Why would someone do this?

[sooshi]

My ex-fiance were friends for years before we got together. Engaged last summer, he ended it at the end of December.

 

During our relationship, he and my best friend never communicated, but he knew about her (we all live in different cities). They have never met, and rarely ever communicated throughout the time they've known about each other. He knew that she was so important to me that he told me we'd help her pay for her trip to our wedding if she needed help with it. He also knew that my friend would organize her school schedule in a way that she could fly out to our wedding.

 

Shortly after our engagement ended, he started to hit on her. The first time, he was drunk. Apologized to us. Okay. But they talked some more and he started to develop feelings for her. Okay, too. (though I didn't know about this for a while).

 

But then he started to make very bold advances towards her. Wrote her a love song and sent it to me (he'd never written one for me) even after I told him I was uncomfortable with the feelings. I really just needed some time to absorb all of this. But the song hurt.

 

After deleting me on Facebook and keeping her on there, he persisted to pursue my friend even though she told him there was no hope of anything happening between them, and even though he knows she's in a relationship. He has not apologized to any of us.

 

The most he ever said to me was that he acknowledges that he crossed a boundary for me, with my friend, and said that he knows it must be hard that he has feelings for her.

 

This guy wanted to marry me. After I found out about his feelings for her, he told me he was never in love with me. Fine. But even if you're not in love, I know he still cared for me. Why does someone do all of this to someone they've been friends with for years, and not seem to care about hurting their friend in the process? Why does he not seem to see what he has done?? I am so frustrated. He hardly knows my friend! And he chose to walk out of my life.

 

I traveled 10 hours to see him when he was in heavy need of support. I supported him through his major life decisions. I was THERE for him whenever he needed. I was there for him during relapses. Hung in there even after I learned a few months into our engagement that he still had lingering feelings for the girl he dated before me. Not only because he was my fiance, but because he was my FRIEND. And it's like I was just a piece of trash in the end, because he felt lust for someone who was my friend and who was never more mad at anyone in his entire life for blocking him and encouraging my friend to block him (and another person related to my friend). I didn't do it to hurt him to shut him out but to get him to self-inquire as to why this was happening. DUDE, it's because you're being so inconsiderate and disrespectful and you couldn't see it!! THAT'S WHY I BLOCKED YOU. Because you weren't doing what a friend would do. At least TELL me about your intentions before you go and hit on my best friend the way you did. Help me prepare for this.

 

Yes, because we weren't together anymore, he could pursue and date whoever he wants. But this is my best friend, who he KNOWS is important to me.

 

Am I being selfish for being this angry?? Am I overreacting?? I don't know... but GRRR... WTF, seriously. This makes me so frustrated. He's always owned up to his mistakes and he doesn't seem to see anything he's done wrong.

Edited March 30, 2014 by sooshi

[Weallwalkthelongroad]

Whiles it a pretty ****ty thing your ex did, you need to also question what kind of friend your friend really is. A good friend should know that your ex-fiancé is out of bounds.

 

Makes me wonder what is going through her head.

[sooshi]

She didn't say anything to lead him on, but she didn't call him out on his words/actions either. She was trying to be impartial and she didn't take him seriously. She also likes attention from guys, ANY guy, and that conflicted with her morals and principles. She has a problem with liking attention from guys, and she knows it, and does feel bad about not doing what she should have done. She regrets not doing what was right.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I was feeling frustrated and upset and was in a mood to rant. Sometimes I feel like I'm being selfish or wrong by feeling frustrated and angry, but nobody seems to think that my feelings or reactions are unreasonable... except for my ex-fiancé.

[KaliLove]

NO YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH OR UNREASONABLE!!! Your ex and your 'friend' both suck..scrub the scum out of your life for good!!

[iDrumKing]

This is pretty messed up. I feel your frustration when you state all of the experiences you've supported him through. You give your being to someone to help make their life easier and they step out of the picture as if it's nothing.

 

He's crap and your "friend" is getting pretty close to that status. I'm truly sorry for the pain you've gone through for the past few weeks. I got your back.

[WYSWYG]

I feel furious like you after reading that....

 

I you were my sister, that dude will be seeing his dentist tomorrow!.....

 

F that guy and that other one!

[sooshi]

Thanks for your thoughts, guys. So I'm really not just some crazy, selfish girl. That's so good to know!

 

IDK, yeah, I can totally feel that you've got my back. Kali, too.

WYSWYG: I wouldn't want to have his teeth knocked out, but I understand. I'm glad that I'm not being irrational of dramatic about this as I've been made to believe.

[Strength in Healing]

Hell no you aren't selfish, that dude is screwed all up in the head bad. You deserve way better, you've shown through countless posts to be knowledgeable and sweet. It's his loss... HANDS down.

[sooshi]

Thanks, SIH. I see you as a very straightforward kind of person, so I appreciate your insights. Sometimes I get lost in all of this and blame myself for how I reacted. You guys help me see that I don't need to blame myself... at all. Thank you.

[sooshi]

How do I let this gp? How do I make peace with myself, thinking that he resents m and hates me for my reaction and all the while not seeing what he was doing? I am atb peace sometimes, but not consistently. What can I do to stay at peace?

[iDrumKing]

How do I let this gp? How do I make peace with myself, thinking that he resents m and hates me for my reaction and all the while not seeing what he was doing? I am atb peace sometimes, but not consistently. What can I do to stay at peace?

 

It can take days, weeks, months, and even years until he realize the pain in inflicted on someone (you.) It will come in time though.

 

One thing that I've done to stay at peace was doing things that were outside of the relationship realm. I started to do good deeds. For me it naturally made me feel good. Two days ago I was in the drive through. I saw behind was a dad and his son. They weren't in the best of shape car and it was evident that they were't living the most lavish lifestyle. I decided I wanted to pay for their food.

 

Nobody else would notice the deed but the cashier, me and the dad&son. I knew that if I could do things like this, that I was a good person and that someday someone special WILL see that. Now it becomes motivation.

 

Now I hope I somewhat answered your question and concern. I'm in a rush to get to work. Have a great day sooshi!

[sooshi]

edited; sorry, i posted from my phone for the first tjme and my post didn't show up before and reposted the same quesionrs.

Edited March 31, 2014 by sooshi

[KaliLove]

Unfortunately I think the only thing that's going to help is to block them both and let time go by. I'm sorry Soosh..I wish I had a better and easier answer for you but I just don't think there is one.

 

Hugs to you. You're one of my fav posters.

[sooshi]

IDK, thanks as always for your support. I think it's awesome that you did that act of kindness. Keep them going! Unfortunately, doing things like that was a big part of our relationship. Our relationship was based around spreading kindness and similar goodies.

 

Kali, I appreciate your support. You're one of my favorite posters too! Same with IDK. My ex-fiance got SO furious with me and told me I was causing intolerable drama. I didn't mean to cause any at all! After reading a lot of stuff on here and hearing from others, it seems like blocking is pretty common and is used as a means of healing, not causing any drama. I got sucked into his anger and believed him. I'm sure he thinks that I'm just this huge drama queen. I've never done anything like this before and it's like my whole history of good stuff just vanished because he got mad.

 

Oh well. Thanks for being here for me, guys!!

[KaliLove]

IDK, thanks as always for your support. I think it's awesome that you did that act of kindness. Keep them going! Unfortunately, doing things like that was a big part of our relationship. Our relationship was based around spreading kindness and similar goodies.

 

Kali, I appreciate your support. You're one of my favorite posters too! Same with IDK. My ex-fiance got SO furious with me and told me I was causing intolerable drama. I didn't mean to cause any at all! After reading a lot of stuff on here and hearing from others, it seems like blocking is pretty common and is used as a means of healing, not causing any drama. I got sucked into his anger and believed him. I'm sure he thinks that I'm just this huge drama queen. I've never done anything like this before and it's like my whole history of good stuff just vanished because he got mad.

 

Oh well. Thanks for being here for me, guys!!

 

Pssht..nertz to that! Who cares what he thinks? I think you're smart and sensible but that you maybe have a touch of the low self esteemies and a tendency to take responsibility for things that aren't your responsibility..like feeling guilty for icing out an ex who's acting like a butthole.

 

You've done nothing wrong here love. You don't deserve any of this crud. Don't take the blame for other people's douchebaggery.

[sooshi]

I appreciate your thoughts and insights, Kali. I could use more confidence and be less of a doormat than I have been. Working on both. You've been an instrumental role in helping me see more what I need/want to work on. Thank you.

[KaliLove]

I appreciate your thoughts and insights, Kali. I could use more confidence and be less of a doormat than I have been. Working on both. You've been an instrumental role in helping me see more what I need/want to work on. Thank you.

 

Aww stop..you're gonna make my mascara run.

 

Always happy to help..you've been really helpful to me too. You're the only person who doesn't think I'm crazy for doing what I'm doing tonight! Ha!

[sooshi]

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who believed in you!

 

I'm now having doubts about keeping my friend in my life. I'm reflecting on it. She's a great person but hasn't stood up for me throughout this. She has apologized but and shown me that I wasn't in the wrong, but I would have liked her to show my ex what he was doing too. I don't think he'll realize what he has done until someone else shows him. I don't know. Maybe I can't expect her to do anything, I don't know.

 

Oh well (for now)

[redbaron005]

I'm now having doubts about keeping my friend in my life. I'm reflecting on it. She's a great person but hasn't stood up for me throughout this. She has apologized but and shown me that I wasn't in the wrong, but I would have liked her to show my ex what he was doing too. I don't think he'll realize what he has done until someone else shows him. I don't know. Maybe I can't expect her to do anything, I don't know.

 

Not sure this warrants abandoning your friend. She apologized, its not her job to teach your ex a lesson. Nor is it yours. I'd say the best thing for you is to work towards forgiving them both - no easy task by any means.

[KaliLove]

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who believed in you!

 

I'm now having doubts about keeping my friend in my life. I'm reflecting on it. She's a great person but hasn't stood up for me throughout this. She has apologized but and shown me that I wasn't in the wrong, but I would have liked her to show my ex what he was doing too. I don't think he'll realize what he has done until someone else shows him. I don't know. Maybe I can't expect her to do anything, I don't know.

 

Oh well (for now)

 

 

 

Actions speak louder than words unfortunately. She may be saying she's sorry but she's not showing you that she is.

 

 

My guess is that she was enjoying the attention and that's why she didn't block him. If she had loyalty for you, she would have stopped him a long time ago.

[sooshi]

I don't really, really leave her behind, but I do feel hurt that she did nothing to prevent him from continuing his actions. She did admit that she liked the attention. But she also knows that his behavior is unacceptable and it hurt her to be on the receiving end of it all because of the way she thought I would feel.

 

Thanks, redbaron. I will have to work on letting it all go.

[KaliLove]

I don't really, really leave her behind, but I do feel hurt that she did nothing to prevent him from continuing his actions. She did admit that she liked the attention. But she also knows that his behavior is unacceptable and it hurt her to be on the receiving end of it all because of the way she thought I would feel.

 

Thanks, redbaron. I will have to work on letting it all go.

 

Hmm. Well..maybe I'm being too much of a hardass. Trust your gut. If you think she's a good person who just did something stupid and selfish, then don't dump her..but I'd definitely step back for a while.

[sooshi]

Yeah, I don't want to leave her behind completely. She knows she made mistakes, but she has apologized many times and has supported me the best she could... telling me that I wasn't in the wrong, that I'm the least guilty in all of this, etc. I am definitely stepping back for a while though. Need some time and space to heal.

[Trapito]

Uhm.. Am I the only one who thinks it's really weird that he sent the love song (which was meant for her) to you? Idk, but.. Maybe he is trying to yank your chain, make you feel jeleaus, or make tyou feel like ****. I for on, can NOT understand that he 'accidentally' sent it to you. He wanted you to know, he wanted you to hurt. This man is an asshat!

[sooshi]

You're not the only one who thinks that. My friend thinks it was really weird too. Others have said it was inconsiderate, and things along that line. He said he sent it to me because I was one of the few people who actively encouraged him to make music, maybe even the only person, and I believed that. Then I listened to it, and couldn't believe he sent it to me. He told me not to assume what it was about, but how could I not, especially after I found out that my friend was given the same song? (and I KNOW she never encouraged him to make any music). He didn't accidentally send it to me; it was very purposeful. But I still cannot believe he sent me a love song that he wrote for her, especially since I had told him I was uncomfortable with his feelings for her.

 

Also, he had never written me a love song, and we were engaged. And now he wrote a song for someone he barely knows and has never met and has hardly spoken to. It felt like huge punch in the heart.

 

I think that his telling me not to assume what it was about was a way to justify what he must've known of some level that he shouldn't have sent. He told me that it would just be a "whole story" (interpretation). Or maybe he didn't want me to assume because he thought that doing so would hurt, and he didn't want me to hurt, and felt like if I didn't assume anything that I wouldn't be hurt. Surely he would think that my friend would eventually tell me about him sending it to her though. I don't understand his thought process. Maybe he was just being thoughtless about it.

Edited April 2, 2014 by sooshi