Forgiveness To A Wayward Wife - Shocking reaction

[RedHawk08]

So as we all know, Wayward Wives knock up a fairly distorted story to take guilt off themselves.

After a year, you have to be pretty mentally strong to survive it.

 

So I try to have a reasonable conversation with mine before we divorce.

She doesn't want to meet up anymore. The three occaisions we have, I saw her go soft, then she has to talk herself out of any reconcilliation.

 

So it's IM only now.

 

What happened next was tragic, sometimes amusing but very childish.

 

After a conversation where she continued to hold most of all this down to me, denying anything good we had and saying how we never really knew each other....

 

I offered forgiveness for all the crappy things she had done to me leading up to and during our separation. Mentioning no particular thing yet.

 

She went ballistic!

"You're not forgiving me for anything! If you were you would do the mature thing and forget about it!"

"I'm just forgiving you for all the unpleasantness is all. Do you want a list of everything I'm forgiving you for?"

"No. There is nothing more to talk about. It's over. Good night".

"Avoiding isn't very mature. It's tragic that altering history is better for your guilt than unconditional forgiveness".

"I have nothing more to say. I don't want to know. Some things are better left unsaid. Good night".

 

So, when you have a WW who is an avoider type personality at the best of times, you're in for a real challenge!

 

How I did not get blocked on FB for this is unreal!

[Arieswoman]

So I try to have a reasonable conversation with mine before we divorce.

 

Why?

 

She doesn't sound like she was reasonable with regard to her behaviour, so why waste your time with her?

[RedHawk08]

Kinda funny there, she's an Aries too. So you can probably relate to her stubborness a little.

 

I won't sugar coat it. I still love her.

 

She's built up this little fantasy land bubble for a while, where all of her unreasonable behaviour is quite justified to herself.

And here I am, about to burst it with some reality.

 

Of course she's going to react badly. She's an avoider of even simple things. A failing marriage is going to be a big mess.

She also realises that she told some dirty secrets to a friend who can't really be trusted.

 

All quite a big mess really!

 

I'm not deluding myself. The chances of working this out now are slim to none.

 

But I guess I'm the kind of guy that likes to fix things properly. Not just run away. And be able to live knowing that I did everything.

[road]

Kinda funny there, she's an Aries too. So you can probably relate to her stubborness a little.

 

I won't sugar coat it. I still love her.

 

She's built up this little fantasy land bubble for a while, where all of her unreasonable behaviour is quite justified to herself.

And here I am, about to burst it with some reality.

 

Of course she's going to react badly. She's an avoider of even simple things. A failing marriage is going to be a big mess.

She also realises that she told some dirty secrets to a friend who can't really be trusted.

 

All quite a big mess really!

 

I'm not deluding myself. The chances of working this out now are slim to none.

 

But I guess I'm the kind of guy that likes to fix things properly. Not just run away. And be able to live knowing that I did everything.

 

 

 

She is what she is. She knows what she did. She can not admit it for now. Maybe she will with enough time. Though you should not hold your breath waiting.

[RedHawk08]

I agree with you.

I find it hard to respect people that run away from issues that could be easily resolved.

That applies to any situation in life.

 

I lost a little respect for her due to her actions last night.

Maybe I'm too understanding for my own good.

[aliveagain]

I agree with you.

I find it hard to respect people that run away from issues that could be easily resolved.

That applies to any situation in life.

 

I lost a little respect for her due to her actions last night.

Maybe I'm too understanding for my own good.

 

I hope you lost all respect for her. She is very poor wife material, she cheats, has boundary issues and by the sounds of it, a very poor communicator. Trust me on this, you will meet someone that loves you for who you are, you will love again. Your so to be ex wife will just be another face in the crowd in a few years and you will one day remember that a stranger on a blog told you that. You can stop this anytime you want because your the only one keeping you in this mess.

[KathyM]

You can't "fix" her. For one thing, she doesn't want to be fixed. And you don't have the power or ability to fix her. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move on with your life. She has no respect for you either.

[RedHawk08]

In the interests of balance, I have made some mistakes too. Mostly in poor communication due to an extremely stressful time for us both.

 

My wife made a mistake. Once. Taken advantage of while lonely as I was approaching a nervous breakdown. By a boss abusing his position.

She is a good girl deep down, doing what she can.

 

Her former best friend is a nasty manipulative little bitch. I know this as I recently discovered that she was the reason by last relationship ended too.

 

Whatever happens, will happen.

This whole separation has really been all positives from where I can see for myself. Long needed changes made. Which must be hard for my wife to witness.

 

Her life however has been, in her words, "a pretty f***ed up reality", where she is very lonely. Thousands of miles from her family.

She hasn't been very truthful to a lot of people, including them.

 

As I say, this is a perfect example of WW behaviour.

Which I believe needs to be treated with some understanding.

[KathyM]

One thing I noticed with men like you, who think they can fix a person, which is called "White Knight Complex", is that they don't want to accept the reality of their situation. They try to hold on to their idealized view of how their partner should be, or try to turn their partner into someone that she is not. They don't see the reality. They don't want to accept that they're not able to fix someone. The sooner you accept that she is who she is and start seeing the reality of that, the sooner you will be able to move on with your life.

[RedHawk08]

I'm not trying to "fix" anyone. Just sharing a story that some other readers may relate to. Or preparing other readers for a similar scenario.

 

I don't believe in "fixing people". I promised my wife that I would love her no matter what. Whether she is with me or not too.

Even after the divorce papers have been finalised. Which I am still waiting to appear.

[KathyM]

I'm not trying to "fix" anyone. Just sharing a story that some other readers may relate to. Or preparing other readers for a similar scenario.

 

I don't believe in "fixing people". I promised my wife that I would love her no matter what. Whether she is with me or not too.

Even after the divorce papers have been finalised. Which I am still waiting to appear.

The problem is, your wife is not remorseful for her infidelity, she shifts the blame to you, and she is not interested in working on herself or even discussing the issue, so there really is nowhere to go from there, other than to separate. It's good that you have been working on your own issues, but it sounds like she is not interested in working on hers. People who are conflict avoidant, like your wife is, do not want to deal with reality, or to accept responsibility, or to work on issues. They want to avoid them by refusing to discuss them. By all means, forgive your wife for her betrayal, but then move on with your life and realize that it doesn't work to be with someone who will not accept responsibility for her actions, is not remorseful for them, and refuses to discuss it.

[No Limit]

It's all the sadder when this kind of people wake up after years and are all like "damn". The kind that can be manipulated and apparently can barely hold its own ground.

 

Ah well, her bubble's gonna burst someday anyway. They all do.

[RightThere]

Kinda funny there, she's an Aries too. So you can probably relate to her stubborness a little.

 

I won't sugar coat it. I still love her.

 

She's built up this little fantasy land bubble for a while, where all of her unreasonable behaviour is quite justified to herself.

And here I am, about to burst it with some reality.

 

Of course she's going to react badly. She's an avoider of even simple things. A failing marriage is going to be a big mess.

She also realises that she told some dirty secrets to a friend who can't really be trusted.

 

All quite a big mess really!

 

I'm not deluding myself. The chances of working this out now are slim to none.

 

But I guess I'm the kind of guy that likes to fix things properly. Not just run away. And be able to live knowing that I did everything.

 

That's a tough situation. It is not easy to still love her, but for the most part you are moving ahead really well. You should be proud of yourself and all that you've done.

 

Only advice I would give is don't try to be right anymore with her. Being right is meaningless. And really you are doing more harm than good. The real world knows what you are trying to do, but you cannot force your ex's bubble to burst. It needs to burst all on it's own without you forcing a needle into it. Otherwise your ex will continue to resent you and stay in her fog because you are the easily identifiable bad guy.

 

Not what you want to hear right now, but if the odds are "slim" as opposed to "none" she needs to wake herself up and figure out what she's screwed up. You cannot read the book to her, she needs to pick up the book and read it herself.

 

Good luck.