, I don't think of her as a "temptation." You do? Checking your profile is an affirmative, intentional act. You are making an effort to find out more about the person contacting you, messaging you. Difference. If you are in an exclusive relationship, do you approach every attractive you encounter in town curious to know what she may have to say? Do you look back when she looks at you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 If you are in an exclusive relationship, do you approach every attractive you encounter in town curious to know what she may have to say? No but if someone comes up to me and says hello, I don't turn away and blank them. I say hello back... whether they are male or female, attractive or not. I probably won't get into a conversation especially if they're a stranger (that's just weird) but I wouldn't completely ignore someone who made an effort to communicate with me. For all I know they might be returning my wallet that I hadn't noticed I dropped! Similarly maybe he was logging onto POF to say "thanks but no thanks" to someone who had messaged him? No way to know except by asking him. Or installing a keylogger, stealing his password and checking received/sent messages........... not sure I'd recommend that route, though. Link to post Share on other sites
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