teenage daughter discovered affair

[aliveagain]

All you have been doing so far is protect your as$. Your letting others carry the burden of your bad choices. Own what you have done, if you don't love your husband stop using him and set him free. You are causing a crack that is becoming cavernous between you and your daughter and one day soon there will be no way left to get to the other side. Commit to your family or get the hell out. Indecision is just another selfish trait.

[Spectre]

Your marriage is repairable if you want to repair it.

 

No, its repairable if the husband wants to repair it, but he clearly doesn't..and who can blame him? I think the focus needs to be more on the kids here. She has already lost her husband forever, that is a thing that won't change.

 

Also when betrayal runs this deep there is usually nothing left to repair.

[bigman1]

My dear lady, I see your problem. You have done wrong twice and now you don't want to seem like the bad guy. You cheated on your husband and family, twice. You got caught by a daughter who is old enough to understand the real issues involved and make value based judgments about you. You don't like her judgment and hope to get a better ruling.

 

You want some credit for "hanging in there and trying to salvage your marriage". You figure, if they see you "trying" that you will somehow be "redeemed" in her eyes. After all, you "tried" and gave it your "best shot" (I know you have not used the words in quotes). At the end of this you hope that you can leave not looking as bad as it would look to leave now.

 

Stop it. Your daughter knows the real deal. You are just waiting for the right amount of time to pass before you leave or for your AP to make a decision. Just be honest. You are, not were, you are an unfaithful wife and mother to this husband and this family. Look at it this way, if--when you cheat on him again what is going to happen? If you divorce him and then get involved with someone else, it is not cheating.

 

It only gets worse for everyone. You are not in love with him. You are not really willing to commit to loving him and being committed. It is kinder, more honest, and actually the humane thing to divorce him and live honestly. If you love your husband, tell him that you cannot allow him to waste any more time hoping for a fulfilled, honest marriage with you. There is nothing wrong with that. People fall out of love all the time. Divorces happen. Divorces happen when people are honest, affairs happen when they are not. It is time to be honest.

 

I do not want to sound mean, I just want you to be honest. Honesty requires courage and there are consequences. You are already reaping the consequences for dishonesty and you hate them. Try reaping them for being honest. I promise you it is better that way.

Edited April 6, 2014 by bigman1
grammer

[sidney2718]

The absolute best thing you can do for your husband now is to divorce him. If you truly care for him, divorce him.

 

Agreed. But before you do that, tell your parents. They may be 80 and they may not seem strong, but they also need to know. And they will know. It is best they hear it from you.

 

Believe it or not, the odds are excellent that they will still love you. You are their daughter and you do need support. Not approval, support.

 

After you tell them, sit down with your husband and let him know that you hate to hurt him again (and I believe that you hate to hurt him) BUT the full history of your relationship with him and your extracurricular activities are such that the best thing for you and possibly your husband and daughters is to divorce.

 

The best thing there is for him to have custody because your daughters will not want to be under your control, and they will not want to leave their father. Of course you should have visitation rights.

 

Then your job is to try to make things right for your daughters. When things calm down a bit you'll need to have some long talks with them. Don't try to make them think you were right, because you weren't. But do help them understand that life is complicated and not at all simple.

[gettingstronger]

You daughter knows what's right and she's pleading with you to do the right thing and set the father she loves free. She is able to see clearly what the situation is because her selfishness does not cloud her judgement. Set him free, work on you and you will regain the love of the children you hold so dear. Best of luck to you.

[theperfectlife]

Bigman 1, your post is hitting home, and very accurate to my situation. I am trying to tell myself and my daughter that I am putting in the effort to rekindle the marriage. I wish SO MUCH that my feelings will change. I thought time may help, have no idea what OM doing. I know he's going for counseling, so maybe there is a chance to save his marriage there. I didn't want to make such a quick decision, with so many emotions involved.

This is hell for me, but will be worse hell for everyone who will get hurt if I do indeed leave. I am getting very close to final decision. I just think I should give it time with NC with OM.

Thanks for the honesty

[janedoe67]

I think getting honest, even with your parents, is very good advice.

 

Giving up custody of your kids? No

 

There is no rational reason not to do 50/50 custody.

[Spectre]

There is no rational reason not to do 50/50 custody.

 

Why does the husband, the one who has been betrayed, deserve to lose his kids in such a way because of his wife? There is no rational reason? There is every rational reason. She has shown that, as a parent, she puts herself first. You are bringing rationality into a situation that is just not rational to begin with. He should get custody, she should get visitation. Especially since the kids are definitely not going to want to have this "shared" custody thing, and if they are forced into it I can guarantee they will redefine the term "pain in the ass" whenever they are under their mothers care.

 

Think about the kids in this case, is the best thing for them 50/50 custody? I don't know. One of the daughters has been having to be the adult here, has been having to be the voice of reason to her mother, when it should of been the other way around. When a child has to instruct their parent in the proper ways to treat a spouse, there is a problem. Since, the teenage daughter is not going to be fooled by any excuses the mother gives, and I certainly think she probably has more sway over the other child at this point then the mother does. It is a very unfortunate situation, but it really sounds like the OP backed herself into a corner here.

Edited April 6, 2014 by Spectre

[bigman1]

tpl,

 

Pain is inevitable. I applaud you for not letting emotions cloud your judgment. The truth is found in how you felt before the other man. Let me ask you something, and this is not from any book, but here goes:

 

Suppose you were asked to find your husband a new wife, how would you feel? I mean, if the only way to leave this marriage were for you to find your husband a woman he could love and who could love him like you won't, would you do it? Would you feel better leaving then? After that, the only contact you could have with your ex would be about your daughter. Nothing else. No friendship, no questions about his day or about your day. You find him a new and better wife and then it is only business between you and him...forever.

 

I ask this because that is sort of how it is going to be. He will not be able to be around you for a long time. He may hate you. Eventually, he will get over you, as best he can, and move on. No going back. Your daughter will grow and marry. The damage you have already done cannot be undone. She and he will just adapt. If that is what you want, then you have your answer.

 

If you have some damage (emotional or otherwise) from growing up, get you some IC and then see how you are. If you are relatively unscathed and just cant treat this man right, then leave. You won't have to find him a new wife, but you cannot be a part of his new life.

[beatcuff]

the missing part is what the H wants.

 

some like them fat, some thin, some have open marriages, some are half open.

 

maybe H has accepted the fact that from time to time W will wander. maybe in an bizarre way there is nothing to fix, OP other qualities over come her wandering.

 

not saying i agree, it seems everyone just assumes H wants out. most are telling OP to 'set him free' well maybe he likes it as is.

 

OP what is your H saying.

[janedoe67]

Why does the husband, the one who has been betrayed, deserve to lose his kids in such a way because of his wife? There is no rational reason? There is every rational reason. She has shown that, as a parent, she puts herself first. You are bringing rationality into a situation that is just not rational to begin with. He should get custody, she should get visitation. Especially since the kids are definitely not going to want to have this "shared" custody thing, and if they are forced into it I can guarantee they will redefine the term "pain in the ass" whenever they are under their mothers care.

 

Think about the kids in this case, is the best thing for them 50/50 custody? I don't know. One of the daughters has been having to be the adult here, has been having to be the voice of reason to her mother, when it should of been the other way around. When a child has to instruct their parent in the proper ways to treat a spouse, there is a problem. Since, the teenage daughter is not going to be fooled by any excuses the mother gives, and I certainly think she probably has more sway over the other child at this point then the mother does. It is a very unfortunate situation, but it really sounds like the OP backed herself into a corner here.

 

At this point, OP, it is likely that your kids DO need some distance from you in order to heal.

 

My concern is the blanket idea that I hear from time to time that once a woman cheats, her kids should be taken from her as if she is an addict or pedophile or such.

[Shepp]

Why does the husband, the one who has been betrayed, deserve to lose his kids in such a way because of his wife? There is no rational reason? There is every rational reason. She has shown that, as a parent, she puts herself first. You are bringing rationality into a situation that is just not rational to begin with. He should get custody, she should get visitation. .

 

I agree completely! Especially when kids are at an age to understand the implications of what one parent has done!

Actions have consequences, even when your sorry, you can't get round the consequences.

[hard2c]

TPL

H's love of peace keeps him from standing up for himself, making me think he is a moral marshmallow.

However his daughter is going to give him the support needed to leave you. My advice is prepare for divorce.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In this situation the "children" are 19 and 17. One is an adult, and the other soon to be. Chances are, they will decide where/with whom they would like to reside.

[Spectre]

My concern is the blanket idea that I hear from time to time that once a woman cheats, her kids should be taken from her as if she is an addict or pedophile or such.

 

No, but the person who cheats is at fault. The partner should not have to suffer and see their kids less because they picked a crappy spouse. The person who has been treated on should not be punished for their fidelity and love by having their kids taken away from them. That is the burden the cheater should have to bare.

 

If she was unhappy in the marriage and came to her husband and discussed it with him and tried to work it out and, seeing that it could not work, they then decided to get divorced, etc. All that would of been the adult thing to do, nobody is at fault there. But in the case of cheating, someone is at fault. They are already being hurt over their partner cheating, why should their pain be made even greater by causing them to see their children left?

 

The simple truth is: if you act like an adult in this situation you can keep your kids. If you act like a child in this situation then you really do not deserve to keep your kids. Children should not be raised by other children. If you can't be an adult about something as simple as not sleeping with other people while in a relationship, then you are not up to the monumentally harder task of raising a child.

Edited April 7, 2014 by Spectre

[frogss29]

I just want to add, the longer you delay your decision, the more damage you are doing to your relationship with your daughters.

The ONLY reason my family gave their father a second chance is because he decided straight away what he wanted to do and showed how he felt.

They all told him they would never forgive him if he continued to play games with everyone's emotional wellbeing.

Living in limbo is not healthy for anyone and so incredibly selfish

[sidney2718]

PL do not listen, only your daughters can decide what they want to do and when you make a decision you can sit them down and talk to them but you are being stoned to death here.

 

I don't disagree with this. My point was that she should let her parents know when she makes a decision. And right now it seems clear that her daughters, especially the older one, prefers being with her father. And I do agree that only she can make this decision.

[sidney2718]

I think getting honest, even with your parents, is very good advice.

 

Giving up custody of your kids? No

 

There is no rational reason not to do 50/50 custody.

 

This is slightly off-topic, but what does one do with older children that are extremely angry with you. Forcing such a child to spend major amounts of time with the hated parent seems to me to be a difficult thing.

 

But I've never been through that and don't know.

[janedoe67]

There is a vast difference between not forcing and not allowing.

[stillafool]

I am soooo depressed, down. My teenage daughter may never forgive me I am afraid. Just took her to the mall, made the mistake of bringing up the affair. I wanted to tell her I made a very bad decision, and of course wanting her to still love me. She is very angry. She knows this was 2nd time. 10 years ago, and now again. She wants me to not string her dad along if no hope. I tried to explain I am giving time to hope to reconcile. I am praying my feelings will change with NC. Things will become crystal clear?????????? Shes convinced Im waiting for OMs decision. Don't know what to do. I DO love her dad so much, just not in love with him anymore. I am feeling hopeless, no one will ever understand. She wants me to pay consequences, tell my family. I chose not to tell my parents because they are in their 80's and cant handle the stress. They have been thru soooo much in their life. Should I tell them of my infidelity? It seems that this will help my daughter. SHe thinks I am trying to get away scott free, but in reality didn't want them to know unless my M is irreparable

help

 

Why are you contemplating reconciliation when you aren't in love with your H anymore? Your 2 affairs have proved that. Your kids are almost grown and are not babies who need your round the clock care anymore. I think you are thinking about staying with your BH because that will be the easiest thing for you since the OM does not want you. You want a soft place to fall and are using your H for that. I don't blame your daughter for being angry about what you are doing/have done to her dad. You should leave and let your daughters visit you if they chose to.

[hard2c]

TPL

The reason why daughter’s love their Dad the most is… that there is one man in the world who will never hurt her. There are many men that are divorced due to the rock support of their daughter.

[Scott Thomas]

You will receive some harsh comments. Don't interpret these posts as personal attacks.

 

Your daughters are 19 and 17. They are old enough to decide where they want to live. I've got a feeling that you will not obtain 50/50 custody. Why? Because they have the legal right to refuse living with you. Given what you've done, I wouldn't be surprised if they chose to live with their father. While this may cause you some grief, please realise that this is a consequential action that resulted from your infidelity.

 

Children view their mother as the 'Madonna'; a perfect woman. You've shattered this image. There is a post in another thread about children hating their wayward parents. I can even recall a thread about a woman whose children never spoke to her in 20 years.

 

For most kids, the transition from teenage to adulthood is challenging enough. The last thing they need is a cheating mother.

You destroyed your daughters' lives and expect them to love you?

They might forgive you, but this won't happen for another 3-7 years (unless they've inherited your husband' traits).

Find them a good counsellor.

 

 

As for your H, please divorce him. He deserves the right to spend his life with someone who loves him and won't cheat. This might cause some short term pain but it's the best plan in the long run. Stop dragging him along.

 

 

PS. On another note, this fiasco wouldn't have occurred if your husband had shown some resolve and dumped you when you cheated while you were dating.

[hard2c]

A Dads character, and his relationship with his daughter, influences her identity strongly. It influences her ability to love and to trust, and the growth of a healthy sexuality and body image. it's fathers who can really help a girl overcome an eating disorder, even more so than her mother. The relationship with ber mother affects many aspects of her character and emotional life, but the difference with her father is the impact he has on her identity, and the power he has to improve her confidence and the way she sees herself. An attack on her father affects her self esteem negatively.

[No Limit]

There is a post in another thread about children hating their wayward parents. I can even recall a thread about a woman whose children never spoke to her in 20 years.

 

That'll be my future. 12 years already and still going.

[janedoe67]

OP, your thread is motivating this FWW to go home and hug my kids for believing in redemption and to call h and tell him thanks for not taking away my children.