should i or shouldn't i

[iggy]

i'am wondering if i should tell my ex- boyfriend that i stil have feelings for him.i briefly chatted with him on-line today,he didn't seem too receptive,i'am wondering if i should pursue my feelings i still have for him, excuse the typing i just got home from a x-mas party and had a little too much wine

[sandy]

i'am wondering if i should tell my ex- boyfriend that i stil have feelings for him.i briefly chatted with him on-line today,

he didn't seem too receptive

wondering if i should pursue my feelings i still have for him, excuse the typing i just got home from a x-mas party and had a little too much wine

No you shouldn't......( he didn't seem too receptive)

 

there are reasons he is your ex.

 

Xmas its feb. ??

[Tony T]

Yes, if you've been to a Christmas Pary that lasted well over a month, I would agree you've probably had a little too much to drink. Could you get me an invitation to this party next year?

 

Once you sober up, your thinking may be different. Anytime there's a break up, unless it was a really raunchy deal there will always be feelings that continue for a while. It's really empty and sad and that's normal.

 

Getting back into a relationship that called for a break up is not exactly something you want to do. Feelings and getting along are two different things. You've even said your ex does not sound very receptive.

 

But it won't make things any worse if you do talk to him, let him know your feelings, let him know you would be open to getting back together. The worst thing that can happen is he can tell you he's not up for that, that's not where he wants to go...and your position will be exactly the same as it is now but then you wil be able to move on with your life instead of being stuck emotionally. It seems you need some kind of finality here that you don't have yet. You need to hear him tell you it's O V E R.

 

But maybe he's up to another go with it, you'll never know unless you ask. Do that soon and get on with your life. He might just get back with you so he can go to the Christmas party with you next year. See you there!!!

[Rachel]

Tony, regarding closure and your advice to me below(which I found helpful), my question is, I feel like I should go on with my life, even though my ex said, Be Patient With me.

 

What do you think that comment meant? and how should I get closure from such an open ended comment.

 

I am completely O.K. with waiting for a period of time, in the sense that I am still in a lot of pain and hopeful that he will get his act together. But I am confused as to his comment.

 

If I don't hear from him in the next 4 weeks, assume it is TOTALLY over or what?

 

Help. Please give me concrete advice.

[Tony T]

You have to understand, it is extremely difficult for most people with any level of feelings to tell someone to get lost, get out of their life, disappear, it is over, etc. So they say little things like..."be patient with me." Well, hell, be patient about what? You have to use your good, rational common sense here.

 

This be "patient with me" thing is just his way of hoping you use the time you're being patient with him to find someone else. Yes, some people will use that line to keep another on a string if efforts to secure the love or attention of another fail. That makes me want to puke!!!

 

If you have any self respect and dignity at all, you will back away from this dude and get on your way. Nobody, I mean nobody who really loves, cares for, and wants to be in a relationship with somebody, is going to give you that line. You have absolutely NO IDEA how often I used to hear that from girls. I mean all the time. It took it happening a good ten times for me to finally realize what kind of a crap line it is.

 

There is a book, I think you can still get it through Barnes and Noble online (www.bn.com) called "Ambiguous Loss"...How to live with unresolved loss, now available pretty cheap in paperback. It is absolutely great to help deal with situations like this. There are just times when you have to enforce your own feelings, take charge of your life, stop letting other human beings who have little interest in your welfare control you so much.

 

Ambiguous loss occurs when we fail to get closure...things sort of stay open. One way it occurs is if a loved one goes into alzheimers and, though living, ceases to be able to have meaningful exchanges with us, such as former President Reagan. Mrs. Reagan is no longer able to relate to her husband in any way and this is no less a loss than if he had died...it is an ambigous loss.

 

If a guy you're dating won't just tell you to kiss off but keeps you hoping and on a string, you have an ambigous loss. If you love yourself, you will do everything you can to resolve that and move on. If you don't value your time and you enjoy being manipulated and jerked around because you LLLUUUUUVVVVVVVVEEEEEE somebody, then you are guaranteed a pretty pathetic life. I know, I've been there but thankfully caught on soon enough.

 

Why are you OK with waiting a period of time? What for? Why should you sit around like a murderer on trial waiting to see if the jury is going to give you the death penalty or let you off? Most of those dudes know what they're gonna get anyway. Why should you sit around while a guy decides if he wants you are not. Can you see how pathetically ridiculous that is? Aren't you glad your mother didn't tell the doctor at your birth to keep you in some other ward until she decided whether or not she wanted to keep you???

 

Sorry to be so hard on you. We see things much differently when we think we love somebody and we want things to work so very much. But the view from the outside is oh so much different.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him to kiss my butt NOW and call it OVER right NOW!!! Who needs a dude who has to take time out to think about how he feels about you. Screeeewwwww him!!! YUK!!!

 

People who try to use others by keeping them on a string or who don't have enough guts to tell them how they feel straight out really piss me off. So sorry.

 

Go with your feelings and get on with your life. You can never go wrong honoring your feelings. Our feelings are all we'll ever really own.

[iggy]

your funny tony, no,no,no,the x-mas party didn't last a month it just started last night,oh boy, do i have a hang over today,i'am so glad i didn't e-mail him last night,ya know, i'am afraid to tell him how i feel,my pride is in the way,and what if he says "it's over " and i know it's over,i would feel sooooo stupid,actually he is already living with a girl,so what does that say? to me it says,he is over me, he has gotten on with his life and i have toooo much pride after all this time to tell him i want to make it work? we all fear rejection,something i'am not too used to, but i just can't help but wonder if it would be different now?

Yes, if you've been to a Christmas Pary that lasted well over a month, I would agree you've probably had a little too much to drink. Could you get me an invitation to this party next year?

 

Once you sober up, your thinking may be different. Anytime there's a break up, unless it was a really raunchy deal there will always be feelings that continue for a while. It's really empty and sad and that's normal. Getting back into a relationship that called for a break up is not exactly something you want to do. Feelings and getting along are two different things. You've even said your ex does not sound very receptive. But it won't make things any worse if you do talk to him, let him know your feelings, let him know you would be open to getting back together. The worst thing that can happen is he can tell you he's not up for that, that's not where he wants to go...and your position will be exactly the same as it is now but then you wil be able to move on with your life instead of being stuck emotionally. It seems you need some kind of finality here that you don't have yet. You need to hear him tell you it's O V E R. But maybe he's up to another go with it, you'll never know unless you ask. Do that soon and get on with your life. He might just get back with you so he can go to the Christmas party with you next year. See you there!!!

[Nic]

hi rachel,

 

i fully agree with tony.

 

one of my exes used that line on me. he knew i wanted to be with him and told me to be patient. i was patient, and i never heard from him again. how much of an idiot did i feel waiting for him to come back to me. the time i spent waiting for him to come, could have been time spent on trying to get over him. it is a big let down being told to "be patient". i also believe it is a big cop-out.

 

telling someone to be patient is basically the gentle way of saying, "not likely". when someone doesn't want to hurt your feelings, they will sugar coat their real feelings with vague comments such as "be patient". these comments are hardly fair at all. it only causes you to hang onto false hope.

 

i know how hard it is to let go, especially when you really love someone with all your heart. but sometimes you have to. and if you can have such feelings for one person, you will certainly have feelings for someone else like that again. the key is to *be patient with yourself*. do not have patience for anyone else, and do not wait for someone to come around. because they most likely won't.

 

use this time to focus all your energies on yourself, and not on someone less responsive. plan a holiday, do a course, learn a language, go out with friends.....do constructive things for yourself and you will find yourself getting on with your life.

 

if he truly wants you, he will come back. but in the meantime, stay true to yourself and focus on you. because if he doesn't come back, at least you won't be so crushed because you have already moved on.

 

take care

 

You have to understand, it is extremely difficult for most people with any level of feelings to tell someone to get lost, get out of their life, disappear, it is over, etc. So they say little things like..."be patient with me." Well, hell, be patient about what? You have to use your good, rational common sense here. This be "patient with me" thing is just his way of hoping you use the time you're being patient with him to find someone else. Yes, some people will use that line to keep another on a string if efforts to secure the love or attention of another fail. That makes me want to puke!!!

 

If you have any self respect and dignity at all, you will back away from this dude and get on your way. Nobody, I mean nobody who really loves, cares for, and wants to be in a relationship with somebody, is going to give you that line. You have absolutely NO IDEA how often I used to hear that from girls. I mean all the time. It took it happening a good ten times for me to finally realize what kind of a crap line it is. There is a book, I think you can still get it through Barnes and Noble online (www.bn.com) called "Ambiguous Loss"...How to live with unresolved loss, now available pretty cheap in paperback. It is absolutely great to help deal with situations like this. There are just times when you have to enforce your own feelings, take charge of your life, stop letting other human beings who have little interest in your welfare control you so much. Ambiguous loss occurs when we fail to get closure...things sort of stay open. One way it occurs is if a loved one goes into alzheimers and, though living, ceases to be able to have meaningful exchanges with us, such as former President Reagan. Mrs. Reagan is no longer able to relate to her husband in any way and this is no less a loss than if he had died...it is an ambigous loss. If a guy you're dating won't just tell you to kiss off but keeps you hoping and on a string, you have an ambigous loss. If you love yourself, you will do everything you can to resolve that and move on. If you don't value your time and you enjoy being manipulated and jerked around because you LLLUUUUUVVVVVVVVEEEEEE somebody, then you are guaranteed a pretty pathetic life. I know, I've been there but thankfully caught on soon enough. Why are you OK with waiting a period of time? What for? Why should you sit around like a murderer on trial waiting to see if the jury is going to give you the death penalty or let you off? Most of those dudes know what they're gonna get anyway. Why should you sit around while a guy decides if he wants you are not. Can you see how pathetically ridiculous that is? Aren't you glad your mother didn't tell the doctor at your birth to keep you in some other ward until she decided whether or not she wanted to keep you??? Sorry to be so hard on you. We see things much differently when we think we love somebody and we want things to work so very much. But the view from the outside is oh so much different.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him to kiss my butt NOW and call it OVER right NOW!!! Who needs a dude who has to take time out to think about how he feels about you. Screeeewwwww him!!! YUK!!!

 

People who try to use others by keeping them on a string or who don't have enough guts to tell them how they feel straight out really piss me off. So sorry. Go with your feelings and get on with your life. You can never go wrong honoring your feelings. Our feelings are all we'll ever really own.

[iggy]

Yes, if you've been to a Christmas Pary that lasted well over a month, I would agree you've probably had a little too much to drink. Could you get me an invitation to this party next year?

 

Once you sober up, your thinking may be different. Anytime there's a break up, unless it was a really raunchy deal there will always be feelings that continue for a while. It's really empty and sad and that's normal. Getting back into a relationship that called for a break up is not exactly something you want to do. Feelings and getting along are two different things. You've even said your ex does not sound very receptive. But it won't make things any worse if you do talk to him, let him know your feelings, let him know you would be open to getting back together. The worst thing that can happen is he can tell you he's not up for that, that's not where he wants to go...and your position will be exactly the same as it is now but then you wil be able to move on with your life instead of being stuck emotionally. It seems you need some kind of finality here that you don't have yet. You need to hear him tell you it's O V E R. But maybe he's up to another go with it, you'll never know unless you ask. Do that soon and get on with your life. He might just get back with you so he can go to the Christmas party with you next year. See you there!!!