I think I'm done [update]

[QuakerOats]

I posted my "story" last week. In sum, I'm a single OW to a long distance MM going on two years. We've gone back and forth with things, he swears he's leaving his W, but hasn't done anything that I can see...he swears he's made changes that aren't obvious to me as we are long distance.

 

So lately my emotions have been all over the place. I'm sick of him owning my mood. I feel like I have bipolar some days and I used to be a pretty stable, successful woman. I pull away, he yanks me back in...I tell him to go make some decisions, he tells me he can't breathe without me.

 

I found out yesterday that I need to have some surgery. Not a big deal, but I was emotional and alone. I emailed him to please call me. He emailed back that he would, but it would be late...and by late, that means really late as he is two time zones over. So, I ended up staying up most of the night. Thinking about the fact that I'm 40 years old and waiting by the phone, because I can't just call him...especially on the weekend, because he is probably around his wife. It really just hit me stronger than other times...the patheticness of the arrangement.

 

Guess what? Stayed up until almost 3am and no call. I'm tired and alone. He sent me a wordy, bullsh*ty email about how his mother is in town and he spent the night talking to her about his problems. So busy talking to his mother that he couldn't go to another room and text me that he'd not be able to call?? It all escapes logic...so therefore I must conclude that it is all lies. And that hurts but I need that hurt to move on.

 

As I said last week, I'm know I need to make decisions, and I suppose this helps. I think I will go NC. Tried to block him on gmail and see that you can't block...only send to trash or spam...but that doesn't help me because when desperate, I'll just go looking in those folders. So, it needs to come from within. I need to find the strength to walk away, not talk to him, email him, be his "go to gal" for when he's not around his W.

 

I need to build myself up from within. I hope I can do this.

Edited March 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add link to backstory and merge threads.

[Arieswoman]

QuakerOats,

Please stop wasting your time and energy on this guy.

If you are due to have surgery then you need to keep all your energy for dealing with that, and your recovery/healing afterwards.

 

What bothers me about this is not just that it's a long distance relationship, but there seems to be a long distance between you and reality.

 

He has sent you the message loud and clear. He doesn't care enough about you (or your impending surgery) to pick up the 'phone or contact you by any means. He says it here ;-

 

So busy talking to his mother that he couldn't go to another room and text me that he'd not be able to call??

 

He wasn't that busy, he just chose not to.

 

Please break away from this one-sided relationship, get counselling, therapy, whatever, but do it before your mental health really suffers.

 

Good Luck.

[QuakerOats]

QuakerOats,

Please stop wasting your time and energy on this guy.

If you are due to have surgery then you need to keep all your energy for dealing with that, and your recovery/healing afterwards.

 

What bothers me about this is not just that it's a long distance relationship, but there seems to be a long distance between you and reality.

 

He has sent you the message loud and clear. He doesn't care enough about you (or your impending surgery) to pick up the 'phone or contact you by any means. He says it here ;-

 

 

 

He wasn't that busy, he just chose not to.

 

Please break away from this one-sided relationship, get counselling, therapy, whatever, but do it before your mental health really suffers.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

No need to be rude Aries. I am clearly posting here to figure out my thoughts. Thanks.

[MorbidFever]

I wish you all the best with your upcoming surgery.

 

I will say this, please go NC. After two years, you should see progress by now. And not even a text after you told him about your surgery…f that. I wish I knew now, when I was in your situation. Mine was long distance as well and it makes it that much harder. Tell him NC and if he decides to file for divorce, he knows where to find you.

[QuakerOats]

I wish you all the best with your upcoming surgery.

 

I will say this, please go NC. After two years, you should see progress by now. And not even a text after you told him about your surgery…f that. I wish I knew now, when I was in your situation. Mine was long distance as well and it makes it that much harder. Tell him NC and if he decides to file for divorce, he knows where to find you.

 

 

I didn't tell him about the surgery, just asked him to call me because I wanted to tell him about the surgery. Either way...he didn't make the time.

 

NC definitely feels like the way to go. I don't even think I'm going to tell him....just block him on my phone and try not to read any of the emails. Something changed in me...I hope it stays this way.

[MorbidFever]

I didn't tell him about the surgery, just asked him to call me because I wanted to tell him about the surgery. Either way...he didn't make the time.

 

NC definitely feels like the way to go. I don't even think I'm going to tell him....just block him on my phone and try not to read any of the emails. Something changed in me...I hope it stays this way.

 

Ah ok..well, it doesn't lesson the b.s factor of him not contacting you, but it makes him appear less cold-hearted that he didn't know of your surgery.

 

If something has changed…roll with it! You are strong and can do this. This forum has helped me immensely, even just by lurking. Keep busy. You can do it!

[MorbidFever]

Also, you will come across some that feel they are giving 'tough love' as advice, but there are a lot of BS's on here, so don't take it personal. I had one that wouldn't stop an entire day. She was going after almost everyone that day lmao!

[jellybean89]

Quaker,

 

We all here care about you letting go of this married man. Sometimes, the words are not all rainbows and sunshine, such as the above poster, but the poster wasn't trying to be rude or hurtful. We can see the unemotional points because we aren't invested.

 

Yes, this clown could have sent you a text saying he was too busy, but he didn't. He easily could have gone to the bathroom and sent that text.

 

I highly doubt he was telling his elderly mother about his problems. No adult (40+ years of age! which would make the parent at a minimum 60+ years of age) would dump their problems onto their mom - especially a male! So that excuse is a crock of baloney.

 

I'm glad you are seeing that nothing good is going to come from continuinjng this long distance affair, except continued heartache and frustration for you. I hope you stick to your determination because if you don't, I fear you will continue on this path for years to come..until he tells you his wife found out and he is going to make his marriage work.

 

Dig deep and find your inner strength to keep you NC. I don't see a problem with you emailing him to say the affair is over and if he ever cared about you or respected you, he would honor your request for NC so you can grieve, heal and move forward with your life. If he contacts you, that will show that he has no respect for you or your feelings. Don't think it is because he loves you so much...a man who loves a woman wouldn't do what he has done to hurt you and he would have moved mountains to be with you. But all he offers are excuses for staying in his marriage, so that equates to him being right where he wants to be.

 

Good luck to you.

[jellybean89]

Also, you will come across some that feel they are giving 'tough love' as advice, but there are a lot of BS's on here, so don't take it personal. I had one that wouldn't stop an entire day. She was going after almost everyone that day lmao!

 

Why do you imply that advice from Betrayed spouses is not as helpful or good? Do you just assume those that give "tough love" advice are betrayed spouses? That's a pretty broad generalization and not fair to the posters here at LS.

[Arieswoman]

All,

The reason I posted as I did is not because I am a BS who has a chip on their shoulder.

 

I have seen so many (too many) girls I know mess up their lives, lose their self-respect, credit ratings, savings, homes, friends, careers because of their involvement with an unavailable man. I have seen how they suffered emotionally and psychologically.

 

These were not stupid women. These were smart, intelligent, educated, attractive females who just made unwise choices.

 

One girl I know was a married man's mistress for 12 years ffs. It was only when he asked her out for a meal to celebrate his wife's pregnancy that she realised he wasn't going to leave home any time soon.

 

If I can say one thing that makes any women here wake up and smell the coffee then I'll say it.

[blue963]

I am hoping that the distance will be a positive thing for you. It is so hard when they can't be a part of your life like you need. You are 40 with lots of time. Dont be me at 50 and have been in this for almost 6 years. I am going thru some of the same things that you are about needing him and hes not there. Please for your own sake try to end it. I keep trying too...eventually its going to stick. Is there a way we can help?

[QuakerOats]

All,

The reason I posted as I did is not because I am a BS who has a chip on their shoulder.

 

I have seen so many (too many) girls I know mess up their lives, lose their self-respect, credit ratings, savings, homes, friends, careers because of their involvement with an unavailable man. I have seen how they suffered emotionally and psychologically.

 

These were not stupid women. These were smart, intelligent, educated, attractive females who just made unwise choices.

 

One girl I know was a married man's mistress for 12 years ffs. It was only when he asked her out for a meal to celebrate his wife's pregnancy that she realised he wasn't going to leave home any time soon.

 

If I can say one thing that makes any women here wake up and smell the coffee then I'll say it.

 

 

Aries...your message is appreciate, the delivery not so much. I get that you are a BS who has suffered and now has some wisdom from that experience, very valid. Most OW's aren't posting here (from what I've read so far) about how joyful they are, they are coping and processing the messes. Honestly, when someone goes onto a thread of someone else struggling and does the "wake up call" post...it often gets ignored or is just seen as inflammatory, regardless of the underlying message which can be quite good. Everyone has an internal timeline and process. I think in my post I made it clear that I was very much NOT ok with what happened...telling me that I don't have a grasp on reality really wasn't helpful. That's all. Had you said something along the lines of "My H told his OW all the same stuff and now he is still with me...something to think about" ...that could have been educational and useful to the process of figuring out that this is just not going to work.

[QuakerOats]

I am hoping that the distance will be a positive thing for you. It is so hard when they can't be a part of your life like you need. You are 40 with lots of time. Dont be me at 50 and have been in this for almost 6 years. I am going thru some of the same things that you are about needing him and hes not there. Please for your own sake try to end it. I keep trying too...eventually its going to stick. Is there a way we can help?

 

 

 

Where are you in the process Blue? Is your MM still with his W? Do you have a plan? Hearing the experiences of others is useful...and often illuminating of the fact that most MM just don't really have it in them to change their situations.

[C00kie]

Quaker, I'm sorry to hear about your surgery - hope everything goes well.

 

The situation you just described reminded me of so many that I've experienced.

 

Last year I found out my grandpa had cancer. I was so shocked I started to nose bleed. I wanted to call MM...but couldn't. I knew he would not pick up because he'd be with her. So I left him a message on facebook: "just found out my grandpa has cancer". He replied later that day, just this: "damn..."

 

I didn't hear from him the next two days.

 

The third day he e-mailed me saying he had barely got out of bed because he had developed some allergy to something.

 

So basically, I must assume he spent three days knowing I was in agony, but said nothing because he must have had such a bad allergy that he couldn't even open his eyes, make a call, or send an sms.

 

Or the night of my 30th anniversary bday party, last October. He called me on my birthday, but two days later I had a dinner with closest friends and family which he obviously could not attend. But I expected him to send an sms that night, like asking how it was going, or something. He even had said he'd call. Well, no call, no sms, the whole day. Spent the dinner looking at my mobile, and nothing there.

 

Other than this, he would seem like he loved me very much. But the thing is: they are selfish, they love us when it's suitable for them. And this is so cruel of them. They would think so if someone did this to them, which we obviously never did, because in spite of being in such a bad situation, we always put them first, right?

 

When someone wants to get in touch, they will. If wife is at home, well, they can go to the bathroom and send an sms. They can leave the house and say they're going somewhere and call. But they just don't risk it. And I really do not think much of someone who just leaves you waiting, not knowing if you need something, or specially if they know you're having a hard time. I couldn't do this to a friend, or even an acquaintance, let alone some I love.

 

All those days I visited my grandpa at the hospital...watching him die. I went to the hospital by myself; I would leave the hospital by myself; I would face it all by myself; I would cry in the corridors by myself. He would email me, or call me when he was able to, but knowing I was going through that, he could and should have been more present, let me know he was there for me, sending me sms giving me strenght, something that would make me feel less alone in such a terrible time.

 

But they always put themselves first. Always.

 

They don't know what love is, and they can not love. They are broken. They may be giving their best, which is not, and should not be, enough for us.

 

I hope you find the strenghts to move forward. If you need counselling, go for it. Rely on your friends for support, if you can, and start distancing youself from him. They suck us into their broken world and leave us a mess. We must let that go.

[QuakerOats]

Quaker, I'm sorry to hear about your surgery - hope everything goes well.

 

The situation you just described reminded me of so many that I've experienced.

 

Last year I found out my grandpa had cancer. I was so shocked I started to nose bleed. I wanted to call MM...but couldn't. I knew he would not pick up because he'd be with her. So I left him a message on facebook: "just found out my grandpa has cancer". He replied later that day, just this: "damn..."

 

I didn't hear from him the next two days.

 

The third day he e-mailed me saying he had barely got out of bed because he had developed some allergy to something.

 

So basically, I must assume he spent three days knowing I was in agony, but said nothing because he must have had such a bad allergy that he couldn't even open his eyes, make a call, or send an sms.

 

Or the night of my 30th anniversary bday party, last October. He called me on my birthday, but two days later I had a dinner with closest friends and family which he obviously could not attend. But I expected him to send an sms that night, like asking how it was going, or something. He even had said he'd call. Well, no call, no sms, the whole day. Spent the dinner looking at my mobile, and nothing there.

 

Other than this, he would seem like he loved me very much. But the thing is: they are selfish, they love us when it's suitable for them. And this is so cruel of them. They would think so if someone did this to them, which we obviously never did, because in spite of being in such a bad situation, we always put them first, right?

 

When someone wants to get in touch, they will. If wife is at home, well, they can go to the bathroom and send an sms. They can leave the house and say they're going somewhere and call. But they just don't risk it. And I really do not think much of someone who just leaves you waiting, not knowing if you need something, or specially if they know you're having a hard time. I couldn't do this to a friend, or even an acquaintance, let alone some I love.

 

All those days I visited my grandpa at the hospital...watching him die. I went to the hospital by myself; I would leave the hospital by myself; I would face it all by myself; I would cry in the corridors by myself. He would email me, or call me when he was able to, but knowing I was going through that, he could and should have been more present, let me know he was there for me, sending me sms giving me strenght, something that would make me feel less alone in such a terrible time.

 

But they always put themselves first. Always.

 

They don't know what love is, and they can not love. They are broken. They may be giving their best, which is not, and should not be, enough for us.

 

I hope you find the strenghts to move forward. If you need counselling, go for it. Rely on your friends for support, if you can, and start distancing youself from him. They suck us into their broken world and leave us a mess. We must let that go.

 

 

Ouch. I can relate to a lot of your experiences. How are you now?

 

So true that they "could" contact if they really wanted to do so. I remember I planned my ex husband's 40th surprise party while on vacation with him! I'd sneak to the bathroom, call the caterer...take phone calls while walking on the beach...if you want to, you can. But, he doesn't. Feels awful...but good at the same time because it takes the ambiguity out of the situation, if that makes any sense.

[Cocochai]

You sound like me in a way. I was talking to my friend about my issue from the topic I made when I sent him the "Bday text" and he never responded back until I reached out to see if he got it....

 

I feel like I'm out of chracter with myself when I'm normally calm and level headed.

 

I want to block him totally out of my life but my friend said "Don't block you only block if they are crazy".

 

In all honestly I don't block people until they are crazy but in my case... He's making me crazy and doesn't even know or care.

 

The facts are:

 

1) He's Married

2) You are not his true priority (Even if he tries to show it to you)

3) Most MM's are comfortable where they are even though they may not be happy.

4) You are single and he will always have his BS/kids/family to keep him occupied when you two stop talking.

 

What I have decided to do was keep everything short if my XMM decides to reach out again. I probably won't even respond if he reaches out because I feel like in a way it's an ego boost to them knowing that you will drop everything just to be with them.

 

Just put yourself FIRST because you already know he does

Edited March 30, 2014 by Cocochai

[MorbidFever]

Why do you imply that advice from Betrayed spouses is not as helpful or good? Do you just assume those that give "tough love" advice are betrayed spouses? That's a pretty broad generalization and not fair to the posters here at LS.

 

Ok, I change it to 99% of the time they are BS's. I've seen it all too frequently. Other women going through the same hurt are not going to give advice with a backhand in the process. We were all there at one point and didn't come here for bullet points, we needed compassion and understanding. The whole 'he doesn't care about you' delivered so matter-of-factly, doesn't help anyone.

[Speakingofwhich]

Something changed in me...I hope it stays this way.

 

This is so healthy, QuakerOats! When you don't like how you're being treated and something just naturally changes in you, you can be sure your own psyche is working to protect you! Fantastic!!!

[QuakerOats]

This is so healthy, QuakerOats! When you don't like how you're being treated and something just naturally changes in you, you can be sure your own psyche is working to protect you! Fantastic!!!

 

 

Yes, it takes a few times, but things do switch. And then when you go against your instincts it just never feels right.

[QuakerOats]

You sound like me in a way. I was talking to my friend about my issue from the topic I made when I sent him the "Bday text" and he never responded back until I reached out to see if he got it....

 

I feel like I'm out of chracter with myself when I'm normally calm and level headed.

 

I want to block him totally out of my life but my friend said "Don't block you only block if they are crazy".

 

In all honestly I don't block people until they are crazy but in my case... He's making me crazy and doesn't even know or care.

 

The facts are:

 

1) He's Married

2) You are not his true priority (Even if he tries to show it to you)

3) Most MM's are comfortable where they are even though they may not be happy.

4) You are single and he will always have his BS/kids/family to keep him occupied when you two stop talking.

 

What I have decided to do was keep everything short if my XMM decides to reach out again. I probably won't even respond if he reaches out because I feel like in a way it's an ego boost to them knowing that you will drop everything just to be with them.

 

Just put yourself FIRST because you already know he does

 

 

Couldn't agree more. I wish it was easy.

[snappytomcat]

im so sorry you are going through all this,especially with surgery thrown in,i pray you have a speedy recovery,and you can remain nc,and find the perfect single man that you clearly deserve

[QuakerOats]

Thank you snappytomcat. I hope so too.

[Mickey1982]

Ouch. I can relate to a lot of your experiences. How are you now?

 

So true that they "could" contact if they really wanted to do so. I remember I planned my ex husband's 40th surprise party while on vacation with him! I'd sneak to the bathroom, call the caterer...take phone calls while walking on the beach...if you want to, you can. But, he doesn't. Feels awful...but good at the same time because it takes the ambiguity out of the situation, if that makes any sense.

 

 

I used to always get the same reply when I asked "why couldn't you just send me a 15 second text?" The reply was always " I am doing the best I can. I can't give you any more of me." Yet, I'd always find an excuse to run out to take his call or move mountains to text him if I had to. They are all the same. THEY know they have US wrapped around them.

[nais]

Listening to Eric Carmen All by Myself- lol this post isn't helping me either- what I am saying is I feel you on being alone.

[QuakerOats]

Listening to Eric Carmen All by Myself- lol this post isn't helping me either- what I am saying is I feel you on being alone.

 

 

Feel better Nais. This OW business is pretty damn isolating.