A Changed Man

[Joseph H]

Thx Stead.

 

I guess my biggest fear right now is being a fool again. Was lied to before. Was asked to give her time off. And she spent it in another man's arms...

 

I just dont know if its different this time.

 

Personally, this time, inside, I have already started to let go. I feel less and less for her everyday.

 

But the only thing I cannot grasp is, even when I pushed her for an answer, either reconcile and seek therapy or divorce... In the end, she said it was too soon, so I said divorce.

 

So if she really is doing the cheater's dance...why didnt she end it? I already chose to end this BS. No more mind games. No more waiting. No more torturing...

 

Still she said that she hopes I would give her time...

 

 

 

I did some reading the other day... Now, I think I am feeling whats inside her.

 

When we got married, I have not gotten over her lie of cheating. My ex and her... Both did the same to me. I was still wounded but I loved her like mad. Honestly, thinking back, no idea why I proposed except that I loved her.

 

But the early months of our marriage, every fight we had, big ones, I yelled for divorce. I was still defensive. Ready to walk. She kept saying she does not believe in divorce.

 

Then over the years, I slowly let my guard down. Trusted her. But I have pushed her away. I remember now, everytime she tries to talk to me about something serious, finances, kids, our lives, I get defensive. I would discredit her facts, our blow it off as nagging...or I would just give excuses and remain inactive in taking action to change.

 

 

Over the course of 5 years, she put up with this...starting with the early marriage threats of divorce from me...

 

Thinking back now...

 

 

She left the other man. She came back to me when she could have continued searching for another... She chose me. Because she trusts me.

 

She gave me her heart. Believing I would protect her, physicsally, emotionally and mentally.

 

My actions... All i did was shred it. Trample it. Wound it.

 

 

I never realised how negligent I was as a husband. Thinking that I just give into her every now and then, not flirt or cheat, love her often (sex)... i thought that was enough.

 

She seemed content. But I guess I was wrong.

 

I dont know. Now thinking back... I feel guilty. I hardened her heart. It was I that built that wall. I contributed every brick and stone...

 

 

For once in my life, I have found something I cannot fix.

 

I tried to feel what she would feel if all those things I did, happened to me. I broke down. I felt so much pain. Worse than the pain of losing my wife and marriage. It just hurts...

 

 

But... i just keep praying to God. Prayers are helping me stay sane.

 

I dont know what to say to her anymore...

 

Tomorrow, I will be moving out... I will start focusing on my own life again.

 

Whatever happens... I will prepare myself for it.

 

I want to tell her that I see her true pain now. The one I caused. Perhaps that is really why she no longer feels anything for me... It seems to be the only logical reason...

 

But I cant find the words to say to her. Rather, I put it on a piece of paper.

 

Not even sure if I should leave her this letter...

[Steadfast]

OK Joseph, let me get this straight: In order to be successfully married one needs to be perfect. No mistakes, no selfishness, boundless energy and unwavering devotion? If you can pull that off you'll have your pick dude.

 

But you couldn't then won't later. Better and wiser? Yes, but never perfect.

 

Please read my words carefully so I don't repeat myself, boring you and anyone else reading this. I promise this direction is right for you. OK?

 

Maybe your actions did cause her to leave, maybe they didn't. Honestly? It's probably a mixture of her feelings towards you and her feelings. Period. Whether she has a new man now or gets one later, she'll one day realize that person has issues too, just different ones. She will realize that she traded one set of problems for another. Hell will freeze over before she admits this however, and you'll be the last to know. For obvious reasons.

 

You'll discover the same thing. The Joseph you are deep down will never change. That does not mean you can't work on your failings and better yourself because I believe you can. Most divorced people go through this to some extent. No one likes repeating mistakes. As for your wife, be sure she's not 100% sure of anything either. You can bet her fear is tangible. There's a thousand reasons why she wants you to 'give her time' Not one of them is in your best interest. Didn't she say she's not in love with you?

 

The point; the decision to love and commit works through issues with patience and understanding. Healthy couples build each other up, and each listens to the other because they respect their partner. This practice is learned after it's desired, not the other way around. Marrieds need determination. True love thrives under burden and stress. False love folds.

 

Lesson over. Your reality now is what you'll do going forward. Stop looking in the bomb hole for the fuse. The damage is done. Ease your guilt by pinpointing your issues and making every effort to transform your thinking process to insure you won't feel this way again. Look forward to having the chance to put your resolve in action someday. Live in the now Joseph.

[Joseph H]

Thanks Stead. You are definitely stronger than me. I just need to build up my strength slowly.

 

In a way, I feel my 'healing process' have already started. But in reality, it seems more like 'letting go'.

 

Deep down, I still have a tiny bit of hope that we could get over this hurdle and move on.

 

But like you said, "Live in the NOW" and thats what I am trying to do. Letting go feels like the easiest way for me.

 

I truly appreciate your advice and feedback. I know one of my weakness is falling into that emotional pit of insecurity, fear, anxiety and every thing else that messes with your head and heart.

 

I will do my best to stay strong and stop over thinking things. I have already moved out and waiting for "D-Day" when she gives an answer. Whether it is favorable or not, I know now I need to stay focus on myself. To change my failings so to speak...

 

Thanks again.

[hurts1968]

Thanks Stead. You are definitely stronger than me. I just need to build up my strength slowly.

 

In a way, I feel my 'healing process' have already started. But in reality, it seems more like 'letting go'.

 

Deep down, I still have a tiny bit of hope that we could get over this hurdle and move on.

 

But like you said, "Live in the NOW" and thats what I am trying to do. Letting go feels like the easiest way for me.

 

I truly appreciate your advice and feedback. I know one of my weakness is falling into that emotional pit of insecurity, fear, anxiety and every thing else that messes with your head and heart.

 

I will do my best to stay strong and stop over thinking things. I have already moved out and waiting for "D-Day" when she gives an answer. Whether it is favorable or not, I know now I need to stay focus on myself. To change my failings so to speak...

 

Thanks again.

 

 

 

How's things going Joseph H?

 

Be strong, you are stronger than you think!!! we all are!

[Joseph H]

Not so good, Stead.

 

I moved out on Monday night... I went home on Tuesday afternoon to grab some stuff I forgot.

 

The house was a little neater... She NEVER cleans the house. She removed the baby seat from her car. (Never took it out)...

 

Her computer was on and there was a search for location and direction to a classy Italian Restaurant and Bar...

 

The house porch lights was turned on...it was 3pm. And the doors were fully bolted. Normally, this is only done when she is coming home late...

 

In short, she was probably going out for dinner and drinks.

 

 

On the second night of our time apart?!

 

Seriously? We agreed its for her to spend more time to study and think abt the relationship and now she's probably using it to date other men.... Like what she did before we got married.

 

 

Of course she could have gone in a group but I dont know...

 

I feel extremely hurt and extremely depressed right now. Not sure how I am going to last another 7 weeks.

[hurts1968]

Not so good, Stead.

 

I moved out on Monday night... I went home on Tuesday afternoon to grab some stuff I forgot.

 

The house was a little neater... She NEVER cleans the house. She removed the baby seat from her car. (Never took it out)...

 

Her computer was on and there was a search for location and direction to a classy Italian Restaurant and Bar...

 

The house porch lights was turned on...it was 3pm. And the doors were fully bolted. Normally, this is only done when she is coming home late...

 

In short, she was probably going out for dinner and drinks.

 

 

On the second night of our time apart?!

 

Seriously? We agreed its for her to spend more time to study and think abt the relationship and now she's probably using it to date other men.... Like what she did before we got married.

 

 

Of course she could have gone in a group but I dont know...

 

I feel extremely hurt and extremely depressed right now. Not sure how I am going to last another 7 weeks.

 

 

 

Mate...i think she is taking you for a ride

 

She's in her own world and doing her own things and sounds like she has forgot you are even alive.

 

I know it's hard and I can't really say anything as I'm not even taking my own advice but MOVE ON!

 

Let her go!

[No Limit]

She isn't your wife anymore. Now she's just some woman.

You won't get her back, her mind has stopped working properly. Imagine a car whose motor stops working and sadly cannot be repaired.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but yeah, letting go is the only option you have.

[Joseph H]

Its officially over. After only 2 weeks, she called me for a chat.

 

Said there is no chance for reconciliation.

 

We will discuss the terms of divorce next week.

 

This pain...its unbearable.

[dome]

Read some of those replies you have been given in this thread.

We ALL know that pain and it seems intolerable (I have separated from my wife only 2 weeks ago and there is no chance of reconciliation).

Even though I can't see it I am hanging onto some of the things said in this thread. There is a path, others have taken it. Hang in there.

[No Limit]

OP, it was over long ago. You just didn't want to accept it.

[Joseph H]

Well, I have accepted it now, in a way, it was slapped into my face.

 

I feel a little upset and disappointed at her... Surprisingly, not as bad as I thought it would be. I just feel the urge to start meeting other people. Women especially. Just meet up. Make friends. Platonic...really and honestly...just platonic.

 

I realise, my STBXW is not worth hurting over. Whether she has a third party or not, she is leaving...again. This time... Dragging our girls into it.

 

 

I only hurt...a lot...practically break down everytime...when I think of my girls...not being able to tuck them into bed every night. Watch them play, laugh, do silly things...

 

STBXW said she wont deny me of my father rights. She knows and admits that I am a loving and devoted father. So she said I am welcome to go over anytime I want, to see the girls.

 

 

I just want to get this over with and move on with my life, my business...

 

 

 

 

Any advice on terms and conditions for the divorce? Things I SHOULD put into black and white, etc?

 

Just in case I missed out on anything.

 

My terms:

 

1) I get to see the girls anytime. If I want, I can go over at night and tuck the girls in, etc.

 

2) I get the girls on weekends but I want them to sleep in 1 place only instead of moving around all the time, sleeping in two different places every fortnight.

 

3) The house will be sold. We each take our share of the money to buy condos.

 

4) She needs to return certain family heirloom. I know she has the right to keep them but she is being rather civilized abt this all.

 

5) We will agree to pay our share for all current and future children needs. 50/50.

 

 

Problem is, we CANNOT agree on the education. She is academically much stronger than I am. I am more of the street smart kinda guy. She is more IQ, no EQ type.

 

She wants to be the one to decide on the children's education. I.e. She decides on all schools, language, type of education, etc etc...

 

She is unwilling to compromise on this.

 

I dont agree that sending the kids to the most expensive school will mean they get the best education.

 

This is the only deadlock at the moment in our discussion...

 

Anything else I should put into black and white?