teenage daughter discovered affair

[violet1]

There is no "other spin on this". This woman destroyed her family. There is no happy ending here. Even if she ends up with this prince charming of a man who has no problem getting with a married woman..that is no happy ending, because she just ended up with a guy who destroys families. That is a positive spin? No, sorry. When the best case scenario if she ends up with a sleazeball, how is that good? So then what, if the kids do forgive her and she ends up with this prize of a man, this sleazeball will be around her kids now? So her husband has to have his children around this man if it comes to that?

 

Please, don't ever try to put a positive spin on something like this. You can sure say everyone deserves to be happy, but you don't achieve happiness via an affair because you lack the courage to act like an adult.

What a negative view. Yes affairs are wrong and they suck. However, it doesn't mean that everyone's life is destroyed. The OP doesn't love her H the way a wife should. Letting him go to find someone who truly loves him is a blessing. If she ends up with her AP so be it. I personally don't think I could jump from one relationship to another like that, but everyone is different. I have an uncle who left his wife for his married neighbor. He and his fMOW have been married 20 years and nobody's life was destroyed over it. Things happen, people heal in time and life moves on. There can be a positive on anything that's negative. It's all in how a person chooses to look at it.

 

OP, I wish you the best and ignore the attacks. This is a very sensitive subject that obviously upsets a lot of people.

[hard2c]

For all you out there, I am 100% positive that my 17 yr old will NOT follow in my example. Although she has expressed her disappointment in me, she will NOT follow in my footsteps of infidelity. She has a stronger personality than me. The main reason I have stayed with a man I do not love is because I never had the courage to leave. Both of my daughters are stronger in this area of character, have more self esteem, and can stand up for themselves (thank god). I know this to the core of my heart.

what is your husbands academic background as we know your a nurse?

[Clay]

Once you cheat you no longer have control of how people deal with it. You can try all you want and wish and hope that peoples lives wont be destroyed by it but its no longer your choice or your decision to make. Sure everyone hopes all can just be forgiven and life will be great but that is not how things work.

 

My son still hates women in general and has no really love for his mother after what she did. Its been seven years and I highly doubt he will ever be a momma's boy again like he once was.

 

People should have thought about it before they decided to play games with other peoples lives.

 

Clay

[violet1]

Once you cheat you no longer have control of how people deal with it. You can try all you want and wish and hope that peoples lives wont be destroyed by it but its no longer your choice or your decision to make. Sure everyone hopes all can just be forgiven and life will be great but that is not how things work.

 

My son still hates women in general and has no really love for his mother after what she did. Its been seven years and I highly doubt he will ever be a momma's boy again like he once was.

 

People should have thought about it before they decided to play games with other peoples lives.

 

Clay

You're right, we have no control of how people choose to handle infidelity when it all comes out in the open. I feel sad for your son. It's too bad he dislikes women in general because of what his mother did. Of course people don't have to forgive. What does holding onto pain and anger forever do for us? How long should a person blame and hate his or her parents for their actions? I can also easily say my mom ruined my life. She did all kinds of horrible things. Yes, I did blame her for a very long time, but there came a point in which I had to let go. Holding onto that anger was destroying me and prevented me from feeling happiness. That is just my experience though. YMMV...

[Clay]

I think you are right. I have tried everything I can to help repair there relationship. I have him in counseling and everything. The truth of it is she is not really all that interested and as long as I am the only one trying to help him I'm fighting a loosing battle. I seriously did not ask for this problem and I don't see how I alone can fix it.

 

I just warn people of these kinds of problems. Most the time its not really all that effective because most WW or WH really never cared about there family in the first place. If they honestly did they would have thought of them first before putting them in that position. Sure I know people wont agree with that but I see little evidence on these sites showing the contrary.

 

Clay

[violet1]

Clay, there's not much more you can do to help your son. He and he alone has to get to the point in which he's ready to let go. My mom's 20 year anniversary of her death came up a couple of months ago. It's only been the last year since I really started to let go of the pain and anger.

 

I agree with you again, the WS isn't thinking about anything but themselves. I wasn't thinking about my family when I had my affair. I compartmentalized. I lived a double life so I never felt like I ignored my family. Realistically I did though. My mind wasn't completely on them when I was home. I would secretly be thinking of my exMM. Affairs hurt everyone and there's no doubt about it. You never know how a family member will react to it. Some children forgive the cheating parent, some don't.

[Spectre]

What a negative view.

 

Yes, a negative view of a negative situation. There is no positive spin on this and it's disrespectful to act otherwise, so please refrain from doing so.

 

Yes affairs are wrong and they suck. However, it doesn't mean that everyone's life is destroyed. The OP doesn't love her H the way a wife should. Letting him go to find someone who truly loves him is a blessing. If she ends up with her AP so be it. I personally don't think I could jump from one relationship to another like that, but everyone is different. I have an uncle who left his wife for his married neighbor. He and his fMOW have been married 20 years and nobody's life was destroyed over it. Things happen, people heal in time and life moves on. There can be a positive on anything that's negative. It's all in how a person chooses to look at it.

 

The only positive thing that can happen here is that the husband got this woman out of his life. That is the only good thing that happened. The cheater ending up in a relationship with this sleezeball? That isn't a positive. It's shocking that you feel it is. Though I guess a cheater ending up with someone who is just as bad as they are could be viewed as a positive because hey they deserve each other and now they can both cheat on each other as well, but I'm quite sure you were NOT speaking of it being "positive" in that sense.

 

Sure, letting the husband go if she doesn't love him is a blessing. That isn't exactly what she did though, she had an affair. That isn't "letting him go" that is "being selfish and wanting to have your cake and eat it too". If she had gone to the husband with these feelings before she destroyed everything that would be one thing, but she didn't..so trying to put some weird positive spin on it just seems in bad taste to me. There are no winners here, but if we were held hostage and forced to choose one, it would surely be the husband, since at least he got to find out about this and wasn't kept in the dark any longer and made a fool of. That is the only good to come from this.

 

I am not trying to attack the OP, but you really shouldn't be trying to put a positive spin on this either.

Edited April 17, 2014 by Spectre

[2sunny]

Actually, I have struggled with sticking up for myself my entire life. My parents would be the first to agree. Yet, they love me unconditionally. I only am dreading the initial hurt and pain I will cause them when they find out the truth. I regret disappointing and hurting so many people. I know they will forgive me & will want to see me happy. They have been our entire family's support system for years.......

 

So you've struggled to stick up for yourself - yet you use a passive/aggressive and hurtful way to get back at your H?

 

You need to work on yourself. Please get professional help. That is not loving or kind. You will take that coping mechanism and still use it moving forward without help.

 

What's so hard about using your words to be honest?

[Appreciate]

Ignore the bullies PL, you came here to try and get a perspective, some people are looking at the full screen and some up their a@@holes. At least you made the step to talk about it and see what you can do. I find it quite therapeutic just writing it down even if you do not get the response you wish for, which you won't as obviously there are people here hurting for many reasons, you can run it through your head just by coming here and that is a good step. I had an affair by the way, and my children have a real perspective on life not a false one. They knew that the affair was not the cause of the divorce and they knew that both parties just fell out of love. It happens.

 

I'm afraid that you are the real bully here. You are emotionally bullying your children into accepting your unjustifiable actions. I hope my ex does not try this strategy. At least she admits she failed her family, which is about the most she could offer up in terms of remorse (guilt, actually). You don't seem to have a clue about anything, to be honest.

 

An affair is always a cause of the divorce. If you want to say you had issues in your marriage which you believe made you susceptible to an affair, then that's a starting point. But if you were not able to work out the issues in your marriage prior to the A, and it had gotten so bad you entertained the thought of an A, then YOU should have divorced. Your underlying arrogance and lack of accountability is astounding. Really. You are not teaching your children good lessons here.. certainly not anything rooted in honesty, courage, trust or integrity. Do you want them to grow up to be a sneaky person? Does that constitute "real perspective"? The fact that people do bad things and their mom is one of them? Hmm.. scratching my chin hear, Forbidden.

 

Interesting name, too. Forbidden Love. Sounds tragically romantic, or childishly romantic. There's a reason it's forbidden.. because you are betraying people to have it. That ain't real love, babe.

[Spectre]

Falling out of love happens. Behaving like a child and having an affair and destroying families is never a thing that "just happens". You can't choose to fall out of love. You can choose to sleep with other dudes. I always love it how people here are "bullies" for pointing out bad behavior and calling people on it. If you come here as a cheater and don't expect some negativity then I really don't know what to say to anyone like that. It takes an astounding level of naivete and probably sheds some light on why the cheating even happened in the first place. They are clearly living in a fantasy world where actions have no consequences and nobody can say a bad thing about poor life choices that effect other people who are innocent to the whole affair.

Edited April 18, 2014 by Spectre

[Dark Holy]

Leave your husband because he doesn't seem to have the strength to do it.

 

Not that I'm surprised. You've been sucking the life out of him for a long, long time. Cheating hurts people. Some people can move on and live, others are so wounded and drained they welcome back the one who has destroyed them. In this case, over and over.

 

He deserves better. Divorce him.

[NYWoman]

The adult children shunning the cheating parent is not all that uncommon.

 

 

IIRC in the past few months there was a poster, who got caught cheating, though now divorced, her ExH was still on speaking terms with her. Her thread was in re: Searching for advice on getting her two adult sons to once again communicate with her. I believe it had been several years

[2sunny]

It is holding your husband hostage if you stay - you're not doing what is necessary to get connected to him.

 

You couldn't be making effort since your waiting to see if your OMM ends his marriage.

 

You are waiting on MM's wife to decide - MM is waiting on his wife to decide - your H is waiting on you to decide...

 

So your OMM's decision essentially affects 4 adults. SHE holds all the power!

 

That is far removed from the person deciding for all of you.

[violet1]

Yes, a negative view of a negative situation. There is no positive spin on this and it's disrespectful to act otherwise, so please refrain from doing so.

 

 

 

The only positive thing that can happen here is that the husband got this woman out of his life. That is the only good thing that happened. The cheater ending up in a relationship with this sleezeball? That isn't a positive. It's shocking that you feel it is. Though I guess a cheater ending up with someone who is just as bad as they are could be viewed as a positive because hey they deserve each other and now they can both cheat on each other as well, but I'm quite sure you were NOT speaking of it being "positive" in that sense.

 

Sure, letting the husband go if she doesn't love him is a blessing. That isn't exactly what she did though, she had an affair. That isn't "letting him go" that is "being selfish and wanting to have your cake and eat it too". If she had gone to the husband with these feelings before she destroyed everything that would be one thing, but she didn't..so trying to put some weird positive spin on it just seems in bad taste to me. There are no winners here, but if we were held hostage and forced to choose one, it would surely be the husband, since at least he got to find out about this and wasn't kept in the dark any longer and made a fool of. That is the only good to come from this.

 

I am not trying to attack the OP, but you really shouldn't be trying to put a positive spin on this either.

Actually you ARE attacking the OP. You attack every single cheater on this forum. I get you hate cheaters and think they're trash. The anger and hate you have towards cheaters oozes from your posts. The OP came here for advice, not to be told how horrible she is. Unless you've been in the shoes of the WS, you have no idea how it feels. The same goes for being a BS.

 

Seriously, I can't even give her my opinion from my personal experiences without you attacking it. I don't condone cheating or leaving for the AP, but unfortunately it happens all of the time. I try to learn from others experiences and opinions even if I don't agree. I wish you well!

[Spectre]

Actually you ARE attacking the OP. You attack every single cheater on this forum. I get you hate cheaters and think they're trash. The anger and hate you have towards cheaters oozes from your posts. The OP came here for advice, not to be told how horrible she is. Unless you've been in the shoes of the WS, you have no idea how it feels. The same goes for being a BS.

 

Seriously, I can't even give her my opinion from my personal experiences without you attacking it. I don't condone cheating or leaving for the AP, but unfortunately it happens all of the time. I try to learn from others experiences and opinions even if I don't agree. I wish you well!

 

Do you even read what you type? I responded to a post of someone trying to put a "positive" spin on this. The fact that you constantly cry "attack" is astounding. I attacked you? No, you quoted something I had said and I responded. That wasn't an attack, that is more or less how this whole message board thing works.

 

See that is the entire problem: people see others pointing out bad behavior and all of a sudden it becomes "you are attacking me and my views!". I'm not attacking the OP, I'm saying please don't try to act like this other guy she cheated with isn't a sleazeball.

[violet1]

Do you even read what you type? I responded to a post of someone trying to put a "positive" spin on this. The fact that you constantly cry "attack" is astounding. I attacked you? No, you quoted something I had said and I responded. That wasn't an attack, that is more or less how this whole message board thing works.

 

See that is the entire problem: people see others pointing out bad behavior and all of a sudden it becomes "you are attacking me and my views!". I'm not attacking the OP, I'm saying please don't try to act like this other guy she cheated with isn't a sleazeball.

I've read numerous posts of yours. Unless a person is a complete psychopath, they are aware that their behavior is bad. Hence, why they're here. Constantly telling a WS how horrible they are and how they've ruined everything is NOT helpful.

 

I couldn't tell you if the MM is a sleazeball because I don't know him. I see things different than you. I don't believe that cheating defines who a person is in every aspect of their life. You blatantly told me I shouldn't put a positive spin on this. Which is not what I did at all. I just personally try not to think negatively even if it's a bad situation. I don't wish to continue arguing with you. I respectfully agree to disagree with the majority of your opinions. Good day to you!

[BHsigh]

It is holding your husband hostage if you stay - you're not doing what is necessary to get connected to him.

 

You couldn't be making effort since your waiting to see if your OMM ends his marriage.

 

You are waiting on MM's wife to decide - MM is waiting on his wife to decide - your H is waiting on you to decide...

 

So your OMM's decision essentially affects 4 adults. SHE holds all the power!

 

That is far removed from the person deciding for all of you.

 

Great point if view!

[theperfectlife]

Here's a bit of info for all you attackers. I have decide to end my marriage, regardless of what OM does. I cant stand the judgmental views I have received while looking for support on this sight. Both of our marriages were broken before we crossed the line. However, if OM can salvage his relationship.......then it wasn't meant to be. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my life with a man I do not love. I am in counseling, and THANK GOD have found some answers despite the negativity I witnessed here.........................................................

[bigman1]

TPL, great decision to divorce. Be honest with your stbxh as to why and let him know that it is a lost cause trying to get you back because you were gone long ago and don't want to come back anyhow. That may sting him a bit, but ultimately he'll move on quicker.

 

Sorry that you viewed the posts as negative, etc., but come on, you were toying with another human being's emotional life. Actually, more. BH and BW and families. You are never going to get support for that. Truth is, you just experienced hell from a bunch of internet posters that you don't know, but the betrayed families will experience far more real pain from people (you and OM) that were not supposed to inflict that type of pain.

 

I leave you with this, when the drift away started, the work should have begun. That is really at the core of a lot of posts. I know that my wife and I have felt a drift in our relationship before. You know what, we addressed it head on. When she felt it, she said something and WE did something. When I felt it I said something and WE did something. I'm not self righteous or whatever, just saying. I entered marriage with the idea that I was only going to do it once, so I damn sure fight when I see either of us slipping away into indifference or whatever.

 

Lastly, you can't fall back in love with your husband because you know that there is an option out there. Your talk about if the OM reconciles then so be it, is, with all due respect, baloney. You want him like you should want your husband and you will fight for him like you should fight for your husband. Still, since he is an option, your marriage has no options.

 

Still, better to leave your marriage and live honestly as it relates to your stbxh than to remain and be dishonest to him, yourself, OM and his wife and families. Of course, the test of your honesty is whether YOU cut ties with OM, as you are both still married, at least until the judge says otherwise. Do that, and you can truly say that you were an honest person. Do anything less and you were a cheater who deserved all the scorn heaped upon you by utter strangers.

[aliveagain]

Here is some support, be honest and stop deceiving the important people in your life. When you give your word mean it or end the relationship you are in. Don't expect a relationship to be forever perfect when you don't do the work to make it so. Discuss and resolve issues in your relationship equally with your partner rather than thinking that bringing a third person into it will fix the issues. Don't blame us for the failure of your marriage, 50% of that is all you, the cheating you own completely.

 

I truly hope your children forgive you one day but with your blame shifting personality it may take a lifetime. You can't stand the judgmental views because that means you have to accept the reality of what you have done to 2 families, it's ugly. I fixed my life and that included forgiving myself and all the wayward women that betrayed me. None of them are in my life now and that too was my choice. Their lives have remained the same and some have gone to sh*t, mine on the other hand is amazing. Tonight I will sleep like a baby, I hope you too can one day. Peace.

Edited April 19, 2014 by aliveagain

[hard2c]

give us updates about your husbands response to divorce. Where here for you, once you come clean. Then we'll be in your corner.

[Appreciate]

Here's a bit of info for all you attackers. I have decide to end my marriage, regardless of what OM does. I cant stand the judgmental views I have received while looking for support on this sight. Both of our marriages were broken before we crossed the line. However, if OM can salvage his relationship.......then it wasn't meant to be. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my life with a man I do not love. I am in counseling, and THANK GOD have found some answers despite the negativity I witnessed here.........................................................

 

 

Tough comments are a form of support, even if it doesn't appear that way at first. Trust me, people don't want to see you hurt, your H hurt or anyone in your family circle get hurt. True, people should change up their tone, because harshness is not helpful. In the end, everyone wants to see the right thing done.

 

The comments you find "supportive" will often come from other females, and often they are WW, OW or former versions of each. They will give you their form of support, and other posters will give you theirs. Think of those harsher people on this site as your future divorced H. Except you will see his anger, pain and suffering in three dimensions. And it's not something you can "log out" of quite easily, and it will be around for a long long time.

 

Posters get upset when they see someone who wants to do everything but the right thing, and get hugs for doing so. That's not support, that coddling and protection. It's clear that your family is coddling you to some extent, and you are playing the victim. Stop playing the victim and take ownership of your decisions, and people will respect you more wherever you go. As long as you continue to say "I cheated, but ..." you won't get a good reception. People close to you may not be tough with you, but people here can give a more inside opinion. If you don't want to feel judged, don't do things that will caused you to be judged. If you have done those things, try to move away from deception and self-deception and towards being honest. Being dishonest is partly what got you here in the first place, and as another poster asked, "Why is it so hard to be honest?". Perhaps that's a question you can answer for yourself.

 

It appears you've tentatively made the decision to tell your H, since you don't want to live with someone you don't love. Because you are in love with someone else. I think what most people are getting at is, what allowed you to fall in love with someone else? You must have crossed many lines and created a web of lies and deceit in order have this love. That's at the heart of your issues. Honesty and actions based on honesty.

[Artie Lang]

Here's a bit of info for all you attackers. I have decide to end my marriage, regardless of what OM does. I cant stand the judgmental views I have received while looking for support on this sight. Both of our marriages were

broken before we crossed the line. However, if OM can salvage his relationship.......then it wasn't meant to be. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my life with a man I do not love. I am in counseling, and THANK GOD have

found some answers despite the negativity I witnessed here.............................................. ...........

 

so now it's this board's fault that your marriage is kaput... HILARIOUS. you, and you alone put yourself in this position.

 

just two days ago you posted on the Other side that you and your AP had planned on leaving your respective spouses- unbeknownst to them -and ride off into the sunset in affair bliss. what happened?

 

i'll tell you what happened. your beloved AP has had second thoughts about it and left you out in the cold.

 

furthermore, what do you mean by "support?" the continued deception of two unsuspecting human beings, while you two were making plans to ditch them when the time was right. that you two were going through the motions of reconciliation, while the the ultimate plan was already decided long ago- GET REAL!

 

 

i hope your counsler can guide you in the right direction, but first he/she needs to teach you a little something called "personal accountability".

 

the only thing you've done right so far is freed your husband from being a cuckold.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Artie Lang

[Spectre]

I've read numerous posts of yours. Unless a person is a complete psychopath, they are aware that their behavior is bad. Hence, why they're here. Constantly telling a WS how horrible they are and how they've ruined everything is NOT helpful.

 

Nor is crying "attack attack!" helpful.

 

I couldn't tell you if the MM is a sleazeball because I don't know him. I see things different than you. I don't believe that cheating defines who a person is in every aspect of their life. You blatantly told me I shouldn't put a positive spin on this. Which is not what I did at all. I just personally try not to think negatively even if it's a bad situation. I don't wish to continue arguing with you. I respectfully agree to disagree with the majority of your opinions. Good day to you!

 

You don't need to tell me whether or not he is a sleazeball, I already know he is by the whole "knowingly got with a married woman" thing. Yes, I told you don't put a positive spin on it..and? Yes? What about it? That isn't an attack.

[Spectre]

Here's a bit of info for all you attackers. I have decide to end my marriage, regardless of what OM does.

 

Great, thanks for freeing this man. This is the best thing you have ever done for him.

 

I cant stand the judgmental views I have received while looking for support on this sight. Both of our marriages were broken before we crossed the line.

 

My grandma used to say if you can't stand the heat then why'd you come into the kitchen in the first place? Seriously though, if you can't stand to be judged for crappy behavior then maybe stop behaving in a crappy way? It's that simple, if you don't want people judging you for treating people terrible..you kinda have to not treat people terribly. Why do people think they can behave badly and then moan about it when someone calls them on it?

 

Both your marriages were broken before you crossed the line? Sounds to me like more justification for your actions.

 

However, if OM can salvage his relationship.......then it wasn't meant to be. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my life with a man I do not love. I am in counseling, and THANK GOD have found some answers despite the negativity I witnessed here.........................................................

 

As long as we are thanking god for things I wanna give the guy a big shout out and thank him that your husband finally find out about the type of person he was married to. As for you and the OM? I am convinced it is meant to be, you are two pea's in a pod it seems. I'm sure prince charming will make you quite happy. I suppose now you can truly aspire to your screen name. Obviously the OM is a huge catch, who wouldn't want this class act? Please don't ever bring your kids around him though, not ever, not one single time.

Edited April 19, 2014 by Spectre