when its time, will I know?

[msoptimistic]

Two years ago something drastic changed in my M. Something unexplainable or undefined. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment instead of a general timeframe; and I wish I knew the how and why instead of asking myself why everyday. But I don't know the when and why and I think I never will. Unfortunately, I allowed someone else in and a 2 year affair began. I no longer wanted to go home, preferring to work late. I took up walking/running and could stay out for hours (which of course only caused more stress in the R). I started taking antidepressants and had to have pills to help with sleep. I turned into a person I didn't know or understand. I knew the A was wrong but I just couldnt seem to let go. The past few weeks my contact with AP has decreased. I know it should be nc cold turkey but a slower withdrawal is what works best for me. My question is that even though I know the A further damaged my M, I still cant seem to reconnect with the feelings I once had for my husband. He is a good man, very undeserving of all of this, but there is no physical attraction at all and I simply cant get to the place where I enjoy his company again. So, my question is...as I grieve the loss of my AP, can I trust my instincts that the M is irretrievably broken? And just fyi..this was my first A and the guilt has been almost unbearable, but I sincerely believe I love this man and I just as sincerely know it cant work...soooo many internal wars going on...any advice will be so welcome...there has to be more options than I've come up with alone!

[trippi1432]

Two years ago something drastic changed in my M. Something unexplainable or undefined. I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment instead of a general timeframe; and I wish I knew the how and why instead of asking myself why everyday. But I don't know the when and why and I think I never will. Unfortunately, I allowed someone else in and a 2 year affair began. I no longer wanted to go home, preferring to work late. I took up walking/running and could stay out for hours (which of course only caused more stress in the R). I started taking antidepressants and had to have pills to help with sleep. I turned into a person I didn't know or understand. I knew the A was wrong but I just couldnt seem to let go. The past few weeks my contact with AP has decreased. I know it should be nc cold turkey but a slower withdrawal is what works best for me. My question is that even though I know the A further damaged my M, I still cant seem to reconnect with the feelings I once had for my husband. He is a good man, very undeserving of all of this, but there is no physical attraction at all and I simply cant get to the place where I enjoy his company again. So, my question is...as I grieve the loss of my AP, can I trust my instincts that the M is irretrievably broken? And just fyi..this was my first A and the guilt has been almost unbearable, but I sincerely believe I love this man and I just as sincerely know it cant work...soooo many internal wars going on...any advice will be so welcome...there has to be more options than I've come up with alone!

 

 

sigh...he dumped you again huh? The AP that is, not the husband who supposedly knows nothing about the guy he introduced you to and was friends with (even when you admitted the affair and promised to stop but didn't and still haven't). How much longer can you carry this facade? You could have easily let your husband go...there must be something you are punishing him for. I can see you are the victim in all of this....why do you hate your husband so much?

[trippi1432]

My question is that even though I know the A further damaged my M, I still cant seem to reconnect with the feelings I once had for my husband. He is a good man, very undeserving of all of this, but there is no physical attraction at all and I simply cant get to the place where I enjoy his company again. So, my question is...as I grieve the loss of my AP, can I trust my instincts that the M is irretrievably broken? And just fyi..this was my first A and the guilt has been almost unbearable, but I sincerely believe I love this man and I just as sincerely know it cant work...soooo many internal wars going on...any advice will be so welcome...there has to be more options than I've come up with alone!

 

Which man are you asking about??

[RightThere]

My question is that even though I know the A further damaged my M, I still cant seem to reconnect with the feelings I once had for my husband. He is a good man, very undeserving of all of this, but there is no physical attraction at all and I simply cant get to the place where I enjoy his company again. So, my question is...as I grieve the loss of my AP, can I trust my instincts that the M is irretrievably broken?

 

You cannot pretend to reconnect with your husband while you still have feelings for your OM. It's impossible. And the fact is you haven't really tried to reconnect for over 2 years, so you let your relationship with him die.

 

Now I'm not saying it's totally dead. Because it is possible to get everything back and more. But it will involve a number of things you may not be willing to do. And there are no guarantees.

 

One involves going cold turkey with your OM. A slow withdrawal is garbage. I'm sure you know that, it's just hard and you don't want to. The other is coming clean with your husband. Which is also hard, and you probably don't want to. But if you want to reconnect and repair with your husband, you must do both.

[CountryDad]

sigh...he dumped you again huh? The AP that is, not the husband who supposedly knows nothing about the guy he introduced you to and was friends with (even when you admitted the affair and promised to stop but didn't and still haven't). How much longer can you carry this facade? You could have easily let your husband go...there must be something you are punishing him for. I can see you are the victim in all of this....why do you hate your husband so much?

 

 

 

Wait...WHAT? Are you kidding me Trippi? I can only hope your being sarcastic when you say you can see "she's the victim" ...I don't know what hell is going is on...but if msoptimistic isthrowing out fuzzy "I don't what or when things changed" type comments...then msoptimistic - it's on you...you changed. You're cheating...I'm struggling in my relationship which is why I ended up here...and on this very string...but you need to look deep into yourself and take some ownership on the position you've put yourself in...

 

 

You might be looking for something that your husband can't provide - but that doesn't mean it because your husband fails to provide it...it might be something you need to provide for yourself...like self worth or pride or faith in yourself...

 

 

Let's not be so quick to blame the other partner...

[trippi1432]

You might be looking for something that your husband can't provide - but that doesn't mean it because your husband fails to provide it...it might be something you need to provide for yourself...like self worth or pride or faith in yourself...

 

 

Let's not be so quick to blame the other partner...

 

I'm not....I would gladly take him off her hands as he such a burden.

[CountryDad]

I'm not....I would gladly take him off her hands as he such a burden.

 

Amen...sometimes folks need to look inward for what they seek rather than expect it to come from their partner...it's supposed to be a partnership - a symbiotic relationship...let strengths and weakness come together to balance each other out...not parasitic...I'm missing something so I expect my partner to fill it for me...this just seems like a you're looking to fill a internal void by creating a relationship with someone else as part of that struggle...and it will never be satiated by someone other than "you."

[msoptimistic]

I know that the A was and is wrong; I know that going cold turkey is the best way to end it and I know that I did a good man wrong. I have so many thoughts running circles in my head that I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. Yes, I do take ownership for being wishy-washy and causing disruptions in lots of lives. I changed and I know that. I lost the weight, took care of myself and became a different person. I started wanting things that I had never wanted before...I wanted to go out more; go to concerts and go dancing; go eat at lots of different restaurants; go to the beach...and the unfair thing is these are all things H doesn't like...

 

H told me recently that I hadn't been fair because I changed in the middle of the game. If I wanted to try all these things I should have told him before we married so he could make a better informed decision. The thing is, at the time we married, we were very much on the same page. We liked the same things and I followed him around like a good little wife because I didn't have a life of my own.

 

At a time of great change, the MM walked into my life...maybe he came along just to show me the "other" side...that life can be different. The clincher is I don't want to want that "other" side. I know the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener wherever you water it. Yep, I have straddled the fence on these forums; things will go wrong and I'll come on here with a bleeding heart because I don't know what else to do..yes, my story is too many twists and turns to even make sense, and yes, I put myself right here.

 

I don't want to want the MM, but I can't turn off loving him even though I've been to the C, read the books, and talked to women in similar positions. I KNOW the outcome, I KNOW he's saying whatever it takes to get what he wants...and for me, with my little self-esteem, I keep looking for ways to make him want me...pathetic... That being said, as soon as I talk to him I'll think that's it and I'll make it for awhile staying busy or reading these forums, then something will happen and contact will be made and it amazes me how much I feel (and fall) for this man.

 

I try to compartmentalize and spend time with H without MM on my mind. Of course, everyone here knows how impossible that is...but I am so tired of fighting all of it...so tired of no peace...so tired of the juggling act, but in the back of my mind I think that if there were still love there for H and knowing what I know about MM that I could walk away from A at least to give M a shot; however, I catch myself thinking more often that if I walk away from M that there are other fish in the sea besides MM...which leads me back to my original thought...when its time, will I know?

 

Not going to re-read this before posting...just my thoughts as they came to me...

[RightThere]

which leads me back to my original thought...when its time, will I know?

 

You already know. You know that it's time to do "something" but instead you are choosing "nothing."

 

And even though you think you are enlightened to what is going on around you, you still don't actually do anything with your knowledge. You blame your husband for saying "you changed the rules of the game." If you were honest with him and said these are the new things I want to do, and I need you to try them to make me happy, who knows where it would go.

 

But because you are holding back the truth from your husband in some poor excuse to "protect him" you continue to do damage to your current relationship. Nothing will get repaired so long as you continue to not be honest about yourself, what you feel, and what you do.

 

Once you are totally honest about everything with yourself and the people around you, that burden will be lifted and you can start making some real decisions and changes. Until then, you'll continue to be miserable because you'll continue to live in your false reality.

[trippi1432]

You already know. You know that it's time to do "something" but instead you are choosing "nothing."

 

And even though you think you are enlightened to what is going on around you, you still don't actually do anything with your knowledge. You blame your husband for saying "you changed the rules of the game." If you were honest with him and said these are the new things I want to do, and I need you to try them to make me happy, who knows where it would go.

 

But because you are holding back the truth from your husband in some poor excuse to "protect him" you continue to do damage to your current relationship. Nothing will get repaired so long as you continue to not be honest about yourself, what you feel, and what you do.

 

Once you are totally honest about everything with yourself and the people around you, that burden will be lifted and you can start making some real decisions and changes. Until then, you'll continue to be miserable because you'll continue to live in your false reality.

 

I'm not even going to post on what you have stated Opt....other than to reiterate what Right There has stated, sometimes the right things need to be said (and read) twice.

[msoptimistic]

I've read your advice then left the site and come back and read the advice again and I also purchased a book written by a woman who went through an A and lived to tell about it. In fact I was reading it till late in the night last night. It has been a real eye opener. I haven't looked at my actions as "punishing" my H. I guess in my warped sense of reality I thought I was "protecting" him. And no, AP has not asked to end anything or even slow down...we have had our setbacks but we always come back together. I am the one who has now reached the stage where I try to look at it from the outside and see just how wrong the whole situation is. I am the one who pointed out to AP just how hot the fire we are playing with is...here is one fact, if I come clean with H and tell him everything the M is over. That is a done deal. There will not be any working on it or other chances. And I don't blame him. When I put myself in his situation (which I have always avoided), I wouldn't give me any more chances either. While reading the advice on here as well as the book, I have tried to remember what peace was like...a peace that I took away from myself and my H (we have no children together or at home so it has really fallen mostly on us). I can't even remember what I used to do before MM came along and in the blink of an eye began consuming all my thoughts.

 

I think the question I struggle so much with is leaving a H that I loved so dearly. There was a time when we literally did everything together. I remember my mom being worried about how I would make it if anything happened to him because we were together all the time. But things changed and I messed up and that caused him to change and become bitter and we are now in a vicious holding pattern where we sidestep the subject and hope things fall into place.

 

Too tired to even worry with MM...he's made his decisions and actions speak louder than words...I don't need him to tell me his plans, I know exactly what he wants which is to keep his W and me as well...slowly but surely I look at that for what it is...a lying man that I have let take advantage of me for whom I gave up a whole lot of self-respect that I deserve to take back...

 

Time to talk to H...remembering that he is very old school and set in his ways and if I drop everything on him, the M has no chance of survival, does anyone have any suggestions on how to start this conversation?

[george roy]

... Time to talk to H...remembering that he is very old school and set in his ways and if I drop everything on him, the M has no chance of survival, does anyone have any suggestions on how to start this conversation?

 

Msoptimistic,

 

If you're serious about this,

 

I'd ask if he wants to meet up to talk.

 

And tell him that you have a lot of things you want (need ?) to tell him.

 

And you also need to set that night up in such a way that there's as much time as possible to talk about things. This isn't a 'let's meet up for lunch, I have something to tell you' kind of thing.

There can be no "I have to get to work" type of option... For you.

 

If he decides during the conversation that he "has to get up early for work", then let him. He will need time to process whatever you've told him.

 

The only way it has a shot of working is if you tell him everything.

 

And then, what are you prepared to do to prove it ?

 

For starters, how did you meet the other man ?

[RightThere]

Time to talk to H...remembering that he is very old school and set in his ways and if I drop everything on him, the M has no chance of survival, does anyone have any suggestions on how to start this conversation?

 

One thing I can say as a BS, you may think you know how your husband will react, but he may surprise you. Don't assume anything.

 

As for how to talk to him about it. Make sure you'll have uninterrupted time and somewhere quiet. Don't hold anything back because he'll likely have a lot of questions. Make sure if you want to stay married and work on things that you tell him that. If you're sorry, make sure and say it until you're blue in the face.

 

As for how to start the conversation, just jump right into it. Open that can, dump the worms everywhere, and you'll feel the weight come off your shoulders. And then you can actually start working on fixing things.

 

Good luck.

[msoptimistic]

GeorgeRoy...H was there when I met MM for the first time...he was even in on the texting and flirting that got the whole R started...he just got uncomfortable and wanted the whole thing to disappear when I got a little too close for his comfort...so he knows the backstory up until he demanded no more contact which I did for a short while but then it started back up...

 

Right There...you are right, I don't know exactly how he will react, but I know how he reacted in his first divorce because I knew both he and his 1st wife very well...the key question you hit on is if I want to make it work...that still worries me to death...somedays I do but somedays I'm ready to throw in the towel and I guess that's exactly what I'll have to tell him...

 

No better time than this weekend to find out though!

[trippi1432]

Opt - make sure when you have this talk with him that you hold yourself accountable and responsible as well. In other words, don't throw the blame over the fence on him. If you know how it was when he and his first wife (who I believe you said cheated), this isn't about you are ready to throw in the towel, what's he going to do about it....which I feel has been the basis of the marriage for a while. I say this because you said several times that you couldn't tell him so you told him you were trying to work on the marriage but had not divulged the affair....that puts him at a disadvantage. He has no idea what he is supposed to be working on. You've already told him that the marriage wasn't out of the woods yet......I don't think you need to open with "I don't know whether to stay and work on it or throw in the towel."......and by the way....I've been having an affair. You don't have all the power here, you do have the power to destroy your husband based on the way you deliver it.

 

How did you feel when the OM pushed you away for fear of losing his marriage? His devastated were you, it's all right here. Put yourself in your husband's shoes and own up to what you did. To throw in the towel or not, at this point, is up to him of course.

[RightThere]

Right There...you are right, I don't know exactly how he will react, but I know how he reacted in his first divorce because I knew both he and his 1st wife very well...the key question you hit on is if I want to make it work...that still worries me to death...somedays I do but somedays I'm ready to throw in the towel and I guess that's exactly what I'll have to tell him...

 

No better time than this weekend to find out though!

 

Not sure what books you picked up, but the two books called "Woman's Infidelity" are really eye opening. First one deals with reason why you are in an affair and the second is how to break out of the limbo you feel. Difficult reads because of the approach the author takes and the author's credentials are suspect, but I can't argue with her ideas.

 

You probably go back and forth because you are in limbo. You've been letting your marriage die and having an affair and committing to neither. The books are great and coming out with everything will help clear things up for you.

 

The biggest decision you need to make is do you want to break out of your limbo? If you do, then you've already made some progress.

 

Good luck to you.

[msoptimistic]

Trip, thanks for your honest advice; not always easy to hear but always needed. The idea of this talk with H is still very new so I haven't thought everything through and I am definitely an analyzer. He tells me quite regularly that we need to talk about the M and where we're headed and I always avoid the whole conversation so he won't be taken totally by surprise when I tell him we need to talk...no, this is not his fault and I will not try to shift the blame. Here is my epiphany...we only do as good as we know at the time we choose to do something. In choosing to continue the A, I made a bad choice. In encouraging the A, H made a bad choice. We both have blame but this conversation won't be about blame at all...this is going to be about who we are now and the different playing field we are on. I have definitely changed and some things I cannot change back (i.e. I won't put the weight back on; I won't quit running - things he thinks that if they would go back to pre-A days would make a difference in our relationship; so he wants fat and lazy because in his eyes that is safer!) He insists I am way too worried about outward appearance and not worried enough about what's on the inside. He may very well have a valid point on this one and I'm open to discussing it, but I'm thinking there's room for work on both inside and outside in a person's life. So the best choice I know to make right now is to be honest and be prepared to walk away. If he chooses that moving on will be easier than working on what we have, that is his choice...and one I'll have to live with because of my own choices.

 

One thing I hesitate to bring up on this forum, but I do feel a need to ask...legally, I'm thinking that if a spouse admits adultery, the offended spouse has grounds to bring everything out in open court. If he is mad enough to seek a D, then he'll do it in a vengeful manner (as with 1st wife)...that would mean putting my family/friends/coworkers through alot...if he chooses to walk away I would like to convince him to consider everyone before he chooses to go public. Again, I'm second guessing here and no one knows how he will react...just thinking through all scenarios...

[RightThere]

One thing I hesitate to bring up on this forum, but I do feel a need to ask...legally, I'm thinking that if a spouse admits adultery, the offended spouse has grounds to bring everything out in open court. If he is mad enough to seek a D, then he'll do it in a vengeful manner (as with 1st wife)...that would mean putting my family/friends/coworkers through alot...if he chooses to walk away I would like to convince him to consider everyone before he chooses to go public. Again, I'm second guessing here and no one knows how he will react...just thinking through all scenarios...

 

Depends on the state you live in. Some have no fault divorce (i.e. adultery is not considered at all). Other states do have it as grounds where you could be punished.

[msoptimistic]

Thanks Right There,

I do live in limbo; it amazes me how one person's emotions can be all over the map. I didn't/don't want to give up on MM, but I really have no choices there. I really would love for M to work but there is ZERO physical attraction for me and that is very hard even in the best of circumstances. It makes it difficult to want to spend time talking, cuddling, being romantic with someone to regain closeness. But the time has come to put my energy into dealing with fallout of coming clean. It takes tons and tons of energy to compartmentalize my two lives and making sure the 2 don't cross and I could be making some major movement forward if I'd use all that energy for something positive rather than just existing. I think I have become a pessimist through this whole ordeal; I used to never see the bad side of anything, but in this situation, I'm not sure there is any good side! But at least, once it is all out in the open, I'll know...

[barbwire911]

@msoptimistic:

 

I get your situation. I also had an affair with a coworker but fessed up to it after a month. My spouse wanted to work on things but I secretly went back to the affair. The guy and I had crazy magnetism between us. Then I got caught the second time. Hubby still wanted to work on it.

 

the issue I found is we engage in affairs often because we are missing something in our marriage. The coworker I had an affair with had 6 affairs during his 5 year marriage but was not ready to admit he had failed in his marriage and had a 5 year old daughter he thought he was protecting bu staying. He has since left his wife (not for me as we are not on speaking terms now for the past 6 weeks but that is another story altogether..)

 

Anyways in my marriage my spouse hadlost his sex drive a year into dating. We should not even have married actually but we did and I just hoped everything would get better. He told me he had the same issue with his ex girfriend prior to me but she left. So in the past 5 years since we are married we had sex maybe 20 times. We are still together and apparently working on the marriage however we have communications issues (we just do not speak, etc.) and no intimacy and our interests are different. I think I may move out temporary to get some clarity as our therapists (individual) and marriage counsellor think it may be good despite it may lead to separation.

 

So with the rejection of sex I started to build anger and resentment inside and my spouse is not a talker so if I brought it up we would fight and he got all his physiology checked and he went to psychological counselling and nothing could be found. I am 39 and he 46 so some guys just have low sex drive but his is none. So I craved attention and desire which I got from this coworker so hence why I engaged in an affair; it became very turbulent as he had anger issues and was diagnosed OCD with anxiety and borderline personality so it gets messy.

 

but I till have feelings for my affair partner even though he is messed up so I know where it is hard for you. I am looking into my family of origin as if you have a strong draw to someone it is often because it (subconsciously) brings back something from your past. my affair guy was just like my dad and I had always been after dads love and approval as he was so distant emotionally with me as a child. So coupled with wanting desire and attention physically and sexually as well as craving a man's approval which I had searched for ever since I was a kid due to my issues with dad, that led me to be attracted to the affair I had and the type of guy I chose.

 

I know my affair guy was not good for me as of his issues so we have been NC 6 weeks but I still miss him. It feels like withdrawal and these people can often be like a drug addiction. they have done studies and the same reaction in the brain chemically you get when addicted to a drug and you take it happens when you have an affair and get that high.

 

But the reasons you have the affair need to be looked at. Something is missing in your marriage and something draws you to that guy.

[Movingforward2]

You already know. You know that it's time to do "something" but instead you are choosing "nothing."

 

And even though you think you are enlightened to what is going on around you, you still don't actually do anything with your knowledge. You blame your husband for saying "you changed the rules of the game." If you were honest with him and said these are the new things I want to do, and I need you to try them to make me happy, who knows where it would go.

 

But because you are holding back the truth from your husband in some poor excuse to "protect him" you continue to do damage to your current relationship. Nothing will get repaired so long as you continue to not be honest about yourself, what you feel, and what you do.

 

Once you are totally honest about everything with yourself and the people around you, that burden will be lifted and you can start making some real decisions and changes. Until then, you'll continue to be miserable because you'll continue to live in your false reality.

 

"Nothing changes if nothing changes".