Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 At first my H was charming, attentive, loving, understanding, and very much in love with me. That changed after I moved in with him. His jealousy, possessiveness, and abusive behaviors came to light. I've stuck by him. Trying to understand and fix things that he claimed "made" him abusive towards me. Last Saturday my mom was visiting from California when he flipped out on me, right in front of her!! This was their first time meeting. Then a few days later he was pissed about something else. Last night it was bad. We argued for hours. I slept on the couch. He got up in the morning and started in on me again. Telling me if I wanted to leave, to do it. But he had smashed my phone (or so I thought). I asked for it back while putting on my shoes and he threw it at me. I grabbed it and ran. I hid in the woods, but he found me. So I ran to the public library. He followed me in but not before accusing me of planning to **** whoever I called to pick me up (I was texting my best female friend). He said he would wait outside and beat the guy up. Eventually he left and I ran to a near by neighborhood. I was afraid to call my male friend to pick me up, he's in a wheelchair and my H is a big guy. My friend came anyway and dropped me off at a hotel. I'm going to the west coast tomorrow evening. He's promised he'll change, not to leave, he even said he was going to the hospital and he'd be dead in a few hours. I didn't fall for it. I'm finally taking care of myself and my unborn child before catering to his abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Wow that sounds absolutely horrible. Why didn't you call 911? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Wow that sounds absolutely horrible. Why didn't you call 911? Because for some reason I was still protecting him. He already has two strikes... Before he and I reconnected he was a dangerous man. Since he got out of prison he's changed a lot. But apparently he still sees women as "lesser than", and his mommy issues don't help. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Because for some reason I was still protecting him. He already has two strikes... Before he and I reconnected he was a dangerous man. Since he got out of prison he's changed a lot. But apparently he still sees women as "lesser than", and his mommy issues don't help. Oh, that's very interesting. It sucks that you went though that. Though, your safety and those you care about must always come first. It's good that your friend came, but you should have called the police. What if your friend got hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 That's very true. I made sure he didn't follow me before I told him where I was. And after he picked me up I wasn't visible from outside the car, just in case he was driving around looking for me. Ultimately I am just glad to not be so stressed. Now I have another set of worries to attend to. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) People like that do not change. Ask yourself if you're willing to accept him AS IS. If not, get out. Because not only will he stay AS IS, but if anything he will get even worse. I was married to a person like that. Got hit, struck with objects, things thrown at me, my property and sentimental items destroyed, falsely accused of several things, etc. Granted she was a woman, but abuse is abuse. Edited March 30, 2014 by M30USA 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 If at all possible, stay with your mom in Cali as long as possible. My sympathies. Some people are beyond rehabilitation. Sad reality. I've been around enough men like that to know their moves. Once you're gone long enough, he'll find a new target. The key is NC, lest he charm himself back into your life. Black hole NC is the only way in these cases. Be safe and good luck. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Unfortunately I am 4 months pregnant with his child. How does NC work in that case? In the state we married in we have to be legally seperated for a year before I can file for divorce. He's threatened to take the child away from me, but judging on his legal past, and current marijuana use, I think I can easily get custody. I don't want to permanently keep him from the child. But I'm not sure what to do. I never wanted it to end up like this. But it's no life for myself or my baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Sorry for your pain, OP. I can't imagine what a stressful and overwhelming situation you're in. You are very strong, and are definitely doing the right thing by getting out of that abusive environment. Did you guys move in together, and then get married? Had you seen some of these behaviors before you tied the knot? Also, are you expecting? If so, do you think there's a good chance you'll still have to see him as it relates to your child? Sometimes, we make choices in our life, and they're not always the best. NOTHING excuses his actions, but it might be helpful for you to get to the bottom of what helped you decide to marry him, and create a child. I think therapy would be good. Edit: I see you're 4 months along. OP, don't worry about ALL of the plans for the future right now. Just take some time to let things calm down. (((hugs))) Edited March 30, 2014 by Tiger Lily 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 We moved in then found out we were pregnant. Like I said, he wasn't abusive at first. I've known him since we were 10. He was always a sweetheart. I married him much sooner than I wanted because he said I could get excellent healthcare under his plan. Which turned out to be false. I wasn't covered (even though I saw the website and it said I would be). Before we married I saw small bits of this, but not to the extent I saw days after our ceremony. That night was the worst. After that I demanded he go to therapy or I'd be gone. It ended up being MC. At first it helped, but recently he's been doing well at his job, and treating me worse and worse. I made a mistake. But this child isn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiger Lily Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I made a mistake. But this child isn't it. A baby is a miracle, no matter what the circumstances. Take some time to re-group, and think about how to proceed. A time of separation (at the very least) is very wise, imo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 He'll be on the east coast, I'll be on the west. How's that for a separation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
topaMAXX Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 OP, not to be a D, but maybe next time, don't date guys with a criminal background. Because of your unborn child, he will always be in your life and will make a hellish life for the nice guy that you eventually settle down with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 OP, not to be a D, but maybe next time, don't date guys with a criminal background. Because of your unborn child, he will always be in your life and will make a hellish life for the nice guy that you eventually settle down with. A criminal background doesn't *have* to indicate verbally/emotionally abusive tendencies. I've known him for nearly two decades, this little problem of his was never apparent until I was deeply involved with him. I'm not even thinking of others in a romantic way. I'm focused on my child, and building a healthy environment for him/her. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Candy, I know you're on the move, but keep checking in when you can, okay? Hugs to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Good luck Candy. You are doing the right thing. Just go straight NC....there isno need to discuss baby at least until baby is born. See a lawyer when you reach your destination. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 keep safe C. You don`t need this guy in your life. You are doing the right thing. Check back like Mid said. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 . I'm focused on my child, and building a healthy environment for him/her. Perfect. That'll keep you busy for, oh, the next 18 years You're going to be a great mom! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Perfect. That'll keep you busy for, oh, the next 18 years You're going to be a great mom! With all my heart, I hope so. Nearly to the west coast now. He keeps calling and texting. But said, "when you have the baby I want to fly out", so he realizes this isn't a weekend trip. I am continuing with my natural birth plan. Not going to lie, I am sad. He wasn't always awful. I have to be strong and maintain the distance. But in my heart I hope he gets on meds and continues therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 The fact that he has 2 strikes can be used by you. As much as i believe that children should have their fathers in their lives, in this situation ... avoid it like the plague. If they don't meet, it would be for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Candy_Pants Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 The fact that he has 2 strikes can be used by you. As much as i believe that children should have their fathers in their lives, in this situation ... avoid it like the plague. If they don't meet, it would be for the best. I will not put my husband away for life. And no, I won't be keeping him from his child. Only if he became abusive towards the child. Then I'd skin him alive. Update: I'm doing great. Staying with family and helping out around the house and with the sick dog. My H has been going to counseling 4-5 days a week. One day with our MC, two days with a new MC, and the other two with a group for verbally abusive men. We speak on the phone after his sessions, and I can see improvements, but I'm keeping my feet on the ground. I've agreed to let him come out here for our birthdays (we share a birthdate) for a week. We'll be finding out the gender of the baby for our birthday present . I'm remaining hopeful, but getting my ducks in a row to stay indefinitely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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