Need advice, views or opinions

[Spiff]

I apologize in advance for the marathon post. My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, we have 3 beautiful daughters, the past year things were getting stagnant in our love life, I tried to approach her about different things, counselling, books, anything to put the spark back in our love live. She refused to believe anything was wrong. I understand that our daughters take up most all of our time, and the little time we have left before going to bed is usually spent relaxing/winding down. I thought she might need to socialize with other people so I signed her up with messenger and she started chatting, everything was going fine until, I noticed that all of her chat buddies as she calls them are all male, most of her chats have been just that chatting, but she also started to chat with one of the guys with whom she works, and started to close her chat windows if I was walking by. Anyway, I tried not to let it bother me until I found some emails with this guy, asking her if I was at work they could get together, she replied sure when. She also had a staff party, where she came home very late, about 3:00 am and didn't even come to our bed, she slept on the couch in the basement. Not long after the party, there was another one where he is talking about tucking in her shirt and that he forgot to tell her she had a nice ass when he tucked it in. I confronted her about this and she went on to say that nothing happened between her and Mike, her co-worker. That she would do nothing to jeopardize our relationship. I asked her about Cybersex, and she admitted to participating in that a few times, she doesn't think it is cheating, although I do, she says that it is just talking about the motions not actually going through it like she does with me, my take is that your connecting with someone on an emotional level which can be more intimate that the actual physical. With us, she would never dream of talking about sex or being expletive while we our making love, she says that she is to shy. Anyway, as of late, things have seemed to improve, we are making love quite a bit more often now, which is good. Then I overheard her talking on the phone, about "her Mark" and that if she talked to him over the phone she would be in big do-do, as she put it. Her cell phone came in, and as I pay all the bills, I noticed many calls to the same 2 numbers, every second or third day. I called both numbers and the same guy answered, Mark Wilson speaking. These calls took place at all times of the day, from 7:00 am to 12:00, the thing is is that she also works with this Mark guy, so why would she be calling him from her cell while at work, if it was work related wouldn't she use her work phone? Am I reading to much into this? I' waiting to see the next bill to see if these calls are still ongoing, they have appeared now for the last 2 months. Any advice or opinions on what I should do? Am I worrying for nothing?

[Spiff via Tony]

I apologize in advance for the marathon post. My wife and I have been married for 7 years now, we have 3 beautiful daughters, the past year things were getting stagnant in our love life, I tried to approach her about different things, counselling, books, anything to put the spark back in our love live. She refused to believe anything was wrong.

 

I understand that our daughters take up most all of our time, and the little time we have left before going to bed is usually spent relaxing/winding down. I thought she might need to socialize with other people so I signed her up with messenger and she started chatting, everything was going fine until, I noticed that all of her chat buddies as she calls them are all male, most of her chats have been just that chatting, but she also started to chat with one of the guys with whom she works, and started to close her chat windows if I was walking by.

 

Anyway, I tried not to let it bother me until I found some emails with this guy, asking her if I was at work they could get together, she replied sure when. She also had a staff party, where she came home very late, about 3:00 am and didn't even come to our bed, she slept on the couch in the basement. Not long after the party, there was another one where he is talking about tucking in her shirt and that he forgot to tell her she had a nice ass when he tucked it in.

 

I confronted her about this and she went on to say that nothing happened between her and Mike, her co-worker. That she would do nothing to jeopardize our relationship. I asked her about Cybersex, and she admitted to participating in that a few times, she doesn't think it is cheating, although I do, she says that it is just talking about the motions not actually going through it like she does with me, my take is that your connecting with someone on an emotional level which can be more intimate that the actual physical.

 

With us, she would never dream of talking about sex or being expletive while we our making love, she says that she is to shy. Anyway, as of late, things have seemed to improve, we are making love quite a bit more often now, which is good. Then I overheard her talking on the phone, about "her Mark" and that if she talked to him over the phone she would be in big do-do, as she put it. Her cell phone came in, and as I pay all the bills, I noticed many calls to the same 2 numbers, every second or third day. I called both numbers and the same guy answered, Mark Wilson speaking.

 

These calls took place at all times of the day, from 7:00 am to 12:00, the thing is is that she also works with this Mark guy, so why would she be calling him from her cell while at work, if it was work related wouldn't she use her work phone?

 

Am I reading to much into this? I' waiting to see the next bill to see if these calls are still ongoing, they have appeared now for the last 2 months. Any advice or opinions on what I should do? Am I worrying for nothing?

[Spiff via Tony]

Those calls are the very least of your problem. That's small potatoes compared with the fact that your marriage is in critical condition.

 

Often, marriages become extremely stale at some point. Being used to each other and getting into a routine, especially with raising three young children, will take much of the romance out of many marriages. The stress of work, keeping up the house, cooking and looking out after three very young and energetic children can do serious damage to a realtionship if it isn't worked on.

 

Often, with everything going on, we forget we are married to a person who has emotional and physical needs. Once that happens, the person with the greatest unmet needs is going to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The fact that you are making love more often now doesn't take away from the fact that a lot of damage was done. The two of you need to do a lot more than having sex to improve this situation.

 

If you are going to make this marriage work, you are going to have to have a good long talk with your wife. Get a baby sitter to come in and the two of you go to some quiet place...or just go to another part of the house. Sit and talk this out very seriously. You obviously don't trust her at this point, analyzing email and phone bills, etc.

 

You're going to have to resolve these issues REAL SOON!!!

 

There is no way you will ever be able to compete with the rush your wife gets flirting and talking to new people. That's just the way humans are built. But there may be some middle ground where she can enjoy those rushes but stay faithful to you. I don't know...you'll have to talk to her about it. It is not her fault. She felt down in the relationship, sought to have her needs met elsewhere, and she has rediscovered the feelings you get when you meet someone brand new that you enjoy. There is no sin in that, I suppose...depending on how far it goes from there.

 

You are going to have to get your marriage back on track and it's going to take some real energy on the part of both of you. You cannot take her for granted at any moment of any day until the day you die. If you have ten more kids, you will still have to do romantic things with her, give her flowers once in a while, praise her, appreciate her...or she will look for all of that elsewhere...and get it.

 

Marriages don't run on auto pilot. Some women have more emotional needs than others. Unfortunately, the communication has broken down in your marriage or she would have told you how she was feeling before she started talking to other men. Maybe she did and you didn't listen.

 

At any rate, you better take a cold shower and get on this case fast. I really do think it would be nice to resolve these outside associations she's having. At least get them defined. You don't want to prevent her from having friendships but I think she's making an inordinate amount of calls on her cell phone during work hours. That's not normal but she may have an explanation.

 

Be nice, be kind, be understanding, take at least half the responsiblity, don't get down on her case, just work out between the two of you all the issues and put this whole thing back on track.

 

If you cannot trust her once again, things are pretty well over. You can't continue to live like you're doing now.

[Tony T]

Sorry about that. I left spiff's name in my post above, which is for him.

[Spiff]

Thank you Tony for your advice, I feel that I haven't been taking my wife for granted, I have bought her flowers, clothers, jewelry, it seems to me at least all I ever do is to make my wife and our daughters happy, I sacrifice things for myself to give things to them, I know I need new clothes, but I won't get any because, I would rather buy something for my wife or kids, my joy as always been to see them happy. Yesterday, I couln't take it anymore I had to talk to someone, so I went and spoke with a counsellor, I felt very good to let it out, but there is still something there. The counsellor asked if I thought my wife would want to go and talk with them to get her side of things. I told them that I serioulsy doubted that she would but that I would ask her. I did just that and she adamantly refused to talk to them, she would hear nothing of that, even seeing the way I am feeling and the hurt I am going through. She knows I am hurting, because she has seen me break down and cry in front of her. She wouldn't try to comfort me, which would make it worse. Now I am not sure what to do anymore, I've reached the end of the road.

Those calls are the very least of your problem. That's small potatoes compared with the fact that your marriage is in critical condition. Often, marriages become extremely stale at some point. Being used to each other and getting into a routine, especially with raising three young children, will take much of the romance out of many marriages. The stress of work, keeping up the house, cooking and looking out after three very young and energetic children can do serious damage to a realtionship if it isn't worked on.

 

Often, with everything going on, we forget we are married to a person who has emotional and physical needs. Once that happens, the person with the greatest unmet needs is going to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The fact that you are making love more often now doesn't take away from the fact that a lot of damage was done. The two of you need to do a lot more than having sex to improve this situation. If you are going to make this marriage work, you are going to have to have a good long talk with your wife. Get a baby sitter to come in and the two of you go to some quiet place...or just go to another part of the house. Sit and talk this out very seriously. You obviously don't trust her at this point, analyzing email and phone bills, etc. You're going to have to resolve these issues REAL SOON!!! There is no way you will ever be able to compete with the rush your wife gets flirting and talking to new people. That's just the way humans are built. But there may be some middle ground where she can enjoy those rushes but stay faithful to you. I don't know...you'll have to talk to her about it. It is not her fault. She felt down in the relationship, sought to have her needs met elsewhere, and she has rediscovered the feelings you get when you meet someone brand new that you enjoy. There is no sin in that, I suppose...depending on how far it goes from there.

 

You are going to have to get your marriage back on track and it's going to take some real energy on the part of both of you. You cannot take her for granted at any moment of any day until the day you die. If you have ten more kids, you will still have to do romantic things with her, give her flowers once in a while, praise her, appreciate her...or she will look for all of that elsewhere...and get it. Marriages don't run on auto pilot. Some women have more emotional needs than others. Unfortunately, the communication has broken down in your marriage or she would have told you how she was feeling before she started talking to other men. Maybe she did and you didn't listen. At any rate, you better take a cold shower and get on this case fast. I really do think it would be nice to resolve these outside associations she's having. At least get them defined. You don't want to prevent her from having friendships but I think she's making an inordinate amount of calls on her cell phone during work hours. That's not normal but she may have an explanation. Be nice, be kind, be understanding, take at least half the responsiblity, don't get down on her case, just work out between the two of you all the issues and put this whole thing back on track. If you cannot trust her once again, things are pretty well over. You can't continue to live like you're doing now.

[Tony T]

It seems the flowers, clothes, jewelry and all the other things you were doing for your wife were not what she wanted. She obviously had emotional needs that weren't being met. Wives do not usually clam up like she has without good reason. The fact that you don't know the reason implies she is mentally challenged or somehow you did not pay attention to her pleas.

 

It sounds like she's pretty closed now. Once people get to that point,it's pretty tough.

 

If she is not willing to go to a counsellor, she must be very angry and wanting to move on.

 

You should see a counsellor and get your own therapy for what's happening so you can heal, learn and move on with your life.