When it all goes to ****...

[Carenth]

Well not sure if anyone who knew my story is still around but thought I would update on what has happened. So basically quick recap. I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half. We lived on opposite sides of the world had a few trips back and forth I decided to move to give the relationship a proper go back in November last year. Everything was really good at first, couldn't be happier. I got offered work pretty quickly, started setting up things to live there in the long term.

 

Then about a month after I'm there a friend of my GF comes back from overseas. She is very excited and can't wait to introduce him to me. Pretty much the second I met him I knew there was something off about him and that I didn't like him. He is probably one of the most arrogant, full of himself blow hards I've ever met. But my GF was friends with him so I acted friendly with him. Things started to deteriorate from this point on my GF is obsessed with this guy constantly talking about him. When I suggest that her and I do something together she always tried to find a way to invite him. I eventually got ****ty at this and said that I would like to spend some time with just the two of us from time to time.

 

It all came to a head in the end of January when one evening I was quite sick, we had arranged to go over to a friends place to watch movies. I decided to stay home and told her to go spend time with her friends. She comes home at about 4am - 5am and woke me up by accident getting into bed and is super affectionate. Anyway a few days later one of my GF's closest friends calls me and says she needs to talk to me. She asked if my GF was around I said no as she was out.

 

She then proceeded to tell me that "She thinks I'm an awesome guy and that she feels I deserve to know the truth." She then proceeds to tell me that my girlfriend spilt the beans about how she had been emotionally cheating on me with this guy for that last several months and that on that night when I was home this guy made a move on her and she didn't stop him and she actually enjoyed it... **** storm ensues when I ask my girlfriend if there is anything she wants to tell me and she says no. I confront her and she still denies anything going on. I explain in detail what I had been told. She asks me how I knew, I told her that is irrelevant. She stops denying and admits what was going on but of course blames everything on me.

 

We have several fights over the next few days me wanting to know if she even gives a **** about our relationship and if she plans to stop seeing this guy. She says she doesn't consider emotional cheating as real "cheating" and what happened was all him and that she was shocked and didn't know what to do. That she needed time to sort out her feelings, etc bull****. Basically the only option she gives me is to agree to an open relationship while she decides how she feels about this guy. Of course that is not how she worded it but it was what she was asking for.

 

I then proceeded to pack my stuff to leave. She begged me not to leave and that she loved me, usual bull****. I spent the next several days with a friend arranging plans to return home and tie up loose ends here. We spoke over skype several times over this time with lengthy letters. She still feels she did nothing wrong and that I was giving up on her by not giving her time to sort out her feelings etc. I went home without seeing her again. Haven't spoken to her since. She has proceeded to burn bridges or put huge strain on most of her friendships as a result of this. They are disgusted at her behavior and they hate this other guy as he is a complete and utter drop kick. Unemployed, horrible personality, no ambition in life, couldn't commit to tying his shoe laces if his life depended on it. This was probably the most insulting part of the whole thing for me this guy was a total loser and everyone around my GF were telling her the same and she was just going "I can't help who I'm attracted to. I know he is a horrible idea but I just can't help it."

 

I'm feeling mostly better now but extremely foolish for having trusted her. I have a job back home and everything is pretty much back where it was before I left. Honestly I'm surprised at how fast I've managed to bounce back. I just heard from a mutual friend that my ex had confessed to this guy about how she felt a few days ago and wanted a relationship with him. He shot her down saying he has no feelings for her because he is a giant tool which is no surprise to me. She is breaking down crying when anyone mentions my name. Maybe it's too soon but a friend of mine back home set me up on a blind date a few weeks ago. I've been on 3 dates with this girl now and we kissed for the first time the other night. I do like her but I'm not sure she feels the same, she is kind of distant since then so I'm not really expecting anything from this. Either way that is my story about how my LD relationship that I closed the distance on went and burned in a giant fireball.

 

TLDR; Moved around the world to be with my GF, found out she was cheating on me. All went to hell, moved back home.

Edited March 30, 2014 by Carenth

[TAV]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders and will bounce back from this. Lesson learned and all that.

 

I am in a LDR myself and the way things look now I will be the one moving to his country and leaving everything behind. I want to learn from your experience. Do you think she wasn't as invested in the relationship with you because she did not have to sacrifice much for it? Do you think the LDR situation was more exciting to her than the actual living together thing was? Was that why she was attracted to the excitement this 'wild' new man brought to her life? My guess is that she is still pretty young? Maybe you both are? Did you have a trial period before you moved there indefinitely? I will not be moving anytime soon but my bf and I have discussed me taking 3 months or so of unpaid leave from work and live together on a trial basis just to see if it indeed will work when we are together all the time (of course I cannot imagine now it won't work but better to be safe than sorry?).

 

I hope, despite your regrets, you are happy at least that you tried to make the relationship work instead of forever wondering if she was the one. If you have any advice to offer I'm ready to listen.

[soccerrprp]

Sorry to hear this. I'm in a LDR too. My situation is very different, but it just shows that there needs to be both an expressed and demonstrated commitment before embarking in and following through on a LDR. This is especially true when you are doing the moving.

 

I will be doing the moving TO my gf in a few months. But I am also prepared in various ways. For example, I know that my move is a calculated, but sincere move, but I am realistic. I know that LDR are not always successful. I am not hoping for the worse, but my move is one that also takes into account "the what if." In other words, I would not make the move unless I was confident that my gf was serious about our relationship. Unless she CLEARLY demonstrated far beyond words that this is what "we" wanted. I have met her family members, I have spoken to her family members, they know about me, my kids and my family know of her and hers. Also, if things don't work out, my move will be fine. The location, the opportunities that exist will and do fit into my LT plans w/ or w/o my gf. Prospects of dating are actually better in the area where she is, professionally, it will only help me, and the location is simply healthier for me and my kids.

 

And something else.....I don't make the full commitment unless we are engaged. This was and is a condition of the move, LDR. I haven't asked yet, but..... The other thing that I am not clear on is whether you met her from afar or not. Did you date her locally before going into a LDR? I dated and knew my gf before she moved, so she was not a complete stranger to me when we pursued the LDR.

 

I have a plan. We have a plan.

 

Again, sorry to hear of your experience.

Edited March 30, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Carenth]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders and will bounce back from this. Lesson learned and all that.

 

Thanks I will be ok. I roll with the punches, my life hasn't exactly been a cake walk but it has made me pretty resilient. Mostly my ego and pride hurt than anything else.

 

I am in a LDR myself and the way things look now I will be the one moving to his country and leaving everything behind. I want to learn from your experience. Do you think she wasn't as invested in the relationship with you because she did not have to sacrifice much for it?

 

Possibly, though she was looking to move here as well. It just made more sense for me to go there at least initially. I could get work much easier than her.

 

I think in a lot of ways she psyched herself out just before I moved. She felt I was too good to be true. That she couldn't compete with the sacrifice I was making (even though I told her so many ****ing times this was my choice and it wasn't a competition). That she wasn't worth the effort etc. Thoughts like that and she was super paranoid she was going to do something that would ruin it. I guess that became a self fulfilling prophecy. These are her own words just before I left.

 

Do you think the LDR situation was more exciting to her than the actual living together thing was?

 

We had an absolute blast when we were together and this was the case when moved as well. So I don't think that was the case.

 

Was that why she was attracted to the excitement this 'wild' new man brought to her life? My guess is that she is still pretty young? Maybe you both are?

 

Probably, he was new and shiny even though she knew he was a scumbag. I'm 27 she is 26 I honestly expected better. I'm definitely the more responsible of the two of us. Now she regrets her choice.

 

Did you have a trial period before you moved there indefinitely? I will not be moving anytime soon but my bf and I have discussed me taking 3 months or so of unpaid leave from work and live together on a trial basis just to see if it indeed will work when we are together all the time (of course I cannot imagine now it won't work but better to be safe than sorry?).

 

We had spent a couple of months together on a few trips but this was the trail I guess. I wanted to see how things would work out. So I kept most of my life intact back home in case it all went to crap. Living together wasn't an issue, we got along really well in that regard.

 

For whatever reason she freaked herself out before I moved and decided to have wandering eyes in case I up and left.... She was afraid she would do something to ruin our relationship and wanted something to fall back on which is just retarded but I've given up trying to understand what she was thinking.

 

I hope, despite your regrets, you are happy at least that you tried to make the relationship work instead of forever wondering if she was the one. If you have any advice to offer I'm ready to listen.

 

I'm happy considering what happened. I really did try my hardest to make it work. I couldn't continue when it was getting to point where I would have to change my beliefs and my standards in order to stay with her. I wouldn't have been able to look myself in the mirror.

[TAV]

Soccerrprp, you know you are my role model and I learn a lot from reading your posts. I just got an 'ah hah' kind of moment reading through your comment. My bf lives in one of the most beautiful areas in the UK and with or without him I'd love to spend the rest of my life living/working there but tbh I have never really pictured what that would be like. I need to have a good think about that.

 

I do appreciate what you said about commitment. I think the OP had a different idea about his ex-gf's commitment than what the reality was. I think since we both have kids, it is naturally something that you take very serious. I would not have introduced them to him if I was not sure we were going to last. Tbh I would not have gotten romantically involved with him if I did not think he was as serious about me as I am about him.

 

Lots of lessons to be learnt here at LS. I'm grateful for that.

[TAV]

For whatever reason she freaked herself out before I moved and decided to have wandering eyes in case I up and left.... She was afraid she would do something to ruin our relationship and wanted something to fall back on which is just retarded but I've given up trying to understand what she was thinking.

Sounds like she indeed did not feel worthy enough and did her best to prove that to herself. What will you do if she shows up in your place?

[soccerrprp]

Soccerrprp, you know you are my role model and I learn a lot from reading your posts. I just got an 'ah hah' kind of moment reading through your comment. My bf lives in one of the most beautiful areas in the UK and with or without him I'd love to spend the rest of my life living/working there but tbh I have never really pictured what that would be like. I need to have a good think about that.

 

I do appreciate what you said about commitment. I think the OP had a different idea about his ex-gf's commitment than what the reality was. I think since we both have kids, it is naturally something that you take very serious. I would not have introduced them to him if I was not sure we were going to last. Tbh I would not have gotten romantically involved with him if I did not think he was as serious about me as I am about him.

 

Lots of lessons to be learnt here at LS. I'm grateful for that.

 

Thank you TAV. I consider myself very practical, but have "hopeful" romantic tendencies.

 

I really believe too many people are myopic about LDRs. Then spend TOO much focusing on their partner and the relationship and not enough time on the TOTALITY of the decision. People get hurt (more) b/c they have not thought of the "what if it doesn't work out?" The decision, especially by the mover, should involve the practical reasons for making the move. The person you are going to is not the only important thing to consider.

 

1. Location

2. Job prospects

3. Social prospects (even dating if things don't work out)

4. Cultural considerations

5. ....of course, how much of a SOLID commitment has your partner made to make you feel confident that the move is advisable, supported and includes a plan towards agreed finality.

 

My gf and I want to get married. It will not be a long engagement. We are not going into this LDR and eventually moving in to just, what it amounts to, continue dating. The ultimate goal is marriage....

[Carenth]

Sorry to hear this. I'm in a LDR too. My situation is very different, but it just shows that there needs to be both an expressed and demonstrated commitment before embarking in and following through on a LDR. This is especially true when you are doing the moving.

 

I had her family and friends got along well with them. She had met mine as well same thing. But yes I agree we were not on the same level. I felt I had to go over there to give it a try. I had prospects over there and friends. But honestly after it went to crap in such a bad way. I just wanted to go home at that point. I had just started establishing myself there so I figured it would be better to return to where my family and most of my friends are. Most of my resources, money etc were still back home so it made sense to go back.

 

 

The other thing that I am not clear on is whether you met her from afar or not. Did you date her locally before going into a LDR? I dated and knew my gf before she moved, so she was not a complete stranger to me when we pursued the LDR.

 

We were penpals for years, then it became clear there was an attraction between us. I had some mutual friends with her and decided we would meet and see if the attraction transferred to real life, it did. So went from there.

Edited March 30, 2014 by Carenth

[soccerrprp]

I hear you. You did what is best for you. Move on and good luck.

[Carenth]

For whatever reason she freaked herself out before I moved and decided to have wandering eyes in case I up and left.... She was afraid she would do something to ruin our relationship and wanted something to fall back on which is just retarded but I've given up trying to understand what she was thinking.

Sounds like she indeed did not feel worthy enough and did her best to prove that to herself. What will you do if she shows up in your place?

 

That is part of the reason I went back home. She knew where I was living when I left. She has no idea where I am now except the city I'm in. If she wants to go on a man hunt in a city of 4 million people on the other side of the world. Well good luck to her.

[HeavenOrHell]

So sorry to hear this! But at least you tried, and r/ships don't always work out anyway whether LDR or local, just a shame there's usually way more invested in it if you've had to move a long way, you sound like you're moving on ok though?

Thank you for the update.

[TMichaels]

Unbelievable, Carenth! I've often wondered how you were doing. So sorry to hear this is how things worked out.

 

How fortunate you were to have had friends in your g/f's town who also were looking out for your welfare. A lot of people in LDRs aren't lucky enough to have that kind of support in their corner when they move/visit their SO's town.

 

Though your gut told you not to trust the guy, just think how long it would have been before you found out the truth if someone hadn't stepped forward and let you know what had been happening? Hope you thanked the girl for sticking her neck out and her nose in!

 

Good for you also, for walking out the door and not looking back. I'm sure your ex will continue to try and contact you -- stand firm, maintain NC, and keep getting on with your life. She's got a lot of growing up to do and you don't need to be part of that.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders Carenth; you'll do fine. Keep us posted how you get on and if you can, I hope you will share what you learned with others here as your experience and perspective is valuable from which others can learn a lot...

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. Were you able to get your old job back when you returned?

[angel.eyes]

Yuck! So sorry this happened! I remember your posts about moving, and you seemed to have thought things through. Nothing rash about your plan.

 

Unfortunately, there's no way to predict how things will turn out in a relationship. You have to take risks if you want to find love. Be thankful that the true colors of her character came to light before things had gotten even more serious. Clearly you didn't share the same definitions for commitment, trust, and relationships. It's disheartening, but it happens.

 

Glad that you've almost bounced back. Eventually, you'll be ready to open your heart again.

 

BTW, I've always found your posts very insightful and thoughtful. Look forward to reading more.

[FitChick]

It had nothing to do with long distance since you lived there. Stuff like this happens all the time to people who live in the same town. &%$# happens. I'm one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason so perhaps there is someone better for you on the horizon.

[Carenth]

So sorry to hear this! But at least you tried, and r/ships don't always work out anyway whether LDR or local, just a shame there's usually way more invested in it if you've had to move a long way, you sound like you're moving on ok though?

Thank you for the update.

 

Thanks HoH, I thought I was doing ok but I guess I'm not as over this as I thought. I woke up today and was having breakfast and then realized I was crying. Not the sobbing kind, the just sitting there doing whatever and you realise there is tears running down your face and thinking "what the hell is this about". I haven't cried or anything about this in over a month.

 

I broke things off with the girl I'm seeing. It's not fair and was kind of stupid for me to be dating again so soon. I'm probably not fully emotionally available at this point in time. Which is sad under normal circumstances she would be someone I'm very interested in but yeah.. timing is not great.

 

Unbelievable, Carenth! I've often wondered how you were doing. So sorry to hear this is how things worked out.

 

How fortunate you were to have had friends in your g/f's town who also were looking out for your welfare. A lot of people in LDRs aren't lucky enough to have that kind of support in their corner when they move/visit their SO's town.

 

Yes it was lucky, they are also a mutual friend of my ex. They were really ****ing disappointed in my ex and were not sure if they could remain friends with her after this. That is how she knew where I was staying.

 

Though your gut told you not to trust the guy, just think how long it would have been before you found out the truth if someone hadn't stepped forward and let you know what had been happening? Hope you thanked the girl for sticking her neck out and her nose in!

 

Good for you also, for walking out the door and not looking back. I'm sure your ex will continue to try and contact you -- stand firm, maintain NC, and keep getting on with your life. She's got a lot of growing up to do and you don't need to be part of that.

 

Yes I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later. I thanked my ex's friend for sure. That must have been a really hard thing to do but she felt it was really unfair considering I had moved so far to be with my ex that she couldn't just sit by and ignore what was going on.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders Carenth; you'll do fine. Keep us posted how you get on and if you can, I hope you will share what you learned with others here as your experience and perspective is valuable from which others can learn a lot...

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. Were you able to get your old job back when you returned?

 

I will post about what I have learnt if nothing else it was a valuable piece of life experience. Actually I'm in a better job now than when I had left. I was getting to the point where I was outgrowing my old role so it honestly was not such a bad time to move on.

[justwhoiam]

I am in shock reading this.

 

I thought you were busy with your new life, because actually, I did remember you had to close the gap by the end of 2013.

 

Then I guess I only read one post from you, but nothing about your LDR. Now, clearly, I understand why.

 

The way you used to talk about your LDR, it looked just perfect. So, it's also shocking that you kept your job back home while moving to a different continent, supposedly long-term. Not trying to justify her fears, but possibly that made her feel like you could go back any time and break up any day.

But since now you live in a different street/area of your city, I guess you at least sold your house, or broke the deal for your old apartment/condo.

 

Anyway, in retrospect, it's good that you also considered the move not working and going back home. And the best part of it is this happened quickly not 2 years in. That would have caused much more drama.

 

Regarding the dating part though, I'm: wow, maybe you didn't love/were not in love with your ex that much if you started dating and kissing another girl after just one month since the break up?

Something tells me that commitment from a guy is not enough to make a relationship run smoothly. Passion is key, and excitement too. Mind you, the other way round will not work either: only passion won't keep a couple together long-term.

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I'm glad you're doing great after this terrible blow.

[TMichaels]

I thought I was doing ok but I guess I'm not as over this as I thought. I woke up today and was having breakfast and then realized I was crying. Not the sobbing kind, the just sitting there doing whatever and you realise there is tears running down your face and thinking "what the hell is this about". I haven't cried or anything about this in over a month.

 

Not unusual, Carenth. Don't get down on yourself. You need to get things out of your system. Some day, you'll look back and scratch your head in wonder about where you are right now, and will be much the wiser for it.

 

I broke things off with the girl I'm seeing. It's not fair and was kind of stupid for me to be dating again so soon. I'm probably not fully emotionally available at this point in time. Which is sad under normal circumstances she would be someone I'm very interested in but yeah.. timing is not great.

 

Yeah, I agree not trying to get close to someone right now is a good decision. If this new girl is a decent sort at all, she will understand including if later on you want to start up again with her.

 

I will post about what I have learnt if nothing else it was a valuable piece of life experience.

 

No rush, Carenth. And actually, you don't have to lay out all the bloody details here if you don't choose to. However, just checking in now and then and putting your two cents worth in on others' threads based on your experience would be helpful I'm sure -- to the OP as well as yourself...

 

Actually I'm in a better job now than when I had left. I was getting to the point where I was outgrowing my old role so it honestly was not such a bad time to move on.

 

Ah well, great! Look on the bright side of things, Carenth... Chances are you would never have made your latest career move if your LDR experience hadn't forced the issue.

 

Plus, lots of people in your shoes aren't as lucky. They uproot their lives for a new relationship which goes south and have nothing to return to, including a job.

 

I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you're doing everything right. You'll be fully back on your feet in no time. Just give it a bit of space and time...

 

Take care,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

So, it's also shocking that you kept your job back home while moving to a different continent, supposedly long-term.

 

He didn't keep his job back home. He's returned *home* to the city he lived in before he left and was able to find a NEW job -- one that's better than the one he had before which he had outgrown anyway.

 

Not trying to justify her fears, but possibly that made her feel like you could go back any time and break up any day.

 

Irrelevant since that's not what happened at all...

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 30, 2014 by TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

He didn't keep his job back home. He's returned *home* to the city he lived in before he left and was able to find a NEW job

Oh, I thought that he saying he had a job back home combined with "I kept most of my life intact back home in case it all went to crap" led me to believe he kept his old job on hold.

[Carenth]

Nope I quit my job sold my car as well ( bought a new one now) stopped renting where I was. I was very much committed to this. I also had a job over there, not like I wasn't trying to set my life up there I really was. By saying most of my life was still back home I mostly meant money about 95℅ was still in my home currency back home I had moved enough to live for several months.

 

I weighed up the option of staying after the breakup but conversion rates alone would have eaten a huge chunk of my money so I decided it wasn't worth it.

 

As for dating well yeah that is stupid as I said a friend set me up on a blind date I was kind of peeved to be honest. But I thought it couldn't hurt to meet new people and thought the odds of anything actually happening would be very low anyway.

 

I'm obviously not in the best state of mine at the moment still kind of reeling from what happened. I think I've blocked some of the pain out on a sub conscious level so I can function. I did love my ex honestly. It is so painful thinking about what happened I did everything I could besides giving up my dignity and self respect. I won't give that up for anybody.

Edited March 30, 2014 by Carenth

[TAV]

You'll be fine, it's a mourning process. Good days, bad days, but you don't seem to be the 'victim' type so I know you'll be ok. (been married and divorced before my LDR, hence this wisdom )

[ThisGal]

WOW so sorry to hear that. I was rooting you two on! I really thought this was going to last because you were so into her and moved across the country to make this work. At least you know how she really is before marrying her. So unfortunate how things worked out. Hope you meet someone who respects and cares about you. She lost out big time and I'm sure she regrets it. Take care.

[ThisGal]

...my bf and I have discussed me taking 3 months or so of unpaid leave from work and live together on a trial basis just to see if it indeed will work when we are together all the time ....

 

That's a good idea. I moved to be with my boyfriend in his state for 3 months during the summer. I wanted to see how he was like on a day-to-day basis and vice versa. It was a great experience and a growing point in our relationship. We learned a lot about each other.

[ThisGal]

And something else.....I don't make the full commitment unless we are engaged. This was and is a condition of the move, LDR. I haven't asked yet, but.....

 

I agree with this. I wouldn't have moved unless I knew we were getting engaged. I was opened to moving to be with my b/f but am content that he has decided to move instead in a month or so. We just got engaged. But I wouldn't have taken it to that level where I had even considered moving unless I knew we were committed in that way...where I knew it would go that route eventually.

 

Sorry, reading all the comments now.

Edited March 30, 2014 by ThisGal

[Carenth]

This in a lot of ways was a trail trail period for me. It was realistically the only way I could have swung it. Taking 3 months unpaid leave was not an option in the kind of work I do. I went over there knowing there was a chance things wouldn't work out. That is why I only moved a small fraction of my money over. To see how we would get along living together day to day.

 

I've never been cheated on before and I've been in more than a few relationships so this is new to me. I felt horribly unattractive and undesirable when I found out she was cheating on me with such a scummy person. I know now it's very little to do with me and is to do with her issues.

 

I've also had to deal with one of my closest friends in a round about way admitting she has had feelings for me for a long time since getting back... Which Is just ****ing fantastic. (Not really)

 

Just feeling a bit over the place at the moment trying to keep my usual level headedness but it's hard...