Young single women, who want to date, don't exist

[pickflicker]

Interests/hobbies and passions are two completely different things. You appear to be using the terms interchangeably at first and then started to focus on passion.

 

Yes I'm interested in video games, anime, surfing, guitar, technology, animal rights, salsa and ballroom dancing etc.

 

I'm not passionate about any of them.

 

Then you need to be. You need to do more of it.

 

Are you passionate about anything?

 

Animal right! Go join a group. Start a group. Start cooking vegetarian. Immerse yourself in an interest.

[Anela]

You could volunteer at an animal shelter.

[Keenly]

SD, what happened to the guitar playing? Just curious.

 

Please don't tell me you gave up on this.

If I can be good at it, surely you can too. It just takes the actual effort.

[somedude81]

SD, what happened to the guitar playing? Just curious.

That's a good question.

 

A while ago my depression hit me really hard and I didn't have the patience or motivation to put in the time to learn. I've been meaning to get back into it.

Then you need to be. You need to do more of it.

 

Are you passionate about anything?

 

Animal right! Go join a group. Start a group. Start cooking vegetarian. Immerse yourself in an interest.

No I'm not passionate about anything. Yes I know it's a problem. It's just a consequence of my depression. Each day I'm just getting by.

 

I hope it's clear how unhappy I really am since she dumped me.

[pickflicker]

Please don't tell me you gave up on this.

If I can be good at it, surely you can too. It just takes the actual effort.

 

Indeed. I am woefully uncoordinated, and hopelessly clumsy. Even I can do it!

[pickflicker]

That's a good question.

 

A while ago my depression hit me really hard and I didn't have the patience or motivation to put in the time to learn. I've been meaning to get back into it.

 

No I'm not passionate about anything. Yes I know it's a problem. It's just a consequence of my depression. Each day I'm just getting by.

 

I hope it's clear how unhappy I really am since she dumped me.

 

See what I mean by the selfishness? You're so hard up for a girl that you're willing to inflict your absolute worst on them. And yes, a true partnership is about experiencing that other person at their best, and their worst. But right now, you don't give a crap how she feels, only how you feel.

 

Explain to me how that is an awesome dating prospect. Young or old, ugly or pretty, no woman wants a man who is just using her to overcome his own inadequacies.

 

And if you think women can't tell, you are kidding yourself.

[somedude81]

Yes, I agree with you!

 

SD, you mentioned cooking. A lot of women love it when a man can cook. Try taking a class - just to learn to cook, not to pick up a twenty-one-year-old.

I will look into a cooking class. And it's not a way to meet women, but as a method to better my life.

 

BTW, I tired to reply to your message but your box was full.

[somedude81]

See what I mean by the selfishness? You're so hard up for a girl that you're willing to inflict your absolute worst on them. And yes, a true partnership is about experiencing that other person at their best, and their worst. But right now, you don't give a crap how she feels, only how you feel.

 

Explain to me how that is an awesome dating prospect. Young or old, ugly or pretty, no woman wants a man who is just using her to overcome his own inadequacies.

 

And if you think women can't tell, you are kidding yourself.

Pickflicker, how do you expect me to reply to posts like that?

 

You keep shifting from being helpful, to writing messages like that just make me want to tell you to F-off.

[pickflicker]

Pickflicker, how do you expect me to reply to posts like that?

 

You keep shifting from being helpful, to writing messages like that just make me want to tell you to F-off.

 

You keep posting the same problem, and getting the same answers, and then you reject those answers.

 

Any advice I have given you, you have rejected. Focus on passing calculus first, clear the obstacle, then focus on the next. There is no way that you can hope to meet women and have a functioning, healthy relationship, when you view them as a commodity to only serve your own inadequacy.

 

You're trying to complete the impossible. Unless you have a ton of money and a superficial dolly-bird, you can't accomplish what you're trying to accomplish.

[organizedchaos]

Pickflicker, how do you expect me to reply to posts like that?

 

You keep shifting from being helpful, to writing messages like that just make me want to tell you to F-off.

 

Now you know how we feel after 14 pages of advice, let alone the countless other threads, where we've all told you the same thing and you refuse to listen.

[topaMAXX]

This is absurd

 

No it's not. 100% true. This is for the 30+ women.

[InnocentMan]

I find comparing obese women with poor quality women and making them sound the same "low" choice very insulting and in fact I find it coming from a poor quality person.

 

In the dating world, an obese person of either gender is regarded as a low quality choice, and last resort. My quality as a person doesn't change that.

[KungFuJoe]

Now you know how we feel after 14 pages of advice, let alone the countless other threads, where we've all told you the same thing and you refuse to listen.

 

Well ****ing said.

[ASG]

That's a good question.

 

A while ago my depression hit me really hard and I didn't have the patience or motivation to put in the time to learn. I've been meaning to get back into it.

 

No I'm not passionate about anything. Yes I know it's a problem. It's just a consequence of my depression. Each day I'm just getting by.

 

I hope it's clear how unhappy I really am since she dumped me.

 

SD, what are you doing about your depression? Are you getting help? Seeing someone? Taking any meds?

 

I'm going to be very honest here and tell you that it is very unlikely a girl will take you as a partner when your demeanor is like this. And trust me, they can smell it a mile away.

 

Also, if you can't be passionate about anything, how can you expect anyone to believe you'll be passionate about them? I know what you're going to say, that getting a GF is your number one priority in life, as as such you're passionate about it... but that's not how it's gonna come across.

it's gonna come across as needy and maybe even a bit creepy. Most girls don't want a needy guy. They want someone with a life outside of the relationship.

 

And you keep mentioning video games and dismissing them as a way to meet girls... er... seriously? Most of my girl friends are gamers. I bet there are gamer girls out there in your area as well!

[somedude81]

I'm an introvert (I suspect you are, too).

Yes, I am very introverted. I have always had been. I've never had the desire to go out and meet people.

You may have a different idea of "friends" than I have.

 

I don't have, and never have had, a group of people that I go out socializing with. I have a few close friends that I can count on for big stuff: moving, watching my kids in a pinch, having a good cry when things are hard, etc.

To me friends are people I spend time with outside of the activity or place where I met them at.

 

If I only talk to and hang out with a person in a club on campus, they are just an activity buddy. I've had lots of class and activity buddies on campus (of both genders), but only four or so people that I actually spent time with off-campus. All of them were girls.

 

It's just been easier for me to invite girls to spend time with me one-on-one off-campus than it has been with guys. Nobody has ever invited me to spend time with them or do some activity.

Other than that, my social circle are people that I am friendly with at work, in the neighborhood, at my kids' schools, etc. We add value to each other's lives because we ask about each other's day, share a laugh, share sympathy and support if the test was unbelievably hard, or if the boss is a jerk, etc. If they mentioned something about a dr appt, I'll ask how it went. If they are on a sport team (or their kid is), I'll ask how the season is going. Basically, we are friendly. And in the course of that, if they mention a car problem, and I know a great mechanic, I'll share that number. Or if I need a tutor, maybe they know one. Stuff like that. Add value to each other's lives. Make their day brighter, and life a little easier for each other.

Do you ever see those people outside of the places you know them from? Like spend time with your coworkers outside of the office?

You can be friendly like that with a girl who has a boyfriend. Just have boundaries. Don't make her your best friend suddenly. She's just someone you are friendly with at school. That's all. If she mentions that she and some people are going to an event at the school, think about going to that event. Say "hi" to her. She'll introduce you to her friends!

I'd definitely go to any event people mention or specifically invite me to. Though in all the years I've been going to my school, I've only ever heard of one event where people were going to, and I did go to that.

 

I've tried to organize my own events, but people never show up.

 

I wish girls would introduce me to their friends. For some reason it's never happened. There were a couple of girls that I spent a lot of time with off-campus, and I never met any of their friends. A couple of the girls I spent time with new I was single and looking but they never introduced me to anybody. Hell, I never met any of my ex's friends either.

 

So you are saying to be friendly to the girls who have boyfriends, but don't become friends? There's one taken girl that I really like, it sucks to admit but I've already started to think about how to steal her. I know it's the worst thing to do. Is there some way to find out if she has single friends?

[somedude81]

Now you know how we feel after 14 pages of advice, let alone the countless other threads, where we've all told you the same thing and you refuse to listen

 

Well ****ing said.

Both of you guys are welcome to stop posting in this thread.

 

You know you want to.

[topaMAXX]

OP, I disagree with everyone here. I think that you absolutely CAN get girls in your desired age range.

 

You just have to push yourself more and start approaching. You need to go to parties and start developing social circles.

 

Don't lie about your age, but you don't have to be totally upfront either. I've concealed my age for a long time, while hooking up with girls much younger than me. I've begun telling more people now, but many have been my friends for over a year. So they don't really care.

 

It can be done, for sure.

 

Also, you are in college. You will find single attractive girls by going out and approaching. They're everywhere.

[somedude81]

SD, what are you doing about your depression? Are you getting help? Seeing someone? Taking any meds?

I've tired meds and getting therapy and they haven't had any affect on me. And I'm talking about years of threapy, and 5 or so therapists.

 

Right now the closest thing I have to talking about my problems is this forum.

I'm going to be very honest here and tell you that it is very unlikely a girl will take you as a partner when your demeanor is like this. And trust me, they can smell it a mile away.

Before I give my usual stock answer. I'll ask you a question.

 

How can you tell a guy is depressed? Are there any signs that something may be off with him?

 

Also, if you can't be passionate about anything, how can you expect anyone to believe you'll be passionate about them? I know what you're going to say, that getting a GF is your number one priority in life, as as such you're passionate about it

How could I not be passionate about her?

 

... but that's not how it's gonna come across.

it's gonna come across as needy and maybe even a bit creepy. Most girls don't want a needy guy. They want someone with a life outside of the relationship.

Your post is really confusing. Should I be passionate about my GF or not?

 

I know how to avoid coming across as needy or smothering. I have plenty of ways to entertain myself when my girl is away. I'm also able to entertain myself even when a GF is over but needs time to herself.

 

 

And you keep mentioning video games and dismissing them as a way to meet girls... er... seriously? Most of my girl friends are gamers. I bet there are gamer girls out there in your area as well!

I know that they exist. They are just super rare, and more valuable than gold.

 

Why do you think Phoe is so popular on this forum? All the guys ♥ Phoe.

Edited March 29, 2014 by somedude81

[ASG]

I've tired meds and getting therapy and they haven't had any affect on me. And I'm talking about years of threapy, and 5 or so therapists.

 

Right now the closest thing I have to talking about my problems is this forum.

Before I give my usual stock answer. I'll ask you a question.

 

How can you tell a guy is depressed? Are there any signs that something may be off with him?

 

How could I not be passionate about her?

 

Your post is really confusing. Should I be passionate about my GF or not?

 

I know how to avoid coming across as needy or smothering. I have plenty of ways to entertain myself when my girl is away. I'm also able to entertain myself even when a GF is over but needs time to herself.

 

 

I know that they exist. They are just super rare, and more valuable than gold.

 

Why do you think Phoe is so popular on this forum? All the guys ♥ Phoe.

 

You need to address your depression. You need to work on making it manageable. People who are depressed are really hard to deal with on a daily basis and no matter how supportive they might be, it grates and can be a breaking factor.

I don't know if you're familiar with Wil and Anne Wheaton, but she wrote a post about living with Wil before he addressed his depression and it's a very interesting read.

 

Of course you should be passionate about your GF, but the point is, if you're not passionate about anything else, no girl is gonna believe your "passion". It will come across as neediness. And it might creep them out.

 

As for how you can tell... Like I've told you before, the fact that you cannot read these cues off of other people doesn't mean they aren't there and that other people can't. I don't know you personally. But I can guarantee you you give off a vibe that not all is well in the world of SD81. People pick up on that and even if they can't pin point exactly what is not right with you, they'll probably just steer clear.

 

 

And no, they are not rare. I think almost every single one of my female friends is a geek. Quite a few are gamers, others are interested in anime and cosplay, every single one of them is into sci fi and fantasy.

Now, how do I meet these fantastic unicorns, you ask? I go where they hang out and congregate! Because I share those interests.

[Keenly]

The number 1 problem that you need to over come : You care. You care that you are single, you care about the level of attention you get. You care if they like you.

 

 

Step 1 : Stop caring.

 

Step 2 : Let time flow.

 

Step 3 : Keep not caring.

 

 

 

 

 

Sounds stupid? Yeah, it does. Seems to be working for me though.

 

Remember this mantra. "Nothing about my life will change."

 

When you get rejected... "Nothing about my life will change."

 

When you get nervous about talking to a girl, remember... "Nothing about my life will change."

 

Find activities you love to do, and do them. Then keep remembering "Nothing about my life will change."

 

The only person who can cause change in your life is you, barring a plane falling on your house, or something like that.

 

For me, my life literally ONLY consists of work, video games, internet surfing, the occasional 1 on 1 friend hangout, and disc golf. You know what else? I love it. I used to care that I was single, and it would make me sad. I used to long for the touch and the affections of a good woman. Now I don't even care, because I know that if I am still single by the time my age group grows up, They will flock to me, because I know I am a catch.

 

 

Follow phase one, and then you need to enter into phase two, which could be the most important one. One simple step.

 

 

Learn to love yourself.

 

You can not possibly expect another person to love you if you do not love yourself. You need to be acutely aware of the fact that you believe you are awesome.

 

You need to look in the mirror, evaluate, asses, find the things that make you happy, and do them. Do them until you have so much happiness from just those things alone that you wouldn't even care if you were alone forever and you died with no one to mourn you.

 

Only once you have reached that stage of perfect self content will you be fully able to view the world objectively, and selectively choose for YOURSELF who your date will be. Confidence is ridiculous. It's basically intangible pheromones.

 

But, just like the guitar, self improvement takes actual work and effort. No more excuses. No more procrastination. No more self pity. No more threads about how women suck or OLD doesn't work (which it doesn't) or how no women do this or women don't like that.

 

Just live man. Live for you. Not for them.

[xxoo]

Yes, I am very introverted. I have always had been. I've never had the desire to go out and meet people.

 

To me friends are people I spend time with outside of the activity or place where I met them at.

 

If I only talk to and hang out with a person in a club on campus, they are just an activity buddy. I've had lots of class and activity buddies on campus (of both genders), but only four or so people that I actually spent time with off-campus. All of them were girls.

 

It's just been easier for me to invite girls to spend time with me one-on-one off-campus than it has been with guys. Nobody has ever invited me to spend time with them or do some activity.

 

Do you ever see those people outside of the places you know them from? Like spend time with your coworkers outside of the office?

 

I'd definitely go to any event people mention or specifically invite me to. Though in all the years I've been going to my school, I've only ever heard of one event where people were going to, and I did go to that.

 

I've tried to organize my own events, but people never show up.

 

I wish girls would introduce me to their friends. For some reason it's never happened. There were a couple of girls that I spent a lot of time with off-campus, and I never met any of their friends. A couple of the girls I spent time with new I was single and looking but they never introduced me to anybody. Hell, I never met any of my ex's friends either.

 

So you are saying to be friendly to the girls who have boyfriends, but don't become friends? There's one taken girl that I really like, it sucks to admit but I've already started to think about how to steal her. I know it's the worst thing to do. Is there some way to find out if she has single friends?

 

I really don't spend time with work people outside work, except for the occasional baby shower of Christmas party. I'm a homebody

 

But introverted doesn't need to mean unfriendly, or disconnected. That's my point. If you take an interest in the lives of people around you, they generally will take an interest in yours. You get what you give.

 

Why did you not meet your ex's friends? How is that possible? Did you visit her at work? Never attended a get together? That seems so odd to me in six months of dating.

[pickflicker]

I really don't spend time with work people outside work, except for the occasional baby shower of Christmas party. I'm a homebody

 

But introverted doesn't need to mean unfriendly, or disconnected. That's my point. If you take an interest in the lives of people around you, they generally will take an interest in yours. You get what you give.

 

Why did you not meet your ex's friends? How is that possible? Did you visit her at work? Never attended a get together? That seems so odd to me in six months of dating.

 

I have 2 good friends at work. I don't attend work functions unless I have to (like a departmental lunch). The only other thing I go to is the personal training sessions. I eschew social club, and the Christmas party. I make friends outside of work, because I find socialising within work a contrived situation, where you have to be ultra careful about what you talk about to anyone.

[somedude81]

You need to address your depression. You need to work on making it manageable. People who are depressed are really hard to deal with on a daily basis and no matter how supportive they might be, it grates and can be a breaking factor.

I don't know if you're familiar with Wil and Anne Wheaton, but she wrote a post about living with Wil before he addressed his depression and it's a very interesting read.

I am most certainly not hard to deal with. My ex had no complaints about me, and I don't think she actually knew I had depression. The only sign of my depression that my ex ever saw, was that I didn't want to do my math homework, or my dishes. And I don't believe she ever thought that I didn't want to do those things because I was lacking motivation, because of depression.

 

That's basically how my depression works. It severely limits my motivation in doing things that I don't enjoy. On the surface it just looks like laziness.

 

I'm also sad and generally down when I'm alone. Though since my ex never saw me when I was by myself, she never knew that side of me. I was energized by her presence, so I was never down. Even when she was lying on the couch playing Candy Crush. I was just happy she was near me.

 

Of course you should be passionate about your GF, but the point is, if you're not passionate about anything else, no girl is gonna believe your "passion". It will come across as neediness. And it might creep them out.

I still don't get it. All I can say is that I know how not to be needy. There is only one time in my entire relationship that my ex said I was smothering her, and it was because I was specifically teasing her about something. Once I made my point I left her alone.

 

I bet that if you asked her about me, she would not say that I was needy. Even if you directly asked her about me being needy.

As for how you can tell... Like I've told you before, the fact that you cannot read these cues off of other people doesn't mean they aren't there and that other people can't. I don't know you personally. But I can guarantee you you give off a vibe that not all is well in the world of SD81. People pick up on that and even if they can't pin point exactly what is not right with you, they'll probably just steer clear.

So it's just a general vibe then? Yeah I know what you are talking about. There are a few guys in my dance class that give off that vibe and people avoid them. The girls spend a lot more time coming up to and talking to me. Yesterday while in class a girl ran all the way across the room to give me a hug and say high. That was a bit embarrassing.

 

I guess she really likes my creepy vibe

 

 

And no, they are not rare. I think almost every single one of my female friends is a geek. Quite a few are gamers, others are interested in anime and cosplay, every single one of them is into sci fi and fantasy.

Now, how do I meet these fantastic unicorns, you ask? I go where they hang out and congregate! Because I share those interests.

Where do they congregate? They certainly aren't at the gaming club on my school. It's nothing but a bunch of super nerdy guys

 

BTW, you're link goes to youtube.

[preraph]

Three questions to drill down on the problem:

 

If you were forced to think of one thing that would make you not physically attractive to women, what would it be?

 

If you were forced to think of one thing personality-wise that would make you unpopular, what would it be?

 

Do you have lots of friends?

[TouchedByViolet]

The number 1 problem that you need to over come : You care. You care that you are single, you care about the level of attention you get. You care if they like you.

 

I see and hear this type of response a lot so decided to respond. It's almost worth it's own thread actually. Are you familiar with Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Google it. Sexual intimacy and love are in the MIDDLE. Right after basic psychological needs and security comes friendship, family, love, and sex. It is THAT important. Sex and relationships are hardwired into almost all of us. Telling someone to live without it simply doesn't make sense. A lack of love, intimacy and sex can itself lead directly to depression.