GarrusVakarian Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I am sorting divorce papers at the moment. Basically, my wife had an affair of two years with a 50 year old married man. Twenty years her old. I found out in September last year. Since then she ran off to her parents pretty much where she has been every since. She told me in November I am letting you go, so that you can move on and again in Feb. But she has done anything but allow me to move on. She only moved her clothes out the end of Feb when I wasn't here. But I want to try and keep house. She says she wants £10k to walk away, which on the face of it is pretty reasonable. But I told her she can have it, but its a final sum. There can be no coming back for further money later etc. I want it to be legally binding so she cant. Once she has agreed, I told her via email I will be filing for divorce. She has dragged this out for months, far longer then it needed to be. Don't know why she is dragging it out?, costing her money in mortgage costs for a place she hasn't lived in for six months. But it takes up to two weeks to get a reply to emails. She has basically left me no choice, but to file as I feel its the only thing that's going to kick her up the arse and get her moving. But should I name the AP?. Will it make things more difficult?. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 If you're filing in a 'at fault' jurisdiction and have the bankroll to prosecute such a lawsuit, which can be quite expensive since the burden is upon you to prove the fault to the court, then absolutely name the AP. Otherwise, it really won't matter. We're no-fault here in Cali and the court doesn't care, rather assigns custody/support and splits up the financials if the couple can't agree. Looks like you're in the UK so a solicitor or the CAB would be your source for such advice. IMO, if you can agree and get away clean and with minimal losses, that's the way I'd go. Nobody wins here. A marriage died. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Garrus, You asked :- Prepping divorce papers now, Should I name the OM?.IMO absolutely. They were part responsible for the marriage break-up so let them take the consequences. Serving your wife with papers might finally wake her up to what is happening. I asked my solicitor to draw up the papers and named the OW as a co-respondent in my divorce, and they both signed on the dotted lines. Job done. Edited March 30, 2014 by Arieswoman Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 You live in the UK, which is one of the most pro-woman countries in the world [or in the top 3 if not that]. Whatever you do, talk first to a legal expert because the above translates into a massive benefit of doubt for her. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 If your solicitor says it will provide you some net legal or practical advantage, then sure. If your solicitor says there's no legal point, then you'd be doing it just for your own emotional reasons. Up to you to say whether the exposure is worth it. But frankly, that "exposure" is minimal or non-existent, because unless you're Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, nobody will be reading your divorce papers except a few courthouse clerks. Unless you're planning to have those papers enlarged and framed on your wall. Which I don't recommend, but it definitely is your choice. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Many solicitors won't handle your case if you name the OM as a co-respondent,it's seen as bad form and makes for an ugly divorce. But, you can get both her and the OM to pay towards court fees. You also have to be able to PROVE adultery (penis in vagina), not just infidelity. If you only have enough for infidelity, then you have to go for unreasonable behaviour, and then cannot name the OM as co-respondent, but could chose to name them in the grounds (but it has no legal effect). The only real reason to do this, is if you think they may marry each other and you wish to stop them marrying in a church of england church - which it would. Adultery has no impact on the financial settlement, except... ...if you can prove that during the time of infidelity, major financial decisions were made that put you in a financially vulnerable position that you would not have agreed to if you had known - for example giving up a career to look after children. But for that, you would need a proveable verified timeline and very obvious detrimental decision, which is rare, and usually a pattern of verifiable financially deceitful/detrimental behaviour over a long period of time. Even then, it's only a matter of a slightly larger %. Also, all of this depends on whether you have children and if so, what sort of parenting relationship you wish to maintain with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Legal matters are rarely do it yourself propositions. Get a solicitor. Naming the AP won't do anything except make you look petty & immature in the eyes of the judge. The Court doesn't care why your marriage failed. They only care about how to split the stuff & who is going to get custody of the kids. The drama & the emotions belong in your therapists office not in a court. If you name the AP, the Court will take a dim view of you & that could hurt you in later negotiations / decisions. Name the AP in official court documents at your own risk. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 The key is to file citing Adultery as the cause of the marriage breakdown even in a no fault area. They have to produce their decree absolute when applying for a marriage licence, they will be forced to disclose the truth to their new partner. Besides, if their not remorseful show them the same respect they showed you. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Being me, You said, The only real reason to do this, is if you think they may marry each other and you wish to stop them marrying in a church of england church - which it would. I named the OW in my divorce. My ex-WH married the OW in church and she went down the aisle about 8 months 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant. As I understand it re-marrying divorced people in the C of E is at the discretion of the vicar of whatever parish they live in. Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) No, it isn't. If the vicar is made aware that one of the partner's was the cause of the previous marriage breakdown, they are not legally allowed to be married in a CofE church...of course if they lie and no-one tells the vicar,there's not much that can be done. Other denominations may not have the same requirements. Just as there cannot be true forgiveness without repentance, so there needs to be clarity for example that the couple are not taking into the new relationship inappropriate ties from a former marriage, and that the new relationship will not in practice consecrate an earlier infidelity. http://www.churchofengland.org/media/1273420/gs1449.pdf From GS1449 which was adopted as part of the General Synod motion on remarriage of divorcees with a spouse still living (2002) Edited March 31, 2014 by BeingMe 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 (edited) Thank you, BeingMe, for that information. It seems, from what you say, that my ex-H must've lied and said he was "single" as the AP's name was on the divorce papers. So I can only conclude that the vicar never saw them. That says a great deal about the pair of them. PS. Are you saying that they are not legally married?! Edited April 1, 2014 by Arieswoman Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 If she cheated, yes! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 If it's not going to help you in court, then no. Not worth the extra money to try and make it happen. However, if I were you, I would contact the OMW because she has a right to know what kind of man she married. She also has a right to know what's going on in her own marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 PS. Are you saying that they are not legally married?! I really don't know...I've always been very strict on insisting on seeing the decree and in contacting the prior spouse if at all possible. Certainly,there is also supposed to be a decent amount of time between the absolute and getting remarried, but that's down to interpretation. If he said he was single...hmm, not sure where it stands legally because that would have been declared as part of the banns and would be both in the banns book and on the marriage licence, which would probably invalidate the licence. Link to post Share on other sites
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