i'm the bad child

[i.want.out.]

Hello all,

 

despite being more financially better-off than my other siblings, I am the one who does not help out in any shape or form (financially and in other ways).

Why? I put it down to strained relationship with my parents/siblings, and the enduring resentment, especially since our issues are still unresolved (and they will never see anything wrong with themselves).

Today, I learnt that my siblings are helping my mum redecorate the house, a project I had shared with my mum and mentioned a while ago, when we were on better terms. My mum had told me to keep my money and save it for other things. She also discouraged me because she said it was a huge undertaking.

I don't understand how now, she is ok with my siblings doing it? I am feeling quite upset.

 

My siblings helping my mum is making me look bad, but all the changes I had wanted to make vanished with our heated regular arguments. To show my feelings, I try to keep as little contact with them as necessary, and do not contribute towards anything (especially when my parents made unreasonable demands on me, which made me waste 2000 dollars just to please them!)

 

I don't know how to deal with the guilt.

[preraph]

It's unclear whether or not you are living with them. You say as little contact as possible, but the only reason I can think of siblings would be contributing is if they lived there. So number one, if you live there, move out. You said yourself you're doing well. Number two, once you move out, you no longer need to contribute, assuming your parents are still functioning/working/solvent. And if they're not, then they shouldn't be wasting money remodeling.

 

Not sure if you could be from different culture. I'm in the US. We don't normally give our parents money unless we are adults living under their roof OR they are very old and unable to make ends meet, and even then there's usually different avenues to help.

[pie2]

Family dynamics are so complex. It's hard to get a clear picture, without knowing more. But, remember that parents are humans, and are fallible. They too have their own issues and dysfunctions.

 

 

I really don't know your situation, but is there anything about your financial independence that is threatening to your parents? Do you think they like the feeling of being more needed by your siblings, and sort of foster that bond? Like, they encourage ways for your siblings to remain indebted to them (and never leave them)? Whereas you have already proven yourself to be strong and independent. Sometimes parents resent that as I think they get scared of their children leaving for good (and being alone).

 

 

Have you told your parents how this makes you feel? Although it would be difficult, what if you offer to help? I know you came up with the idea, but your parents probably know that, and might be very humbled to see you taking the high road and helping anyways (without all the glory).