frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hello there. First of all, we've been in a relationship for about 3 years. Everything was going great, execept for the fact that I haven't really grown personallyy during this time, something that she has always been saying "do more for yourself ". I always said i will but never really took action. The last months i felt she was getting more distant, but i though everything will be ok begining with this summer as i was moving out in my own place and getting a new job. She never said anything about breaking up but i could notice some things were bothering her, things i know will work out after this period. One day, we were hanging out at her place and i told her i love her, and knowing she hasn't said this to me in some time i asked her if she still loves me, to which she said she doesn't know. Then she said we should take a break for her to analyse herself. 4 days later she said we should breal up as she doesn't love me anymore. She loves me as a friend but no longer has that love and attraction that o lover has. The truth is we always got along great and would disscus about everything. A problem we identified is that we've become to much friends. She said she looks at and is attracted to other guys and we should end it now before it deteriorates and she might end up cheating and fighting with me, and that i donm't deserve that. Two weeks of no contact after this, i called her to meet. Everything was great, we were talking like best friends. I told her how much all of this meant and that it was a rock bottom moment for me and that I started changing my life. At one point she said "it's like talking to a different person", and this gave me hopes. We agreed that we can never know what the future will hold but i shoudn't hope for anything... just get on with my life. She said she wanted to remain friends (as we were friends before the relationship and always got along great). Now it has been 3 days since we last talked. I miss her so much, i told her i can't be friends right now as i love her so much. She said we shouldn't see each other for a while and she hopes i will get over this soon and don't suffer too much. Now i'm not contacting her with the hope that she will miss me and come back. I think she might just want to see what else there is. I told her that the attraction is normal to fade after some time. I know i would be for the best if i don't hope, but i can't help myself. Any opinions ?
RDawg Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 (edited) Ouch. Three years is a long time. Sounds like you are still young? Was this your first serious relationship? People fall in love, they fall out of love. It sucks but there is not much you can do. Go no contact. Complete and utter no contact. Explain to her that you need this time to heal. Do not respond to breadcrumbs. Try and accept that she does not love you. It will hurt for many months so prepare yourself for that. Do not act on the 'hope'. The hope or denial of the reality that she is gone is there to protect you from having to deal with the full force of the trauma all at once. It is a built in psychological coping mechanism and that hope will eventually fade as the months go by. Work on yourself. Be careful of alcohol if you do drink. If you are going to sleep around always protect yourself. Take care. And know this: it does get better, thank God. Edited March 28, 2014 by RDawg 3
a0009 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You shouls let her go because she does not love you anymore. Your consolidation is that she told you she does not love you and She is not attracted to you and wants to experience being single or getting other guys. She did you a favor by letting you know how she feels. My sixth sense on this is let her go and keep NC after sometime she may realize she still loves you and come back or she completely does not love you anymore. If you love someone let her go and if she comes back she loved you. I see some hope of her coming back but do not rely on it.
David87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Ouch. Three years is a long time. Sounds like you are still young? Was this your first serious relationship? People fall in love, they fall out of love. It sucks but there is not much you can do. Go no contact. Complete and utter no contact. Explain to her that you need this time to heal. Do not respond to breadcrumbs. Try and accept that she does not love you. It will hurt for many months so prepare yourself for that. Do not act on the 'hope'. The hope or denial of the reality that she is gone is there to protect you from having to deal with the full force of the trauma all at once. It is a built in psychological coping mechanism and that hope will eventually fade as the months go by. Work on yourself. Be careful of alcohol if you do drink. If you are going to sleep around always protect yourself. Take care. And know this: it does get better, thank God. Don't explain anything just go NC. Delete her phone number and block her on FB. 1
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 well, for me it was the first serious relationship. Before this we were friends and have known each other for a long time. She was the one who pursued me and for quite some time. She had been in a previous relationship which made her suffer a lot. She told me at one point that she saw that i couldn;t be one to make her suffer and in time we fell in love, made plans and all that... I mainly think that my attitude and lack of ambition is what drove her away ( she is very ambitoius) and always said to do more for myself. It is because of this i still keep hope as i am really changing. I asked her that is one day she sees she made a mistake, will she come to me? as i know she kind of sticks to what she says, but she said she would and that in this case she will pursue her happiness, like she did with me before.
David87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Don't hope that one day she may come back. Usually things tend to happen when you least expect them. 1
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 one more thing, the second day after i talked to her 3 days ago, i talked to one of her friends and asked if she had talked to her and what did she say. She told me that she almost wanted to come to me that day as we were talking. I did not push her in any way, did not beg of anything, we just talked about what our relationship has meant to us and what went wrong, at one point we were even laughing... it was the strangest thing, i still feel so good with her. Maybe the problem was we became to much friends. At one point i told her that this is not normal... falling from lover to friendzone... and we found this funny. She's just so great and the thought that i can't do anything about the situation in unbearable. I miss her so much. After so much time of talking daily to nothing... she has become my best friend and she said the same about me and wants to still be friends, but she would understand if i will not want this.
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 when i felt said i called her.... when i was happy i called her... and now i just want to tell her how i feel but at the same time i don't want tio drive her away and maybe one day we can be true friends, or togheter again as i am hoping now
David87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 NO NO NO ! It's a trap, don't be her friend, she dumped you, she doesn't consider you good enough to be her boyfriend but she likes you as a friend. Being in the friendzone sucks trust me. Start NC because this ship has sailed, read the thread in my signature it will help you. 1
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 thanks David. I try to tell myself that only when i lose hope can i be with her again... and if doesn't work out at least i'm over it. I want to take the time until we speak again to improve myself and eventually make see that i'm someone she wants to spend her life with. And my strongest point is that we get along so well in converstions. 1
mammasita Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 You sound like you need to get yourself together, worry about you and your life. Do that and I can pretty much say with a good deal of certainty that you may see that she's not the person you'll find yourself wanting to be with in the long run. 1
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 right now i just think that she is. I don't get close to people easily, it took quite some time to tell her i love her, but once i get attached it something to last... The truth is she never gave me reasons not to trust her, has not cheated on me or things like this. And all of this makes it so hard. Accepting i won't be with her again seems impossible
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 i lasted two weeks with NC, and when we talked a few days ago everything went so well (she thought about getting back togheter) and this makes me wonder that if long enough NC will ruin our chances. I think about talking to her again in about 1-2 weeks. I live in a small city (150.000) and the chances of meeting are pretty high, at least if i dont see her it might be easier, but the second i do my heart starts racing again, in truth is has been racing for three weeks now.
David87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Give her the opportunity to miss you and to see how it is without you in her life. Just disappear for awhile. 1
RDawg Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Have you tried the crying and begging yet? Maybe if your push her a bit to change her mind you will start to understand what is happening. Because you know what she will do? She will start to get irritated and then angry that you do not understand or accept her decision. She does not love you. You are not who she wants as her man. She does not want to have sex with you. She does not want to cuddle you. She does not want your babies. Sorry for sounding harsh but the sooner you accept what is happening the sooner you can start getting better. I'm not joking about begging her for another chance. Do it and see what happens. 2
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 that is what i am trying, and i just feel like people need to constantly tell me this for me to get it through my head. Everyone says it will be all right in time... either bakc togheter, either get over her. And that last thought... i am even scared of getting over her... Time will tell... but when you're in the moment it just sucks so bad. I need to hear things over and over every couple of days. I have already apologized to my friends in advance for the nagging that will come but if i don't say or write these things i am just going to end up calling her. She's the first person i went to tell with everything.
David87 Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Have you tried the crying and begging yet? Maybe if your push her a bit to change her mind you will start to understand what is happening. Because you know what she will do? She will start to get irritated and then angry that you do not understand or accept her decision. She does not love you. You are not who she wants as her man. She does not want to have sex with you. She does not want to cuddle you. She does not want your babies. Sorry for sounding harsh but the sooner you accept what is happening the sooner you can start getting better. I'm not joking about begging her for another chance. Do it and see what happens. And I thought that I was mean to him lol But it's for his own good.
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 i only cried when she told me she wants to break up. I haven't begged a second. I don't want to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, i just want her to find it in her heart, see what we have and come back. I will leave her alone... maybe i'll get over... maybe she'll change her mind... maybe she'll change it when it;s too late
d0nnivain Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 NC isn't about making her miss you so that she will come back. If you want her back, open a line of communication & talk to her. It probably won't work because I suspect that this relationship has simply run it's course. It's not a matter of becoming too close as friends. The best romances have a friendship foundation. My husband was somebody I dated & we have grown into great friends / play mates. That in no way detracts from the romantic aspects of the relationship but instead strengthens it. You admit that she was encouraging you to grow as a person but you didn't do anything in that regard. She got bored over time because she was seeing herself grow & change while you remained stagnant. That is probably what gradually diminished her feelings toward you. In the end the best thing you can do for yourself is prove her right. Move forward. Mature. Live your life. As much as it's a cliché, first loves rarely last. this one just came to its end. It's time to let that go -- as much as it hurts -- & get on with your life. The healing process won't happen over night but it has to begin. 1
mantlefan Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 Hello there. First of all, we've been in a relationship for about 3 years. Everything was going great, execept for the fact that I haven't really grown personallyy during this time, something that she has always been saying "do more for yourself ". I always said i will but never really took action. The last months i felt she was getting more distant, but i though everything will be ok begining with this summer as i was moving out in my own place and getting a new job. She never said anything about breaking up but i could notice some things were bothering her, things i know will work out after this period. One day, we were hanging out at her place and i told her i love her, and knowing she hasn't said this to me in some time i asked her if she still loves me, to which she said she doesn't know. Then she said we should take a break for her to analyse herself. 4 days later she said we should breal up as she doesn't love me anymore. She loves me as a friend but no longer has that love and attraction that o lover has. The truth is we always got along great and would disscus about everything. A problem we identified is that we've become to much friends. She said she looks at and is attracted to other guys and we should end it now before it deteriorates and she might end up cheating and fighting with me, and that i donm't deserve that. Two weeks of no contact after this, i called her to meet. Everything was great, we were talking like best friends. I told her how much all of this meant and that it was a rock bottom moment for me and that I started changing my life. At one point she said "it's like talking to a different person", and this gave me hopes. We agreed that we can never know what the future will hold but i shoudn't hope for anything... just get on with my life. She said she wanted to remain friends (as we were friends before the relationship and always got along great). Now it has been 3 days since we last talked. I miss her so much, i told her i can't be friends right now as i love her so much. She said we shouldn't see each other for a while and she hopes i will get over this soon and don't suffer too much. Now i'm not contacting her with the hope that she will miss me and come back. I think she might just want to see what else there is. I told her that the attraction is normal to fade after some time. I know i would be for the best if i don't hope, but i can't help myself. Any opinions ? So many similarities to my own story. We can still talk like friends, she cares about my pain allegedly, I have made some positive changes since the BU but I shouldn't get my hopes up that we will get back together. Then I find out 5 months after the BU she started to pursue my friend 2 weeks after the BU. If there was one sentence I wish I would have heard right ASAP after the breakup, instead of seeing it after discovering LS right after I found out about her and my friend, it would be this: "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" If I had realized that sooner (and I am not saying I have fully realized it yet, but getting closer), I would have saved myself a lot of heartache from her lies, confusion from her mixed signals, and time and money from the gifts I sent her. 1
Author frankcf Posted March 28, 2014 Author Posted March 28, 2014 thanks for sharing. As i said, she has never given me any reason not to trust her, maybe if she had it would have been easier. It is just so hard to let go. My friend said i can only talk to her again when i won't be desperate, let time pass and after a while talk to her again. Perspective takes time to come togheter. Maybe i will change my mind by then but right now, it is too recent in order for anything i have to say to actually mean something, as i am very emotional now
Strength in Healing Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I'm sorry brother, but listen, it is over. I had to swallow a very similar pill after four years. Once she said she isn't in love with you anymore, it was over. There is no way to get her back, it is done. You won't win her back. She acted on the loss of the feelings, and that's the end of the show brother. You have to accept you have no power to get her back. Look forward and don't contact her. She isn't waiting for you to change. She isn't waiting for magic words. She is trying in her head to think how to keep moving on without hurting you TOO much. It's over.
mantlefan Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 thanks for sharing. As i said, she has never given me any reason not to trust her, maybe if she had it would have been easier. It is just so hard to let go. My friend said i can only talk to her again when i won't be desperate, let time pass and after a while talk to her again. Perspective takes time to come togheter. Maybe i will change my mind by then but right now, it is too recent in order for anything i have to say to actually mean something, as i am very emotional now I guess I am obsessing a little bit about this issue of trust. I am also really wanting her to know how much she hurt me. I want her to see it was wrong, and I want her to acknowledge that and be truly sorry. But then I got to thinking. If I don't let go, and hold onto either the hope that she will want me back, the hope that he will feel guilty, or both, what is the best that could happen? Realistically, she would feel guilty, get back with me for a little while, feel like she gave it another chance so her guilt would be reduced, and dump me again, probably a little more honestly this time. It's good you are using the words "let go" even if you aren't even close to actually doing that yet.
flight E Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 I think most of us men, me included, need serious lessons in women. Despite what they say, they have a patern of behaviour which is fairly predictable. They want a strong man, a mysterious man, they don't want a fall in love guy, they want a guy who is mean but is very capable of it. They want a man who is kind and not nice. Most of all, they want a guy who doesn't give a **** if they want to breakup. Follow this rules bro and all your problems with women are over
flight E Posted March 28, 2014 Posted March 28, 2014 For the girl you are talkin about consider it booth camp train yourself to be the man women don't breakup with. Never speak to her again. You already seem pathetic crying don't harm your dignity anymore
Recommended Posts