teenage daughter discovered affair

[sidney2718]

That'll be my future. 12 years already and still going.

 

That is terribly sad. I hope that things improve.

[Spectre]

OP, your thread is motivating this FWW to go home and hug my kids for believing in redemption and to call h and tell him thanks for not taking away my children.

 

Yep, anyone out there who has been forgiven by their spouse for such a betrayal should thank their lucky stars that they ended up finding such a compassionate person to be with. It is rare, most would be kicked to the curb, those that have this behavior forgiven really should be grateful, because 99% of the time families just end up being torn apart by this.

 

Hopefully this will just plain teach people not to cheat.

[theperfectlife]

To be honest, I keep waiting to see if I wake up and feel different. Who wants to break up a 23 yr marriage if there is a chance at R? I, also hate to admit that I am scared to face the truth. My girls don't need us as much anymore, and my life will be with the man I am with. My oldest lives with her boyfriend, and my youngest is in junior year waiting to go to college soon.

I know everyone thinks I was being selfish, but I was truly planning to end marriage if I hadn't had a change of heart before youngest leaving for college. As far as OM, I have NO IDEA what his plans are. Our last conversation was to have 2 months NC to see if our plans to be together were FOR REAL. His kids are younger. We wanted a life together. BUt everything changes wants D Day happens, And D Day was 2 weeks ago

 

 

Do I make decision separate from his? Of course you will all tell me yesssss. I am 45 yrs. old. I have NO desire to be intimate with my husband, this has been the case for 12 yeARS AT least. Is this normal? Do I leave marriage because of this? Otherwise he is wonderful man, good provider, etc. Not much in common, fun, etc..........was hoping to be with someone who I share these things.......but am I chasing a fairytale?

[Arvin_Solheim]

Hold on to that man and never let go.....I would've broken up the relationship the first time you were simultaneously seeing someone else....

 

Come to think of it....Have you ever thought that your husband maybe getting some outside of your marriage?(it just seems to easy for him to forgive you)

[whatatangledweb]

No, I don't think it is normal to feel no desire to be intimate with your husband for 12 years. Yes, you should make your own decision without input from the OM. I believe you should divorce. You want something he can not do, which is make you desire him. He deserves someone who does. I don't think it is a fairytale to want to feel these things with someone you are married to.

[hard2c]

Hold on to that man and never let go.....I would've broken up the relationship the first time you were simultaneously seeing someone else....

 

Come to think of it....Have you ever thought that your husband maybe getting some outside of your marriage?(it just seems to easy for him to forgive you)

I think your right.

[aliveagain]

To be honest, I keep waiting to see if I wake up and feel different. Who wants to break up a 23 yr marriage if there is a chance at R? I, also hate to admit that I am scared to face the truth. My girls don't need us as much anymore, and my life will be with the man I am with. My oldest lives with her boyfriend, and my youngest is in junior year waiting to go to college soon.

I know everyone thinks I was being selfish, but I was truly planning to end marriage if I hadn't had a change of heart before youngest leaving for college. As far as OM, I have NO IDEA what his plans are. Our last conversation was to have 2 months NC to see if our plans to be together were FOR REAL. His kids are younger. We wanted a life together. BUt everything changes wants D Day happens, And D Day was 2 weeks ago

 

 

Do I make decision separate from his? Of course you will all tell me yesssss. I am 45 yrs. old. I have NO desire to be intimate with my husband, this has been the case for 12 yeARS AT least. Is this normal? Do I leave marriage because of this? Otherwise he is wonderful man, good provider, etc. Not much in common, fun, etc..........was hoping to be with someone who I share these things.......but am I chasing a fairytale?

 

You have made bad decisions before and after you married your husband. All marriages and relationships change over time. Marriages are like a house, if you don't work on them and do the proper maintenance they start to fall apart. Your ruining two families because of your poor choices. If you can't be intimate with your husband get out but don't take someone's husband from them because you don't want to be alone. The man in your fairy tail is no prize, what kind of a man cheats on his wife and breaks up another man's family in the process and is willing to desert his young children to do it?

 

Those are the things that people will remember you both for, you will loose a lot of family and friends. Jumping from one bad relationship into another is just the wrong thing to do because your both bringing all the bad baggage with you. Fix yourself first because what is wrong with your marriage now will be wrong in future relationships because you didn't find out whats broken. When you put broken parts on a broken car what you end up with is a car that is still broken.

[hard2c]

Daddies girls are first and foremost on his list of priorities after all they are his little creation. Daaad I need money to get married aahaa how much? Girl #2 I need money to get married. Guess who foots the bill TPL you do. Maybe your a means to an end. Who cares if work overtime at least his girls needs are met with your paycheck that alone might be the reason he continually forgives you, because who else would pay.

[Spectre]

Hold on to that man and never let go.....I would've broken up the relationship the first time you were simultaneously seeing someone else....

 

Come to think of it....Have you ever thought that your husband maybe getting some outside of your marriage?(it just seems to easy for him to forgive you)

 

First of all telling to hold on to this guy is wrong, she needs to let him go, he deserves better. Second, I don't see why you are now trying to turn this around and act like the husband is the one who cheated. If he forgives her easily that doesn't make me think he is cheating. Rather it just makes me sad and makes me think this guy just feels he deserves to be with a woman who could treat him like this and doesn't have a very high opinion of himself, which is unfortunate.

 

He is essentially okay with being a doormat if he forgives her, but like I said that doesn't mean he is cheating..it moreso just means the guy has pretty much given up and just settled instead of trying to pursue his own happiness.

Edited April 10, 2014 by Spectre

[hard2c]

First of all telling to hold on to this guy is wrong, she needs to let him go, he deserves better. Second, I don't see why you are now trying to turn this around and act like the husband is the one who cheated. If he forgives her easily that doesn't make me think he is cheating. Rather it just makes me sad and makes me think this guy just feels he deserves to be with a woman who could treat him like this and doesn't have a very high opinion of himself, which is unfortunate.

 

He is essentially okay with being a doormat if he forgives her, but like I said that doesn't mean he is cheating..it moreso just means the guy has pretty much given up and just settled instead of trying to pursue his own happiness.

TLP is an RN 60-100k salary not every man has an ego. Some are content to stay in miserable marriage while living in luxury.

[No Limit]

That is terribly sad. I hope that things improve.

 

There is no room for improvement because there's nothing at all. Thankfully he isn't allowed in this country so I won't have to see his face again.

Plus, 12 years aren't sad at all. There are plenty of people who haven't known their parents their entire life, so I'm far from breaking a record.

[2sunny]

First of all telling to hold on to this guy is wrong, she needs to let him go, he deserves better. Second, I don't see why you are now trying to turn this around and act like the husband is the one who cheated. If he forgives her easily that doesn't make me think he is cheating. Rather it just makes me sad and makes me think this guy just feels he deserves to be with a woman who could treat him like this and doesn't have a very high opinion of himself, which is unfortunate.

 

He is essentially okay with being a doormat if he forgives her, but like I said that doesn't mean he is cheating..it moreso just means the guy has pretty much given up and just settled instead of trying to pursue his own happiness.

 

Yep!

 

And that the OP described her feelings toward her H as less than loving - along with her behavior that supports her words - signals anyone to believe she should allow him to be free from her behavior that treats him poorly.

[sidney2718]

There is no room for improvement because there's nothing at all. Thankfully he isn't allowed in this country so I won't have to see his face again.

Plus, 12 years aren't sad at all. There are plenty of people who haven't known their parents their entire life, so I'm far from breaking a record.

 

It is still sad.

[Radu]

We work on what little information the OP gives us.

Human communication is only 7% verbal, most of it is body language and tonality.

If we [the readers of your posts] would see you face to face when instead of talking through an anonymous message board, well, in this situation i believe it would be even more detrimental to your case.

 

No, I do not believe that the details I mentioned makes it ok to cheat. Nothing makes it right; I do honestly realize that.

Then why did you mention them ?

You mentioned them as a defense.

 

However, they are not an excuse because they are divorced issues.

'He was mean to me, so i cheated.' Doesn't sound right to me.

If he was really abusive, you should have left, or done something to correct his behaviour.

Your cheating is something different, it is in your power to control/act on it.

Just as it is in his power to react to it.

 

The only ones who have no choice here, are your daughters, but i'll get to that later [and your daughter's friend].

 

I was simply trying to point out that although it is a sin to betray a spouse, I am not a monster.

Here's a hint i learned from some ppl with experience.

Although is a but, and a but if it follows an excuse, or an argument, nullifies it.

Saying 'i'm sorry, but ...' is not really an excuse.

 

In your situation here, you have not used this per say, but you came very close, it's like you stopped yourself 95% of the way through.

 

Despite my past behavior, I do believe I can be a loving faithful wife in the future.

... as long as you are in love, is that not what you stated ?

 

I'd like to make 4 points to you, and i hope that my post is read by you [that you haven't left] :

1 - most of what we are is a direct representation of how our rolemodels were when we grew up.

Either we become like these rolemodels, or we do a 180 on their views [much rarer].

Your daughter's rolemodels in life are you and your husband.

Your husband who swept it under the rug 3 times, and can't do it anymore [and if he is a pushover, he will be a pushover in other areas of his life].

You, who needs to be constantly in love to be with someone ... which probably manifests itself in other areas of your life.

You think that kids don't pick up on this ?

7% of communication is the words we say, 38% is how we say them, and 55% is what our body shows during this.

So 93% is not what you say, but how you say and how you act ... i'm willing to be you're the kind of person who puts lots of emphasis on emotions.

2 - the friend who 'crossed a line' ... hmmm.

Do you believe this ?

Let's run through this.

His teenage child, comes home and tells him [or knows] that a family friend is cheating on his lifetime buddy.

His teenage child.

His teenage child.

His lifetime buddy.

Do you get this ?

.

Honestly, i would have done the same in his situation, at the risk of destroying my lifetime friendship because this is not about that woman, but about my child's morals.

About how i want my child to end up in life.

.

He is a good dad, which is more than i can say about your actions or your husband's actions [all of them].

3 - you do not seem all that concerned about how this will affect your daughters, your teenage impressionable daughters.

I honestly get the feeling that you are more concerned with this being out there, known about you, impossible for your husband to sweep it [like you knew he would], than with how this will affect the other ppl in your family.

4 - my parents were married for 30yrs, no D, no cheating. Their friends likewise, my grandparents likewise.

Their marriages were never perfect, and they had moments of being mad at each other.

Yet they did not cheat.

It was because in a way they felt that they would lower themselves.

It's impossible for there not to be hard times in a marriage over such a long period of time, but in your case your coping mechanism eventually leads to cheating [3 times now].

That's a problem.

 

I'm not saying you should D, but your husband's why of dealing with this is grossly innefective [and it shows bad example in life], and your way of dealing with stress in your life is also grossly innefective.

You run the danger of having your daughters grow up to be princesses [they are grown up at 25, not 18], miserable in their marriages, incapable of communicating with their husbands, if that is not already the case.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Radu

[Radu]

To be honest, I keep waiting to see if I wake up and feel different. Who wants to break up a 23 yr marriage if there is a chance at R?

There is a chance at R, but there a few obstacles.

One of them is your behaviour, and another is your husband's behaviour [the repercusions he never offered before].

 

I, also hate to admit that I am scared to face the truth. My girls don't need us as much anymore, and my life will be with the man I am with. My oldest lives with her boyfriend, and my youngest is in junior year waiting to go to college soon.

You mean the one you choose ?

You should avoid defining yourself through your function to another.

 

I know everyone thinks I was being selfish, but I was truly planning to end marriage if I hadn't had a change of heart before youngest leaving for college.

That is selfish.

You only had to wait 1 more yr.

 

As far as OM, I have NO IDEA what his plans are. Our last conversation was to have 2 months NC to see if our plans to be together were FOR REAL. His kids are younger. We wanted a life together. BUt everything changes wants D Day happens, And D Day was 2 weeks ago

Men rarely leave.

We lose everything in a D, access to kids, the biggest financial hit possible, and you go from living with someone who does takes care of you, to being alone, in a studio apartment just barely making ends meet.

And if you are late with the child support / alimony, you can get thrown in jail.

In 70% of the cases the bio mother will also use the kids to get back at the man.

Off-course, all the above applies to your average guy who is not an unfeeling jerkoff who does not care about his kids, about his life, family, etc ...

 

 

Do I make decision separate from his? Of course you will all tell me yesssss. I am 45 yrs. old. I have NO desire to be intimate with my husband, this has been the case for 12 yeARS AT least. Is this normal?

No, it's not.

If you had asked yourself this 12yrs ago, you would not have been a serial cheater, known to be a serial cheater by your girls.

 

Do I leave marriage because of this? Otherwise he is wonderful man, good provider, etc. Not much in common, fun, etc..........was hoping to be with someone who I share these things.......but am I chasing a fairytale?

You are chasing a fairytale, but not because of this.

Trying to be with someone who is the above, is great.

But bad times will come, so you have to go through them, maintain communication, adapt and work at it [something that i suspect either you guys haven't tried or hasn't worked out].

 

A bigger fairytale was the attempt at a relationship with a guy who has 2 little kids.

It very rarely works, and it has potential to do massive amounts of damage.

[BetrayedH]

To be honest, I keep waiting to see if I wake up and feel different. Who wants to break up a 23 yr marriage if there is a chance at R? I, also hate to admit that I am scared to face the truth. My girls don't need us as much anymore, and my life will be with the man I am with. My oldest lives with her boyfriend, and my youngest is in junior year waiting to go to college soon.

I know everyone thinks I was being selfish, but I was truly planning to end marriage if I hadn't had a change of heart before youngest leaving for college. As far as OM, I have NO IDEA what his plans are. Our last conversation was to have 2 months NC to see if our plans to be together were FOR REAL. His kids are younger. We wanted a life together. BUt everything changes wants D Day happens, And D Day was 2 weeks ago

 

 

Do I make decision separate from his? Of course you will all tell me yesssss. I am 45 yrs. old. I have NO desire to be intimate with my husband, this has been the case for 12 yeARS AT least. Is this normal? Do I leave marriage because of this? Otherwise he is wonderful man, good provider, etc. Not much in common, fun, etc..........was hoping to be with someone who I share these things.......but am I chasing a fairytale?

 

The spark in a marriage can be rekindled. Harley's books are actually remarkably good on that subject. It takes a real effort and time commitment but I think an affair can be a real wake-up call for both parties to start reinvesting. There are plenty of examples here of where people have done it. I think you need to see if your husband is willing to make some significant changes so that you can have both a marriage and intimacy.

[theperfectlife]

WOW you guys are tough crowd. Neither one of us plans to abandon our children in order to be together. We actually reconnected over 25 yrs later from being in love as teenagers, only to find one another again & uncanny both be in miserable marriages.

Well actually the OM has been living unhappily for quite some time too. OM works 2 jobs in order to keep his family in their house (his w makes about 20 grand per year). He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex about 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, and he for once in his life thought of himself first. I AM NOT CONDONING OUR INFIDELITY, yet simply telling the other side. We should have done the right thing and left marriages first, but for many reasons you described were trying to make sure leaving was actually the right thing to do! God after reading what you all have to say is preparing me for what is ahead. thanks again

[theperfectlife]

when I said BH best friend crossed the line, I meant when he told OM spouse of affair. She got a call at work, exposing the affair. My BH didn't want that to happen, and wasn't planning on calling her.

[KaliLove]

WOW you guys are tough crowd. Neither one of us plans to abandon our children in order to be together. We actually reconnected over 25 yrs later from being in love as teenagers, only to find one another again & uncanny both be in miserable marriages.

Well actually the OM has been living unhappily for quite some time too. OM works 2 jobs in order to keep his family in their house (his w makes about 20 grand per year). He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex about 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, and he for once in his life thought of himself first. I AM NOT CONDONING OUR INFIDELITY, yet simply telling the other side. We should have done the right thing and left marriages first, but for many reasons you described were trying to make sure leaving was actually the right thing to do! God after reading what you all have to say is preparing me for what is ahead. thanks again

 

Getting a divorce does not mean abandoning your children. It does however mean not exposing them to unhappy marriages and infidelity, which is what you're both doing right now.

[hard2c]

WOW you guys are tough crowd. Neither one of us plans to abandon our children in order to be together. We actually reconnected over 25 yrs later from being in love as teenagers, only to find one another again & uncanny both be in miserable marriages.

Well actually the OM has been living unhappily for quite some time too. OM works 2 jobs in order to keep his family in their house (his w makes about 20 grand per year). He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex about 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, and he for once in his life thought of himself first. I AM NOT CONDONING OUR INFIDELITY, yet simply telling the other side. We should have done the right thing and left marriages first, but for many reasons you described were trying to make sure leaving was actually the right thing to do! God after reading what you all have to say is preparing me for what is ahead. thanks again

TPL

they say that absolute power corrupts but so does powerlessness. Regarding om I've found that men who are financially dependent on their female partners are more likely to cheat. This seems to be related to a sense of threatened masculinity that triggers compensatory behaviors.

 

Perfect examples are the lives of celebrities Sandra Bollock and her recent divorce.

[Meatballsmom]

tpl

 

 

You realize you are walking on very thin ice with your daughter. There is a good chance that she might disown you for life. I work with two women who have similar stories to your. Fell out of love with H and unfortunately hooked with the OM, prior to filling for divorce. In both cases, when their children reached adulthood, they totally cut their mothers out of their lives.

 

 

They now have grandchildren your daughter's age and have never held them much less been a part of their lives.

 

 

The one in order to avoid the pain of the holidays, already has her vacation penciled in for Xmas, which she will spend in Vegas. As she has done for the past 2 decades.

 

 

One is able to see her youngest grand daughter, but in order to do so she has to go to her school and wait across the street and hopefully get a glimpse of her when she walks to the bus.

[No Limit]

when I said BH best friend crossed the line, I meant when he told OM spouse of affair. She got a call at work, exposing the affair. My BH didn't want that to happen, and wasn't planning on calling her.

 

Thankfully he did, otherwise your 'highschool sweetheart' would have soon found another one to cheat with. Apparently that's much easier for him than divorce for some reason.

[Spectre]

He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex about 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, and he for once in his life thought of himself first.

 

Just wow, the audacity here is astounding. "For once he thought of himself first" aww, what a sweetypie this man is. He's not an utter piece of trash knowingly getting with a married woman, he is a poor guy who gets yelled at and cooks and cleans. I almost feel sorry for him. At least you followed it up by claiming you aren't condoning it. But then please don't say silly things like what you just said. I don't care what his wife did. He could of "thought of himself" with a woman who wasn't married. So no, don't try to make a skeezball into some poor sex deprived man.

 

I wonder what your husband would think if he saw you talk about this man like that. Do you? Do you wonder about that? Or no? What do you honestly think he would feel if he saw you saying things like that? Just seeing you say things like that shows me you will never ever be ready to be a true wife to your husband again and the best choice for him is to go ahead and divorce. Just leave him, because you just plain can't be a wife to him anymore.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Spectre

[2.50 a gallon]

"has been living unhappily for quite some time . . . "

 

"He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, . . ."

 

That is what he tells you. How do you know that this is true?

 

Red Flag! OM and I are in the exact same situation

 

Here's how a predator OM works!

 

First step: Become friends with MW. In this case he had a leg up.

 

Second step: Listen to what she has to say, when she says her marriage of 10, 15, 20 years is getting boring, or is bad, listen and tell her he has the same problem. Now you have something in common.

 

 

How do I know this? It worked for me, and many other OM's. Except in my case, the Ex and I had broken up, so it was true. And I was able to use the break up to get my sex life back in line.

 

 

I am sure you are not the first woman he has had an affair with during his marriage.

Edited April 13, 2014 by 2.50 a gallon

[Spectre]

I still can't believe she tried to somewhat paint the OM as the victim here, with the cruel mean wife who never touches him. If I were the husband, that would tell me all I need to know right there. That one sentence says more then anything else. I just mean..okay it sucks if you are in an unhappy marriage. But the solution to that is never "hey why don't I go destroy another marriage to feel better?"

Edited April 14, 2014 by Spectre