Will a guy come back after you've disrespected him?

[whatdreamsmaycome]

I apologized a million times over (but have not contacted him since that day). He ended it, and I understand why he did. But I was wondering if that is ever forgiven. Has anyone experienced forgiveness from a guy after completely and utterly disrespecting him and cutting to to the core? But also apologizing moments after the situation occurred?

[David87]

You did the right thing by apologising now it's up to him if he reaches out or not.

 

I'm a forgiver so it wouldnt be a huge problem for me to get over a situation like this but if it happens the second time then I burn all the bridges.

[Grumpybutfun]

Really it is according to what you did and if there is a pattern of disrespecting him. I have little tolerance for being treated poorly for no reason and wouldn't give a girl many chances for disrespecting me, however, he may be more forgiving. You apologized, and now it is up to him what he decides. Lesson to be learned here about being kind and respectful. Don't lose your temper and have a tantrum next time you get a bf.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Keenly]

It does in fact depend on what you did.

 

There are several things I can think of where I wouldn't go back.

 

 

You could say one thing between just us, and I would get mad, but forgive you if you felt remorse.

 

You could say the same thing in front of my friends, or your friends, and it will be over right then and there and I'll never go back.

 

 

It all depends on the situation and the circumstances.

[Chi townD]

I agree. It depends on what the infraction was.

[whatdreamsmaycome]

It definitely wasn't in public (would never said what I said in front of his friends or family, or even strangers). It's too complicated to explain what I said, but I made him so angry that he raised his voice and cursed at me (which I've never seen him do). He said that what I said cut him to the core, and that there's no way he'd ever want to marry someone like me. The moment I saw how this affected him, I began apologizing over and over, but I think he had reached his tipping point. When we got to my place he seemed to have cooled down, he offered to walk me to my door and began to get out (this is why I still have hope...) but I told him he didn't have to do that... I don't know if that made him angrier, but he sped off after that.

 

Yes, I do have a lot to learn about biting my tongue. We were both under stress and he has a way of internalizing things, while I end up being pretty vocal about them.

 

I was wondering if it's completely over. When a guy blurts out, "I would never want to marry someone like you", could it just be out of anger, or was he expressing something he truly believed and will not get over?

 

Trust me, I know I earned if it is the case that he will never speak to me again, but I guess I just want to prepare myself for it.

[Chi townD]

How is it too complicated to explain what you said?

 

 

Did you say that he sucked in bed?

 

 

Did you say that he had a small penis?

 

 

Did you say that you hated his family and that he was a momma's boy?

 

 

Did you say that you found his best friend or his brother hot?

 

 

Did you tell him that he needed a prescription for Viagra?

 

 

Did you confess to cheating on him?

 

 

Look, I don't mean to pry, but if you want advice on how to fix this, then you're going to need to be a little forthcoming with what exactly happened.

[whatdreamsmaycome]

He was being very short with me, so I told him he was acting like an ayhole. He got upset and told me if I think that then "this" is over and proceeded to drive me home. In the car, I told him that his willingness to just give up on something when thing aren't going perfectly is his downfall. Then I mentioned his ex (they ended it 3 years ago), and said that maybe if he would've tried harder, she would've stayed with him instead of leaving him for the guy she is now married to. That set him off.

 

I definitely regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth, but I had a feeling that he never got over her so it was stuck in my head and came out when I lost my mind. Yes, I know that I was completely in the wrong. I just want to know if this is something that is forgivable or not.

 

If you think it's not, I don't want to bother him.

[KaliLove]

That was cold. I suppose it depends on the person whether or not it's forgivable..but if he really wanted to marry you, he wouldn't dump you over it. Sounds to me like he was looking for a way out of your relationship anyway and this was his spring board.

[Zahara]

OP, do you always lash like that when you are upset? I'm asking because if that is how you react, then maybe it has been compounding -- this may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

If no, I have to say that it's forgiveable. It would upset me but not enough that I would end a relationship. In his case he could be using it as an excuse to exit the relationship.

[Chi townD]

See, that wasn't so hard was it?

 

 

Yeah, you attacked his male ego big time. You pretty much reminded him of that painful time in his life when he felt he wasn't good enough to hold onto a girl. That the person that he poured his heart, love and soul into wasn't enough to hold onto someone. You made him feel small and inadequate. That you're only with him because, perhaps you felt sorry for him.

 

 

So, bad area you find yourself in. Is he hurt to the point that he doesn't want to come back to you? I don't know. You know him, I don't. But, as a man, I can tell you what might help. Can't guarantee it will work, but it might give you a shot to get him back.

 

 

If he was to come on here, we would tell him to go strict No Contact with you so he would be able to heal. I'm sure you might have thrown out some breadcrumbs in the form of texts to see if he's cooled off. We would tell him to ignore those. They mean nothing. The ONLY breadcrumb that he should entertain would be the one that says "I sorry. I made a mistake and I don't want to lose you." So, that's what you need to do.

 

 

Make sure a couple of days has passed and he's had time to cool off. I don't think that he wants to throw you way yet because of his statement of saying, "I would never marry a person like you." If you haven't talked seriously about marriage yet, then he's thought about it and if things we're going the way that they were going before this incident, I have a feeling that he was on his way, in the near future, to be on a bended knee and asking you to be his wife. Therefore, I don't think he's ready just to throw that away.

 

 

What I suggest that you do, is write him a letter. Apologize for saying what you said. That you were angry and didn't mean it. Then, go onto say EVERYTHING that he means to you. How special he is to you. How you thanked God the very day he entered into your life. That you love his smile. You love how he makes you laugh and that there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't make you smile. How he makes you feel safe and secured and loved. That there's not a lot of girls that have a man that isn't a total douche rocket and treats girls the way that they want to be treated. As an equal and a partner in life. That you STILL get excited like a little giddy girl when you're about to see him and your heart breaks a little when he leaves. And you can't give that up, you can't let a good man go without a fight and he's worth fighting for. So, propose one weekend. Just ask him for one weekend to make it up to him. Think of it as an olive branch.

 

 

You need to build up his ego. You need to have your heart on your sleeve and let it all out there. Completely vulnerable. If he agrees to meet up with you over the weekend. Then, you have some work to do. I suggest sweeping him away to a place over the weekend. To a romantic B&B. And doing things he likes to do. Eating foods he likes to eat. And Ummm....how do I say this without......wearing things YOU KNOW he's going to like to see.....if you know what I mean. I might cost you a bit of money, but you need to make it happen. You need to build him back up and humble yourself to him. Let him know and see how special he is to you. Let him see how remorseful you are about what you said.

 

 

Now, will this work? Maybe. It's worth a shot. If you want to compose the letter and if your not sure if you're saying the right things, you can post it here and people will tell you if it's okay or not. If you need to add things or strike things out before you actually send it.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Chi townD

[whatdreamsmaycome]

I love the idea of that letter. I would honestly use it word for word because it's entirely true. I do feel like God put him in my life at the moment that he entered it. He did make me laugh and smile, and he did seem to try... 'til the end when he just gave up. The minute things weren't all rosy, he seemed to want to throw it away. And this is what keeps me from writing or contacting him.

 

I haven't written any breadcrumb texts because it just happened yesterday, so I know he won't be receptive to anything right now. There was actually a lot more said in the car ride home, but I figured it would make the post quite lengthy, but perhaps I should mention it to get a clearer picture if there is hope or not. I don't want to write him this letter if he's thinking, "is this girl crazy, I said I didn't want this to continue".... or similar.

 

It's about a 30 minute drive to my place, and towards the end of it, he seemed heated but like he was calming down because I just kept saying his name and apologizing and telling him I'd make it up to him. But he was adamant about taking me home. At one point when he had calmed down, he said that the relationship would just be an unhealthy and unstable one if we continued and he even stated, "i'm being calm and rational now and I'm telling you this."

 

The only reason why I have/had hope is that he wanted to walk me to my door. Is that normal during a break-up? I just never had that happen, so I wondered what he may have said had I allowed him to walk me to my door. Or am I just grasping for straws here?

 

So now knowing all of that, would it still be worth it to write that letter? Even though he said he was calm and rational, could he have still just been angry and speaking out of anger? How much cooling off time would a situation like this need?

[Keenly]

If a man ever confides something in you seeking comfort ( the downfall of his last relationship ) and one day you use that against him as ammo with no other intention that to hurt him... yeah.... he is going to get pretty pissed. Rightfully so as well.

 

 

You shattered his trust for speaking his thoughts and sharing his heart.

 

 

You're going to have to put in a lot of work to express your apologies. Its not impossible, but be prepared to jump through some serious hoops.

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I am disrespected.

 

Disrespect me once, shame on you. Disrespect me twice, shame on me.

 

Its all a matter of how forigiving the person is.

[Chi townD]

Probably the reason why he wanted to walk you to your door is because you got a good guy there and even though he was pissed at you, it was still the right thing to do. Believe it or not chivalry isn't dead. You agreed to go out with him, by accepting his offer he was put in charge that you make it home safely.

 

 

 

You should have let him walk you to your door. By saying it was alright; he didn't have to do that was another rejection he received.

 

 

When he said to continue in the relationship would be unhealthy and he was saying it in a rational and calm manner, don't believe it. He was pissed beyond rational thinking.

 

 

You're saying that things weren't rosy and that's what keeping you from reaching out to him. Well, guess what? Relationships and marriages aren't rosy all the time! They're hard work and you're going to have down periods. You work through the issues because; even though you're pissed at each other, you still love that person and can't picture a life without him or her.

 

 

Now, if you're telling me that you can see a life without him and what you said about him is true, then don't contact him. But, if you can see a long life with him (with the occasional bump in the road) then you need to swallow your pride and try to get your man back.

Edited March 28, 2014 by Chi townD

[whatdreamsmaycome]

I do feel terrible about everything I said, and there IS part of me that is willing to jump through hoops to make it right. But obviously, I'm scared of the rejection. Yes, he confided in me and opened up his heart to me, and I did as well. I confessed I have abandonment issues, and I feel that when someone is leaving me, I will lash out. I will try to dispense an equal amount of pain as what I feel is being dished to me.

 

Last night, it was so painful that he was ready to give up so easily, ready to throw everything away and never speak to me again. I know that is absolutely no excuse to say what I said, but I just wanted to explain where it was coming from. He and I have talked about it, I gave him a couple "outs" early on in dating, and he always said that he didn't want "out". I gave him so many warnings, I told him I've never had a normal, healthy relationship and he said he'd like to work on that with me. But I know that it's too much for a person to deal with, and so I almost feel as if I shouldn't try. I should just let it be over, for his sake. So he doesn't get lonely one night and we end up in the same sort of mess months down the line again.

 

This is so difficult, because part of me wants what feels good to me (having him back), but the other part wants him to be free from me and actually have a chance at being happy. You're right, Chi, he is a good guy, a very good guy. Probably too good for me and my mess. I didn't think that me telling him to not walk me to my door would be considered rejection, I was just thinking I didn't want to hassle him anymore than I already had... also a tiny bit scared that I'd want to hug him and not let go.

[Simon Phoenix]

He was being very short with me, so I told him he was acting like an ayhole. He got upset and told me if I think that then "this" is over and proceeded to drive me home. In the car, I told him that his willingness to just give up on something when thing aren't going perfectly is his downfall. Then I mentioned his ex (they ended it 3 years ago), and said that maybe if he would've tried harder, she would've stayed with him instead of leaving him for the guy she is now married to. That set him off.

 

I definitely regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth, but I had a feeling that he never got over her so it was stuck in my head and came out when I lost my mind. Yes, I know that I was completely in the wrong. I just want to know if this is something that is forgivable or not.

 

If you think it's not, I don't want to bother him.

 

Yeah, I'd be done with you probably. It's one thing to be in an argument, but what would ever possess you to say something that low? I wouldn't be done with you purely because of the comment, but the fact that you felt that you had to take it to that level would be a huge character red flag. I would think that you are a mean person and would not want to be with someone of that character.

[white_bass87]

I came in here expecting to read something else, but you're a saint as a far as I can tell, and at least you have the good intentions of making things right.

[ThatMan]

It definitely wasn't in public (would never said what I said in front of his friends or family, or even strangers).

 

People who mistreat others do so behind closed doors.

I want you to take a moment and carefully think about that sentence.

 

Those who mistreat others must pretend to be normal human beings when in the presence of friends, family, or even strangers. The truth is that you probably knew what you said is wrong. I bet the only reason why you said what you did was because you're alone with him.

 

The simplest guideline you may create for yourself is just one idea: If you couldn't say something to your boss then you shouldn't say it just because you're alone with someone.

 

Yes, I do have a lot to learn about biting my tongue. We were both under stress and he has a way of internalizing things, while I end up being pretty vocal about them.

Are you for real?

Holy cow.

Being pretty vocal isn't much of a reason for anyone to leave a committed relationship. You're clearly minimizing the disrespect you've dealt. If this is how you regard your own actions then how can you possibly offer a sincere apology? Unbelievable...

...

Learning to deal with stress has nothing to do with biting your tongue. Dealing with stress entails letting the emotions flow without treating others like complete garbage. If you feel incapable of being respectful at any given moment - make the choice to walk away! Tearing apart at someone is a deliberate choice. You can just as easily make the choice to direct all that rage elsewhere.

 

In the car, I told him that his willingness to just give up on something when thing aren't going perfectly is his downfall. Then I mentioned his ex (they ended it 3 years ago), and said that maybe if he would've tried harder, she would've stayed with him instead of leaving him for the guy she is now married to. That set him off.

 

You're completely wrong. Relationships cannot be forced to work by putting greater effort into it. I'm glad he didn't buy this drivel for one moment. Neither would most people. That's like telling a man to work harder and put up with the disrespect that you shill out. Most men won't be willing to deal with this sort of drama.

 

I definitely regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth, but I had a feeling that he never got over her so it was stuck in my head and came out when I lost my mind. Yes, I know that I was completely in the wrong. I just want to know if this is something that is forgivable or not.

 

If you think it's not, I don't want to bother him.

Now why do I have a hard time buying any of this? Did you really regret 'cutting to the core' of your boyfriend? It sounds more like you regret being confronted with the consequences of your own actions. You've done nothing but minimize your role in this, all while focusing so much on your own fear of abandonment. I'm starting to understand why he left. I think that you probably have a longer history of 'being vocal' than you'll ever freely discuss.

 

Good luck!

[whatdreamsmaycome]

 

The simplest guideline you may create for yourself is just one idea: If you couldn't say something to your boss then you shouldn't say it just because you're alone with someone.

 

I agree that this could be a decent guideline, but I'd never be able to flirt with anyone privately.

 

 

You're clearly minimizing the disrespect you've dealt. If this is how you regard your own actions then how can you possibly offer a sincere apology? Unbelievable...

 

And what part of "I feel terrible, I regret it, it was awful, I'm a terrible person" is implying that I'm trying to minimize the disrespect I've dealt? Try to read more posts before you try to dish that out.

 

If you feel incapable of being respectful at any given moment - make the choice to walk away! Tearing apart at someone is a deliberate choice. You can just as easily make the choice to direct all that rage elsewhere.

 

Again, someone needs to read my posts before making assumptions or omissions about what has or hasn't been done. Like I said, I confessed to him how my nature is and I gave him several "outs". He knew what he was getting into, and he had a choice to walk away and chose not to. Even after I tried to convince him it would end this way.

 

 

Now why do I have a hard time buying any of this? Did you really regret 'cutting to the core' of your boyfriend? It sounds more like you regret being confronted with the consequences of your own actions. You've done nothing but minimize your role in this, all while focusing so much on your own fear of abandonment. I'm starting to understand why he left. I think that you probably have a longer history of 'being vocal' than you'll ever freely discuss.

 

Good luck!

 

You sound quite bitter... and yet after all that writing, did not give me any clearer picture of what is going on. Good luck to you as well.

 

I've had some time to think about everything and honestly. I gave him outs, and when I lashed out due to abandonment issues I had warned him about, I immediately apologized. I do feel bad, but I'm starting to think that this is better for BOTH of us, so I can learn to resolve the issues at hand, on my own, and so that he has a chance to be in a healthy relationship.

 

Thanks to all who gave constructive advice and criticism, especially you, Chi, if I ever feel that I have resolved my issues, I will take your advice to earn him back. Thank you.

[bluegreen]

Ouch you told him if he was better man all around in full sense of the word he would have stayed. OUCH girl that was hateful low bellow the belt take rusted knife and cut me with it thing then add some salt to do wound and rub in real deep.

 

He is not gonna forget this one I assure you that but if you are very very lucky and he loves you in time not a chance in hell now he might forgive you.

 

From time to time reach out apologize and mean hell out of it and do what you can but don't pressure him or anything.

If you loose him this will be lesson well learned not to run your mouth like that ever again.

 

 

 

PS: We all said bad things to loved ones so we are not trying to make you devil here but girl you really messed up here.

[Radu]

A girlfriend disrespecting the boyfriend is a very sore issue for me as i have quite some history of putting up with it.

 

However, in this case i have to say that maybe he is overreacting.

I can't see why he would do this, unless there was a pattern of this sort of thing going on.

[bluegreen]

Raduuuu HON : ))) been ages since I saw you here.

Nope I have to respectfully disagree he did not over react.

She used something that once made him bleed and threw it in his face wanting to punish him for some of the hurt he caused her.

 

We understand her we understand him as well neither is right but in this case she should have bitten her tongue off rather then do this.

[lollipopspot]

He was being very short with me, so I told him he was acting like an ayhole. He got upset and told me if I think that then "this" is over and proceeded to drive me home. In the car, I told him that his willingness to just give up on something when thing aren't going perfectly is his downfall. Then I mentioned his ex (they ended it 3 years ago), and said that maybe if he would've tried harder, she would've stayed with him instead of leaving him for the guy she is now married to. That set him off.

 

Hey, I personally don't see you as the only one to damage the relationship here.

 

He's the first one who jumped to the relationship being over, rather than saying, "I'm sorry for being really short with you, but please don't call me an ass," or whatever. If you were married, he threw out the "divorce" word first.

 

You both have communication issues. He needs to watch his moods and being short with people, and jumping to call things off with his girlfriend without problem-solving. That's not a way to handle a relationship.

 

And what you said is probably true. Apparently he does threaten to end relationships when things get difficult. You said it in anger and in an in-artful way, but it seems true enough.

 

I'd just say sorry, we have some communication issues and we both need to learn how to have disagreements better, and talk about it. If you both still want to be together. I wouldn't trust though that this pattern of his will change though, unless he's motivated. You should still try to work on your own tongue though, for future relationships.

[lollipopspot]

Last night, it was so painful that he was ready to give up so easily, ready to throw everything away and never speak to me again.

 

What you said should not be unforgivable, if you are both otherwise mature and have halfway decent communication and problem-solving skills.

 

If he dumps you over this, despite apologies and attempts to communicate, then I'd say it's better that it end sooner rather than later. In an otherwise good relationship, you would both try to figure out how to fight without pushing each others' buttons so that you don't get to this level. But it seems that it may be his pattern to cut and run when things get hard.

 

Everyone makes verbal mistakes from time to time and says things that in retrospect they really wish they hadn't. There are very, very few things that should be unforgivable, in an otherwise fine relationship.