Charlie Harper Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Well yesterday I made it to a year of N.C. the weird part of it I saw my AP and said hello in a mall, was just a quick hello, how are your? 1 minute of chit chat, and Good bye.... I was calm and but I could tell she was surprised.... Weird that exactly one ear after N.C. I would bump into her..... Here is the history if you want to ask something or advice Ill try to give you as honest and straight answer as I can. I met her 4 years ago, saw her very randomly 3 times in a year, and then one day she invited me coffee...we talked 2 hours and we had a blast, both of us married, we saw each other 4 or 5 times to do small errands and then she disappeared, in that period we talked about our marriages and she was/is in a codependent relationship with a guy that is very controlling and verbally abusive... I confused that I was trying to relight my marriage since I believed my wife was also controlling but seldom did anything for me... 7 months later we saw each other again and we hit it off right away, getting up to date etc.... we talked and she told me that she was going to divorce, and I told her I was depressed about my marriage, then I had a big medical scare (nothing was found thank god), but my wife treated me badly and left me on that part and also I took her to N.Y. and I had almost to beg her to go with me..... my AP told me there is something weird there, and my senses tell me either she is not in love anymore or she had an Affair.... She was right, my wife confessed me about a long term A 8 years prior.... I tried to save my marriage and win her over, and then I made a pact with my AP that we both could save our marriages (at that time we were just friends). I traveled with my wife, brought her flowers, took her out every friday for a year, brought her a new car, remodeled our house and did aton of stuff, she tried to communicate with mr Hulk (I put that name because he could be nice one minute and the he would transform into a mental nut case!). Anyways we kept seeing each other and one day she made the move and kissed me, I was surprised and elated, and after a short make out, I promised her that if she wanted nothing with me I would never bother her or put pressure on her, that I KNEW IT WAS WRONG...so it began a 2 year A that was incredible, since we talked for over a year we knew our problems, our defects, or wrong doings and "bad" deeds, we had a relationship based on trust and saying the truth no matter what, after 18 months or so one day when we were in the middle of making love she looked nye straight into the eye and told me: "I am crazy about you, I am so happy to have you, if we get caught would you do anything for me, save me, fight and do whatever to make it through?" I said yes... and she began plotting her divorce, I still was not sure about my part and I told her, give me a year to make it in a non destructive way and we will be together... Then in Feb last year she told me she wanted to save her family, that I should give her the chance to be 100% there and if I was in her life she could not do it, I told her I would so and we broke off... No problems, no drama, no unsaid stuff, no manipulation, very much in love with each other... I hold my cel phone undress of times just about to call her, but I did not because I made a promise. So it began 100 days where I was depressed, I miss her a lot, and more so the open channel I had to talk about us and our feelings... I missed everything about her, to make things more difficult her husband called me to help him in a project, and I helped him to avoid suspicion, her sons also called me for other stuff... I had a really difficult time for the first 100 days. So if you are in a situation of N.C. take one day a t the time, occupy yourself at, work, with family, friends and travel ....HEAL. the first 100 days or so are the most difficult, erase from FB, Watsapp, her his Cel phone avoid temptation. Exercise , I began running and entered Yoga Classes, I made the commitment to play guitar 2 hours and took some courses (dancing mostly), entered counseling. Without her on the picture I also took the decision to try to save my marriage, but alas things got worse and I separated.... great things happened also, I began seeing a lot of my old time friends (female) now most of them divorced, and made quite a few new relationships with women. I am in my 5 month of no sex, and one year of N.C. and with no steady or serious relationship with anyone, I am trying to regain my space and my needs. Yes I have been lonely but it has been by choice, and although the lure of a quick rebound or getting somebody with benefits is attractive, I know its not the way to heal. I have made a conscious effort to have a clear picture where I stand and what I need for the future, and even though some of my female friends have told me that they want push the relation further, I have refrained because I see a lot of women around me that are very broken/hurt/enraged, and haven't done their homework, and to get involved like that is a disaster in the making. HEAL yourself before pursuing other relationship. Being hurt sucks but when wounded you can't make good choices ar be a good partner/lover/friend. FIND YOUR BEARINGS... find what you want, what you CANT live without and what YOU can't stand, and no matter how alluring the other person is if she/he doesn't meet those needs, sorry..... BE HONEST, NO MATTER WHAT say what you need, what you want your expectations and go along with that decision, yes its hard, but it will save you a lot of trouble. Make YOURSELF whole, you don't need somebody to make meaning to your life... make that yourself so your life has meaning by itself, nobody can make you happy/sad/ whole/ complete/etc, you do that yourself. Learn to breathe, seem like a stupid advice but sometimes I felt my world was falling apart, take a deeeeeepppp breath and let go, do that 20 times... Now I am 365 days after maybe the biggest heartbreak I have had, and I am more calm and happy, I have a few very loving friends and can sleep at night knowing that I can keep myself warm at night... Hope It is helpful in some way fellow Love Shackers... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 So do you still love her and miss her? Link to post Share on other sites
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