Verbally Abusive Husband.

[Anastasia1960]

Hi,

 

I am an expatriate wife; my husband and I are originally from the UK. We moved to the USA two years ago, on an overseas assignment with his company.

 

It has been a hard transition for me. I left a very well-paid, satisfying job, and now cannot work here as my visa does not allow this. Also, I cannot study, as this requires a student visa. However, I have tried to be positive, and have made many friends by volunteering and taking community classes.

 

Here is the problem: my husband is becoming increasingly verbally abusive towards me. Usually this occurs in the mornings before he goes to work. If something is out of place, or his shirt isn't nicely ironed, all hell breaks loose, and I am called an "f***ing b**ch", a "useless piece of s**t", and "you sit at home all day doing nothing while I work my a** off for us."

 

I do all the housework, gardening, cooking, grocery shopping, pay the bills, and he thinks I do "nothing?" He says that HE is doing all the hard work, and I should be grateful that he supports me! HE is bringing the money in, so HE should get more respect. He makes all the decisions too, because it's "his" money.

 

My husband's company have now asked him to stay for two more years. I want to leave him and go back to the UK. I am afraid but I can't stand this anymore. He was never like this when I worked.

 

If there are any expat spouses out there, I'd be interested in hearing their advice too.

[mt_joy]

You don't have to put up with it. I don't know the laws regarding work and student visas. Have you checked into them? You deserve so much better than that garbage, Explore your opportunities. Talk to him about it; maybe get couples counseling. Is he willing to better your marriage? Good luck and take care.

 

Joy

MT Student

[Beth]

If this had happened in my marriage I would get us into counseling right away. His company may have a counseling plan that will allow for this. Especially for those transferred to a different country.

 

I would not accept verbal abuse and you shouldn't either. Something is wrong with him right now and he has made you the brunt of his bad feelings. It may not be too late to work it out - but you need to get some professional counseling to help deal with this. If he has changed that much and is verbally abusive now, it could lead to physical abuse.

 

Get your applications in now for student and work visas -- you can ask him to help you because you don't want to be a financial burden, and tell him that you are worried about his health and your marriage because the stress is hurting you both. You might even want to check to see if you can get your old job back, or another job in your home country and think about returning without him. That might shake him up enough to admit he needs some help, and you won't feel so helpless if you are doing something positive for yourself.

 

Also, check in your area for women's shelters if you need to leave in a hurry. Have you made any friends to whom you can turn?

 

One place you might start is with your home country's consulate. I've helped process spouse's applications for work visas and student visas even after the person is in the country. Especially if they came over as a spouse. You may get a limited visa at first, but its a start.

[midori]

You should look into getting your own visa status changed. I recently met a UK couple who have just arrived here because the guy (they're not married) got transferred. His (10+ years) girlfriend is looking for a job; the guy's company arranged her visa status as part of the agreement they made when he took the transfer.

 

There could be different reasons why this troubling dynamic between you and your husband has emerged. The guy I met recently talked about how his boss, who I believe had also been his boss in the UK, and who is British, has been a real jerk since the transfer -- demanding, not around, prone to shifting blame to the team he's supposed to be supervising. There are obviously cultural differences, not just between the larger UK & US societies, but between their corporate cultures as well. Your husband may be struggling with that.

 

I had a little taste of your situation a few years ago when I lived for a few months with a boyfriend who had an overseas post. We were trying to see if we wanted to make it a permanent move for me (ie get married, etc.). That didn't happen, and I have to say that it was not easy for me to be in the position where I was financially dependent upon him. It wasn't a bad time together, and I don't think that's why we broke up. But I hear echoes of what I experienced in your story.

 

It kind of sounds like you feel like you're rather powerless in this situation. I can understand that feeling, but I think for your own sake you ought to try to overcome it. You should look into what getting a different visa would require. Take control of that. Check with the British consulate, get the preliminary paperwork. Don't be defeatist or passive. I know first-hand how hard it is to take steps when you're in a situation that is basically of someone else's making, and you feel like you're just along for the ride, with the assigned role of helping out in whatever small ways you can. Two years is a long time to do that, too long I'd say, and four years would definitely be too long to just be someone else's sidekick. I wonder if perhaps your husband, on some level, is also uncomfortable with the situation -- he perhaps knows that you're bored and just trying to make the best of things. He perhaps wishes on some unconscious level that you would take some initiative to change your situatiuon... but is afraid of suggesting that you do so because he knows you wouldn't have this problem if not for him.

 

I know several men who have been afraid of starting difficult conversations because they were afraid of what might happen if they mentioned a problem. The problem festered and only got worse.

 

My suggestion would be to start a conversation with your husband to gauge how willing he is to stay on another two years. You should raise the tension that has developed between the two of you, and tell him that it seems to you like his job is a real strain on him. Ask him if he'd rather go back to the UK -- not in an accusing way that sounds like "you've become an insufferable jerk since we got here, so we should go back so that you can revert to your nicer self," but in a supportive way that involves lots of open-ended questions that give room for his perspective.

 

But you should also tell him that, his recent antagonism aside, you're not happy in your current situation, and you definitely can't see extending it by another two years. Tell him that the only way you will be willing to stay longer is if your visa status can be changed so that you can work (or study if that's what you'd prefer). Tell him that you're looking into that, and that you cannot give him an answer until you find out what's going to be possible for you on the visa front.

 

Remember, you're still an equal partner in the relationship. You've come along with him to the US, and have put your own work on the back burner, uprooted your social life, etc. -- and that's all well and good, because you're married and married people make sacrifices and compromises for each other. This move could be an opportunity for you, but the move won't be tolerable any longer if it doesn't involve some opportunities for you. Take some initiative in exploring and creating opportunities for yourself. If you find there are none, then maybe you'll have to declare that it's time to head for home. But make that an active decision on your part.

[cnt2infinity]

I was the same way towards my wife. We met in London while she was studying there. We fell in love and I decided to live with her in the US. I became abusive which put a scar on the marriage but having regular counseling sessions I found out that the change in me was due to the change in life. I was homesick and no one really noticed or accepted it. If only support such as simple words saying 'you will be okay', 'do you miss home' or 'I will take care of you' that were given to me on a regular basis then I would have most likely been okay and would have remained the person she met.

 

I guess the thing to do do is not to blame but find the reason behind his behavior. Its not going to come out of him in words.

 

 

Good Luck...

CnT2InFiNiTy

[kttyfocus]

I would be careful about how you approach the subject. He sounds really unstable. You start telling him he is acting different, he is going to get defensive, and probably get very defensive.

 

Look into the visas first. Or if you really want to leave and go back home to the UK, start the planning now. Set aside money, get the paperwork together.

 

But be very careful about what you tell him.

 

Those words he is speaking are signs of something really dangerous brewing. He has stopped respecting you and worse thinks you are worthless from the sound of it.

 

Sounds like this personality change was always in him. No one changes that much. This is who he is. The circumstances just didn't exist for him to show it before. Just imagine if you were sick and needed his help. It's a good thing you found out now.

[nextel]

You dont necessarily need a visa to go to school. You can still go to school without a visa. There is a loophole.

 

As far as you working, you do need to get your papers in order first. The only profession I know in America that needs people and immigration will accomodate is Education. If you can teach at a private school (they are always willing to sponsor) you will get 5 years.

 

Why dont you find an immigration lawyer to consult with? Consultation is around $35. The fact that your husband is working and has a visa does not necessarily mean you cannot get one. You can get a visa. Either do some research or find an immigration lawyer and they will guide you. The law on expariates and diplomats is not that bad.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Anastasia,

I can so relate to you... My h says the same things about me.. He tells my friends i do nothing around the house that is why the house looks the way it does.. He brings in computer crap and band crap and leaves it all around the house and it is my fault!! I do the best i can do .. There are things he will start on and not finish like the bathroom ,the living room,now my daughter's castle bed .. My H will start on something and not finish it .. That is what he does in this relationship.. I know how you feel.. My h with disciplining the kids is the same way he will give them their way so he doesn't have to make the effort or don't have to deal with it... My ss will want to do something and h will say no but he nevers stick to it .. My daughter will cry and ask for something and h will not want to hear and will give in .. I am the person that does the disciplining and always have .. i guess that is why i am always stressed in this relationship cause i am the one pulling my weight.. Good luck hope it all works out.. If you would like to chat pm me ..

[Falcon554]

I have been that way to my wife and it cost me my marriage, its not you. As weird as it sound its not you. He is angry at something and taking it out on you. Try to get some help for him and you.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Anastasia,

Did you say it was your wifes fault for the things you do to her? My h says that to me all the time.. H says it is my fault for the way things are and tells me all the time i need prozac .. I say if i do it is because i live with you.. My h has a very bad temper... We can't comunicate with one another.. If we try it leads to a big huge argument.. i feel i get no respect from my h at all .. i have stopped cooking so much .. i do everything here except bring home the money cause i am a stahm and he always says i could do more.. i do all the disiplining in this house .. my daughter has my h temper and it drives me crazy she too has no respect for me.. pm me and we can talk and i can help understand what i am doing wrong from a man's point of view..