italianjob Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 The guy is an obvious player. Don't fall for his bulls**t. I know it's hard but you have to let him go, you can do better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 He made a choice. He chose to try and fix his marriage and family. What he's doing now? Not only is he misleading her.. He's toying with you. You know this is not good for you. If he really loved you, he'd let you go. What he's doing proves to you that the man you thought you knew and lived with is an illusion . Keep telling yourself that. I'm sorry he's making this harder for you. You deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Your in a tough spot, I think we all know the right & wrong of it so I just want to give you one more thing to think of.... Living with your wife you have seen her not looking her best, yelling at the child, hair messed up in grungy clothes, body "imperfections" from child bearing....I am describing a real woman in real life....but the OW well only seeing her a few times a year, she always looks good, smells good, shes carefree, not cleaning toilets, cooking & being a Mom... Of COURSE she looks more attractive, JUST like your wife did when you first met her. Your ow may seem ideal now but i do believe its the fantasy. But when you live with someone, and their morning breath, messy hair, household bills, responsibility, then tje familiarity kills the passion, when they have the flu, gain weight, have family and work issues.....all these things, you will see with your OW just like you see with your wife. You wont have the same fantasy you do of her now when the every day together sets inm the "new sex" wears off. And beyond that your relationship with ow will be strained by your newfound child support & shared custody & co parenting arguments. Its not going to be the fairy tale you feel it will be. It ended for a reason with her way back when. I say the Same reason & reality will set back in. I dont know what to say about reinvestingin your marriage but i do know love is a decision. It often times is like vanilla ice cream, just plain eevery day simple love. Passion every second is not realistic. But dating your wife again, talking to her, growing with her, reflecting about her and getting flowers and seeking fun. ...simple ways you can maybe see her as new. I would chalk OW up to a mistake, get back on track with reality. Affairs are addictive and fun, but your throwing alot away for a fantasy that is just not real life. Just like a new car, its beautiful & smells nice, your proud of it....but...it gets dirty, scratched, eventually runs down and gets old. Re engage with your best and faithful friend is my vote. And work on YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 When someone creates a drama in their lives (that's you) like this, it's often because there is something they're trying to avoid. Nothing like an affair to distract you from the stuff that your running away from into a never ending fantasy. Because this won't end. You can go to your grave with your head stuck where it is now if you don't save yourself. Go see a counselor or someone who will help you look at and live in your own skin and in your own life instead of a fantasy. This could be the beginning of the best phase of your life if you pay attention to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 He made a choice. He chose to try and fix his marriage and family. What he's doing now? Not only is he misleading her.. He's toying with you. You know this is not good for you. If he really loved you, he'd let you go. What he's doing proves to you that the man you thought you knew and lived with is an illusion . Keep telling yourself that. I'm sorry he's making this harder for you. You deserve better I know Cali and despite my devastation, I was truly trying to respect his choice. I wonder now if he is a serial cheater as he seemed almost proud that he has charmed his wife into believing his remorse, said she is doing everything to keep him happy, that she was lost without him, etc. He said our relationship was real and his feelings remain the same for me, he loves me blah blah, but needed to be with his family. He even said he would love for both me and his wife to live with him together!!! I thought he was joking but I'm not sure he was now! I need to shut the door, I have had a lucky escape and he is not the man I thought he was by a long way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey1982 Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Your in a tough spot, I think we all know the right & wrong of it so I just want to give you one more thing to think of.... Living with your wife you have seen her not looking her best, yelling at the child, hair messed up in grungy clothes, body "imperfections" from child bearing....I am describing a real woman in real life....but the OW well only seeing her a few times a year, she always looks good, smells good, shes carefree, not cleaning toilets, cooking & being a Mom... Of COURSE she looks more attractive, JUST like your wife did when you first met her. Your ow may seem ideal now but i do believe its the fantasy. But when you live with someone, and their morning breath, messy hair, household bills, responsibility, then tje familiarity kills the passion, when they have the flu, gain weight, have family and work issues.....all these things, you will see with your OW just like you see with your wife. You wont have the same fantasy you do of her now when the every day together sets inm the "new sex" wears off. And beyond that your relationship with ow will be strained by your newfound child support & shared custody & co parenting arguments. Its not going to be the fairy tale you feel it will be. It ended for a reason with her way back when. I say the Same reason & reality will set back in. I dont know what to say about reinvestingin your marriage but i do know love is a decision. It often times is like vanilla ice cream, just plain eevery day simple love. Passion every second is not realistic. But dating your wife again, talking to her, growing with her, reflecting about her and getting flowers and seeking fun. ...simple ways you can maybe see her as new. I would chalk OW up to a mistake, get back on track with reality. Affairs are addictive and fun, but your throwing alot away for a fantasy that is just not real life. Just like a new car, its beautiful & smells nice, your proud of it....but...it gets dirty, scratched, eventually runs down and gets old. Re engage with your best and faithful friend is my vote. And work on YOU. Thanks herself....I needed this today and YOUR words are thoughts are hard to hear but so true...so many of us need to keep reminding ourselves of the reality of all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 Thank you to everyone who has responded to my thread. It has helped me enormously. I think I am now processing everything he said to me and seeing it for what it truly is. BS!! He just wants sex and an ego boost from me when it suits him while he has his family life intact. He must feel so powerful that he has two women loving him so much, it makes me want to be sick. He only truly cares about himself and is a selfish man. Thanks again. Your support and advice is worth more than you know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 You aren't broken, hon. He is. Not you! Sorry but I have to disagree. I think Dev's lack of self esteem is evident in practically every post she's made. That is the definition of broken. But the great thing is that she's acknowledged it and wants to get help fixing it. That shows great strength of character. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted March 29, 2014 Author Share Posted March 29, 2014 Sorry but I have to disagree. I think Dev's lack of self esteem is evident in practically every post she's made. That is the definition of broken. But the great thing is that she's acknowledged it and wants to get help fixing it. That shows great strength of character. I think there is truth in this, I feel very down about my choices of men throughout my life, they've all let me down badly in different ways and I am wondering why I am even in a place where I am considering someone's crumbs. I know I am worth more than that but there is a part of me that feels maybe this is the best I am going to get. One thing I do know, I am going to fix it and hopefully find happiness with someone who is available to love me properly :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 If you want, PM me when you can. I think you have to get to 100 posts first but not sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Devestated, He broke your heart. You lived together, he made promises and then he broke all of then and YOUR heart. Stay strong and keep healing but please don't go back. You will live to love again - I promise you. But you have to see that contact with him is the one thing that keeps you from your future, a better life, the real love of your life and all the happiness you deserve. Don't cheat your future. Your future you is waiting on you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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