Getting my language friend to meet me, finally?

[racer120]

Hello,

 

I don't know where to start this story honestly.

 

I've known a Russian girl for about 4 years now, through facebook.

I had a crush on her back then, but it didn't work out because of a lack of understanding between us.

 

Now, since winter, things have taken a different twist. All that time, we rarely chatted. However, I did begin taking up the language, and she offered to help me with this (mind you, still in chat or mail form, not actual skype).

Through this language help, we actually got closer and started talking more, much more than before. I reckon she knows I have a soft spot for her, because she ocaissionally sends me photos of herself, something I like very much.

The problem is, after being very casual about it for some months, I actually fell for her again.

 

In early May, I will be visiting her city, initially because of a festival I wanted to see.

I am really not sure how I should ask her to meet up. Maybe she will be disappointed with my language skills or more. Anyway, I will go for 6 days, and I'm afraid if she says no (or diverts attention) all my holiday + my heart will be broken.

 

Briefly touching upon it, I can't help feel that chances are not positive. She knows I will be there, but I really don't have a clue what to do.

Further still, I feel by going there, I might actually ruin what has been a good, if funny friendship.

 

However, if I do manage to pull this off and get to meet her, with mutual liking, than it would be quite an improbably but lovely story.

 

Could you help me?

[TAV]

I'm confused. She knows you are visiting her home town and she hasn't mentioned meeting up?

[racer120]

well yes.

 

I said I would be visiting that festival again this year, of which she knows the exact date. She didn't mention possibly meeting.

 

I wish I could just be straightforward and simply ask.

[TAV]

Again? You were there before and you did not meet at that time either? If your official status is just that of facebook friends and not lovers, I do not see why she would not be willing to meet you. Or even would be eager to meet you? I think that would be pretty normal if you have been talking for such a long time? Unless the conversations/pictures have a different tone/meaning; then mabye she's afraid to take it to real life.

In your head this may hold all the ingredients of a beautiful love affair but if she is not even excited about seeing you when you are so near, she is obviously not feeling the same way. I'm sorry.

I think that is why you feel you cannot just ask her straightforward because you are too afraid she is going to reject you.

[MidwestUSA]

well yes.

 

I said I would be visiting that festival again this year, of which she knows the exact date. She didn't mention possibly meeting.

 

I wish I could just be straightforward and simply ask.

 

It would be ridiculous to NOT ask! Imagine this - you go, and are back home. She finds out the trip came and went, and says 'Why didn't you contact me?'

 

 

Are you going to need someone to show you around for a day or so? Approach it from that angle. Why do you feel your friendship would be in danger if a romantic connection is not there? Are you willing to keep things at simply a friendship level?

[racer120]

well, for some reason, I believe asking her to meet would sort of spoil our friendship.

 

I guess the reverse could be true.

[FitChick]

If you are happy settling for friendship, then go and don't meet her. Sounds like she isn't interested and knows you are so doesn't want to encourage you. You might meet someone better now that you sort of know the language. A good excuse to approach a woman, too. Many Russians want to practice English. You could meet someone to show you around, at the very least.

 

What if you met someone and you both fell in love? The US and Russia are not very friendly now with this Ukraine business. Traveling back and forth would be very expensive and exhausting.

[TMichaels]

What if you met someone and you both fell in love? The US and Russia are not very friendly now with this Ukraine business. Traveling back and forth would be very expensive and exhausting.

 

Based on his previous posts, I don't believe he's in the US, but somewhere in the UK or EU.

 

Plus, this isn't his first time looking for love at a distance. Read his other threads for some insight.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 30, 2014 by TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

So, to make it short: you're 25, you've never kissed a girl (not to mention anything else I guess), you've been talking to this LD girl over the internet for 4 years who never showed any interest in you as a man, you went to her hometown once but didn't even ask her to meet you and are ready to repeat the (non)experience.

 

 

Well, you need to take action in your life. Being a scaredy cat won't get you far. And this is especially true because you are a man. Take little steps each time.

 

I'm not sure why you are going there now. Did you give her any hint that you are interested in her more than just a friend? If so, what kind of reaction did you get? I don't know you, so I can't tell if you're just simply a bit shy or you have deeper issues, or pathological fears. So it's quite hard to give any advice.

 

Maybe you can tell a bit more about yourself. And if you went at least near to kissing a girl.

[racer120]

thank you for your messages!

 

@justwhoiam:

 

I was talking to the girl 4 years ago and then 2 or so years with totally nothing. At the start, there was nothing really there. But since 2014 we have been virtually chatting daily. I visited her city last year, when I had actually 'forgotten' about her and met with some other people.

 

Now I'm going again, mainly for the event taking place in May. At least, that was the intention when booking. But now there are other goals. I'd really like to meet her, as she is valuable to me in helping me learn the language and she is fun to chat with.

 

I have a very unsure character and a rather low self-esteem. At times I feel very good, when I accomplished things. But little things can get me down quite easily.

I am very kind, but also very shy, especially when it comes to expressing my feelings or making a move.

 

Have I been close to kissing a girl? Yes, absolutely. But I didn't feel for the girl in question at that time, and therefore couldn't make me do it.

 

thanks guys for the valuable help!

[justwhoiam]

Ok. I guess you could say something like this while you chat with her:

 

"So, I am about to book my trip to your town. I will be staying from (day) to (day). Would you be available on one of those days or more? Is there a chance you have a free day at least so that we can hang out? I know friends I could meet and be with, but I think it's a good chance for us to finally meet for real. What do you think?"

 

See what she says. I hope there's a Saturday and a Sunday in that timespan, so that she might be off work. Also, if you feel she's unsure, try to get the reason why: is it because of her job? Possible previous appointment/date? Family stuff? At that point, let her know it doesn't need to be the two of you alone, you can do something with a circle of friends. And also let her know that you want her to be comfortable with that and with you, so it can just be a quick meetup in a café for half an hour or, if she feels like it, be extended to a whole day doing fun stuff.

 

Don't be scared to ask questions.

 

Regarding your shyness, you might be your worst enemy. Try to keep it under control. And never let it ruin the good things happening to you, allow yourself to enjoy them.

[racer120]

thanks for the help!

 

There is indeed a weekend in the time span. I feel so afraid of popping the question, fear of rejection or of simply no answer to the question at all. That, and the feeling that I'm putting a whole friendship on the line. But if she is a true friend, I imagine she would very much understand my question.

 

Sometimes online I feel there are silences, and fear quite possibly face to face this would be like that too. She is in there to help me with the language first I think. But maybe that is what I can use to ask the question: how much more fun it would be to actually speak it face to face.

 

Is there the sort of 'ideal time' in the chat to ask?

 

Ok. I guess you could say something like this while you chat with her:

 

"So, I am about to book my trip to your town. I will be staying from (day) to (day). Would you be available on one of those days or more? Is there a chance you have a free day at least so that we can hang out? I know friends I could meet and be with, but I think it's a good chance for us to finally meet for real. What do you think?"

 

See what she says. I hope there's a Saturday and a Sunday in that timespan, so that she might be off work. Also, if you feel she's unsure, try to get the reason why: is it because of her job? Possible previous appointment/date? Family stuff? At that point, let her know it doesn't need to be the two of you alone, you can do something with a circle of friends. And also let her know that you want her to be comfortable with that and with you, so it can just be a quick meetup in a café for half an hour or, if she feels like it, be extended to a whole day doing fun stuff.

 

Don't be scared to ask questions.

 

Regarding your shyness, you might be your worst enemy. Try to keep it under control. And never let it ruin the good things happening to you, allow yourself to enjoy them.

Edited April 4, 2014 by racer120

[soccerrprp]

You have no plan. You are going to a foreign country and your enjoyment seems to bank on this girl liking you. Does she know what you look like? I mean, all of you? (minus what's underneath, of course) How can you have a crush on a picture and FB emails???

[justwhoiam]

Is there the sort of 'ideal time' in the chat to ask?

When you normally talk to her. When she's more available to talk. You shouldn't be afraid of what can happen after that. Just don't make any move in person if you meet her, if she doesn't give you hints she likes you. If she starts touching her hair, inclining her head, touching you even briefly, always pointing her feet and body at you, etc. if you get any of those signs, chances are she likes you as more than a friend.

[racer120]

thank you very much!

 

In fact, thinking of it, I feel I may have posted it in the wrong thread category.

 

You are absolutely right, if love should be, it will be then. But I should approach this the way we are, being friends. If things go from there, excellent, if not, we're friends.

 

I asked this morning if she has plans for the suggested dates and she says she hasn't. Still haven't had the guts to simply ask her to meet me. Like "I invite you to meet"...

[racer120]

the good part is that I dared asking: "i will be in your city in May. If you want, we can meet. I invite you".

didn't feel too difficult at the time

 

the bad part is she said: "thank you. I don't think so".

 

I jokingly asked her if she was afraid of me, and then said she didn't have to decide now, she still has time do so.

 

we then went on to chat as normal, which felt very weird. can't say I feel very sad, but that will come I'm sure.

 

Talk of disappointment. In fact, thinking about it, nothing wrong in friends meeting.

 

When is it right to ask her again? And how can I convince her/change her mind, because that's what I want to do.

Edited April 12, 2014 by racer120

[TAV]

Good for you!! Well done on asking her straight up. Much better than fretting about it for days. But you have your answer now. She said no. She is not interested in meeting you in real life. Apparently you are only suitable to relieve her online boredom.

 

If she did not offer an explanation I think she is very rude, especially since you have been talking for so long and she was your tutor in some way. Which online friend would not want to meet the person for real when they happen to be in the neighbourhood. The only reason I can think of is that she knows you want her for more than a friend. Why she would keep leading you on then is another question.

 

I would stop pursuing her now. And if being just friends is not enough for you to go LC.

 

But the positive thing here is that you dared to ask a girl to meet. It will make asking another girl out so much easier since you saw now that the world did not come caving in.

[justwhoiam]

I dared asking: "i will be in your city in May. If you want, we can meet. I invite you".

I see. So you thanked me but didn't follow my advice.

 

she said: "thank you. I don't think so".

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me. But I need to understand better.

1) Did you write that or tell her that on the phone?

2) In all the time you've been talking to her, have you shared personal informaton with her? Like you've never had a girlfriend, etc?

 

When is it right to ask her again?

That way? No more.

 

how can I convince her/change her mind

I need you to answer those questions I asked first.

 

Which online friend would not want to meet the person for real when they happen to be in the neighbourhood.

Not everyone jumps into things the first chance they get.

- She may be shy

- She may want things to remain as they are

- She might be afraid of him seeing her real looks

- She might know intimate details about him and feel embarassed

Whatever the reason, she shouldn't feel forced to meet anyone.

 

Also, the OP talked about friendship, and maybe that's just the way HE feels. She was only there for language purposes, and not as a friend. It's a lot different.

 

I would stop pursuing her now. And if being just friends is not enough for you to go LC.

Well, if it was clear he's pursuing her, and she's not comfortable with that, I can clearly see why a meeting is a no-no. By the way, what is "LC"?

[TMichaels]

By the way, what is "LC"?

 

Limited or low contact as opposed to NC (no contact).

 

Best,

TMichaels

[racer120]

@TAV: thank you for your post. It felt like a massive relief to ask her, even though the result is not what I want at this time. Now I know, for the future, I should simply ask.

@ justwhoiam: thank you for your advice too. Although it sometimes feels hard, I do appreciate it as well.

 

I see. So you thanked me but didn't follow my advice.

 

-> I did actually follow it more or less. First, I made sure I had her attention. Then I mentioned I would be in her city for the festivities, of which she knows the exact dates. Subsequently I said/asked if she wanted we could meet.

Her answer to this was: thank you. I think not.

Then I said: I think it would be fun to finally meet. Always welcome. No need to decide right now. To which she said 'ok'

 

Somehow, that doesn't surprise me. But I need to understand better.

1) Did you write that or tell her that on the phone?

2) In all the time you've been talking to her, have you shared personal informaton with her? Like you've never had a girlfriend, etc?

1) write, as always

2) personal info: yes, quite a lot as well, but not on the level you are implying. Neither has she.

She knows I like her and sometimes makes photos or videos for me, either of the 'environment' or photos of herself. We discuss things like our family, but not the relationship level.

(Thanks for rubbing it in about never having had a girlfriend.)

 

That way? No more.

OK, waiting for your advice on alternatives; so as to turn the situation around. Less than a month to go.

 

I need you to answer those questions I asked first.

done.

 

---

 

just as a general remark: if she really sees me just as an "online time passer", and not even a friend, then why

1) does she send me messages while I'm away, sometimes making whole documents for me or videos of where she lives? (it means she's not thinking of me, right...?)

2) if I'm away for a few days, she will contact me?

3) when we talk about the language, we always end up chatting about different, fun stuff?

4) was she the one, after our contact faded at the end of 2011, to take the initiative to be closer again

5) are we, after months, chatting nearly every day? In fact, a few weeks ago, I remember I feared being boring and there would be days without contact. Now there is no such thing anymore - we manage to keep chatting without boredom even coming to mind, let alone a day or two out. Also, she is more and more often the one to initiate the chat.

 

__

As for the short term, I think it would be opportune not to be online for a little while.

[justwhoiam]

thank you for your advice too. Although it sometimes feels hard, I do appreciate it as well.

Yeah, I know. I'm quite straightforward. But I'm glad you didn't get offended. I always mean well and try to help.

 

-> I did actually follow it more or less.

Probably less and not more... You did it your own way.

 

1) write, as always

Does this mean you never talked to her? I mean no voice talk? If that's the case, why?! Pronunciation and spoken language are important while learning a language.

 

2) personal info: yes, quite a lot as well, but not on the level you are implying.

Ok. I asked, because it would have meant too much information, and it can work as a deterrent.

 

She knows I like her and sometimes makes photos or videos for me, either of the 'environment' or photos of herself.

Maybe she likes showing off? Do the videos and pics have a specific purpose or just for the fun of it? Did she ever send sexy pictures of herself?

 

OK, waiting for your advice on alternatives; so as to turn the situation around. Less than a month to go.

Ok. There is no sure way to go, here. First of all, I would have talked to her on the phone, instead of typing on a screen. That makes a conversation more personal, more real, like there's a real person behind the screen, with less reaction time, because it's more immediate and less filtered. You can hear the tone of her voice, and same for her, and I would say it's harder to say no, without giving any reason why.

Then, I would not be as direct as you were. More relaxed. Letting her know that it doesn't need to be just the two of you, but other people are welcome. So you could meet up as a group of people and hang out or have a drink and spend some time together doing something fun. Or even that if she likes doing something, you'd be happy to join. But again, it's best you don't insist much, or she will get you're trying too hard. Be natural and relaxed.

And while talking (on the phone), you could bring up some of those times when she sent you pictures and videos (for no apparent reason), and tell her it was fun and that you interpreted it as she was being your friend. See what her reaction is.

 

You're gonna walk on a tightrope with her. You need to be careful to not come across as creepy, but not even as an insecure guy.

 

why

1) does she send me messages while I'm away, sometimes making whole documents for me or videos of where she lives? (it means she's not thinking of me, right...?)

2) if I'm away for a few days, she will contact me?

3) when we talk about the language, we always end up chatting about different, fun stuff?

4) was she the one, after our contact faded at the end of 2011, to take the initiative to be closer again

5) are we, after months, chatting nearly every day? In fact, a few weeks ago, I remember I feared being boring and there would be days without contact. Now there is no such thing anymore - we manage to keep chatting without boredom even coming to mind, let alone a day or two out. Also, she is more and more often the one to initiate the chat.

1) Don't read things everywhere. Sometimes people just like doing fun stuff, or maybe you showed appreciation and she's providing more material for you to enjoy.

2) She's used to talking to you?

3) Well, you're not in a school environment and not face-to-face. It's easier to have some barriers down during a virtual conversation.

4) She missed talking to you? Or: does she speak your language too? Maybe she's getting advantage of what you can offer. If you can help her learn your language.

5) Online chats can be addictive.

 

But you might be right and she has an interest in you.

 

As for the short term, I think it would be opportune not to be online for a little while.

I didn't get this.

[racer120]

thank you for your feedback.

 

What I meant with the last line was -> maybe it's better if we don't chat for a while now. Maybe to let things sink in (or something). I already distanced myself from that idea and will chat if she is up to it.

 

I do agree we need to step it up if we want to meet. With stepping up, I mean ideally I'd get her to skype me. In fact, around the new years period she added me on her skype contacts but we never really did anything with it.

Maybe I should say I have a speaking exercise coming up and it would be good to talk this over, rather than chatting?

 

The pics actually don't serve too much of a purpose. They are not sexual in nature, just fun and showing herself (selfies) -which I'm sure she knows I like.

She looks nice in them. I imagine most of them are taken especially for me (we had a discussion about her hairstyle for instance, and I jokingly suggested to wear it in some bizarre way, which she subsequently did the following day and took a picture of at work).

 

As for my directness. I had vaguely suggested it to her a few times. She certainly knew I would be in town. I thought I better conquer my shyness, and I just put the question directly to her. In fact, I thought I did pretty well, leaving the door open to difference of opinion and suggesting it would be nice simply to meet up. When asking if it was her being afraid of me, she answered: "o yes, you are very scary xD"

But yes, agreed, asking on the phone, or skype would be better.

I imagine she still lives with her parents, and if you know Russian housing style, you will know it is not opportune for privacy.

I reckon she likes me as her foreign friend who not only likes her language, but also her country, and herself. But when push comes to shove, I think she may in fact be shy (like me).

 

For your info: she doesn't speak my language no, and she doesn't follow it either.

 

I think she likes me, but has a bit more of a realist view of things (as compared to my idealistic view).

Basically what I need now is something that will make her think of me (in case she wouldn't already). Something that changes her mind.

 

Title thread is quite right: my mission to get her to meet me. I mean seriously, if it's not love, I don't mind too much. But certainly there is some degree of friendship there. Would be great just to meet her, if only for coffee, so I could show my gratitude for her help (and for who she is, if it comes to that).

Edited April 13, 2014 by racer120

[TMichaels]

the bad part is she said: "thank you. I don't think so".

 

I think she likes me, but has a bit more of a realist view of things (as compared to my idealistic view).

Basically what I need now is something that will make her think of me (in case she wouldn't already). Something that changes her mind.

 

Is the online Russian-language tutoring this girl is providing through some sort of organized program?

 

If so, has it occurred to you that it may be against the rules of the program or strongly advised by the program organizers that tutors keep their"relationships" strictly professional as in prohibiting/discouraging offline contact -- perhaps to the degree that if a tutor does fraternize with his/her students, they are dismissed from the program?

 

I would imagine this girl is not just tutoring people because she has a passion for the language or teaching. Chances are, she's doing it because she needs the money therefore it would make sense that she doesn't want to jeopardize her job.

 

Just a thought...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[MidwestUSA]

Are you absolutely sure you're not being catfished? I just watched a couple episodes of the series, and was shocked at how elaborate some of the scams are, and how long they've gone on. Fake Facebook profiles, mutual friends that lend credit to the story, on and on.

 

She sends you pictures of herself; they could easily be pics of someone who's in on it with her. Hence her hesitation at meeting in person.

 

 

Just a thought.

[racer120]

@TMichaels: no, she has a full time job. She helps me with the language in her free time (weekends and evenings).

@MidwestUSA: I had never heard of "catfished" before. Why would she do that and help me so much with the language? Her newest photos may not be the nicest I have ever seen, but I don't care, I like her for what she does and means to me. She also made some photos specifically for me, so I think that's another theory out of the window.

 

mind you, since the chat yesterday in which I popped the question, I haven't chatted to her anymore (hasn't messaged me in the meantime)