teenage daughter discovered affair

[2sunny]

I still don't think your m can recover. Mainly based on the way you still describe your M and the fact that you don't respect your H.

 

IF you really wanted to get feelings back for your H - you'd be at least making attempts to honor and change how you feel about him.

 

You're STILL way too focused on your OM and why he needs/wants you.

 

Since your H is so mild mannered about it all - you may be able to have both.

 

Since he seems to have no boundary, no respect for himself and no expectations - he may be that rare man that just doesn't care either way as long as he stays technically married.

[Meatballsmom]

tpl

 

 

I suspect that you are gone for good.

If you ever come back, Know this, if you want a relationship with your daughter in the future, you need to dump your OM for life, NOW!

She sees the two of you breaking up her once happy child hood. You two are the villains. She might forgive you, but in all likely hood will never accept him. He will always be the bad guy. You are playing Russian Roulette with your future grand children.

 

You do not want to live without them.

 

My only grandchild was taken away from my daughter 5 years ago by the state. And there has been no contact since. She is now 18, and daily I wonder what she looks like what is she doing, how is she doing in school, boy friends.

 

You do not want to life like this

 

To be on the same side you will have to make a choice, do you want your daughter and future grand children in your life, or do you want the cheating OM. Remember if he cheated on his wife, most likely he will find a reason to cheat on you.

[aliveagain]

What I read is still me me me me. Your angry at a friend that exposed your affair because your husband is too lost to deal with it himself. The woman he has loved for 23 years, the mother of his children who isn't intimate with him anymore but is with another woman's husband is probably feeling pretty lost right now. Sure the grass looks greener with the other man because your not watering the grass you have now. If other man has to work 2 jobs now to get by how will he support you with alimony and child support payments, a third job or are you expecting to take from your family equity and build a nest with him? Maybe your his shinny knight and is looking to you for a better lifestyle? You still talk about being exposed as being a bigger problem than what you have done to your family and his. The people that love you the most and have the most to loose by your actions know the truth, what are you going to do to fix this now is my question?

[aliveagain]

Just another point, if you divorce and go to your affair partner make sure the place you get has enough bedrooms for his small children which you will have 50% of the time. Will your 17 year old daughter babysit? Can he afford to keep you in the lifestyle you now have(alimony and child support) if he can barely support his family with 2 jobs. Have you thought this through?

[goodyblue]

Just to put another spin on this, my MM left his wife (his children are grown) and we began dating. We did begin as an affair, but when he left, we were able to date as an open couple.

 

!. his ex wife was and still is very angry.

 

2. his children are okay with us. It took a while, but not long.

 

3. some of his community was disappointed, but the people who stayed around are our true friends and we are okay

 

4. without meeting me, I believe that he would have stayed in a dormant, unhappy marriage for the rest of his life.

 

Hang in there.

[forbidden_love]

Emotionally blackmailing people with their kids (who have their own lives to lead) into staying in a loveless, miserable marriage or even a mundane commonplace life in a brother sister relationship- does not work. Why would you want it to? It is not better to show your kids that this is right than it is to marry someone else you truly love

[beach]

Your daughter is learning by your example as a woman - she's learning that you stay married even if you don't love your husband - or if you're not in love with him.

 

Then you get other men outside the M that you can use for your ego feed - all at the expense of your husbands feelings. And then you teach her to be sneaky by lying and covering up - until you get caught. Then you use your H more for his lifestyle knowing you don't love him any longer.

 

That's what you are teaching her by the way you've participated.

 

Don't be angry with her when she does it to her husband and her children's lives.

[Mol3m4n]

I don't agree with everyone's view that the man is being run over. Sure, he has allowed more to go on than should have, but he is just playing the role of a loving and trusting(I don't know why he is) husband. It is obvious that this man loves his wife more than anything and would go through anything to keep her. Even though I agree it would be better for these two to split, it shouldn't be the WW's decision. That is an easy cop out for her and it should truly be up to the one she cheated on if he wants to keep her or not. She would suffer enough punishment by facing the scrutiny of not only her husband and daughters, but by the entire family, if not community. It is obvious by the way she talks that she does not know what love even is from her several contradictions of loving or not loving her husband, so who is to say that she even loves the OP? I just think she is making decisions that aren't morally correct for her to make and aren't entirely hers to make.

 

Also another point she made was that most marriages end up with the two parties being unhappy. I would have to disagree. Divorces in my family have to be under 10%. I can honestly say that people that marry in my family rarely end up emotionally detached from one another.

[Oberfeldwebel]

when I said BH best friend crossed the line, I meant when he told OM spouse of affair. She got a call at work, exposing the affair. My BH didn't want that to happen, and wasn't planning on calling her.

 

Why should she be in the dark? If your relationship with this OM is so good, you two should be shouting it from the mountain tops. Be careful what you wish for in life, it just might come true.

[2.50 a gallon]

forbidden love

 

 

It is not emotional blackmail when the children decide that they want nothing to do with the parent who broke up the family.

 

 

Over my life time I have seen this several times and in fact it happened within my own family. My ExBIL cheated on my sister, which lead to a divorce. My ExBIL used to be my best friend, from grade school, on. We even worked together in the same trade at the same shop for over a decade. My sister and I both tried to get my two nieces to maintain a relationship with their father. It was their choice to cut him out of their lives.

 

 

The breakup of the family hit my youngest niece the hardest. Even though she had lots of suitors, she wanted nothing to do with marriage, until she was in her later 30's. And then the only reason she invited her father to the wedding, was at the instance of her future husband. At the wedding I had to introduce him to his grand son and grand daughter. He knew nothing about them.

 

 

That was over 5 years ago and they still have zero contact. Again it is their choice.

[b0rderline]

Just to put another spin on this, my MM left his wife (his children are grown) and we began dating. We did begin as an affair, but when he left, we were able to date as an open couple.

 

!. his ex wife was and still is very angry.

 

2. his children are okay with us. It took a while, but not long.

 

3. some of his community was disappointed, but the people who stayed around are our true friends and we are okay

 

4. without meeting me, I believe that he would have stayed in a dormant, unhappy marriage for the rest of his life.

 

Hang in there.

 

Do you ever worry about him cheating on you as well, since your relationship began as an affair?

 

I once heard a saying... "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

[goodyblue]

No. He was with his ex for over thirty years. Tried for years and years to work it out with her, to no avail. He isn't a serial cheat. He's just a man who was lonely, isolated and felt trapped, if only by his own thoughts.

 

Once we happened, it was over fast and that was that. He didn't linger, he didn't question himself, he didn't waffle.

 

He and I are very compatible, very open and really happy. We'll be fine.

[theperfectlife]

goody blue

thank you for giving me hope

I have had no contact with OM for almost a month, but know we will be together if it was meant to be. After DDay, he's dealing with him M, I'm dealing with mine.

[theperfectlife]

For all you out there, I am 100% positive that my 17 yr old will NOT follow in my example. Although she has expressed her disappointment in me, she will NOT follow in my footsteps of infidelity. She has a stronger personality than me. The main reason I have stayed with a man I do not love is because I never had the courage to leave. Both of my daughters are stronger in this area of character, have more self esteem, and can stand up for themselves (thank god). I know this to the core of my heart.

[bigman1]

You had the courage to cheat so you have the courage to divorce. I'm not condoning the affair, just pointing out that having one is really a bold thing to do. End it with your husband as amicably and as quickly as possible. Live honestly.

[KaliLove]

For all you out there, I am 100% positive that my 17 yr old will NOT follow in my example. Although she has expressed her disappointment in me, she will NOT follow in my footsteps of infidelity. She has a stronger personality than me. The main reason I have stayed with a man I do not love is because I never had the courage to leave. Both of my daughters are stronger in this area of character, have more self esteem, and can stand up for themselves (thank god). I know this to the core of my heart.

 

Before you cheated, would you have thought yourself capable of cheating? Have you always known you would cheat?

[Radu]

WOW you guys are tough crowd. Neither one of us plans to abandon our children in order to be together.

You don't see how having an affair will feel to the children like this is abandoning them ?

Children think in very black and white terms, they think about who broke the home.

 

We actually reconnected over 25 yrs later from being in love as teenagers, only to find one another again & uncanny both be in miserable marriages.

Well actually the OM has been living unhappily for quite some time too. OM works 2 jobs in order to keep his family in their house (his w makes about 20 grand per year). He also cooks, manages everything, and gets sex about 4 x a year. His wife constantly yelling at him, and he for once in his life thought of himself first.

Who cares ?

Why is his life your responsability ?

 

To your marriage, to your family, he is a stranger.

If something needs attention, effort, is your marriage and your family.

 

I AM NOT CONDONING OUR INFIDELITY, yet simply telling the other side. We should have done the right thing and left marriages first, but for many reasons you described were trying to make sure leaving was actually the right thing to do! God after reading what you all have to say is preparing me for what is ahead. thanks again

There's that but again, in 'yet' form.

 

Leaving was the right thing to do, both for him and for you.

But i'm not focusing on the affair now ... but the history of affairs.

[forbidden_love]

forbidden love

 

 

It is not emotional blackmail when the children decide that they want nothing to do with the parent who broke up the family.

 

 

Over my life time I have seen this several times and in fact it happened within my own family. My ExBIL cheated on my sister, which lead to a divorce. My ExBIL used to be my best friend, from grade school, on. We even worked together in the same trade at the same shop for over a decade. My sister and I both tried to get my two nieces to maintain a relationship with their father. It was their choice to cut him out of their lives.

 

 

The breakup of the family hit my youngest niece the hardest. Even though she had lots of suitors, she wanted nothing to do with marriage, until she was in her later 30's. And then the only reason she invited her father to the wedding, was at the instance of her future husband. At the wedding I had to introduce him to his grand son and grand daughter. He knew nothing about them.

 

 

That was over 5 years ago and they still have zero contact. Again it is their choice.

 

So I ask you, despite not managing the break up well even as an adult, she decided to ruin other people's lives instead. Sounds like someone did not give her enough support or love but that behaviour is pretty disgusting. she has no right to keep her kids from knowing their grandfather. Children are not weapons. Her kids will grow up resenting her now..

[goodyblue]

I don't agree with everyone's view that the man is being run over. Sure, he has allowed more to go on than should have, but he is just playing the role of a loving and trusting(I don't know why he is) husband. It is obvious that this man loves his wife more than anything and would go through anything to keep her. Even though I agree it would be better for these two to split, it shouldn't be the WW's decision. That is an easy cop out for her and it should truly be up to the one she cheated on if he wants to keep her or not. She would suffer enough punishment by facing the scrutiny of not only her husband and daughters, but by the entire family, if not community. It is obvious by the way she talks that she does not know what love even is from her several contradictions of loving or not loving her husband, so who is to say that she even loves the OP? I just think she is making decisions that aren't morally correct for her to make and aren't entirely hers to make.

 

Also another point she made was that most marriages end up with the two parties being unhappy. I would have to disagree. Divorces in my family have to be under 10%. I can honestly say that people that marry in my family rarely end up emotionally detached from one another.

 

I'm trying to figure out what this even means. This is HER life too. If she doesn't want to be married, that is certainly HER decision. She doesn't have to sit around and wait to see what her husband will do. If that is what you meant, it's absolutely ridiculous.

 

And this second part? Yeaaah... maybe you have a 'magic' family, but a LOT of people end up with some sort of disconnect in their marriage. My parents had a perfect marriage as far as the outside world could see, and they did. They were great friends. They held hands everywhere they went, did things together all the time, but they stopped having intimate relations when I was ten years old. How do I know? My mother said to me when I was about 20 that sometimes someone hurts you enough and you just can't be intimate with them anymore. They remain together.

[forbidden_love]

My parents stayed together and had a horrible marriage for 45 years. It severely affected both me and my sister. They had no intimacy and stood together simply because they were too cowardly to get out of the horrible relationship.

[JS84]

Both of my daughters are stronger in this area of character, have more self esteem, and can stand up for themselves (thank god). I know this to the core of my heart.

 

Ironically I'm sure your parents would have said the same thing about you.

[theperfectlife]

Actually, I have struggled with sticking up for myself my entire life. My parents would be the first to agree. Yet, they love me unconditionally. I only am dreading the initial hurt and pain I will cause them when they find out the truth. I regret disappointing and hurting so many people. I know they will forgive me & will want to see me happy. They have been our entire family's support system for years.......

[Spectre]

Just to put another spin on this, my MM left his wife (his children are grown) and we began dating. We did begin as an affair, but when he left, we were able to date as an open couple.

 

!. his ex wife was and still is very angry.

 

2. his children are okay with us. It took a while, but not long.

 

3. some of his community was disappointed, but the people who stayed around are our true friends and we are okay

 

4. without meeting me, I believe that he would have stayed in a dormant, unhappy marriage for the rest of his life.

 

Hang in there.

 

There is no "other spin on this". This woman destroyed her family. There is no happy ending here. Even if she ends up with this prince charming of a man who has no problem getting with a married woman..that is no happy ending, because she just ended up with a guy who destroys families. That is a positive spin? No, sorry. When the best case scenario if she ends up with a sleazeball, how is that good? So then what, if the kids do forgive her and she ends up with this prize of a man, this sleazeball will be around her kids now? So her husband has to have his children around this man if it comes to that?

 

Please, don't ever try to put a positive spin on something like this. You can sure say everyone deserves to be happy, but you don't achieve happiness via an affair because you lack the courage to act like an adult.

Edited April 16, 2014 by Spectre

[forbidden_love]

Ignore the bullies PL, you came here to try and get a perspective, some people are looking at the full screen and some up their a@@holes. At least you made the step to talk about it and see what you can do. I find it quite therapeutic just writing it down even if you do not get the response you wish for, which you won't as obviously there are people here hurting for many reasons, you can run it through your head just by coming here and that is a good step. I had an affair by the way, and my children have a real perspective on life not a false one. They knew that the affair was not the cause of the divorce and they knew that both parties just fell out of love. It happens.

[2.50 a gallon]

fl

 

 

A mother has every right to say whom her young children have contact with. In this case, from her point of view, her father has no redeeming qualities. My nephew after meeting him agreed. And as for resenting her, he passed on going to college, left those funds in the bank for his younger sister, who will soon attend nursing school.

 

 

And at the tender age of 22, has a successful business, so successful that he bought 10 acres of forest land, and just recently moved into his custom built house. Me thinks she did a good job.