If only I had the time back ...

[dubliner]

Your post makes me feel sad for you and all those who can relate to it.

It emphasises the fact that far too many people are relying on someone else to make them happy, waiting, pining, for that man or woman to make things all hunky dory and when they don't ..the years of waiting are lost, a waste.

Live your life for you, enjoy the things you do for the simple reason that YOU enjoy them, you do not NEED a partner to be happy, a partner should be an addition to an otherwise content and fulfilling life, not the patch that fixes an unhappy one.

[Attachment issues]

I am 51 and now OW, married and D 3 times. There is opportunity out there even for us oldies, too many lonely people really. I don't regret my ups and downs. Surely there was good in the time you devoted to the R and your happiness rubbed off on your children. My now adult children benefited from my marriages and of course were "toughened up" when they saw the Relationships fail. Please don't feel time is wasted. You still have lots of time

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm speechless. Thank you for all the wonderful replies and for the compliments and kind words - they brought tears to my eyes. There are so many wonderful people here. I can't thank you enough.

 

It is definitely nice to finally think about the future in a positive way. It has been a long road to get here.

 

I regret the lost time but I don't regret the things I have learned, and I can't regret loving someone with all of my heart and trusting him, even though it was not the right person or the right time.

 

I'll be 50 soon but I just got a new dog so I'm not alone Who knows what else the future will hold?

[georgia girl]

How did you do it?

 

Honestly? I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me. My story is that we were walking down the street and he told me he couldn't marry me. Every time I thought about any one of the good memories, I'd make myself remember that. And it hardened my heart.

 

I was also the brutal queen of no-contact. He called, he texted, he showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't there). Each time, I got a little high. I won't lie. It was GREAT having him reach out to me. It was EVEN BETTER to ignore. I felt like I had all of the power. Because he had reached out, the ball was in MY court to respond. I could then, theoretically, respond whenever I really wanted to. Sure, there were times where I felt the window had started to close - that I had gone too long without responding and therefore it would look like I was making the first move - but then he always would reach out again.

 

And like other posters advise, I got on with my own life everyday. Even the days I didn't want to. Even on the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry my heart out forever. I also exercised - nothing like exercise-induced endorphins. And I wrote list upon list upon list of things I'd like to do so that every time I thought of him, I would find something on that list to do to get away from my thoughts.

 

My final "get over him" strategy was "Think, Act, Do." Every time I started to think of him, I knew I'd start to wallow. I wasn't a young woman. I knew I had a tendency to hold on to long to dead relationships. I knew that I mourned them far longer than they needed to be mourned and that I romanticized my "exes" into being perfect for me. So, this time, I was brutal with myself. If I thought about him, I had to act or do. Acting meant getting up and doing something positive; doing meant thinking about what he did to me.

 

Amazingly, after all the years of advice other friends had given me on how to get over someone (and it all pretty much mirrored the above), this worked like a charm. Not only did I get over this guy in record time, but I met the love of my life very shortly afterwards and I haven't regretted a second of our lives together. And of course, like they always do, my ex came back. I actually felt sorry for him. What he wanted to recapture I had no desire for (and I mean absolutely no desire for) but I don't wish him ill. I genuinely wish he'd find someone and get over his fear of commitment. I'm just not offering for it to be me.

 

I am the absolute happiest I have ever been. I have now the relationship I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I'm the demanding one, sometimes my husband takes a little too much. But in general, we are good to each other and we were both old enough and wise enough to appreciate what we finally found when we found each other.

 

If I could give anyone advice who is suffering with a broken heart it would be to truly let them go. It will hurt and it has to come from within, but it is so worth it. This little bit of pain - that feels overwhelming at times - really does lead to a better place. Trust me, I did it the other way for easily an extra 15 years of my life. Once I learned to let go, set boundaries in my relationships and be a genuinely good partner, I got everything I was looking for. I really want that for everyone.

 

Hugs, Kali. You can do this.

[Mickey1982]

Honestly? I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me. My story is that we were walking down the street and he told me he couldn't marry me. Every time I thought about any one of the good memories, I'd make myself remember that. And it hardened my heart.

 

I was also the brutal queen of no-contact. He called, he texted, he showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't there). Each time, I got a little high. I won't lie. It was GREAT having him reach out to me. It was EVEN BETTER to ignore. I felt like I had all of the power. Because he had reached out, the ball was in MY court to respond. I could then, theoretically, respond whenever I really wanted to. Sure, there were times where I felt the window had started to close - that I had gone too long without responding and therefore it would look like I was making the first move - but then he always would reach out again.

 

And like other posters advise, I got on with my own life everyday. Even the days I didn't want to. Even on the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry my heart out forever. I also exercised - nothing like exercise-induced endorphins. And I wrote list upon list upon list of things I'd like to do so that every time I thought of him, I would find something on that list to do to get away from my thoughts.

 

My final "get over him" strategy was "Think, Act, Do." Every time I started to think of him, I knew I'd start to wallow. I wasn't a young woman. I knew I had a tendency to hold on to long to dead relationships. I knew that I mourned them far longer than they needed to be mourned and that I romanticized my "exes" into being perfect for me. So, this time, I was brutal with myself. If I thought about him, I had to act or do. Acting meant getting up and doing something positive; doing meant thinking about what he did to me.

 

Amazingly, after all the years of advice other friends had given me on how to get over someone (and it all pretty much mirrored the above), this worked like a charm. Not only did I get over this guy in record time, but I met the love of my life very shortly afterwards and I haven't regretted a second of our lives together. And of course, like they always do, my ex came back. I actually felt sorry for him. What he wanted to recapture I had no desire for (and I mean absolutely no desire for) but I don't wish him ill. I genuinely wish he'd find someone and get over his fear of commitment. I'm just not offering for it to be me.

 

I am the absolute happiest I have ever been. I have now the relationship I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I'm the demanding one, sometimes my husband takes a little too much. But in general, we are good to each other and we were both old enough and wise enough to appreciate what we finally found when we found each other.

 

If I could give anyone advice who is suffering with a broken heart it would be to truly let them go. It will hurt and it has to come from within, but it is so worth it. This little bit of pain - that feels overwhelming at times - really does lead to a better place. Trust me, I did it the other way for easily an extra 15 years of my life. Once I learned to let go, set boundaries in my relationships and be a genuinely good partner, I got everything I was looking for. I really want that for everyone.

 

Hugs, Kali. You can do this.

 

 

Amazing post, georgia girl. Thank you for saying ----I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me----this hit me like a ton of bricks! I can't thank you enough!

[Popsicle]

Wow, that's rough. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain.

 

The only thing that has made me not feel like I wasted time was the fact that I had already decided before I even met my MM, not to date anyone while I was working on some things. So, I wouldn't have been dating anyone else anyway.

[Hope Shimmers]

Honestly? I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me. My story is that we were walking down the street and he told me he couldn't marry me. Every time I thought about any one of the good memories, I'd make myself remember that. And it hardened my heart.

 

I was also the brutal queen of no-contact. He called, he texted, he showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't there). Each time, I got a little high. I won't lie. It was GREAT having him reach out to me. It was EVEN BETTER to ignore. I felt like I had all of the power. Because he had reached out, the ball was in MY court to respond. I could then, theoretically, respond whenever I really wanted to. Sure, there were times where I felt the window had started to close - that I had gone too long without responding and therefore it would look like I was making the first move - but then he always would reach out again.

 

And like other posters advise, I got on with my own life everyday. Even the days I didn't want to. Even on the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry my heart out forever. I also exercised - nothing like exercise-induced endorphins. And I wrote list upon list upon list of things I'd like to do so that every time I thought of him, I would find something on that list to do to get away from my thoughts.

 

My final "get over him" strategy was "Think, Act, Do." Every time I started to think of him, I knew I'd start to wallow. I wasn't a young woman. I knew I had a tendency to hold on to long to dead relationships. I knew that I mourned them far longer than they needed to be mourned and that I romanticized my "exes" into being perfect for me. So, this time, I was brutal with myself. If I thought about him, I had to act or do. Acting meant getting up and doing something positive; doing meant thinking about what he did to me.

 

Amazingly, after all the years of advice other friends had given me on how to get over someone (and it all pretty much mirrored the above), this worked like a charm. Not only did I get over this guy in record time, but I met the love of my life very shortly afterwards and I haven't regretted a second of our lives together. And of course, like they always do, my ex came back. I actually felt sorry for him. What he wanted to recapture I had no desire for (and I mean absolutely no desire for) but I don't wish him ill. I genuinely wish he'd find someone and get over his fear of commitment. I'm just not offering for it to be me.

 

I am the absolute happiest I have ever been. I have now the relationship I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I'm the demanding one, sometimes my husband takes a little too much. But in general, we are good to each other and we were both old enough and wise enough to appreciate what we finally found when we found each other.

 

If I could give anyone advice who is suffering with a broken heart it would be to truly let them go. It will hurt and it has to come from within, but it is so worth it. This little bit of pain - that feels overwhelming at times - really does lead to a better place. Trust me, I did it the other way for easily an extra 15 years of my life. Once I learned to let go, set boundaries in my relationships and be a genuinely good partner, I got everything I was looking for. I really want that for everyone.

 

Hugs, Kali. You can do this.

 

This is one of the best posts I've ever read here. You give incredibly valuable information on how to get through this. I wish I had read it years ago.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Honestly? I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me. My story is that we were walking down the street and he told me he couldn't marry me. Every time I thought about any one of the good memories, I'd make myself remember that. And it hardened my heart.

 

I was also the brutal queen of no-contact. He called, he texted, he showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't there). Each time, I got a little high. I won't lie. It was GREAT having him reach out to me. It was EVEN BETTER to ignore. I felt like I had all of the power. Because he had reached out, the ball was in MY court to respond. I could then, theoretically, respond whenever I really wanted to. Sure, there were times where I felt the window had started to close - that I had gone too long without responding and therefore it would look like I was making the first move - but then he always would reach out again.

 

And like other posters advise, I got on with my own life everyday. Even the days I didn't want to. Even on the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry my heart out forever. I also exercised - nothing like exercise-induced endorphins. And I wrote list upon list upon list of things I'd like to do so that every time I thought of him, I would find something on that list to do to get away from my thoughts.

 

My final "get over him" strategy was "Think, Act, Do." Every time I started to think of him, I knew I'd start to wallow. I wasn't a young woman. I knew I had a tendency to hold on to long to dead relationships. I knew that I mourned them far longer than they needed to be mourned and that I romanticized my "exes" into being perfect for me. So, this time, I was brutal with myself. If I thought about him, I had to act or do. Acting meant getting up and doing something positive; doing meant thinking about what he did to me.

 

Amazingly, after all the years of advice other friends had given me on how to get over someone (and it all pretty much mirrored the above), this worked like a charm. Not only did I get over this guy in record time, but I met the love of my life very shortly afterwards and I haven't regretted a second of our lives together. And of course, like they always do, my ex came back. I actually felt sorry for him. What he wanted to recapture I had no desire for (and I mean absolutely no desire for) but I don't wish him ill. I genuinely wish he'd find someone and get over his fear of commitment. I'm just not offering for it to be me.

 

I am the absolute happiest I have ever been. I have now the relationship I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I'm the demanding one, sometimes my husband takes a little too much. But in general, we are good to each other and we were both old enough and wise enough to appreciate what we finally found when we found each other.

 

If I could give anyone advice who is suffering with a broken heart it would be to truly let them go. It will hurt and it has to come from within, but it is so worth it. This little bit of pain - that feels overwhelming at times - really does lead to a better place. Trust me, I did it the other way for easily an extra 15 years of my life. Once I learned to let go, set boundaries in my relationships and be a genuinely good partner, I got everything I was looking for. I really want that for everyone.

 

Hugs, Kali. You can do this.

 

 

It is very important in life to constantly be aware when our coping mechanisms are not working for us, and to seek new healthier ways.

 

Kudos to you, for putting yourself first, and reworking what needed reworking.

[sunburned]

Honestly? I ruthlessly reminded myself every time I thought of him how badly he let me down and how he had hurt me. My story is that we were walking down the street and he told me he couldn't marry me. Every time I thought about any one of the good memories, I'd make myself remember that. And it hardened my heart.

 

I was also the brutal queen of no-contact. He called, he texted, he showed up at my house (thank God I wasn't there). Each time, I got a little high. I won't lie. It was GREAT having him reach out to me. It was EVEN BETTER to ignore. I felt like I had all of the power. Because he had reached out, the ball was in MY court to respond. I could then, theoretically, respond whenever I really wanted to. Sure, there were times where I felt the window had started to close - that I had gone too long without responding and therefore it would look like I was making the first move - but then he always would reach out again.

 

I want to be you when I grow up.

 

And like other posters advise, I got on with my own life everyday. Even the days I didn't want to. Even on the days I wanted to stay in bed and cry my heart out forever. I also exercised - nothing like exercise-induced endorphins. And I wrote list upon list upon list of things I'd like to do so that every time I thought of him, I would find something on that list to do to get away from my thoughts.

 

My final "get over him" strategy was "Think, Act, Do." Every time I started to think of him, I knew I'd start to wallow. I wasn't a young woman. I knew I had a tendency to hold on to long to dead relationships. I knew that I mourned them far longer than they needed to be mourned and that I romanticized my "exes" into being perfect for me. So, this time, I was brutal with myself. If I thought about him, I had to act or do. Acting meant getting up and doing something positive; doing meant thinking about what he did to me.

 

I love posts with practical advice!

 

 

Going to try THINK, ACT, DO.

[skywriter]

[QUOTE=Hope Shimmers;5610666]This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately - how many years I was involved in the A or else in trying to extricate myself from the A, trying to be "friends" with him. Trying to get along. Or suffering and miserable. When all of this started I was in my late 30s - now I am 49.

 

I feel now like I didn't even live during those years. I threw an entire decade-plus of my life away on a relationship that ultimately destroyed who I was as an independent, carefree, happy person and turned me into a shell of myself. I wish I had a dollar for every day I spent in absolutely agony, sure that I was going to die (or wanting to die) because of the devastation that this A caused.

 

I would give anything for those years back, but I'll never have them.

 

May will be two years of NC, for myself and the XMM.

 

I was in the A for 6 years. I turned 50 years old in March and the XMM sent me a birthday wish through my son.

 

I can only describe those 6 years, as the years of my self inflicted nonsense, because I am responsible for what I do and what I allow, to be done to me, for an extended period of time.

 

Getting out of the A helped me to get back to my old self and I allowed someone single and available to enter my life, after one year of NC.

 

I couldn't move on until I initiated moving on and stuck to it.

 

I wish everyone struggling with ending an A the strength and fortitude to follow through.

 

Hope Shimmers thank you for sharing your experience and I believe you must be an incredible woman and in your time you will allow yourself, the opportunity to share life with someone equally as incredible.

 

When we love ourselves , love gravitates toward us.

Edited April 2, 2014 by skywriter

[Mickey1982]

[QUOTE=Hope Shimmers;5610666]This is something I've been thinking a lot about lately - how many years I was involved in the A or else in trying to extricate myself from the A, trying to be "friends" with him. Trying to get along. Or suffering and miserable. When all of this started I was in my late 30s - now I am 49.

 

I feel now like I didn't even live during those years. I threw an entire decade-plus of my life away on a relationship that ultimately destroyed who I was as an independent, carefree, happy person and turned me into a shell of myself. I wish I had a dollar for every day I spent in absolutely agony, sure that I was going to die (or wanting to die) because of the devastation that this A caused.

 

I would give anything for those years back, but I'll never have them.

 

May will be two years of NC, for myself and the XMM.

 

I was in the A for 6 years. I turned 50 years old in March and the XMM sent me a birthday wish through my son.

 

I can only describe those 6 years, as the years of my self inflicted nonsense, because I am responsible for what I do and what I allow, to be done to me, for an extended period of time.

 

Getting out of the A helped me to get back to my old self and I allowed someone single and available to enter my life, after one year of NC.

 

I couldn't move on until I initiated moving on and stuck to it.

 

I wish everyone struggling with ending an A the strength and fortitude to follow through.

 

Hope Shimmers thank you for sharing your experience and I believe you must be an incredible woman and in your time you will allow yourself, the opportunity to share life with someone equally as incredible.

 

When we love ourselves , love gravitates toward us.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your your story...you give somelike like me who feels totally hopeless the faith that one day I'll be on the other side.