crazyforlove Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Hello everyone! So I think I've gotten to the point where I've realized that I'm not happy when I'm single. I'm always worried about ending up alone and looking for the one. I want to break that because I'm pretty sure I'm coming off desperate. I do go to therapy so I want to start discussing this with my therapist my next session. I have also deleted my online dating profiles. I plan to start watching what I eat, exercising, and looking for a better job. Any more tips? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 Tasking therapy to examine fear of being alone could provide key insight to achieving happiness while single. Your therapist could tailor the work to the specifics of that fear, as the nuances and impetuses can be marked different for each person. I, personally, have always viewed people as the 'icing' on the cake of an otherwise fulfilling life. Icing does add to the flavor of the cake but the cake does just fine without it. Why? I have no idea. It's always been that way, even as a child, enjoying playmates but also loving hours of quiet time pursuing my own interests. The good news for you is, with a world of people seeking similar connections to the ones you currently desire, you'll never be alone. One possibility is validating that and changing the viewpoint on relationships from being 'forever' to being 'today' and what happens today is today and what happens tomorrow is tomorrow. If people change between today and tomorrow, then so can relationships, and people, as applicable. If fear of being alone drives 'commitment', seek methods to ameliorate that fear through viewing others in a different way, e.g. this one is good and healthy today and perhaps tomorrow and there are others to take their place if they don't work out and derive confidence from that perspective. Remember, you're in charge of the therapy process. Task your therapist to work the issues important to you. If therapy impinges upon fundamental aspects of your personality, you may want the therapist to be a licensed psychologist who specializes in those aspects; just like with a medical doctor, aspects of the mind have areas of specialty so find the most appropriate practitioner for your particular issue. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Better Posted March 29, 2014 Share Posted March 29, 2014 I agree 100% with Carhill, but that's a normal thing for me. He has a ton of wisdom and shares it well. I've been married (once), in long term relationships, in short term relationships, and have dated casually over the years. The one thing I can look back at when all of those relationships were good was that I was happy with myself and my life at the time. Adding someone when you are not happy with your life might make your experience more tolerable, but not perfect. As Carhill said, adding someone with whom you are compatible when you *are* happy with your life is icing on the cake. That's when I've seen most of my relationship success. I'm single by choice at the moment and working on rebuilding the life I want. I have a new job that I want to focus on, family that I enjoy, and a great circle of friends that enrich my life. Yes, I casually date now but am more looking for friends than relationships and am up front about that. Once I believe that I am happy where things are, I'll jump back into the more serious relationship mindset. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyforlove Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 I mean I think my fear comes from many things -I have self esteem issues because I was always called fat growing up even though I never truly was. I still think I'm fat these days and I am now obese. -I do want to work on my weight and get to be healthy but I just don't feel motivated enough. -I hate when people say "how are you single? you're so awesome." It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. -I feel like everyone around me is in relationships and I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on something. -I just feel like not too many guys approach me in general. Like I'm told I'm pretty and have a pretty good body but I feel like only creeps are the ones who make moves. And then a handful of guys who aren't creeps approach me but when I give them a chance, they screw up and I get dumped. It makes me feel like I'm just not going to find someone. Conversely: I know I need to stick to my standards. I do think logically like I'm only 24, almost 25. I will meet someone. I do believe waiting makes it sweeter. I am sticking to my promise of being truly single without talking or dating a guy for the next 6 months. I do believe I much rather be single than in an unhappy relationship. I want to build my confidence. I want to be make more friends and be friends with a guy first before I decide to give them a shot at dating. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I mean I think my fear comes from many things -I have self esteem issues because I was always called fat growing up even though I never truly was. I still think I'm fat these days and I am now obese. -I do want to work on my weight and get to be healthy but I just don't feel motivated enough. -I hate when people say "how are you single? you're so awesome." It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. -I feel like everyone around me is in relationships and I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on something. -I just feel like not too many guys approach me in general. Like I'm told I'm pretty and have a pretty good body but I feel like only creeps are the ones who make moves. And then a handful of guys who aren't creeps approach me but when I give them a chance, they screw up and I get dumped. It makes me feel like I'm just not going to find someone. Conversely: I know I need to stick to my standards. I do think logically like I'm only 24, almost 25. I will meet someone. I do believe waiting makes it sweeter. I am sticking to my promise of being truly single without talking or dating a guy for the next 6 months. I do believe I much rather be single than in an unhappy relationship. I want to build my confidence. I want to be make more friends and be friends with a guy first before I decide to give them a shot at dating. So men DO make moves on you. But these men you refer to as "creeps". What does that term "creep" mean to you? Not to offend, but I've learned that women typically call a man a "creep" when he isn't attractive as they'd hope for and when he doesn't have a lot of money. When he is attractive and does have money, the very same man would be considered a catch. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 just get out there and do the things you love, no matter what they are. participate in the hobbies you enjoy, go the restaurants that serve the foods you like, go see movies you might like, whatever floats your boat. you'll find endless happiness can come from doing the things you really like, and people are mysteriously attracted when you radiate that inner happiness because (weirdly) so many people lack it themselves and want to be with someone happier than they are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyforlove Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 So men DO make moves on you. But these men you refer to as "creeps". What does that term "creep" mean to you? Not to offend, but I've learned that women typically call a man a "creep" when he isn't attractive as they'd hope for and when he doesn't have a lot of money. When he is attractive and does have money, the very same man would be considered a catch. Creeps - like guys who are clearly only trying to sleep with me. I mean I do want a guy who has a college degree, a job, doesn't live at home, is independent, etc. because that's what I have and some of these other guys who step up don't bring that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Creeps - like guys who are clearly only trying to sleep with me. I mean I do want a guy who has a college degree, a job, doesn't live at home, is independent, etc. because that's what I have and some of these other guys who step up don't bring that. But my point is that "if he's only trying to sleep with you", yet has a college degree, good job, house, and dresses well, you would probably not consider him a creep and might welcome this. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
JourneyLady Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 But my point is that "if he's only trying to sleep with you", yet has a college degree, good job, house, and dresses well, you would probably not consider him a creep and might welcome this. Am I wrong? I don't know about the OP, but in my case (which is very similar to hers) you would be. I've been in exactly that situation with two different men and decided they were not into me, and let them go. One I had already slept with (but he was still looking online), and the other I didn't. "Creeps" is relative, but I won't be with anyone who has no interest in me other than sex anymore. Sex and housekeeping was all the ex-bf (of five years) was interested in. And wouldn't commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyforlove Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 But my point is that "if he's only trying to sleep with you", yet has a college degree, good job, house, and dresses well, you would probably not consider him a creep and might welcome this. Am I wrong? No I'm not trying to sleep around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyforlove Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 just get out there and do the things you love, no matter what they are. participate in the hobbies you enjoy, go the restaurants that serve the foods you like, go see movies you might like, whatever floats your boat. you'll find endless happiness can come from doing the things you really like, and people are mysteriously attracted when you radiate that inner happiness because (weirdly) so many people lack it themselves and want to be with someone happier than they are yeah! I find that whenever I go into one of these modes where I say I'm going to be truly single, some guy comes along and I give them a shot. For now, I'm promising myself 6 months of really being alone, no dating, talking, etc. to a guy. Just being friends with everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts