Coping with a sister with mental illness :(

[kellkell]

I have a sister in her late 20's that still lives at home with us.

 

Over the past two years she has tried to kill herself twice. Has got involved with bad men and has a drink problem. All of which she seems to think is not a problem. She has bought all problems to the household,including cars getting smashed,men attacking my ill dad and life threats to me.

 

She is very selfish. She doesn't appreciate that people need their own space. She acts like a baby and will even put on a baby voice. Anytime she gets on her own two feet she'll do something for attention,anything that will make my parents have to 'sort her out' again. Whether that's money,self harm..she just manipulates them.

 

The worst of it is she tells me the truth and lies to them. So she tells me shes doing this/that and then acts innocent to them. She tells me her plans and plots to mess things up and knows i wont say a word,when i do,she denies it.

 

She has violent outbursts,has had the family in debt for so long,does nothing around the house,doesn't pay rent,talks to people like crap,has tantrums when she doesn't get her own way.

 

The problem i'm having is her suicidal attempts have really effected me. The second time it happened my life spiraled,its always so graphic and i'm always the one left to deal with her.

 

I've taken her to get help,she now refuses any and says shes fine.

 

How do i cope...

[JFReyes]

Been there, I know it sucks... If you really love her, get support from family, church, friends, (can't suggest psychologists because they'll probably tell you to get her out of your life), wherever. It won't last forever. I was lucky enough that mine finally fell in love with a "kindred soul" and they've been making their lives "blissful" for over 20 years. Good luck.

[preraph]

Your parents need to stop enabling her and so do you if you are. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before (if even then) she decides to do something about her addiction. As long as it's all working for her, no motivation to change. She needs to be kicked out if she won't go into a long rehab program.

 

One thing you said made me wonder if she had suffered abuse. A "baby voice" is very common with adults who have arrested development. Arrested development is when there is a trauma/abuse that causes some part of a person's development to remain at the age the trauma occurred. It's very common to hear the whisper or baby voices in women who've been abused as a child. If abuse is at the root of her pain/addiction, that needs to be addressed with a therapist.

Edited April 1, 2014 by preraph

[Tayla]

I'm sincerely sorry to hear of your sisters prognosis and diagnosis. Has the family been thru therapy to endure the persons' mental illness & Behavior?

 

Based on various past relations that you have stepped into, it sounds like you may be following a path of entrusting the illed person. Past boyfriends, siblings...family members. Take care of you and be that support for your sister later on. For now she needs professional care as does the entire family. Living with an unstable person creates unstable by standers.

[Radu]

I'm sincerely sorry to hear of your sisters prognosis and diagnosis. Has the family been thru therapy to endure the persons' mental illness & Behavior?

 

Based on various past relations that you have stepped into, it sounds like you may be following a path of entrusting the illed person. Past boyfriends, siblings...family members. Take care of you and be that support for your sister later on. For now she needs professional care as does the entire family. Living with an unstable person creates unstable by standers.

 

This, you are probably looking at something similar to a Personality Disorder.

 

Those suicide attempts, were they real suicide attempts or just calls for attention [as one would suspect after what you wrote].

Can you describe them ?

[VeronicaRoss]

It would probably give you a lot of peace of mind to find out more about what is wrong with her, at least you have the courage to call it a mental illness!

 

That will help you do a couple of things -- find other people who are going through the same thing or have gone through the same thing, and also to detach. Because you'll learn exactly how little or how much help will actually help.

 

Most of all, you need to learn to take care of yourself first and protect yourself from the illness as much as possible. These things can be your black hole or they could be something she needs to learn to deal with effectively.

[Quiet Storm]

It's sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder, which my younger sister has. The suicide attempts, substance abuse, outbursts, and constant drama are common in Borderlines. My sister is also very immature (the baby voice). She handles a situation like a child would. She gossips, lies and rebels very similar to a preteen girl.

 

I understand what your family is going though because I have lived it with my own parents & sister.

 

Borderlines basically have an inability to regulate their emotions. So anything that happens is a HUGE deal, and they are always in drama mode. They also will make accusations, constantly lie, avoid responsiblity. They are never accountable for their own behavior... they always blame it on something/ someone else. They are very self centered. For example, if I had planned to meet my sister & mom for lunch, but was unable to go because my child was sick, my sister would accuse me of lying & say I chose not to come because I hate her. They often have very irrational behavior. Everything is about them. They can't step outside of themselves to see how they look to other people. They are too wrapped up in their own feelings, to consider anyone else's.

 

My sister is in her 30s and has been treated for BPD since her late teens. Although she has calmed down with medications, she is still not normal by any means. She has even been inpatient for months at one of the nations best psych hospitals. The doctors told my parents that she may calm down as she ages, but not to expect her to ever be "normal". The doctors even prepared my parents for the worst, saying there is a good possiblity that she will eventually commit suicide. What is especially sad is that she has a ten year old son, who is now having emotional problems because of the instability & his mother's behavior.

 

My parents allow her to live with them & support her. They have a lot of guilt because she was sexually abused by a family member at age 5, which is likely what prompted the disorder. They did not know this person was an abuser, but they blame themselves for not protecting her. My sister exploits their guilt and doesn't treat them well at all.

 

I had to distance myself from my sister to stay sane. She was doing/ saying things around our kids that my husband was not happy about, which caused issues between me & my husband. I love her & feel sorry for her because I know she is mentally ill, but my husband got fed up. One time we went to the beach on a family vacation, and we had to chase my drunk & raging sister down the boardwalk in front of my kids. She made a huge scene complete with suicide threats, yelling, crying, etc. After that, my husband cut her off and our kids only see her at weddings/funerals/graduations, etc. I still talk to her & see her sometimes, but she feels betrayed by me because I respect my husbands wishes to keep the kids away.

 

I suggest you encourage her to get help, but I would not expect a cure. She requires life long therapy & psychiatric treatment to remain stable... but keep in mind, stable does not mean normal. Stable just means she's gone awhile without a suicide attempt.

 

I hope that your sister does not have BPD, because it is a serious disorder. I suggest you distance yourself as much as possible. Keep your conversations light and unemotional. Learn to see when she's trying to bait you into an argument. Research terms like "living with a borderline". Read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul Mason.

 

I feel your pain and understand how you feel. The best thing I ever did was to detach emotionally from her and stay out of the disagreements & drama between her & my parents.

[Downtown]

KellKell, I agree with QuietStorm that you are describing many of the classic warning signs for BPD. The book that QuietStorm recommends is excellent and it the best selling BPD book targeted to the abused family members and spouses. If you are interested, I describe these warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to join QuietStorm in discussing the BPD red flags with you.

[kellkell]

Your parents need to stop enabling her and so do you if you are. She is going to have to hit rock bottom before (if even then) she decides to do something about her addiction. As long as it's all working for her, no motivation to change. She needs to be kicked out if she won't go into a long rehab program.

 

One thing you said made me wonder if she had suffered abuse. A "baby voice" is very common with adults who have arrested development. Arrested development is when there is a trauma/abuse that causes some part of a person's development to remain at the age the trauma occurred. It's very common to hear the whisper or baby voices in women who've been abused as a child. If abuse is at the root of her pain/addiction, that needs to be addressed with a therapist.

 

 

Thanks for your reply.

This is something i have thought as well.

I feel like she is stuck at a young age in her mind. I went to a therapy session with her and waited outside but she refused to talk and turned it down. She has said that she hasn't suffered any abuse but i don't quite believe her.

[kellkell]

This, you are probably looking at something similar to a Personality Disorder.

 

Those suicide attempts, were they real suicide attempts or just calls for attention [as one would suspect after what you wrote].

Can you describe them ?

 

 

They always happen drunk.

They always happen around my birthday as well,it'll be a lead up of about 3 weeks of temper tantrums,nastiness,taking people for granted and moaning then she will go out,get completely drunk and then do it.

 

The second time,she done it for someone else's attention at there house,a man.

 

 

It's always when she's drunk and the next day she'll act as if it was 'just silly'.

[kellkell]

It's sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder, which my younger sister has. The suicide attempts, substance abuse, outbursts, and constant drama are common in Borderlines. My sister is also very immature (the baby voice). She handles a situation like a child would. She gossips, lies and rebels very similar to a preteen girl.

 

I understand what your family is going though because I have lived it with my own parents & sister.

 

Borderlines basically have an inability to regulate their emotions. So anything that happens is a HUGE deal, and they are always in drama mode. They also will make accusations, constantly lie, avoid responsiblity. They are never accountable for their own behavior... they always blame it on something/ someone else. They are very self centered. For example, if I had planned to meet my sister & mom for lunch, but was unable to go because my child was sick, my sister would accuse me of lying & say I chose not to come because I hate her. They often have very irrational behavior. Everything is about them. They can't step outside of themselves to see how they look to other people. They are too wrapped up in their own feelings, to consider anyone else's.

 

My sister is in her 30s and has been treated for BPD since her late teens. Although she has calmed down with medications, she is still not normal by any means. She has even been inpatient for months at one of the nations best psych hospitals. The doctors told my parents that she may calm down as she ages, but not to expect her to ever be "normal". The doctors even prepared my parents for the worst, saying there is a good possiblity that she will eventually commit suicide. What is especially sad is that she has a ten year old son, who is now having emotional problems because of the instability & his mother's behavior.

 

My parents allow her to live with them & support her. They have a lot of guilt because she was sexually abused by a family member at age 5, which is likely what prompted the disorder. They did not know this person was an abuser, but they blame themselves for not protecting her. My sister exploits their guilt and doesn't treat them well at all.

 

I had to distance myself from my sister to stay sane. She was doing/ saying things around our kids that my husband was not happy about, which caused issues between me & my husband. I love her & feel sorry for her because I know she is mentally ill, but my husband got fed up. One time we went to the beach on a family vacation, and we had to chase my drunk & raging sister down the boardwalk in front of my kids. She made a huge scene complete with suicide threats, yelling, crying, etc. After that, my husband cut her off and our kids only see her at weddings/funerals/graduations, etc. I still talk to her & see her sometimes, but she feels betrayed by me because I respect my husbands wishes to keep the kids away.

 

I suggest you encourage her to get help, but I would not expect a cure. She requires life long therapy & psychiatric treatment to remain stable... but keep in mind, stable does not mean normal. Stable just means she's gone awhile without a suicide attempt.

 

I hope that your sister does not have BPD, because it is a serious disorder. I suggest you distance yourself as much as possible. Keep your conversations light and unemotional. Learn to see when she's trying to bait you into an argument. Research terms like "living with a borderline". Read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" by Paul Mason.

 

I feel your pain and understand how you feel. The best thing I ever did was to detach emotionally from her and stay out of the disagreements & drama between her & my parents.

 

 

Thank for you for your reply. In a way its comforting to know i'm not alone on this,i was starting to think i was going mad!

 

It does sound a lot like BPD.

 

Thank for you for your advice,i will definitely take it and do some research.

[carhill]

Coping methods:

 

Acceptance of the illness

 

Agree and redirect (situational coping)

 

Balance (positive, uplifting experiences away from mentally ill person)

 

Get plenty of sleep. Stress, combined with insomnia, can make one crazy.

 

Myself, save for identifying a danger to self or others (like suicide threats/violence), I'd leave the machinations of diagnosis to professionals. For some PD's, the patient won't ever get close enough to a professional for a dx unless they're 5150 or hospitalized for other issues so it's largely fruitless to make an armchair dx unless it's solely for one's own peace of mind ("yes, I believe he/she has this and it's OK").

 

Oh, last coping method - seek out a carer group which deals with similar, either IRL on online. Knowing one isn't alone and bouncing ideas off of others in similar circumstances can be both uplifting and help in everyday dealings.

 

And yes, the aliens in the vents watching you pee are real and the alien catcher will be here later today

 

(real life 'lie', told thousands of them)

[Radu]

They always happen drunk.

They always happen around my birthday as well,it'll be a lead up of about 3 weeks of temper tantrums,nastiness,taking people for granted and moaning then she will go out,get completely drunk and then do it.

 

The second time,she done it for someone else's attention at there house,a man.

 

 

It's always when she's drunk and the next day she'll act as if it was 'just silly'.

 

Oh this is not a coincidence.

 

Your B-day is the day where the family looks at you, and it's coming ... so she does something for ppl to look at her.

 

Google Holidays with a BPD, see what other ppl say about them.

[tbf]

If your sister's in her late twenties, it's likely you're also an adult. Any chance you can move out, possibly share an apartment with roommates?

[Eivuwan]

It seems you have already tried a bunch of things with her. You may have to accept that she will only change only when SHE wants to. I think what you need to do at this point is take care of your own mental health.