mail-me Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 I have been in a online relationship with someone for a year , it started because my marriage was over I thought. I was at a point where I thought nothing was ever gonna change and did everything I could to save it , I asked H to move out and that is what seemed to wake him up , now he is begging me for a third chance to prove that he realizes what he has done and wants to make up for being the self centered jerk he was, he seems sincere. If I decide to believe that he is a changed man, how do i end the on-line thing , he has been there through all of the struggles of the past year and don't want to hurt him ? But know if I am gonna work on putting my marriage back togeather i have to end it. after thought.... what if he is the one I am surpose to be with ? and ending it will destroy my chances of true happiness ? The choices we make today determine our future of tomarrow, but how do you determine what is the best one ? p.s The person i am on-line with is someone I know personally not just a total stranger. I did not meet him on-line . Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 It really pisses me off when people suddenly "wake up" when you tell them a relationship is over. I don't know that many men are capable of making enough of a permanent change to justify giving it another whirl without going back to their old behaviors. But I think you ought to try. But you seem to have a lot of doubt. I really don't see how you could have been working on your marriage much if you've been carrying on an online relationship. But I do understand that you well communicated your displeasure to your husband. Your online activity took time away that you could have been more effectively communicating with him. On the other hand, it did take this last resort to wake him up. For your own mental well being, I think you should go with another try at saving your marriage. However, the effort has got to be wholehearted and much different than the times before. You are going to have to have concrete, sound strategies for communication, mutual activities, behavioral changes, etc. that are going to heal your marriage. Doing things the same way as before can only work temporary...you want this to be permanent and that will take work. It wouldn't help to seek counselling from a competent therapist who specializes in helping rescue relationships. Your online relationship has only been satisfying to you because of your bad marriage. And it has taken away from your marriage as well. While this person might make a great mate, he could be a nightmare as well. Living with someone 24/7 is galaxies apart from chatting with them on a computer. I know you've met him and person and know him that way, you've not nearly spent enough time with him in person in the flesh to know what he's really like. People can type anything they want in Email and in chat rooms. If within six months, or whatever timeframe you want to give it, there is not marked improvement in your marriage with the reasonable expectation of it being permanent (with the ususual ups and downs, no relationship is perfect), then you should terminate it. But don't jump into something with your online honey. You've already gotten yourself into one pickle. The greatest measure of the success of your online fling is because of your emotional vulnerability. If you get out of your marriage, you will be free to pursue what is out there, to explore and see what people and situations can be happiest for you. As far as breaking up your online thing, you just need to be very straightforward. If you decided to give your marriage another whirl, simply tell your cyberhoney that your first allegiance has to be to the man you made your wedding vows with. Let him know that you are unavailable now and cannot continue any kind of online relationship while you are in the process of healing your marriage. If he tries to talk you out of it, you will have definite proof that he is without ethics and morals. Also, let your online friend know that if you ever do separate from your husband, once you are ready you intend to date around, get to know many people, make many friends...and that you are not going to rush into anything with anybody, including him. Link to post Share on other sites
mail-me Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 It is true , I have not worked on my marriage in the last year, but I really thought it as over , I was the only one who ever worked and fought for our marriage all this time and was quite frankly tired of it , and he has admitted that he never did anything to fix it , only hurt it , The other thing is I would have loved him forever , but now I have all these questions that he forced me to ask myself about what kinda man I really want to spend my life with that I never asked before, the hard part is I have ahard time believing in what he says because he lies , so he needs to show me not tell me , he says the fact that we have been seperated and he has not after the first month (that is, he persued another women before he even left here) gone to another women means that if he wanted out he would have taken this chance to go , Do you think this is true ? or should I take that as a sign ? I do question his motives in trying to stay in our marriage ya know the hell of divorce is enough to make you say things you really don't mean to avoid that , I know we have a love for each other , but it wasn't enough it seems all this time for him why does he think it would be now ? I want to believe him but I don't know if I am just being pulled and minipulated by him emotionally, for his own gain. I know most marriages its both people that caused the problem and need work but honestly before I thought it was over It was all him and he knows it . I loved him unconditionally and excepted him as he was and never put any demands on him , although a little special attention would have been nice, and he took advantage of my love totally so I had to draw the line with his cheating ,that I could not except. He just never seems to be satisfied with anything he has ever had is there a condition for that ? Link to post Share on other sites
Spiff via Tony Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 Your husband came from a highly dysfunctional family. He was probably emotionally and/or physically abused. He did not get a good example of, nor was he taught how to have, a good family relationship. Your newest post indicates you are pretty fed up with your marriage, you have gone the distance, you are frustrated, and you have reached the end. If that is so, go to an attorney on Monday and file for a divorce. Get it over with. The clock is ticking. Don't even screw around with it anymore. Don't mess up your mind in all this confusion that will only mess you up more and complicate things. You seem to have given this quite ample time. If you've done everything you can to save your marriage, just get out of it, move on, and use the rest of your days on this earth to be happy. My advice about not rushing into anything with your cyberbuddy still holds true. Read it again. You don't want to go out and rush into another dead end situation like you're in now. They all start out wonderful, otherwise you wouldn't have married the loser you're with. If you still have problems dealing with this matter, a professional counsellor would be very helpful to you in helping resolve your confusion and mixed emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
mail-me Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 You are right I am not ready for any kinda relationship now , because I am aware that I need to heal from my marriage, I do need to seek counceling both from a theripist and attorney . But still don't want to hurt my friend who has like I said has been there for me more then my husband ever was , is there an easy way ? a couple of different ways please ! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 You are incapable of hurting anyone. People own their own hurt and choose the feelings they desire. This online dude participated in a relationship fully well understanding your entire situation. You can't help it if he's dumb. When men screw around with married women, they need to understand there are consquences. Your biggest problem is you are too concerned about other people and willing to sacrifice your own life to keep from inconveniencing others. You need to DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU IN YOUR OWN LIFE. Let other people take care of themselves. The easiest way to deal with your friend is to tell him what you are going through and that you just want to be his friend right now. If you decide to stay in your marriage, then you will have to significantly reduce contact with your buddy. It's just not fair to yourself to put that kind of energy into something outside your marriage. If you decide to get a divorce or separate, you need to tell him you value his friendship but you need time away to heal. If he doesn't understand that, that's his problem and NOT yours. Stop worrying about everybody else and think about YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
mail-me Posted February 3, 2001 Share Posted February 3, 2001 You are right ~.~ I have always lived my life making sacrifices for everyone elses happiness never my own . How do you break a cycle like that, when you have done it all your life ? Thanks so much ...your advice has helped lots : ) Do you have training in therepy ? Link to post Share on other sites
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