Suhada Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 I feel like a real jerk saying this to a message group, but I need help with my SO. We aren't officially married, though we have a committed relationship, three beautiful children and engagement rings somewhere in this house. My problem is that I have lost that romantic connection, and replaced it more with a subtle, but constant, frustration. It becomes more obvious by the day what a total self-absorbed ****-up he chooses to be with his family. With friends he's Mr. Perfect, and if it has to do with his entertainment it gets done right away. But us? Nope. He doesn't want to hear about it. He didn't work for about 2 1/2 years, during which time I supported our family with my work-at-home job. He doesn't take care of our kids basic needs - great daddy playmate, very funny guy and very close to the kids, but feed them? Change their diapers? Keep an eye on them at Chucky Cheese? No way. That's mom stuff. Never mind that he doesn't clean the house, he doesn't take care of the yard, he doesn't take our kids to doctor appointments or talk about their health at all. Nevermind he has spent our bill money on video games or other entertainment time after time after time, leaving me to deal with disconnection notices. The worst thing about this relationship is the negativity. He screams all the time, and it's had a very bad reaction on my personality. It's hard for me not to be snippy with my kids when all day I've heard their dad yelling about losing a video game, or xyz ridiculous thing. He also yells at our kids about the smallest things, things he doesn't expect from himself, and these change on a dime. It will be a sin one day and perfectly fine the next, until he gets annoyed at something else and then someone's a big idiot. I kicked him out once for being too mean to our 6 year old, and he made his way back, but he is still very negative and takes very little responsibility for himself. I'm at the point of no return, and I want to go back. I want to like him as much as I love him, which is a heck of a lot. I don't want to find myself fantasizing about a man who pays the bills, and has money left over to do routine maintenance on the house. (How sick are these fantasies anyway??) I want him to be as wonderful and loving to us as he is to everyone else. I just don't know how to make that happen, and despite frequent talks on this dating back to Nov of 2003, nothing is helping. I wish my mother was alive and could give me some advice but she isn't and probably wouldn't given the opportunity. So, is there anyone around here who has dealt with this and found a positive solution? How did you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 why has he not been working in two years? I am sure it affects his mood, but since you're not married, toss him out! Get full custody of the kids. Yo won't get spousal support but at least you'll get rid of the leech. Link to post Share on other sites
20000me Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Suhada, Obviously you so in love with him that you tolerate with all this stuffs! Wake up....it has been two years you supporting him. Make a list and write down what is so special about him that you want to be with him. I think your negative items must be longer than the positive one. I've been into this kind of relationship before, he made my self esteem so low that make me believe that without him I cannot live. Trust me, you will live and HAPPIER. Its only hard at the beginning coz' you are so into ROUTINE such as seeing him, talk to him, sleep with him and do things with him. But once you break this routine you'll be okay. Secondly, if you still want to be in this relationship, work it out. Sit down and talk to him about your concerns, if he does not want to change, kick him out and he will start thinking where else he can find a woman like you! I don't think lots of women want to support men for two years and not contributing to anything. At least if he helps you with kids and house chores, that will be something. You just having a leech at home. Time to start thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 if you want to be adoormat and take his crap, that's fine-sadly, too many women fall in the category of 'doormat', saying stupid s*** like "yes, i know he's awful, but I LOVE HIM!" AS if that's EVER an excuse. Or the one you gave "I don't like him, but I love him!" Co-dependency written all over the place! So if it were just you, I'd tell you to stay with him because doormats always do. But since you have kids, i hope you enough sense not to submit them to his abusive ways. If you like abuse, fine-don't teach your kids to like it too. They deserve better. And what kind of loser plays video games? Is he thirty going on 16? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suhada Posted January 30, 2005 Author Share Posted January 30, 2005 In my situation, he's a wonderful "fun dad". That is the main reason I was hoping to avoid kicking him out of the house. Thanks to the advice-givers. 20000me, I think your advice was spot on and I'm going to try it. It's good to know someone else has been in the same position. Let you know how it goes - Suhada "I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong." ~ Leo Rosten Link to post Share on other sites
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