Do we really ever move on?

[C00kie]

Barrsitter---you confirmed my biggest fear----5 years later and still wondering how things might have been....Lordy, I give up!

 

Lol...let's hope it takes a lot less than 5 years...although right now it seems like this feeling will last forever!

[Wambo]

Wambo, from a male's perspective, do you believe men can fall out of love with the AP following a d-day? I've asked this over and over again, but it is eating away at me to think he could flip his feelings overnight?

 

First I would recommend reading other boards like Loveshack Infedility and Talk About Marriage Infedility. They don't focus on the 'other person' but rather on the cheater and the cheated. It's worth looking at because it will give an insight into other parties perspective and not just the 'other person.'

 

For example we have this topic running now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/469192-torn-between-two-women

 

Please keep in mind a lot of these opinions are coming from hurt people and want to blame others and not themselves. Not everything you will be reading is fact but rather misguided opinions. At least you are getting to see all three sides when it comes to affairs and it will help answer some of your questions.

 

 

As for your main question.

 

 

1. It's hard to answer but I think it's impossible for the brain to make radical alterations to it thought process with a flick of a switch. Any attempt to do so will cause a lot of stress on the mind and may even cause depression.

 

2. There also the possibilities which I don't know how true this is but men have a delayed reaction when they break up with their girlfriends? It take a few weeks for them to start feeling the withdraw sysmtons and the pain that goes with it. So in a few weeks he could be really suffering and his wife isn't going to be please with the change in his behaviour.

 

3. I hate to say this but there's a possibility he doesn't love you. Women are more emotional than men and this is why we see more women here than men. So there is a chance to you it was love but for him it's entainment.

 

4. His wife and his children are more important to him and this is why he cut you out of his life. If he's going to leave, he would of done so by now.

 

5. If I could of flick a switch and stop loving my exap, I would of done so by now. Instead I suffered from mild depression for a few months.

 

 

 

Also this could be very helpful to you.

 

Women's Infidelity

 

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.

[Popsicle]

Also this could be very helpful to you.

 

Women's Infidelity

 

Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier.

 

Why would you think that's helpful? Mickey is single.

[2sunny]

You will get over him - when you decide to stop handing him all your power.

 

I hope you decide to do that sooner rather than later.

[RickFox]

Wambo, from a male's perspective, do you believe men can fall out of love with the AP following a d-day? I've asked this over and over again, but it is eating away at me to think he could flip his feelings overnight?

 

Some can, others like myself, did not...... take that for what it's worth.

 

Even us men ask those same questions about our female counterparts.

[jwi71]

THIS is 1000X times worse than a regular break up or divorce ---- been there----would take any over this!!!!!

 

Why?

 

Its a real question - an important one a that.

 

Why?

[Popsicle]

THIS is 1000X times worse than a regular break up or divorce ---- been there----would take any over this!!!!!

 

I've been through a regular breakup, divorce and an affair break up and I disagree.

[Mickey1982]

I've been through a regular breakup, divorce and an affair break up and I disagree.

 

Well, not for me...I've been through all three as well...Blindsided by affair break-up. Completely at height of the realtionship when it ended. No fights, no disagreements no factors influencing the break-up---it was a forced d-day break-up which was harder than anything I ever have gone thru. No preparation and over in a flash!

[Popsicle]

Well, not for me...I've been through all three as well...Blindsided by affair break-up. Completely at height of the realtionship when it ended. No fights, no disagreements no factors influencing the break-up---it was a forced d-day break-up which was harder than anything I ever have gone thru. No preparation and over in a flash!

 

I was blindsided by the breakup with my last BF. We were both single. We went from madly in love to nothing (his choice). And yeah, that hurt a lot. More than the A breakup because we were more deeply involved and talked of marriage and kids and everything. I ended my A. Maybe what you mean is that it hurts more when you are dumped, rather than when you do the dumping. That, I agree with.

[Hope Shimmers]

Why?

 

Its a real question - an important one a that.

 

Why?

 

Why not? (A real question as well). Should an affair relationship hurt less than any other relationship?

 

I had the same experience as Mickey. It was SO much worse than the divorce from my long-term marriage, breakup of a long-term engagement, etc. I think it depends on the level of caring, intimacy, closeness, love, etc that was in the relationship that just went ~Poof~ and disappeared in a heartbeat.

[2sunny]

Well, not for me...I've been through all three as well...Blindsided by affair break-up. Completely at height of the realtionship when it ended. No fights, no disagreements no factors influencing the break-up---it was a forced d-day break-up which was harder than anything I ever have gone thru. No preparation and over in a flash!

 

But you knew that was possible at ANY given moment right? Seeing as he's married and all.

 

 

Many, many times - we read here on the boards that there isn't actually any d day... But when the affair heightens and expectations come into play - the married one disappears! It serves a significant purpose...

 

It is usually designed that way to bump the OW or OM back into a quieter role - a role where the OM or OW has lesser expectations so that demands aren't being made to compromise his/her game plan.

 

The OM/OW gets unusually happy to start settling for bread crumbs. Less contact/less communication means discovery is minimized.

 

 

But he hands his wife the power now - and you hand him your power...so inadvertently, you are also feeding into handing her all your power too - by focusing on what he will or won't do in the future.

 

Bottom line is = she's in the driver seat - he's the passenger - and they wave to you on the side of the road as they drive by.

 

 

Stop thinking he will change - or even change his mind. He's right where he chooses to be.

 

And you should get busy being happy! And when the time is right - you should choose only available men to date.

[Mickey1982]

I was blindsided by the breakup with my last BF. We were both single. We went from madly in love to nothing (his choice). And yeah, that hurt a lot. More than the A breakup because we were more deeply involved and talked of marriage and kids and everything. I ended my A. Maybe what you mean is that it hurts more when you are dumped, rather than when you do the dumping. That, I agree with.

 

No, it is not what I mean. The AFFAIR break-up compares to NO other break-up reagrdless who was the dumper or dumpee. Others will agree with me on this as well.

[QuakerOats]

The affair break up is tough because it is hard to get support...other than here. A couple friends I've shared my saga with have minimized my hurt and angst and basically said "Well, you shouldn't have been with him anyway." Not a lot of support out there for the cast aside OW. I think it is also different from a normal break up because often the MM/MW will put themselves full back into their marriage in hopes of keeping the affair secret and/or actually restoring the marriage while we are left to grieve the end.

[Mickey1982]

[quote=2sunny;5614289

Bottom line is = she's in the driver seat - he's the passenger - and they wave to you on the side of the road as they drive by.

QUOTE]

 

OUCH--that hurt.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There is truth to all of this. Being over 4 years out, it is easier now. But when an affair ends, it is not quite the same as a traditional break up. In my case there was a lot of scrambling, an entire pastoral staff got involved, the families, friends, etc. There was so much happening and so many people who demanded no contact - monitoring phone calls, etc. And emotionally it was draining.

 

I remember having a conversation about two months after dday with a friend who was so angry with me. We talked for two hours and at the end she really understood. She said "I get it now - this is like a death". I said yes it was, but only the body is still hanging around somewhere. She never, ever supported the affair ( in fact she hates xmom) but she support me and loved me through every bit of the withdrawal and walked valleys with me. I had other people (non Christian btw) who loved me (not necessarily supported an affair) and stood by me. Most of the people I thought would stand by me, fled - they didn't know how to support me or my family. The church was the worst of all. The church abandoned my husband and kids - it was awful.

 

It was different than any other break up I had ever gone through. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

Edited March 31, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Cocochai]

But you knew that was possible at ANY given moment right? Seeing as he's married and all.

 

 

Many, many times - we read here on the boards that there isn't actually any d day... But when the affair heightens and expectations come into play - the married one disappears! It serves a significant purpose...

 

It is usually designed that way to bump the OW or OM back into a quieter role - a role where the OM or OW has lesser expectations so that demands aren't being made to compromise his/her game plan.

 

The OM/OW gets unusually happy to start settling for bread crumbs. Less contact/less communication means discovery is minimized.

 

 

But he hands his wife the power now - and you hand him your power...so inadvertently, you are also feeding into handing her all your power too - by focusing on what he will or won't do in the future.

 

Bottom line is = she's in the driver seat - he's the passenger - and they wave to you on the side of the road as they drive by.

 

 

Stop thinking he will change - or even change his mind. He's right where he chooses to be.

 

And you should get busy being happy! And when the time is right - you should choose only available men to date.

 

 

So would it make it right also if she told the BS as well??

 

Just because you know the consequences of what could happen, nobody expects mind games either. He's apart of this as well and telling a person you love them and then cutting them off once there butt is almost caught up isn't right either...

 

Why be a coward about things when it gets hot??!

 

In her case the BS caught him but when they pull out when they feel the OW/OM is getting too attached w/ no words... That's being mean and showing your true self. And I say if the OW decided to let the BS know at that point... I don't agree but... I understand why they would.

 

You don't play with people's emotions.

[Mickey1982]

There is truth to all of this. Being over 4 years out, it is easier now. But when an affair ends, it is not quite the same as a traditional break up. In my case there was a lot of scrambling, an entire pastoral staff got involved, the families, friends, etc. There was so much happening and so many people who demanded no contact - monitoring phone calls, etc. And emotionally it was draining.

 

I remember having a conversation about two months after dday with a friend who was so angry with me. We talked for two hours and at the end she really understood. She said "I get it now - this is like a death". I said yes it was, but only the body is still hanging around somewhere. She never, ever supported the affair ( in fact she hates xmom) but she support me and loved me through every bit of the withdrawal and walked valleys with me. I had other people (non Christian btw) who loved me (not necessarily supported an affair) and stood by me. Most of the people I thought would stand by me, fled - they didn't know how to support me or my family. The church was the worst of all. The church abandoned my husband and kids - it was awful.

 

It was different than any other break up I had ever gone through. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

 

 

You say that it is easier now---can I ask when you finally 'turned the corner?' Did you have a d-day? And, were you NC from the time of the break-up?

[Waverly]

I worry about this all the time. My A has been over for months, but I'm only on day eight of NC (still white-knuckling it, as Owl6118 would say). It HURTS, and NC is making it both better and worse.

 

I don't know if I'll ever get over all of this. My rational mind says that of course I will; people just... get over things. Eventually. Time will work its magic.

 

But, to go to your point about this being worse than a normal breakup: it really really is. I've had one other truly traumatic breakup in my life. I've been over it for a long time, even if at the time I didn't think I ever would be. I even got the satisfaction of rejecting him when he tried to come back a few years later. But -- he was a jerk. I knew it at the time. We were totally wrong for each other. I got dumped - HARD - but in retrospect, I know it was totally the right thing for us to end our relationship.

 

But this? This is different. It didn't end because we were incompatible, or because we had a fight, or because of anything that went wrong. We were ridiculously in love, and tried our damnedest to move those mountains so we could be together. But turns out that some mountains just don't budge. And so it ended because it had to, and now I'm checking days off of my mental calendar -- days that I'm not talking to someone who was so so important to me. Not because I don't care about him, but because for whatever cruel reason, it's just not meant to be.

 

So, I don't know. I really want to believe that I'll get over this one day. And I'm sure, in one way or another, I will. But I think that wound will be close to the surface for a really long time.

 

(Sorry, I know this isn't the upbeat answer you were probably looking for...)

[Owl]

Mickey...what are you actively DOING to help yoursel recover from the end of this relationship?

 

What active STEPS are you taking to help yourself deal with the pain, and get past it?

 

Time, by itself, won't make you feel better.

 

What are you DOING in that time?

 

Are you filling that time with something other than him? Working out? Take up a new hobby, or resume an old one? Running? Martial arts?

 

Anything that fills your mind with other activities, and physically exhausts your body to help you sleep at night?

 

If not...there's your starting point, my friend.

[Mickey1982]

I worry about this all the time. My A has been over for months, but I'm only on day eight of NC (still white-knuckling it, as Owl6118 would say). It HURTS, and NC is making it both better and worse.

 

I don't know if I'll ever get over all of this. My rational mind says that of course I will; people just... get over things. Eventually. Time will work its magic.

 

But, to go to your point about this being worse than a normal breakup: it really really is. I've had one other truly traumatic breakup in my life. I've been over it for a long time, even if at the time I didn't think I ever would be. I even got the satisfaction of rejecting him when he tried to come back a few years later. But -- he was a jerk. I knew it at the time. We were totally wrong for each other. I got dumped - HARD - but in retrospect, I know it was totally the right thing for us to end our relationship.

 

But this? This is different. It didn't end because we were incompatible, or because we had a fight, or because of anything that went wrong. We were ridiculously in love, and tried our damnedest to move those mountains so we could be together. But turns out that some mountains just don't budge. And so it ended because it had to, and now I'm checking days off of my mental calendar -- days that I'm not talking to someone who was so so important to me. Not because I don't care about him, but because for whatever cruel reason, it's just not meant to be.

 

So, I don't know. I really want to believe that I'll get over this one day. And I'm sure, in one way or another, I will. But I think that wound will be close to the surface for a really long time.

 

(Sorry, I know this isn't the upbeat answer you were probably looking for...)

 

 

DITTO, Waverly....my words EXACTLY.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey...what are you actively DOING to help yoursel recover from the end of this relationship?

 

What active STEPS are you taking to help yourself deal with the pain, and get past it?

 

Time, by itself, won't make you feel better.

 

What are you DOING in that time?

 

Are you filling that time with something other than him? Working out? Take up a new hobby, or resume an old one? Running? Martial arts?

 

Anything that fills your mind with other activities, and physically exhausts your body to help you sleep at night?

 

If not...there's your starting point, my friend.

 

 

OWL, I am trying my VERY best. I am back to running. I work full time. I have lots of friends who I see as much as I can. I have seen three different therapists looking for different opinions and hope. I've talked to a pastor. I'm on antidepressants and Ambien.

 

I'm trying, Owl. But, this has messed me up completely and I'm 9 weeks out!

[Owl]

OWL, I am trying my VERY best. I am back to running. I work full time. I have lots of friends who I see as much as I can. I have seen three different therapists looking for different opinions and hope. I've talked to a pastor. I'm on antidepressants and Ambien.

 

I'm trying, Owl. But, this has messed me up completely and I'm 9 weeks out!

 

I'm not surprised. 9 weeks out is just the starting point for a marriage trying to recover...and in no way to I think that the OW/OM are hurt any less than anyone else in these situations, ESPECIALLY when they end as your (and my own) situation did, with the WS returning to the spouse.

 

You need to work on change.

 

Not just expect change to happen, but to make change happen. When you start thinking about him...and you realize that's what you're doing...stop. "change the channel' in your mind to something else. Stop allowing yourself to keep thinking about him, but start actively removing him from your focus.

 

Recognize that it's over, it's in the past. It's NOT the present. The affair is OVER. Grieve it like any other failed relationship, and put it in it's place.......behind you.

 

I'm not saying it's easy...I know it's not.

 

But it's the right way to get to the destination in front of you.

 

When you start thinking about the 'might have beens'....intentionally tack on "if he hadn't ended it"...get a little mad at him, and then redirect your thinking onto something else. Your job, a hobby, anything.

 

And fill your free time. Running takes up some of that, I'm sure. What are you doing the rest of the time...the time you used to spend communicating with him? Fill that void with something new. Something that requires full attention/concentration, and that leaves you exhausted when you're done.

[Mickey1982]

I'm not surprised. 9 weeks out is just the starting point for a marriage trying to recover...and in no way to I think that the OW/OM are hurt any less than anyone else in these situations, ESPECIALLY when they end as your (and my own) situation did, with the WS returning to the spouse.

 

You need to work on change.

 

Not just expect change to happen, but to make change happen. When you start thinking about him...and you realize that's what you're doing...stop. "change the channel' in your mind to something else. Stop allowing yourself to keep thinking about him, but start actively removing him from your focus.

 

Recognize that it's over, it's in the past. It's NOT the present. The affair is OVER. Grieve it like any other failed relationship, and put it in it's place.......behind you.

 

I'm not saying it's easy...I know it's not.

 

But it's the right way to get to the destination in front of you.

 

When you start thinking about the 'might have beens'....intentionally tack on "if he hadn't ended it"...get a little mad at him, and then redirect your thinking onto something else. Your job, a hobby, anything.

 

And fill your free time. Running takes up some of that, I'm sure. What are you doing the rest of the time...the time you used to spend communicating with him? Fill that void with something new. Something that requires full attention/concentration, and that leaves you exhausted when you're done.

 

 

Thank you Owl. My therapist is trying to help me 'get mad' at him. She said it is really preventing me from letting go, accepting reality and moving on. Every time I try to get mad by thinking of his behavior towards me after d-day, I revert right back to the 'great times.' I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of pleasant memories which I can't get past. And, honestly, I am still too much in love with him. As I have said in other posts, we ended when our relationship was at an all time high with a romantic four nights in Miami just 8 days after d-day. It hurts like heck, Owl.

[whatatangledweb]

Thank you Owl. My therapist is trying to help me 'get mad' at him. She said it is really preventing me from letting go, accepting reality and moving on. Every time I try to get mad by thinking of his behavior towards me after d-day, I revert right back to the 'great times.' I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of pleasant memories which I can't get past. And, honestly, I am still too much in love with him. As I have said in other posts, we ended when our relationship was at an all time high with a romantic four nights in Miami just 8 days after d-day. It hurts like heck, Owl.

 

I think you are in the first step of grieving which is denial.

 

1. Denial

 

In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it. Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over. Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting.

 

2. Anger

 

Anger can manifest in many different ways – anger at your ex (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t she stop being selfish?”), anger at God or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at people or situations associated with the break-up (anger at the other woman; anger that your partner lost her job, because that is when she “changed”), and anger at other people who don’t agree or stand with your anger (“Can you believe George and Jane still want to be friends with him after what he did to me?”). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what a psycho-crazy vixen our ex was. This is also when we think it’s crucial to send our ex hateful emails because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.

 

3. Bargaining

 

Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make the relationship work through negotiation, threats, and/or magic – for example, telling your ex that you will change, or move or go to therapy, or telling him he is hurting the children, his family, your family, and the dog by leaving. And, of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your ex. Many people bargain with The Powers That Be, promising to be a better person if only the ex will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.

 

4. Depression

 

Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from people even when you’re with them, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and (the big one) hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating, It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.

 

5. Acceptance

 

Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. Sometimes it feels like this phase will never come, which usually means you’re still struggling in an earlier phase.

 

You can go through several at one time and go through them in a different order. The first stage is really when we hold on to hope.

 

I am a BS and yes, your pain is just as real as mine was. I don't know why people say it is not. I thought I wanted the anger stage. It took me five months to hit it. It was worse for me personally. You're pissed and in pain. I am sorry you are hurting. It does get easier with time. But that time is a real bitch to go through.

[Mickey1982]

I think you are in the first step of grieving which is denial.

 

1. Denial

 

In this phase our heart rather than our head rules our belief system as we try to adjust to the idea of life without the person we’re losing. Even though we know the relationship is over, we really don’t believe it. Against the better judgment of everyone around us, we can’t help but entertain fantasies of things somehow working out. We see hidden glimmers of hope buried in clear indications that it’s over. Yes, this is the phase where we are most susceptible to late night texting.

 

2. Anger

 

Anger can manifest in many different ways – anger at your ex (“How could he do this to me? Why can’t she stop being selfish?”), anger at God or the universe (“Why can’t anything ever work out for me? Why am I cursed?”), anger at people or situations associated with the break-up (anger at the other woman; anger that your partner lost her job, because that is when she “changed”), and anger at other people who don’t agree or stand with your anger (“Can you believe George and Jane still want to be friends with him after what he did to me?”). This is the phase where we think it’s a great idea to tell anyone and everyone what a psycho-crazy vixen our ex was. This is also when we think it’s crucial to send our ex hateful emails because we don’t want him thinking he got away with anything.

 

3. Bargaining

 

Bargaining often goes hand in hand with denial. Bargaining can be looking for any possible way to make the relationship work through negotiation, threats, and/or magic – for example, telling your ex that you will change, or move or go to therapy, or telling him he is hurting the children, his family, your family, and the dog by leaving. And, of course, this phase is not only limited to bargaining with your ex. Many people bargain with The Powers That Be, promising to be a better person if only the ex will come back. During this stage, you may take a new interest in astrology, tarot cards or any type of voodoo that will forecast a reunion. This is also when we attempt to enlist all friends and family to “talk some sense” into him.

 

4. Depression

 

Depression, like anger, also surfaces in many different forms, for example feeling tired all the time, not wanting to do anything but lay in bed, feeling disconnected from people even when you’re with them, being on the verge of tears most of the time, trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, loss of appetite or overeating, increase in drug or alcohol use and (the big one) hopelessness. Hopelessness is the most pervasive and debilitating, It is the thing that leads us to believe that nothing will ever be or feel different than it is right now. Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future.

 

5. Acceptance

 

Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit, interspersed with some of the other phases. Acceptance doesn’t always involve harmony and flowers – there is almost certain to be lingering sadness. Acceptance entails making peace with the loss, letting go of the relationship and slowly moving forward with your life. Sometimes it feels like this phase will never come, which usually means you’re still struggling in an earlier phase.

 

You can go through several at one time and go through them in a different order. The first stage is really when we hold on to hope.

 

I am a BS and yes, your pain is just as real as mine was. I don't know why people say it is not. I thought I wanted the anger stage. It took me five months to hit it. It was worse for me personally. You're pissed and in pain. I am sorry you are hurting. It does get easier with time. But that time is a real bitch to go through.

 

 

Thank you! SOOOO apprecaite the help!