When it all goes to ****...

[ThisGal]

Taking 3 months unpaid leave was not an option in the kind of work I do. I went over there knowing there was a chance things wouldn't work out. That is why I only moved a small fraction of my money over. To see how we would get along living together day to day.

 

I had to quit my job to make that move for the 3 months so it was somewhat tough but I had saved up enough money and of course he helped me a lot as well. But I can understand it not being a feasible option.

 

I've never been cheated on before and I've been in more than a few relationships so this is new to me. I felt horribly unattractive and undesirable when I found out she was cheating on me with such a scummy person. I know now it's very little to do with me and is to do with her issues.

 

Exactly. It definitely is her issues and not yours. She probably felt that you were too good for her so she settled for someone she believed was more on her level...which didn't work out well for her either because he doesn't want her. That's what insecurity will do, it made her reject good and accept bad.

 

Just feeling a bit over the place at the moment trying to keep my usual level headedness but it's hard...

And it's normal to feel this way for quite some time. It's not easy to get over someone you care about; especially after making these sacrifices. Continue to keep your head up and cry if need be. It's part of healing. I'm just glad you did not stay with someone like that and had the courage to walk away and not have her walk all over you and take advantage of your feelings for her. You'll be OK

Edited March 30, 2014 by ThisGal

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm sorry Break ups are usually pretty up and down, feeling ok one minute and then feeling low, pretty early days for you yet..

 

Probably for the best you broke things off with the new girl, just give yourself some time.

 

It's good you're in a better job now at least

 

We're here if you want to talk.

 

*hugs*

 

 

 

Thanks HoH, I thought I was doing ok but I guess I'm not as over this as I thought. I woke up today and was having breakfast and then realized I was crying. Not the sobbing kind, the just sitting there doing whatever and you realise there is tears running down your face and thinking "what the hell is this about". I haven't cried or anything about this in over a month.

 

I broke things off with the girl I'm seeing. It's not fair and was kind of stupid for me to be dating again so soon. I'm probably not fully emotionally available at this point in time. Which is sad under normal circumstances she would be someone I'm very interested in but yeah.. timing is not great.

 

 

 

Yes it was lucky, they are also a mutual friend of my ex. They were really ****ing disappointed in my ex and were not sure if they could remain friends with her after this. That is how she knew where I was staying.

 

 

 

Yes I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later. I thanked my ex's friend for sure. That must have been a really hard thing to do but she felt it was really unfair considering I had moved so far to be with my ex that she couldn't just sit by and ignore what was going on.

 

 

 

I will post about what I have learnt if nothing else it was a valuable piece of life experience. Actually I'm in a better job now than when I had left. I was getting to the point where I was outgrowing my old role so it honestly was not such a bad time to move on.

[HeavenOrHell]

You're totally right!

 

 

. I know now it's very little to do with me and is to do with her issues.

 

[HeavenOrHell]

For what it's worth she's a fool, she lost a wonderful, committed, loving partner in you.

[Carenth]

I almost feel what happened with my friend deserves a second thread but I can't be bothered explaining all the context around it again.

 

Basically we have been friends for years in and out of relationships thick and thin. She is one of my best friends and I'm comfortable confiding in her about pretty much anything. Anyway I was over at her apartment a few weeks ago we were watching a movie while I was basically pouring my guts out.

 

She then hugged me and pushed me over and we ended up in this weird hug thing on her coach with her on top of me. I freaked the **** out as we have never touched each other than greet and goodbye hugs. She starts telling me that I don't need to worry about my ****ty ex that she is going to take care of me. That I'm the only decent guy in her life and that she missed me terribly while I was gone, that she loves me. I froze in panic and we awkwardly hugged for a few minutes. I eventually told her that my emotions were a mess and I couldn't think clearly and sat up slowly. I left shortly after.

 

I've made my self kind of scarce to her since then. Had a long talk with her about how I can't even think about relationships at the moment. Then of course I go date this other girl because I'm a ****ing mess. Haven't told my friend about that don't think I ever will. I'm meeting her tomorrow she wanted me to come over to her apartment but I said we should go out for dinner instead... Kind of terrified to be honest I will be gutted if I lose her as a friend.

[HeavenOrHell]

Damn, that's awkward You really don't need this right now, hope things work out and that you don't lose her as a friend.

She was quite insensitive to make a move IMO knowing what your situation is lately.

Good luck..

 

 

I almost feel what happened with my friend deserves a second thread but I can't be bothered explaining all the context around it again.

 

Basically we have been friends for years in and out of relationships thick and thin. She is one of my best friends and I'm comfortable confiding in her about pretty much anything. Anyway I was over at her apartment a few weeks ago we were watching a movie while I was basically pouring my guts out.

 

She then hugged me and pushed me over and we ended up in this weird hug thing on her coach with her on top of me. I freaked the **** out as we have never touched each other than greet and goodbye hugs. She starts telling me that I don't need to worry about my ****ty ex that she is going to take care of me. That I'm the only decent guy in her life and that she missed me terribly while I was gone, that she loves me. I froze in panic and we awkwardly hugged for a few minutes. I eventually told her that my emotions were a mess and I couldn't think clearly and sat up slowly. I left shortly after.

 

I've made my self kind of scarce to her since then. Had a long talk with her about how I can't even think about relationships at the moment. Then of course I go date this other girl because I'm a ****ing mess. Haven't told my friend about that don't think I ever will. I'm meeting her tomorrow she wanted me to come over to her apartment but I said we should go out for dinner instead... Kind of terrified to be honest I will be gutted if I lose her as a friend.

[Carenth]

When it rains it pours it seems. Honestly don't know what the hell she was thinking.

[TMichaels]

Had a long talk with her about how I can't even think about relationships at the moment. Then of course I go date this other girl because I'm a ****ing mess.

 

It was a date, not a relationship. You learned something valuable from it. What you told your friend was correct: You're not ready for as relationship *with anyone* at the moment and now you know it without a doubt.

 

Haven't told my friend about that don't think I ever will.

 

Oh, I dunno. That piece of info could come in very handy, as in giving your friend an example of why *you know* you're not ready for a new relationship -- including with *her.*

 

 

I'm meeting her tomorrow she wanted me to come over to her apartment but I said we should go out for dinner instead... Kind of terrified to be honest I will be gutted if I lose her as a friend.

 

Well then, make sure you tell her that -- along with examples of what you need from her (which *isn't* being her boyfriend -- at least not now).

 

Good move btw, of suggesting you meet for dinner instead of at her apartment. Just be careful that you don't have one too many drinks over dinner and don't go back to her apartment afterward.

 

Remember Carenth, actions speak louder than words and if you tell her where you're and how you want to keep her as a best friend, don't send her mixed messages. NOT going back to her apartment alone (or to yours) where things could get intimate (and embarrassing) will make it clear you mean what you say.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[ThisGal]

Your friend obviously wants sex. Maybe when you left the country she realized she lost you and the feelings she had for you surfaced during your absence. Who knows. Whatever the case, if a friends with benefits is not what you seek then it's best you continue to avoid the situation and let her know upfront that you are only interested in a strictly platonic friendship. It would be best for you to not make any rash decisions right now and let your mind clear and your heart heal.

Edited March 31, 2014 by ThisGal

[Carenth]

Thanks TMicheals that is good advice I will be sure to do that.

 

Your friend obviously wants sex. Maybe when you left the country she realized she lost you and the feelings she had for you surfaced during your absence. Who knows. Whatever the case, if a friends with benefits is not what you seek then it's best you continue to avoid the situation and let her know upfront that you are only interested in a strictly platonic friendship. It would be best for you to not make any rash decisions right now and let your mind clear and your heart heal.

 

Yes I'm pretty sure you are right. I get the feeling she didn't realize how she felt about me until I was gone. Or developed feelings while I was gone. Either way FWB would end horribly between us I believe and it's not something I'm interested in. I'm not adverse to going from friends to more I've done it in the past but seriously there is a time and place and the time isn't now.

 

Also apologies for any typos in my last few posts I've been writing then on my phone.

[Carenth]

I haven't had anyone to talk to this about as the other person I would be comfortable talking to about would probably rip her a new one for been so insensitive. Which would start all sorts of drama I don't want to deal with. So yeah thanks again for the replies.

[FitChick]

Too many people make the mistake of immediately finding a distraction in another person. I tried that six months after my LDR/engagement crashed and burned. A really nice guy whom I would have dated long term otherwise but I found myself snapping at him for the simplest things. I was in no shape to be with anyone. Took me a long time before I was ready to date again. Just take care of yourself now.

[Els]

Ugh.

 

So sorry to hear that, Carenth. I know you already know this, but you deserve better.

 

Think of it as a positive thing that you saw a little bit more of the world and gained a little bit more experience. Sometimes some experiences suck but they really do help us later in life.

 

All the best. {{hugs}}

[Carenth]

Thanks Elswyth, I know I deserve better that is the last thing I said to her before I stopped talking to her. I'm trying to think of it like that. I wanted to travel a bit and I got to do that so that is a positive. I'm sure I will look back on this and it will help me in the long run grow as a person but it's pretty difficult at the moment. I'm touch and go.

 

Turns out I'm a whirlwind of emotions today. I think actually sitting down and writing about it has opened up the wounds again. I tend to internalize and distract myself when something traumatic happens. Such as diving into work (which I've done) or other people (which I've done).

 

I start feeling better then it hits me again. I'm actually really angry at my friend right now and feel she took advantage of me when I was in a very vulnerable state (well tried to). She has had a pretty rough time as well while I was gone so I guess she was looking for comfort too, but honestly it feels like I'm between a rock and a hard place now.

 

Found out my ex also contacted a friend of mine a few days ago asking if he knew how I was doing and if he knew if I was ever going to talk to her again... he blocked her.

 

I feel a lot of embarrassment and shame over what happened which I know is ridiculous. It's hard talking to people at the moment because nearly all of them knew I went overseas and ask me why I went again. I have trouble telling them I went over there for someone I loved and that they cheated on me. So I've been saying I went on a long holiday instead...

Edited March 31, 2014 by Carenth

[petall]

I am more of a lurker on this site but I remember your posts well from last year and thought what a lovely ending you had when you moved to join her. Sorry it turned out the way it did.

 

You were obviously very genuine. Sorry to say she was not. She did not even have anything concrete with this other guy but was willing to throw you over so easily for him. That shows her true colours, and frankly you are better off to have found out earlier. Just a shame you spent time, money and invested so much to find the real truth.

 

Don't be too hard on your friend. She's had long held feelings for you which she could not hold back anymore, and you can't penalise her for just wanting to do something about them.

[Els]

 

I feel a lot of embarrassment and shame over what happened which I know is ridiculous. It's hard talking to people at the moment because nearly all of them knew I went overseas and ask me why I went again. I have trouble telling them I went over there for someone I loved and that they cheated on me. So I've been saying I went on a long holiday instead...

 

IMO it's normal and human to feel shame about how others treated us, even though it doesn't make sense at all. Tell them whatever you feel comfortable with; it's your decision what you do or don't tell others about your life.

 

Stay strong.

[Carenth]

I am more of a lurker on this site but I remember your posts well from last year and thought what a lovely ending you had when you moved to join her. Sorry it turned out the way it did.

 

You were obviously very genuine. Sorry to say she was not. She did not even have anything concrete with this other guy but was willing to throw you over so easily for him. That shows her true colours, and frankly you are better off to have found out earlier. Just a shame you spent time, money and invested so much to find the real truth.

 

Yeah I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later. Money really isn't an issue, it's an annoyance yes, but that is all. The time and emotional investment are much more hurtful.

 

Don't be too hard on your friend. She's had long held feelings for you which she could not hold back anymore, and you can't penalise her for just wanting to do something about them.

 

I would have preferred if she had talked to me about it rather than trying to jump my bones without notice. We joked for years that it was nice that we were friends and that we were not attracted to each other (we date very different types of people) so we didn't have to worry about this kind of bull****.

 

No idea when that changed for her...

Edited March 31, 2014 by Carenth

[Carenth]

Well just got back from spending time with my friend. Had a long conversation with her about what was going on about everything. She apologized about what happened and said it was very hard to see me so hurt and she was very angry that my ex could not see what she had done to me and she has no idea what she just threw away.

 

Said she wanted me to know there are people who love and care about me but got carried away... She also told me that she didn't realise how much I meant to her until I was suddenly gone. I told her about the other girl I had been dating and how that didn't go so great and that I wasn't in a state to be with anyone. That I didn't want to jeapodize our friendship. She said she understood and she agreed it wouldn't be a good idea. Anyways had a long dinner I walked her back to her apartment because I wasn't going to make her walk home alone late at night.

 

She asked me if I wanted to come up and I said "I don't think that's a good idea". She told me she wasn't going to try anything... so I went up and we talked for a few hours about a bunch of stuff like we normally do. Then we fell asleep, she was resting her head on my shoulder. I woke up a few hours later and said that I was going home because I have work in the morning. Said goodbye, we hugged, then I left.

 

I think that went ok considering... I feel a lot less stressed now.

Edited April 1, 2014 by Carenth

[LittleTiger]

So sorry to hear it didn't work out Carenth.

 

I think it's difficult to really know someone until you've spent a good long chunk of time in their company. At least it didn't take a year for her true colours to show through.

 

You seemed so happy and hopeful just a few months ago so I'm sad for you, but at least you can now move on to better things.

[CherryT]

Wow, haven't logged on in a long time... first thread I see is yours, Carenth! I'm so sorry to hear what happened. You took a chance and no regrets. Some people though. Do they not realize what someone is giving up for them to be with them? I'm glad you're doing well. There will be those moments, but you know you're much better off. Congrats on your new job by the way!

[SaltwaterHeart]

Sorry to hear that Carenth!

I remember you from the Countdown thread. Your way of dealing with all of this sounds very mature and brave and I'm sure you will get through it all.

 

Just wanted to pipe up on the "lose her as a friend" thing (your friend not ex, obviously). This might sound very harsh but should she indeed be in love with you and not just hormonally confused (you mentioned she had a rough time herself?) then you have lost her as a friend a long time ago. Unrequited love can lead people to act as friends for fear of losing the other, but in my eyes it is very far from real friendship. It is motivated by self-interest instead of genuine interest in the other's well-being. Unlike real friendship, it is most often quite a false and selfish thing.

I think your friend not being very considerate of your feelings and the situation you are in demonstrates this quite well, unfortunately.

[Carenth]

Thanks I'm trying my best just taking it a day at a time now. It was a very hard decision to leave, I felt I had no other choice though.

 

 

Yes she has had a very hard time as well. Long story short someone she works with who is in a very powerful position took an interest in her. She wasn't interested because he is married and twice her age.... He started stalking her. She had to move apartments and change jobs to get away from him. She is pretty much married to her career and most of her relationships have been pretty vain to put it bluntly.

 

She always went after gym junkie types and had told me countless times she has horrible taste when it came to men. So you know I'm not buff. I'm fit but not like that I never thought she was interested in me that way and that had been true for many years. She dates millionaires and is probably one of the most successful people I know career wise. Makes a **** ton more than me and I'm not exactly in a bad paying job...

 

Honestly I never thought she was interested in me. She never gave me any indication as such until now.

Edited April 2, 2014 by Carenth