Do we really ever move on?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You say that it is easier now---can I ask when you finally 'turned the corner?' Did you have a d-day? And, were you NC from the time of the break-up?

 

 

Had two ddays - one where his wife discovered (you can read my previous posts) and the three of us sat down and talked and she didn't want anyone to know, so we continued another 3-4 months and then the final dday where my husband found out and the nuclear bomb went off. We were made to go no contact, but we had established a secret email account to keep in contact and talked probably once a week for two months, then he confessed the contact and we went no contact and for two more months - a big blow up where we met to bury a box for a baby I lost and then complete no contact for now 4 years.

 

 

 

It took me a long time because I made so many mistakes. Probably longer than it should have because of the drama that surrounded the entire thing with the church involved and the small town, etc. His parents and her mom living in the same town as us, etc. Also a few people that stirred the pot continually. Then my husband had an affair which changed the focus for me.

 

 

I would say it took a couple of years for me to really switch off. Getting rid of social media was the biggest thing for me. And really being strict about not looking at ANYTHING - I mean ANYTHING that had to do with xmom, his wife, cronies, whatever - that in and of itself was truly the thing that pushed me over the hump besides really reinvesting myself in the things I enjoyed (like music and theater) and joining a new club, exercising, going out with girlfriends, etc. In fact, I finished the first theater production this past weekend that I have done in 10 years - rediscovering passion in art. AND that was something xmom didn't enjoy and I gave up for awhile - ridiculous.

 

 

It takes time - but you have to work at it - you really do. You must fix your mind and stay the course.

[Mickey1982]

Had two ddays - one where his wife discovered (you can read my previous posts) and the three of us sat down and talked and she didn't want anyone to know, so we continued another 3-4 months and then the final dday where my husband found out and the nuclear bomb went off. We were made to go no contact, but we had established a secret email account to keep in contact and talked probably once a week for two months, then he confessed the contact and we went no contact and for two more months - a big blow up where we met to bury a box for a baby I lost and then complete no contact for now 4 years.

 

 

 

It took me a long time because I made so many mistakes. Probably longer than it should have because of the drama that surrounded the entire thing with the church involved and the small town, etc. His parents and her mom living in the same town as us, etc. Also a few people that stirred the pot continually. Then my husband had an affair which changed the focus for me.

 

 

I would say it took a couple of years for me to really switch off. Getting rid of social media was the biggest thing for me. And really being strict about not looking at ANYTHING - I mean ANYTHING that had to do with xmom, his wife, cronies, whatever - that in and of itself was truly the thing that pushed me over the hump besides really reinvesting myself in the things I enjoyed (like music and theater) and joining a new club, exercising, going out with girlfriends, etc. In fact, I finished the first theater production this past weekend that I have done in 10 years - rediscovering passion in art. AND that was something xmom didn't enjoy and I gave up for awhile - ridiculous.

 

 

It takes time - but you have to work at it - you really do. You must fix your mind and stay the course.

 

 

I admire your strength and can only hope to have the same as the months go by. thank you for sharing your story with me......

[Wambo]

Why would you think that's helpful? Mickey is single.

 

Yes I know and it has nothing to do with the article. I highlighted a paragraphy because it explain roughly why husband and wifes pull away from each other. This is why men are seeking mistresses outside their marriage and string them along. They simply crave sex and the fun side of the relationship.

The truth is most people here are not involved in an exit affair or they wouldn't be posting here in the first place. The reason why people are posting here because they're trapped in an affair and it's not going anywhere. Like it not but many posters here are being treated as mistresses and they are unaware of it.

[Popsicle]

No, it is not what I mean. The AFFAIR break-up compares to NO other break-up reagrdless who was the dumper or dumpee. Others will agree with me on this as well.

 

I just don't get why you think the hurt is greater.

 

 

The affair break up is tough because it is hard to get support...other than here. A couple friends I've shared my saga with have minimized my hurt and angst and basically said "Well, you shouldn't have been with him anyway." Not a lot of support out there for the cast aside OW. I think it is also different from a normal break up because often the MM/MW will put themselves full back into their marriage in hopes of keeping the affair secret and/or actually restoring the marriage while we are left to grieve the end.

 

I agree that there is less support than a traditional breakup, but I, for one, do not believe that MM/MW don't grieve the loss once the A has ended. I'm sure plenty of married folks here will agree with me, including MM.

 

And as a single women, you can find someone else to be with. You have hope to find love with someone else. MM/MW don't have support or anyone to talk to about this either. They can't even talk to their friends like you can. I often think that MM and MW who are miserable in their marriage have it worse than single OW/OM.

[movingon45]

Just out of curiosity and based on what I am hearing….it appears that most OW who have gone thru NC for extended periods of time (more than 6 months to years), would still have the wind knocked out of them if their ex were to contact them today.

It seems that there is no time limit on how long it takes to "get over" these exAPs. I’m starting to think that even if you say you had moved on and were only occasionally thinking of him, even the slightest contact can set you back to square one.

Do we truly never ever stop loving them, but just accept that we aren't going to be together, and go on as best we can? I’m only 9 weeks of NC post d-day and wonder if I am fooling myself into thinking I’ll ever reach the point of being able to really walk away and get over him.

 

This has actually been on my mind! We've been on and off because I know I have to let go, however, I can't resist not responding to his thoughtful texts. I am obsessive, I know. I think that he will always be on my mind even though we no longer see each other.

 

Just the other day he sent me a musical composition that he composed just for me and I thought that it was the most touching and romantic thing that one can do. However we argued because I couldn't understand what he was trying to say via the music and he got impatient. So now we're on NC and I'm obsessed looking at my phone again.

 

It gets better each passing day, but I think that I will never completely move on.

 

We should not have crossed the line.

[Popsicle]

Yes I know and it has nothing to do with the article. I highlighted a paragraphy because it explain roughly why husband and wifes pull away from each other. This is why men are seeking mistresses outside their marriage and string them along. They simply crave sex and the fun side of the relationship.

The truth is most people here are not involved in an exit affair or they wouldn't be posting here in the first place. The reason why people are posting here because they're trapped in an affair and it's not going anywhere. Like it not but many posters here are being treated as mistresses and they are unaware of it.

 

 

If it was just sex for you, then why were you so depressed and why did you say that you did love your OW above?

[Ailsa1983]

If his wife confronted you i bet it wouldn't take you as long to get over him, this is what happened to us we had a D-Day both families found out and all hell broke loose. In the end the drama made me despise him and it turned into a competition of sorts between his wife and myself. Now when I think of the Affair (which was almost 2 years) I can't see any good things all I can remember is the fall-out, the pain, misery and self destruction we caused.

[Mickey1982]

I just don't get why you think the hurt is greater.

 

 

 

 

I agree that there is less support than a traditional breakup, but I, for one, do not believe that MM/MW don't grieve the loss once the A has ended. I'm sure plenty of married folks here will agree with me, including MM.

 

And as a single women, you can find someone else to be with. You have hope to find love with someone else. MM/MW don't have support or anyone to talk to about this either. They can't even talk to their friends like you can. I often think that MM and MW who are miserable in their marriage have it worse than single OW/OM.

 

 

Popsicle, just read many of the other posters on here who agree with me...I am not so sure why you continue to disagree, but that is my experience and the opinion of countless others. That is what I feel and whether or not I am single, married or otherwise is not relevant. It hurts because it was an affair break-up, not beacuse of my marital status.

 

Please understand what others and myself are feeling and let this go.

[Mickey1982]

If his wife confronted you i bet it wouldn't take you as long to get over him, this is what happened to us we had a D-Day both families found out and all hell broke loose. In the end the drama made me despise him and it turned into a competition of sorts between his wife and myself. Now when I think of the Affair (which was almost 2 years) I can't see any good things all I can remember is the fall-out, the pain, misery and self destruction we caused.

 

 

Hi Ailsa, your post has (I think) answered some of the questions I have been struggling with. He had a d-day and I did not. He dropped me like a hot potato after d-day albeit a few texts. He proclaimed that he was now happy in his quickly 'repaired' marriage (marriage became wonderful in the week after d-day) and was finally feeling peace.

 

So, my question to you is whether or not you would have the same feelings you do now if a d-day was not experienced? Do you think that you would still despise him and feel that no good came of the affair?

 

I would be SO interested to hear your thoughts on this!!!!!!!

[Lovemesomehim]

I know I made the right decision on walking away.

If he were to appear today with divorce papers in hand, I would be reluctant to give him a chance.

My eyes have been opened since I found out all the lies. After reading post after post about heartbreak, I could not put myself through it with anyone who willingly deceives someone else. I've had my share of heartache throughout my life. LOve hurts! LOL

[Ailsa1983]

Hi Ailsa, your post has (I think) answered some of the questions I have been struggling with. He had a d-day and I did not. He dropped me like a hot potato after d-day albeit a few texts. He proclaimed that he was now happy in his quickly 'repaired' marriage (marriage became wonderful in the week after d-day) and was finally feeling peace.

 

So, my question to you is whether or not you would have the same feelings you do now if a d-day was not experienced? Do you think that you would still despise him and feel that no good came of the affair?

 

I would be SO interested to hear your thoughts on this!!!!!!!

 

Honestly I don't know, we live in the same small town so my guess is we would never have ended it if we hadn't been caught, we would still be pushing and pulling at each other until inevitably we got caught ... Which we did.

 

He proclaimed he was happy again bla bla didn't stop him texting me and asking if I was ok but he didn't stop her crazy antics either but I guess he couldnt as she was the innocent party in the mess along with my husband and the kids involved.

 

To answer your question I think we would have at one point grown tired with each other or more so me with him, I was in a dead marriage and he was keeping me in it I felt everything was great I got to keep my family but also kept the "love of my life" there was many occasions we split up and I clearly remember the agony wondering what he was doing was he having sex with her, did he think of me at all, I guess he did because he always came back saying how he couldn't not see me ever again and the days we were not talking were horrible for him.

 

He's still with her and I hope them well (they have been married for 30 years and he is 20 years older than I) I know he isn't happy he tells me often enough but I'm now at the stage where I couldn't care less about him or his marriage. As long as they stay away from me I will stay away from them (still in same small town which can be very awkward at times)

 

Have a think about what or how you would react if his wife confronted you, how you would feel if she told all your friends, family and colleagues about your affair. I've been there and trust me it ain't pretty I'm still frowned upon in town and some women cling to their husbands when I'm around (which I laugh about now)