Nine years of tears/emotional affairs.

[MissMaryJane]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. For the first half of our relationship, there was nothing but lying, cheating, and abuse on both of our sides. I physically cheated on him with a couple different people and he emotionally cheated on me (off and on for four years) with one person.

 

We've been living together, for the most part, for the last five years.

 

About 7 months ago, I got up one morning to find that he had been up all night playing video games. That, in itself, was no big deal. As soon as I got up that morning, he shut off his system, went to bed, and slept until 8 that night.

 

Sometime that afternoon, curiosity got the best of me and I went looking through his gaming account to see what he had been doing all night. The system kept track of all of the games you played and who you played them with, so I was able to see who he had stayed up all night with.

 

I was shocked when I saw that it was a female. The two of them had sat up all night together, for about 8 hours, chatting and playing the game (Call of Duty) together. Not only did they stay up all night together that night, they had done it at least three or four nights in a row. He never told me anything about this and, as a matter of fact, went out of his way to hide it from me.

 

I was livid, to say the least. At the time, he was unemployed, so all of his time was spent playing video games. It was all I could do to get him to look away from the game to have a five minute conversation with me, much less chat with me for 8 hours at a time. (The two of them both used microphones to play the game, so they were essentially up talking all night.)

 

I guess you could say that I was jealous. I wasn't getting the attention I deserved, yet this random girl got to sit there and talk to him all night long, multiple nights in a row.

 

When I confronted him that night, our argument escalated to the point of me telling him to leave, so he left. Normally, we'd "separate" for a few days, but he'd always move back in. This time, he decided that we should take a "break" and live separately until we could learn how to communicate.

 

Just a few weeks after he moved out, he assured me that he and his new "friend" weren't talking anymore and that he had deleted her from his friends list. I found out that he was lying and that nothing had changed. He continued to talk to her for at least a month after moving out of here. (Not only were they talking on the game, but they had exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. He went out of his way to hide all of that from me too.)

 

I just found out two weeks ago that, back in October and November, he created accounts on a couple different sex/hookup sites. His profiles were bare (no photos, no friends, no exchanged messages) and appeared untouched. Both sites require a paid membership to be able to contact people, and once he found that out, he gave up. Of course, when I confronted him, he brushed it all off as if it was no big deal and assured me that nothing had ever happened.

 

We've been fighting off and on ever since he moved out, so he claims that he created the accounts out of anger. Honestly, I believe him when he says that nothing happened. I know him well enough to know that he'd be too insecure/self-conscious/nervous to actually go through with something like that. (He was a virgin when we met and, as far as I know, has only ever been with me.)

 

Just this past week, I found out that he's been watching a ton of porn. The porn, itself, doesn't bother me, but combined with the fact that he's been checking out women on sex sites, I can't help but feel insecure.

 

It's worth noting that, since day one, he's been telling me that he's "not like most men", in that he doesn't care about sex as much as most men do. Over the last few months, we've been having sex fairly regularly (he comes and stays the weekends with me), but there have been times when we've gone months without even touching each other. I can't help but wonder if he's been having sex with me out of guilt.

 

I don't really know what my question is here. A part of me wants to believe that nothing has happened and that he hasn't actually cheated, but he lies so much that I doubt he'd admit it. I'm not really ready to end the relationship over this, but I don't know what to do. I've never been able to trust him (mostly out of my own insecurities, plus his emotional affair) and I'm definitely not going to be able to if he doesn't prove that he can be trusted. He just keeps brushing this off as if it's no big deal (I know that he's embarrassed), so it feels like he doesn't care about how much it's hurting me.

 

Now that he's got a new job, he's befriending all of his coworkers (both male and female). All of the women he works with are either married, pregnant, gay, too old, or physically unattractive, so I know that there's nothing sexual/inappropriate going on. It's just that... ever since I've known him, he's had this desperate need for attention and approval from women. It's like he goes out looking for female friends. To me, he's definitely crossed the line a few times in the past, but it's still never been sexual/inappropriate (as far as I know). He initiates most of the friendships, so it comes across as if he's searching for someone. It's like I'm not enough for him, so he needs to go out looking for female companionship.

 

What should I do here? Do I just "get over" what has happened, since nothing has actually happened? Is it okay for him to have these female friends, even though I don't think it's appropriate? Am I really just being jealous and insecure? Or is it time to end this relationship?

[oz-missy]

So with lying happening for many years, and cheating from both sides too...I'm struggling to understand why the two of you are still a couple?

 

Are you wanting to not end the relationship just because it's familiar? Personally I don't think the two of you should remain in a relationship, however it is of course your decision. I just find it odd that you want to continue to persue it.

[TAV]

Sounds like a very toxic relationship. Use this time apart to ask yourself if this is what you want the next 20 years of your life to look like.

[soccerrprp]

IT IS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. IT IS A FAILED RELATIONSHIP. IT IS UNHEALTHY, SELFISH, LOVELESS ONE.

 

Don't think whether you want this for the next 20-yrs. LEAVE if you care about yourself (or your bf)! I cannot EVER understand why anyone wants to be in such a LTR for so long w/o tying the knot. People, imho, who remain in such LTR, dysfunctional, are CODEPENDENT, IT IS NOT LOVE. UNHEALTHY. TRAGIC.

 

Get out. For MORE sorrow is to come if you don't.

Edited March 30, 2014 by soccerrprp

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is way, way past its expiration date. It has been full of betrayal and deceit on both sides and is thoroughly toxic. It sounds to me that you're not really in love any more, but very co-dependent. This is unhealthy, for both of you. Take this time to re-evaluate what you want in a relationship. Move on from what clearly is not working.

[MissMaryJane]

Thank you all. I pretty much knew what kind of response I would get after posting this thread and you're all absolutely right.

 

There is definitely still love here, but it's the only thing that has kept us together. We've just been hanging by a thread for years now, and it's obviously time to cut it.

[ThatMan]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. For the first half of our relationship, there was nothing but lying, cheating, and abuse on both of our sides. I physically cheated on him with a couple different people and he emotionally cheated on me (off and on for four years) with one person.

What kind of abuse?

How violent is your relationship?

 

Violence always escalates once it begins. There's nothing to be done. Relationships that are violent must end and both parties must look after themselves. The clocks cannot be reserved and a violent relationship cannot suddenly become safe.

 

What does an emotional affair mean to you?

 

It's very important that people have friends. Everyone needs a social support network throughout their lives. As a spouse, you were supposed to be one such person that he can trust. Choosing to allow an individual outside of the relationship to put his penis inside of you isn't a loving and caring act. He cannot turn towards you for support in your treatment of him. So he has to turn towards other people, as a friend, for the support he needs.

 

Do you consider seeking out support an emotional affair? I don't.

 

About 7 months ago, I got up one morning to find that he had been up all night playing video games. That, in itself, was no big deal. As soon as I got up that morning, he shut off his system, went to bed, and slept until 8 that night.

This is not normal behavior. Everything you describe are the hallmarks of depression. When people do not groom themselves, lack motivation, are unemployed, and sleep all day they're usually depressed. Can you blame him? There is infidelity and abuse in his relationship. Anyone would feel completely devastated after a spouse cheated on them.

 

I was shocked when I saw that it was a female. The two of them had sat up all night together, for about 8 hours, chatting and playing the game (Call of Duty) together. Not only did they stay up all night together that night, they had done it at least three or four nights in a row. He never told me anything about this and, as a matter of fact, went out of his way to hide it from me.

Not my idea of fun, but so what?

He is not allowed to have friends?

 

 

I was livid, to say the least. At the time, he was unemployed, so all of his time was spent playing video games. It was all I could do to get him to look away from the game to have a five minute conversation with me, much less chat with me for 8 hours at a time.

It'll be hard for him to look at your face after an affair. It takes time and commitment to get through that. I would feel incredibly disappointed if an unemployed spouse did any of this while I was together with her. But your boyfriend needs to see a doctor. This behavior is not normal and he has a lot going on to be bummed out from.

I guess you could say that I was jealous. I wasn't getting the attention I deserved, yet this random girl got to sit there and talk to him all night long, multiple nights in a row.

Explain to me again why you think you deserve anything from him? Of course he'll be distant. You cheated on him. I would spend more time with friends, (or making new ones like him), than chatting away with a woman who tore my guts out.

When I confronted him that night, our argument escalated to the point of me telling him to leave, so he left. Normally, we'd "separate" for a few days, but he'd always move back in. This time, he decided that we should take a "break" and live separately until we could learn how to communicate.

That's a good idea. You did the right thing by telling him to leave. Don't be angry with other people when they do what you ask. If there is any abuse ten you two need to remove yourself. Period.

 

I just found out two weeks ago that, back in October and November, he created accounts on a couple different sex/hookup sites. His profiles were bare (no photos, no friends, no exchanged messages) and appeared untouched. Both sites require a paid membership to be able to contact people, and once he found that out, he gave up. Of course, when I confronted him, he brushed it all off as if it was no big deal and assured me that nothing had ever happened.

 

We've been fighting off and on ever since he moved out, so he claims that he created the accounts out of anger. Honestly, I believe him when he says that nothing happened. I know him well enough to know that he'd be too insecure/self-conscious/nervous to actually go through with something like that. (He was a virgin when we met and, as far as I know, has only ever been with me.)

 

People do crazy things when angry. Many are stark raving mad when a spouse cheats on them. Why are you with him if he's vindictive?

 

Just this past week, I found out that he's been watching a ton of porn. The porn, itself, doesn't bother me, but combined with the fact that he's been checking out women on sex sites, I can't help but feel insecure.

 

I think that anybody in his position would prefer porn over sex with you. He's likely to imagine your affair each time he thinks about you being involved in sex. You do realize that, right?

 

It takes time to heal and move on. When was your affair?

 

 

It's worth noting that, since day one, he's been telling me that he's "not like most men", in that he doesn't care about sex as much as most men do. Over the last few months, we've been having sex fairly regularly (he comes and stays the weekends with me), but there have been times when we've gone months without even touching each other. I can't help but wonder if he's been having sex with me out of guilt.

 

It sounds like he does a lot of things out of guilt - including ending friendship just to keep this miserable and toxic relationship going.

 

 

I don't really know what my question is here. A part of me wants to believe that nothing has happened and that he hasn't actually cheated, but he lies so much that I doubt he'd admit it. I'm not really ready to end the relationship over this, but I don't know what to do. I've never been able to trust him (mostly out of my own insecurities, plus his emotional affair) and I'm definitely not going to be able to if he doesn't prove that he can be trusted. He just keeps brushing this off as if it's no big deal (I know that he's embarrassed), so it feels like he doesn't care about how much it's hurting me.

 

Think carefully-

What will it take to finally decide to walk away?

 

Now that he's got a new job, he's befriending all of his coworkers (both male and female). All of the women he works with are either married, pregnant, gay, too old, or physically unattractive, so I know that there's nothing sexual/inappropriate going on. It's just that... ever since I've known him, he's had this desperate need for attention and approval from women. It's like he goes out looking for female friends. To me, he's definitely crossed the line a few times in the past, but it's still never been sexual/inappropriate (as far as I know). He initiates most of the friendships, so it comes across as if he's searching for someone. It's like I'm not enough for him, so he needs to go out looking for female companionship.

 

He's clearly going through a difficult time and needs a friend. Why is that so hard to understand? I've never meet him before and even that's blatantly obvious. Yet as a girlfriend you cannot seem to grasp that? What gives?

 

If he hasn't done anything remotely inappropriate than what's your problem? Wait- I can guess...

Abusers love to isolate their victims because they're insecure cowards that need to control their spouses. It isn't acceptable to isolate anyone. What your doing isn't okay. If you are abusive, then we cannot reasonably trust anything that you say. I'm not there and I don't know how you behave, how he behaves, and it isn't my job to assign blame. All I can tell you is that isolating a spouse is wrong. Knock it off, lady.

 

What should I do here? Do I just "get over" what has happened, since nothing has actually happened? Is it okay for him to have these female friends, even though I don't think it's appropriate? Am I really just being jealous and insecure? Or is it time to end this relationship?

You should leave if the relationship is violent.

[Realist3]

Agree with what everyone else has said. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Your relationship lacks all of the basic fundamentals. You deserve better, and you are not going to get it from this situation.

[Omei]

Thank you all. I pretty much knew what kind of response I would get after posting this thread and you're all absolutely right.

 

There is definitely still love here, but it's the only thing that has kept us together. We've just been hanging by a thread for years now, and it's obviously time to cut it.

 

I think you read them wrong they said loveless in abusive/toxic relationships there is no real love.

[MissMaryJane]

@ThatMan

 

Hhmm... sounds like a typical male response.

 

It has never been okay, since day one, for either of us to have opposite sex friends. That was agreed upon in the very beginning. Now, if either of us had those friends prior to the relationship, it would've been different, but we both agreed that while we were together, neither of us would be spending alone time with opposite sex friends. It had nothing to do with control and everything to do with respect.

 

The abuse was physical and verbal on BOTH ends, but that ended YEARS ago. Neither of us have laid a hand on the other in well over five years. We were KIDS when we started dating and, obviously, couldn't handle the pressures of an adult relationship. I'm not making excuses, since we were BOTH wrong, but we've long since grown out of the violence.

 

Now, the verbal abuse only occurs while we're arguing. When things get too heated, we both resort to "name calling" and throwing low blows. No, it's not okay, but that's what it is.

 

It's been at least five years since I've cheated. It's been at least five years since his first emotional affair ended. As far as I know, we've both been faithful since we moved in together five years ago.

 

He has plenty of MALE friends and that is perfectly fine, but in MY relationship, it is not okay to sneak around and talk to other women. I don't disrespect him in that way, so I expect the same.

 

You sound just like my boyfriend - blaming me for everything without taking any responsibility for himself.

[ThatMan]

It has never been okay, since day one, for either of us to have opposite sex friends. That was agreed upon in the very beginning.

Is that so?

Let's get back to this agreement in a brief moment.

 

The abuse was physical and verbal on BOTH ends, but that ended YEARS ago. Neither of us have laid a hand on the other in well over five years. We were KIDS when we started dating and, obviously, couldn't handle the pressures of an adult relationship. I'm not making excuses, since we were BOTH wrong, but we've long since grown out of the violence.

So let me get this straight...

You aren't making any excuses and I agree with that. You're essentially saying that you've both been immature but quickly grew up and ended the violence. What you are doing, however, is dismissing physical violence as kids being kids. If you're able to dismiss that kind of behavior then how come he isn't allowed to do the same? Maybe he think of these agreements as stupid childish expectations of a relationship? Are you the only one who is allowed to dismiss the past when it becomes convenient for you?

 

There are also many forms of violence. Not all violence involves direct physical contact. Violence escalates because two people are constantly fueling each others rage. All it takes is the smallest bit of rage for these relationships inevitability become heated. Each outburst will fuel more even more rage and the cycle continues again into more heated moments, low-blows, screaming matches, insults, whatever the case might be. The only thing you've accomplished is the choice to funnel all that anger into an abusive outlet that involves words instead of fists. The situation will not improve for either of you.

 

He has plenty of MALE friends and that is perfectly fine, but in MY relationship, it is not okay to sneak around and talk to other women. I don't disrespect him in that way, so I expect the same.

Since you don't appreciate his antics in YOUR relationship then why don't you find somebody else? There's countless men out there who are on the same page as you. You could easily find somebody who won't befriend random women. Why aren't you searching for one of those men? Why are you being a desperate loser who wants to bully a man into ending his friendships? Each moment that you spend in a toxic relationship is another moment when Mr. Right could pass you by. Your current spouse has no reason to be forthcoming with you about anything. There's ongoing abuse in your relationship! Any level of trust that may have existed is clearly gone.

 

You sound just like my boyfriend - blaming me for everything without taking any responsibility for himself.

I'm not your boyfriend, your father, or anyone who would ever consider you to be a friend. It isn't my job to tailor myself to your whims. I'm not going to sit here and refuse to hold you accountable for your nonsense. There's many forms of abuse and rather than make the choice to move on with your life, your attempting to bully somebody else into fitting into what you want them to be. The term they throw around to describe this is called Abusive Expectations.

 

 

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. It could be a demand for constant attention, to end contact with friends, frequent sex, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person. You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

What would your boyfriend say if he read this message and understood what abusive expectations are? Would he acknowledge that these antics go on? Would you recognize this behavior? At what point are you going to begin moving on yourself? You are a willing participant of your own suffering and the suffering of another human being. Do the right thing for yourself and walk away. This constant back and forth between the two of you isn't acceptable.

Edited April 2, 2014 by ThatMan