teenage daughter discovered affair

[theperfectlife]

The feelings are either there, or they are not. I can NOT force to feel love......believe me I have tried. I do love my BH a great deal, just not in the same way he loves me. I have been with him more than half my life, and I can't explain how he is more like a brother or room mate. I haven't had any intimate desire to be with him in over 10 yrs. It is a very hard thing to admit to him, never wanting to shatter his world. I realize that betrayal is worse, and wish I hadn't made the mistake.

[Bryanp]

I wish you the best of luck. Unfortunately so many marriages evolve into just roommates. It is very sad but true.

[italianjob]

No, I do not believe that the details I mentioned makes it ok to cheat. Nothing makes it right; I do honestly realize that. I was simply trying to point out that although it is a sin to betray a spouse, I am not a monster. Despite my past behavior, I do believe I can be a loving faithful wife in the future.

 

Perfectlife,

what your past behaviour shows is that you deal with problems in the relationship with cheating. Every relationship, sooner or later, has problems that need to be addressed. So if you really want to be a loving faithful wife in the future you have to change your behaviour patterns, and that's hard work. The first thing you have to work on is this tendency to use the problems in your relationship to justify your cheating. If you keep on not really owning your actions and blaming them on other people or situations, you won't change and will turn to cheating everytime things get rough in your relationships.

 

You're right, we do not know everything, but I'd like to point out that you stated your husband was a "wonderful man" in your first post, and exposed him as a wife (and child) abuser 4 pages later...

[theperfectlife]

He IS a wonderful man. I would never expose this info other than this forum, it really only happened the one time. However, it did make it's mark. He has a temper, this was a prob for us in first decade of our relationship, but he has since controlled it and become more calm. I am not justifying my actions, just merely revealing one of the reasons I feel so distant from him.

[VeronicaRoss]

This was crossing the line

 

Actually you are the one that crossed the line. He was the messenger to help protect an innocent party from your harmful actions.

[VeronicaRoss]

do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

 

You learn to live a life of integrity which means your actions and your words are aligned and you take responsibility that the decision was yours alone, for better and worse.

 

Right now you're in a marriage you're actively sabotaging over and over. That's a pretty clear sign you either don't want to be in that marriage or you love hurting people. I'm going to assume it's the former. So get out of the marriage and let your husband get some peace.

 

My parents divorced and we all agree today it was the best for everyone. What was destructive is they both used affairs to give them the courage to leave, and that caused a ton of problems.

 

So just get out, learn what it is your heart wants from life and make it happen.

[jnel921]

You have had multiple affairs, you only married your H because you realized early on that WOW you could get away with it with no consequence.

 

It sounds like you only care when you get caught with your pants down. If you had these issues 13 years back why not speak to your H, and work on your M?

 

It is sad that your daughter found out and enlisted the help of her BF and her dad to expose you. But then again, what do you expect? How do you expect your family to feel? I don't expect your daughters to be as forgiving as your H. As a matter of fact they may view him differently after this and may be angry that he didn't leave you sooner.

 

Why are you afraid for your life? Because the creature comforts you took for granted all of these years may be taken away from you?

 

Interesting handle you have...theperfectlife? Cant help but think that is coming from someone who likes having their cake and eating it too.

 

Since you do not love your H, respectfully D. Your daughters and BH should go to counseling to get through this and perhaps you should get IC as well to understand your own behavior so that you don't repeat it yet once again.

 

Good Luck to you.

[italianjob]

The feelings are either there, or they are not. I can NOT force to feel love......believe me I have tried. I do love my BH a great deal, just not in the same way he loves me. I have been with him more than half my life, and I can't explain how he is more like a brother or room mate. I haven't had any intimate desire to be with him in over 10 yrs. It is a very hard thing to admit to him, never wanting to shatter his world. I realize that betrayal is worse, and wish I hadn't made the mistake.

 

So leave the marriage. Divorce is better than hurting your husband and your kids with your betrayal.

[jnel921]

I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

 

16 is too young to decide who it is you will be with for the rest of your life. I have a 16 year old and I wouldn't advise her to believe that the current boy she is dating will be with her for the rest of her life. I have told her that in life you will grow and sometimes you grow apart, and if you cannot grow together, then it is a clear sign to leave. Right now my daughter is immature and would have no idea what to do other than have fun with friends, let alone begin a life with a boy.

 

A successful M is a partnership. You both set goals, for fill dreams and try to create the happiest memories possible. Agree to disagree, handle problems together, have an open line of communication. Plan for your future, bring children in this world to make a difference, encourage and support them and give then the love, honor and respect they deserve. Be the best role model. Show them by example what a great parent, H or W should be. Even if you are D, show them you have some type of love or R for their father.

 

I dated a boy at 16 and at 20 I already knew that I wanted to be with other men and that there was no way I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I am almost 46 as well. Have been M twice. My first H is a serial cheater and my second H cheated and we are R. Not because I am sucker. But because he was sincerely remorseful. That makes the difference. Trust me I am not afraid of being alone. After kicking my first H to the curb for his cheating I had my fair share of relationships for which I was grateful for. I feel satisfied that I had my fill of the men that I needed to experience in my life and it wasn't someone else's H!

 

I guess at that age you may not have had that guidance and could not see past the comfy life that your H could provide you at that time. That my dear does not a M make.

Edited March 30, 2014 by jnel921

[aliveagain]

Here's the catch 22, if you leave your husband for the other man, very likely your daughter and other family will blame him for breaking up your marriage. He will be disliked, you have more problems than you think. On the other end, you will be blamed for breaking up his family, his children will very likely not accept you. You and your other man will become an island. You must already be feeling some of this now.

[Hardgrind]

theperfectlife

 

I am a BH (Betrayed Husband) who learned about my wife's affair two months ago. On D-Day I was prepared for my wife to leave me for her AP once she know I had discovered the affair. Instead she surprised me by saying she wanted to be with me and would do what was needed to reconcile. That is still a work in progress and we may or may not make it, there is still a lot of work to do.

 

Because we want to reconcile I have not exposed the affair to friends and family because it would make reconciliation more difficult.

 

In your case though I see two key differences:

1. You don't want to reconcile with your husband

2. The affair has been exposed to friends and family, but not by your husband.

 

My suggestion is for you to initiate the end of your marriage. You are dealing with people unhappy with you already, how much worse will it really be if you head towards divorce? In the long term it will be better for both you and your husband, because right now he thinks there is a chance to save the marriage, when your posts make it pretty clear there is no possibility of this.

 

Once you are divorced, then you will also be able to discover what your OM really has in mind. There is the possibility that he may be elated that you are free, or he may see things differently once you are free to enter a full time relationship with him: it could go either way depending on what he really wants. At least you will know and then everyone can move on with their lives: you, your H and your OM.

[2sunny]

It's obvious that cheating isn't the solution to problems within any marriage... In fact, it makes it nearly impossible to fix the reality at home.

 

The fantasy will never compare to the reality.

 

Now that your daughter knows - is there any way to teach her this lesson? Is there anything she can learn from your actions?

[2sunny]

Maybe we should evaluate her husband why does he choose to tolerate her acting out? why doesn't he initiate the divorce procedures? what man of morals would condone infidelity?

 

Isn't it true his character would imply a variety of attributes including the existence or his lack of virtue, empathy and courage to do what is right. what does this tell us about his habits and good behavior? what is implied is that, he is willing to let her cheat.

 

Isn't true that his goals must predict his behavior?. Hence in order to form that habit, a goal must have been initially present; and the influence of goals on habits is what makes a habit different from other automatic processes in the mind!

 

Why blame her?

 

She is the only one to blame for HER actions.

 

Yes, her husband should take blame for his INACTIONS or rather inability to set any consequences down for his wife's cheating multiple time - and this does also show about his lack of power in the marriage.

 

For the other betrayed spouses reading here - it is proof that no consequences lead to MORE of the same actions by the cheater.

 

 

Her husband may have no boundary and has his own issues to work on - but he didn't MAKE her cheat - she did that on her own.

 

It's best for her to figure out what is broken inside of her that causes her to think this is a solution - that this is ok to cause harm to so many by being that selfish.

 

A better solution would be to get divorced - then do whatever you wish.

[thummper]

WOW, has posting on this site been an eyeopener for me. It has given me an idea of the scrutiny I will endure when finally setting myself and my husband free.

Obviously there are many details and things that have happened over the years that no one knows. Yes, I did cheat. I am not proud of it. I married the man I fell in love with at 16. I wasn't always unhappy, but have been unhappy for many years. I'm on anti-depressants, and have struggled with it over the years. We have little in common, have very different views, and don't share the same dreams for the future. There have also been moments of verbal and physical abuse (only one time he picked me up and threw me on the ground). He also did the same to my out of control defiant daughter.

I tried to stay with him to do the right thing, wait til kids got older, give them the security that they deserve.

So for all the judgmental people out there, you don't always know all facts.

The OM is a decent man as well. We both reconnected and were in the EXACT same position in our marriages. It is not about sex.

Just curious: Do "decent" men participate in helping to break up another man's marriage?

Edited March 30, 2014 by thummper
missing punctuation mark

[BetrayedH]

The feelings are either there, or they are not. I can NOT force to feel love......believe me I have tried. I do love my BH a great deal, just not in the same way he loves me. I have been with him more than half my life, and I can't explain how he is more like a brother or roommate.

 

This is the kind of thinking that is incorrect. It's perfectly possible to find and restore love for your husband again. It's the one thing I agree with in those Harley books. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. Stop giving yourself other options.

[atreides]

I wholeheartedly agree with BetrayedH and a few others here, the grass is indeed greener where you water it.

 

 

However, from what I can see based on your writings here, you just don't love your H, I do not think you ever did based upon your first post via the WOW statement. That was unfair to begin with, you chose stability and life's other details in hopes love would come over love that you had with the other boyfriend, basically the wrong reasons.

 

As BetrayedH said, it is greener where you water it and you can love your H, but not for the wrong reasons. You never really watered the grass to begin with, you just liked how green it looked when it was freshly planted and I think to R again would be unfair to your H and you. It is a vicious cycle you are doing to yourself, H and family.

 

I say this because your situation is not the typical as in having an A fog and thus our responses are to wake you up... no. You know where you are at but just don't know the way out. Your H clearly will forgive you no matter what is thrown at him and thus all that is left is making it clear it is unfair to him because his love is unrequited. The good thing is that most of this is in the open in front of your H, he just does not want to see it. He has rug swept every A and will continue to do so.

 

So again the way out is to tell him his love is unrequited and that it would not be fair to him and your kids to keep really living in denial.

 

Most importantly is to be true to your H, yourself and family, then make the right choices no matter life's little excuses.

Edited March 30, 2014 by atreides

[2sunny]

What actions do you plan to take to repair the harm you've also caused to your daughter?

 

Since you stated you've stayed for the kids - and now she knows that staying includes betraying your husband (her father) she now has a new perspective about what marriage looks like.

 

How can you fix that?

 

 

And I hope she's healthy enough to understand that if your husband imposes consequences for you - that you've earned them.

 

Has your husband decided if there will be any consequences at this juncture - or are you still in the driver's seat?

[sidney2718]

What needs to be considered here is the husband. It seems that he is enough in love with his wife to condone her infidelity.

 

I see no clear answer for the OP. Whatever she does hurts somebody, either her or her husband and possibly the other man as well. The decision isn't easy. It would be much easier if her husband was upset with her.

 

My guess is that it might be best to divorce. That will leave a distraught husband and the other man in a difficult spot because he will now feel pressure to divorce his wife.

 

On the other hand, staying in the marriage will only result in one distraught wife and possibly a very unhappy husband.

 

I wish the original poster (OP) the best of everything. She sure has come up with a doozy of a problem.

[2sunny]

What needs to be considered here is the husband. It seems that he is enough in love with his wife to condone her infidelity.

 

I see no clear answer for the OP. Whatever she does hurts somebody, either her or her husband and possibly the other man as well. The decision isn't easy. It would be much easier if her husband was upset with her.

 

My guess is that it might be best to divorce. That will leave a distraught husband and the other man in a difficult spot because he will now feel pressure to divorce his wife.

 

On the other hand, staying in the marriage will only result in one distraught wife and possibly a very unhappy husband.

 

I wish the original poster (OP) the best of everything. She sure has come up with a doozy of a problem.

 

Except you overlooked what Mom is teaching her daughter by her actions: that when you're unhappy in the marriage - you cheat on Dad - and Dad is very weak and doesn't do anything about it. So Mom just keeps cheating.

 

 

How can your actions fix that for your teen daughter? Because now this is what she thinks is "normal behavior" and is likely to model the same behaviors in her own marriage?

[theperfectlife]

My almost 17 yr old daughter knows that I was wrong, and is very disappointed in me. I have had a heart to heart with her a few days ago, and plan to have another one to reiterate how wrong it is to cheat. She has a very strong character, and I believe she will not think this is normal behavior just because I made the mistake. What I will instead focus on is repairing our relationship, and gaining her trust and forgiveness again.

Believe it or not, we have provided her with a very solid foundation up until this point. I am proud of the mature way she is handling this disaster

[BetrayedH]

The reality is that your daughter WILL perceive that this is normal behavior as you and your H are her example of a marriage. That part you cannot help.

 

Where it gets interesting is to see if your daughter embraces that behavior or if she rebels against it. In a future marriage, she may see it as "ok" to move on to someone else when she's not "happy." This may be especially true if things between you and your H end up "ok." If the family ends up being alright, she may perceive it as not so big a deal. The other possibility is that she rebels against what her parents showed as normal. From what I've read, it's a 50/50 crap shoot when it comes to which way children go.

 

I think you worsen your chances if you justify your affairs in any way. If you even mention your 'marital problems' in the same conversation as your affair, you'll likely teach her that marital problems can be a justification for such a decision. So far, you have a real tendency to conflate the two. The fact that she loves and respects you leads me to believe that she's absorb that rationale and, to some extent, buy it.

 

Bummer.

Edited March 31, 2014 by BetrayedH

[confusedandhurt2002]

My advice? Stop having affairs.

[2sunny]

And what is happening now with your husband?

[Chi townD]

My almost 17 yr old daughter knows that I was wrong, and is very disappointed in me. I have had a heart to heart with her a few days ago, and plan to have another one to reiterate how wrong it is to cheat. She has a very strong character, and I believe she will not think this is normal behavior just because I made the mistake. What I will instead focus on is repairing our relationship, and gaining her trust and forgiveness again.

Believe it or not, we have provided her with a very solid foundation up until this point. I am proud of the mature way she is handling this disaster

 

 

 

What? You think that your daughter is writing this off as an OPPS?!?! She's still in shock. You are going to be in for one hellva rollercoaster ride with her.

 

 

It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it starts getting any better. Or, even worse for you, she might start pulling away from you.

 

 

By no means is your daughter done, or is mature enough to handle this by one "heart to heart" talk.

 

 

She needs to go to counseling to handle these conflicted issues that she's having.

[beatcuff]

anyone else confused --- nothing about the reaction of either daughter or the husband.

 

if his only statement was 'i forgive you', sounds like a defeated person: sentenced to life.

 

considering their were two other threads about telling kids and the reaction that came about --- surprised little is being said about her daughter finding out.