Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Just out of curiosity and based on what I am hearing….it appears that most OW who have gone thru NC for extended periods of time (more than 6 months to years), would still have the wind knocked out of them if their ex were to contact them today. It seems that there is no time limit on how long it takes to "get over" these exAPs. I’m starting to think that even if you say you had moved on and were only occasionally thinking of him, even the slightest contact can set you back to square one. Do we truly never ever stop loving them, but just accept that we aren't going to be together, and go on as best we can? I’m only 9 weeks of NC post d-day and wonder if I am fooling myself into thinking I’ll ever reach the point of being able to really walk away and get over him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Hi Mickey! Think back to all the heartbreaks you went through before your XMM... Being in a A and cutting off all ties is different but when you look back at the X-relationships you've gone through and over come... It's no different. The problem is letting go of what you two use to have before it turned sour. If your able to let go and move on with your life you'll do just fine. It's easier said then done but I think when your still trying to hold on to the good, that's what's making the process of moving on take forever. I'm going through this right now. Afraid to let go because the moment I don't pick up his phone calls or respond to a text it's over it seems. But again It's your emotions getting in the way of doing what you need to do in order to move on. If he truly respects you, he would leave you alone so you can move on and find the love you truly deserve to have. Sometimes I think these XMM/XMW don't want to give you space long enough to find the person who's waiting for you because it's still a selfishness they hold. Sure they may miss and love you but holding on to someone when you already made vows to someone isn't right. Unless they have an open M, then you wouldn't even have to call it an A. When they come back months to a year later... And your feeling some sort of way to respond back then your still not truly over that person. Perhaps you may never be over but until they can give you what you want you'll never truly be happy. The moment they reach out and you respond like it's nothing with little communication... Then you know it's over. No need to be rude... Just say Hi back and keep it moving. Edited March 30, 2014 by Cocochai Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Hi Mickey! Think back to all the heartbreaks you went through before your XMM... Being in a A and cutting off all ties is different but when you look back at the X-relationships you've gone through and over come... It's no different. The problem is letting go of what you two use to have before it turned sour. If your able to let go and move on with your life you'll do just fine. It's easier said then done but I think when your still trying to hold on to the good, that's what's making the process of moving on take forever. I'm going through this right now. Afraid to let go because the moment I don't pick up his phone calls or respond to a text it's over it seems. But again It's your emotions getting in the way of doing what you need to do in order to move on. If he truly respects you, he would leave you alone so you can move on and find the love you truly deserve to have. Sometimes I think these XMM/XMW don't want to give you space long enough to find the person who's waiting for you because it's still a selfishness they hold. Sure they may miss and love you but holding on to someone when you already made vows to someone isn't right. Unless they have an open M, then you wouldn't even have to call it an A. When they come back months to a year later... And your feeling some sort of way to respond back then your still not truly over that person. Perhaps you may never be over but until they can give you what you want you'll never truly be happy. The moment they reach out and you respond like it's nothing with little communication... Then you know it's over. No need to be rude... Just say Hi back and keep it moving. Thx Cocochai...Even though my exMM treated me somewhat harshly at the end, we were at a high in our relationship before his d-day planning a getaway to Miami and very much in love. Our last conversation was a phone call where he said "I love you, but I need to work on my marriage.' We went into a NC after that phone call 9 weeks ago, never really agreeing to a 'formal' NC. It just happened that we stopped all contact. As crazy as it sounds, I have to be honest when I say that I do hope he still reaches out. I feel as though I've made such little progress in 9 weeks probably beacuse I am reliving the good times in my head ALL the time! That is what I worry about most----the good times dominating my thoughts and preventing me from moving on. If I could just get angry, I'd be so much better off! This whole thing is INSANE. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Thx Cocochai...Even though my exMM treated me somewhat harshly at the end, we were at a high in our relationship before his d-day planning a getaway to Miami and very much in love. Our last conversation was a phone call where he said "I love you, but I need to work on my marriage.' We went into a NC after that phone call 9 weeks ago, never really agreeing to a 'formal' NC. It just happened that we stopped all contact. As crazy as it sounds, I have to be honest when I say that I do hope he still reaches out. I feel as though I've made such little progress in 9 weeks probably beacuse I am reliving the good times in my head ALL the time! That is what I worry about most----the good times dominating my thoughts and preventing me from moving on. If I could just get angry, I'd be so much better off! This whole thing is INSANE. It's the feeling of being rejected... And a closed off relationship that's forced. Like a love one dying suddenly out of the blue. Whatever you do, don't try to make contact with him (learning from my mistakes)... you'll only make it worst for yourself if you don't get the response your looking for or none at all. It's hard letting go especially when it's a forced one. but not impossible to move on. Edited March 30, 2014 by Cocochai 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QuakerOats Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Thx Cocochai...Even though my exMM treated me somewhat harshly at the end, we were at a high in our relationship before his d-day planning a getaway to Miami and very much in love. Our last conversation was a phone call where he said "I love you, but I need to work on my marriage.' We went into a NC after that phone call 9 weeks ago, never really agreeing to a 'formal' NC. It just happened that we stopped all contact. As crazy as it sounds, I have to be honest when I say that I do hope he still reaches out. I feel as though I've made such little progress in 9 weeks probably beacuse I am reliving the good times in my head ALL the time! That is what I worry about most----the good times dominating my thoughts and preventing me from moving on. If I could just get angry, I'd be so much better off! This whole thing is INSANE. What happened with your d day Mickey? I can relate to your experience. I'm starting NC while we had been making plans to see each other in May. Last week I was looking at airfare and hotels and this week I'm in NC after he disappointed me one last time. It is such a high/low thing...must impact the healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dubliner Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 The problem I see with A's ending through Dday or one having enough of waiting around for the other to leave te BS is that unlike a 'Normal' relationship that breaks up due to it running it's course, the A often ends while it is sustainable and without real intent. Often the 'break up' is one flexing their muscles in the hope of jarring the other into movement one way or the other. The NC leaves a sense of unfinished business a the R hasn't come to a natural ending, a breeding ground for 'what if'. Can you move on? Yes, but like any emotional trauma you won't by ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen, it can't be put in a box and stored in our emotional closet else the triggers will bring it back, moving on to me is a process of exploring, understanding, forgiving and then letting go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Yes, of course we do. People who don't ever move on CHOOSE not to. And, btw, so soon after the breakup, it's perfectly normal to wonder if you'll ever stop thinking about him/her. That feeling can last for months and even people in normal relationship (non-A's) experience this after a hard breakup. Edited March 30, 2014 by Popsicle 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 dear mickey im a bs,but I don't have a chip on my shoulder,i feel for most ow,cause I know the pain you are in,and how horrible you were treated in the end,i also felt for the ow in my situation,until she went phsycho on me,but you are only human,and im a very compassionate person,some say to a fault,i wont even kill a spider,so I truly,do feel for you,and others that are on both sides of an affair,please take care of yourself,and I pray you can move on sooner than later 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Are you single, Mickey? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 What happened with your d day Mickey? I can relate to your experience. I'm starting NC while we had been making plans to see each other in May. Last week I was looking at airfare and hotels and this week I'm in NC after he disappointed me one last time. It is such a high/low thing...must impact the healing. Quaker Oats, we were planning a long weekend to Miami just 8 days after his d-day. She found e-mails and confronted him and he confessed. He called me and told me that it was over---no more, no Miami, nada....WE communicated via text for days after, but he was not nice. He apologized, but continually told me how 'happy he now was, his marriage was the best it had ever been, and he was back in love with her." Our last communication was a phone call, he said " I love you, but I need to work on my marriage." That was 9 weeks ago. We went NC after that---we did not agree on NC, we both just stopped communicating. D-days are awful----it is TOO sudden. We were in such a good place at the time and then NOTHING. He crushed me to my core. HOw did your MM disappoint you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Are you single, Mickey? I am divorced after an abusive marriage when I was younger. Link to post Share on other sites
Cocochai Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 (edited) Quaker Oats, we were planning a long weekend to Miami just 8 days after his d-day. She found e-mails and confronted him and he confessed. He called me and told me that it was over---no more, no Miami, nada....WE communicated via text for days after, but he was not nice. He apologized, but continually told me how 'happy he now was, his marriage was the best it had ever been, and he was back in love with her." Our last communication was a phone call, he said " I love you, but I need to work on my marriage." That was 9 weeks ago. We went NC after that---we did not agree on NC, we both just stopped communicating. D-days are awful----it is TOO sudden. We were in such a good place at the time and then NOTHING. He crushed me to my core. HOw did your MM disappoint you? Are you saying your XMM all of a sudden out of the blue, after getting caught cheating is "Happy now more then ever" within his M? I truly doubt that being that his wife caught his hands in the cookie jar. I think he was trying to tell you anything to keep you from still communicating with him since the BS's raider alert was up. But hopefully YOU will be able to see how easily it was for him to just cut you off once things got hot and that he never truly intended to leave his BS (if he's ever told you that). He's in the dog house with the BS but once things get back to the way they use to be... he'll prob try to reach out. Like someone else said I don't think he loves his BS or you... He just loves himself. Edited March 30, 2014 by Cocochai 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Are you saying your XMM all of a sudden out of the blue, after getting caught cheating is "Happy now more then ever" within his M? I truly doubt that being that his wife caught his hands in the cookie jar. I think he was trying to tell you anything to keep you from still communicating with him since the BS's raider alert was up. But hopefully YOU will be able to see how easily it was for him to just cut you off once things got hot and that he never truly intended to leave his BS (if he's ever told you that). He's in the dog house with the BS but once things get back to the way they use to be... he'll prob try to reach out. Like someone else said I don't think he loves his BS or you... He just loves himself. Yes, OVERNIGHT he went from loving me to "I will love her again!" And then in the days that followed, his every text or e-mail spoke of how happy he now was and they were better than ever before! Apparently, she was able to forgive him and they were moving on now doing everything right that was wrong. The marriage now came to life in just a few short days after d-day. YET, in his last communication-a phone call- he said he loved me. I don't think she was monitoring his work e-mail, but I think it was more of him needing to get me out of his life to do damage control. That is hardest thing to accept of anything-----they can drop you in an instant once a d-day happens whether you are the center of their universe and they are not in love with their wife---it all goes right out the door!!! Believe me!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Devastated1969 Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Yes, OVERNIGHT he went from loving me to "I will love her again!" And then in the days that followed, his every text or e-mail spoke of how happy he now was and they were better than ever before! Apparently, she was able to forgive him and they were moving on now doing everything right that was wrong. The marriage now came to life in just a few short days after d-day. YET, in his last communication-a phone call- he said he loved me. I don't think she was monitoring his work e-mail, but I think it was more of him needing to get me out of his life to do damage control. That is hardest thing to accept of anything-----they can drop you in an instant once a d-day happens whether you are the center of their universe and they are not in love with their wife---it all goes right out the door!!! Believe me!!!! Mickey, although our situations are different, my relationship ended literally overnight too and he went from telling me that he hadn't loved his w for years, was separated and wanted to spend his life with me blah blah to suddenly, he has deep love again for her and wants to commit to her and his family... Stunned.. So I do believe you, know how you are feeling and it hurts like crazy. Well done for keeping NC. Hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I broke up with MM last month. I can't really explain it much better than this...I've been crazy trying to figure everything out. The only thing I know is that this is all extremely painful and very very difficult to overcome. I am doing my best, I am fighting with all the strenghts in my body but I do get the feeling something will always been missing. This doesn't feel like any other break up I've delt with in my life. Maybe because it was not a natural end and leaves the sense of unfinished business, or maybe because I do love him deeply, I don't know. Maybe for other people it is easier, I don't know...from what I've read on love shack, everyone seems to have more trouble getting over an affair than a normal relationship, probably for what I've just said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Many, many months down the road and I am still here on LS, searching for sarogate answers, as I will never get them from him.To me, NC is the double-edged sword that keeps me from healing, moving on, and letting go. I know it is the right thing to do. But, like you, Mickey, the fact that he went back to his regularly scheduled life without a backwards glance still tears me to shreds. Sometimes I think I am coming out the other side of this, then a song or place will trigger me. Or worse, I will see him around town, and it is right back to square one. I am not trying to be discouraging and I am positive there is hope and healing down the road. Some days moving forward is harder than others. Be gentle and patient with yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Mickey, although our situations are different, my relationship ended literally overnight too and he went from telling me that he hadn't loved his w for years, was separated and wanted to spend his life with me blah blah to suddenly, he has deep love again for her and wants to commit to her and his family... Stunned.. So I do believe you, know how you are feeling and it hurts like crazy. Well done for keeping NC. Hugs Even though they go back to the wife, I KNOW what WE had. I feel my MM's reason is half due to his children and the other half is due to history with her--26 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Many, many months down the road and I am still here on LS, searching for sarogate answers, as I will never get them from him.To me, NC is the double-edged sword that keeps me from healing, moving on, and letting go. I know it is the right thing to do. But, like you, Mickey, the fact that he went back to his regularly scheduled life without a backwards glance still tears me to shreds. Sometimes I think I am coming out the other side of this, then a song or place will trigger me. Or worse, I will see him around town, and it is right back to square one. I am not trying to be discouraging and I am positive there is hope and healing down the road. Some days moving forward is harder than others. Be gentle and patient with yourself. That is excatly it!!!!! He is back living his life, enjoying himself, smiling, etc....while everything around me crumbled to pieces which I have to try to put back together on my own. The pain that this has caused is unimaginable. I have lost 12 lbs, pop Ambien every night, work has deteriorated, etc etc etc...Totally sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Yes, of course we do. People who don't ever move on CHOOSE not to. And, btw, so soon after the breakup, it's perfectly normal to wonder if you'll ever stop thinking about him/her. That feeling can last for months and even people in normal relationship (non-A's) experience this after a hard breakup. THIS is 1000X times worse than a regular break up or divorce ---- been there----would take any over this!!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wambo Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Just out of curiosity and based on what I am hearing….it appears that most OW who have gone thru NC for extended periods of time (more than 6 months to years), would still have the wind knocked out of them if their ex were to contact them today. It seems that there is no time limit on how long it takes to "get over" these exAPs. I’m starting to think that even if you say you had moved on and were only occasionally thinking of him, even the slightest contact can set you back to square one. Do we truly never ever stop loving them, but just accept that we aren't going to be together, and go on as best we can? I’m only 9 weeks of NC post d-day and wonder if I am fooling myself into thinking I’ll ever reach the point of being able to really walk away and get over him. You got to remember women are wired differently to men and are the most emotional out of the two genders. This is why most of the posters here are women and only a small fraction are men. My exAP was a good friend of mine and a co worker too. She used me as an EA and we are no longer talking to each other. Now I'm not going into too much detail just incase I blow my idenity but our main affair ended well over a year ago and she still looks at me. Sometimes she is happy to see me and other times sad because we are no longer talking to each other. I have no doubt in my mind she is going to break NC again. I think the difference is most men in affairs look for excitment or a one night stand. They are not planning for commitment or a replacement for their wifes and children. Yes there are exit affairs but posters here wouldn't be telling their story if they were in an exit affair. Most people here are stuck in an affair and their AP has no intention to leave their primary relationship but instead to escape it in short terms. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 You got to remember women are wired differently to men and are the most emotional out of the two genders. This is why most of the posters here are women and only a small fraction are men. My exAP was a good friend of mine and a co worker too. She used me as an EA and we are no longer talking to each other. Now I'm not going into too much detail just incase I blow my idenity but our main affair ended well over a year ago and she still looks at me. Sometimes she is happy to see me and other times sad because we are no longer talking to each other. I have no doubt in my mind she is going to break NC again. I think the difference is most men in affairs look for excitment or a one night stand. They are not planning for commitment or a replacement for their wifes and children. Yes there are exit affairs but posters here wouldn't be telling their story if they were in an exit affair. Most people here are stuck in an affair and their AP has no intention to leave their primary relationship but instead to escape it in short terms. Wambo, from a male's perspective, do you believe men can fall out of love with the AP following a d-day? I've asked this over and over again, but it is eating away at me to think he could flip his feelings overnight? Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Cookie...I agree with your observation - As are harder to recover from than a relationship. Don't know why that is, but that was my experience. I am coming up to 5 years ago that I re-connected with my high school BF. Kind of a chance meeting turned into an A that lasted for 2 yrs with me having a very difficult time cutting off contact. NC stared and stopped several times. I don't know why As are so hard to recover from. Not sure I ever will recover. I am fine now and on with my life. Still, I do sometimes think about how things might have been. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 Mickey..a most interesting perspective! Makes me realize that my spending time thinking about my xAP is really a waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 30, 2014 Author Share Posted March 30, 2014 Cookie...I agree with your observation - As are harder to recover from than a relationship. Don't know why that is, but that was my experience. I am coming up to 5 years ago that I re-connected with my high school BF. Kind of a chance meeting turned into an A that lasted for 2 yrs with me having a very difficult time cutting off contact. NC stared and stopped several times. I don't know why As are so hard to recover from. Not sure I ever will recover. I am fine now and on with my life. Still, I do sometimes think about how things might have been. Barrsitter---you confirmed my biggest fear----5 years later and still wondering how things might have been....Lordy, I give up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 30, 2014 Share Posted March 30, 2014 I am divorced after an abusive marriage when I was younger. Then find someone single to fall in love with. You have the opportunity to do that, unlike MOW. Link to post Share on other sites
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