amishjedi Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 I love reading posts from everyone. I truly find it soothing and reassures me that life is not perfect! Here we go... 1) I'm 36, my wife is 33. 2) My 1st marriage (I was 20 with a pregnant girlfiend) ended in divorce...a 'shotgun' wedding for all the wrong reasons. I have a 16 year old daughter from this marriage, with shared parenting. Still good friends with ex-wife. 3) Been married for 7 years to my 2nd wife. We have a 5-year old son. 4) The 1st 1-2 years were great. Great sex and truly fun times. We seemd to be happy, and had mutual dreams for the future. 5) I went from 235 pounds to 400 pounds in 4-5 years. Needless to say, I was not attractive, enjoyable, or desirable to be around. I drove a wedge between my wife and my kids. I 'unplugged' myself from those I loved the most. I was constantly depressed, and avoided most social contact. 6) During this time, my wife and kids (mostly my wife & my son) learned to live without me, and we put on a 'happy face' around relatives/friends. Sex during this time, mostly because of my obesity, was contrived and felt more like she was performing an obligation rather than making love to her husband. 7) My compulsive spending has nearly bankrupted us over the years. I was always promising my wife that I would go back to school (degree), get us that dream house, get a better job, have a nice savings account, plan for retirement, etc. I guess she got sick of my promises. Fast-forward to now: 1) 3 months ago I had weight loss surgery (Roux-en-Y gastric bypass) and have lost 118 pounds. I haven't felt this great in years! Everyone (even my in-laws and my co-workers) are telling me how great I look! I really have a zest for life and for 'getting back on track' with my wife & kids. 2) Unfortunately, my wife decided that we needed to separate for a "short time" and she went to live with her parents. It has been almost 1 month since she left. I truly believe she stayed as long as she did to 'see me' through my recent surgery, and to make sure I was doing well with the surgery. We have worked out a shared-parenting type of responsibility for our 5-years old son. 3) We have had many discussions about us becoming disconnected from each other. She tells me that "she is having a hard time being husband & wife" and that "she doesn't want to fake affection" after all those years of living as roommates. 4) We have decided to go to couples marrige counseling in order to find answers to some questions, such as: "can the marriage be saved?"..."how and/or if can we reconnect"...and "is it too late to fall in love with each other?" We have our first session next week. We have agreed that separation is the best option until we talk with the counselor. 5) We work together, on the same floor and in the same department. We met 10 years ago at work, engaged & married while at work, and see each other every day. We still go out to lunch, and talk on the phone. We really are very close friends, and have talked more in the past 3 weeks than the past 6 years. My questions/feelings: 1) I was foolish to think that I would have this surgery, become healthier & more attractive, and have my wife "flip the switch" and everything would be like it was when we first were married. However, why do I have resentment for her not 'seeing the sacrifice' I made via the surgery? Is this feeling fair to her? 2) She says that "all the changes have happened to me, so quickly" and that the weight-gain wasn't the only problem in the marriage. I feel more positive, more confident every day. Am I 'freaking' her out by being so 'gung-ho' and wanting to have the relationship do a complete 180-turn? 3) I have enrolled in school for my degree, been looking for a better job, and have been more frugal with our finances. I am in the process of moving to a nicer house (renting for now), as our old house needed some work and was a drag to live in. She has helped me move in (this weekend) and even helped me place furniture and appliances, while still living with her parents. Is this a sign that she likes the new house, and wants to arrange it 'her way' in the event she comes home? 4) I am trying to be the husband I started out to be, but am conflicted with how to show her I have changed. What steps can I take to show her I still want her, yet not be 'clingy' or desperate and drive her farther away? 5) She told me that I could have her mail/address forwarded to the new house, along with mine, and that she changed her address at work (payroll & human resources) to the new house. She also reminded me to order new checks for us with the new address. This seems very confusing to me! She says that "it is normal for her to requests these things, as we are still married and have made no decisions about our future." Isn't that a conflicting message? Thanks for the wordy-post...it feels good to get that off my chest. Let the knowledge and advice begin! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 1) However, why do I have resentment for her not 'seeing the sacrifice' I made via the surgery? Is this feeling fair to her? Because, despite knowing that it's foolish to expect her to 'flip a switch', you still expect her to do it. The problem is that just because you have decided you are ready to make changes, she's suffering from the effects of all the years of your 'unplugging'. Keep listening to the smart bit that's telling you you're being unrealistic to expect her to leap onto your timetable. She says that "all the changes have happened to me, so quickly" and that the weight-gain wasn't the only problem in the marriage. I feel more positive, more confident every day. Am I 'freaking' her out by being so 'gung-ho' and wanting to have the relationship do a complete 180-turn? Imagine someone hitting you with a stick constantly for years. Even if he stops hitting you, you still have all the bruises and they still ache. He of course feels fine - he was doing the whacking and didn't get damaged himself. You unplugged - she was the one who suffered the loss since it wasn't her decision. Besides, she said it wasn't just the weight gain. I don't think it's that she's freaked out so much as she may have trouble believing it's for real and that it's permanent. 3) I have enrolled in school for my degree, been looking for a better job, and have been more frugal with our finances. Congratulations on making these positive changes! I expect once you've gotten excited about living your life better, you'll never go back. 4) I am trying to be the husband I started out to be, but am conflicted with how to show her I have changed. What steps can I take to show her I still want her, yet not be 'clingy' or desperate and drive her farther away? You will have to realize that it'll take time for her to be able to believe that you've truly changed. Don't go overboard but whatever it was she didn't like, ensure that you don't do it anymore. 5) Isn't that a conflicting message? Not really. She's not making hasty decisions. Be glad of that and hope she decides that the new you is the man she hoped for. And if she doesn't, you'll be in a much better state to be a good spouse to the next person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amishjedi Posted January 30, 2005 Author Share Posted January 30, 2005 moimeme, Wow...it seems I may be trying to play the 'martyr' or the victim here, when in actuality it is my wife who has suffered the brunt of the problems in the marriage from my withdrawl and disconnection. Your replies were very honest, which I appreciate. I will try and remain patient, respect her needs for the separation, and take it a day at a time. Jeff Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Good luck with both your self-renewal and with your relationship. I've known other folks to turn their lives around so it can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
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