Don't do it!

[Johnson1]

And yet there are some of us that are thriving and very happy in loving and successful marriages.

 

If you're on your second marriage. This post is geared toward first marriages and letting people know that the odds of it lasting forever is slim because of all the ups and down of raising kids, financial hardships, etc.

Edited April 14, 2014 by Vocals5

[love1336x]

Life is all about taking chances!

If the marriage fails it fails...

If the marriage last... then happiness! <3

Life isn't perfect...

[Popsicle]

Why would you want to succeed in this world without anyone to share it with? What is your definition of "succeed" anyway? Did it ever occur to you that you just married the wrong person? It happens.

[atlg8r]

Life is all about taking chances!

If the marriage fails it fails...

If the marriage last... then happiness! <3

Life isn't perfect...

 

This is implying no one has control over the success or failure of their marriage. We all have infinite control. It begins with choosing the right person to partner with in life, followed by daily work to be a good partner. If one or both people don't actively do this, the marriage is doomed. I wouldn't want someone with such a lackadaisical attitude toward it.

[Johnson1]

Why would you want to succeed in this world without anyone to share it with? What is your definition of "succeed" anyway? Did it ever occur to you that you just married the wrong person? It happens.

 

To me success is feeling happy in your own skin and not needing anyone. Many people feel they need to 'share' this life with someone as a way to cover up insecurities about how they'll make it in the world without anyone. That's no reason to marry and why so many do and why so many fail.

 

Part of being in a marriage is giving your whole self to that person, but in doing so your life is not in your hands anymore, and you lose control of your own destiny an individuality, and if that person should leave (or if you feel you need to leave them), you'll be lost, but you'll never feel 'lost' if you learn to only care for the only person in the world that matters. Yourself.

 

As far as relationships go, your best bet is to have a love of your life, but live separate. This way things stay fresh because they'll always be that fear of losing them because complacency and familiarity won't set in and you won't take them for granted by letting yourself go physically and/or emotionally (like what happens in 90% of marriages), and you won't become co-dependent on each other, financially or otherwise.

 

That, to me is success.

[Rainbowx]

As far as this other people thing goes I have no idea how to be "normal" or whatever. If I'm in a relationship I don't get attracted to other people or consider anyone else good looking and all that. I'm attracted to the one I love so why add the dramas of looking at other people in that way? I understand how others can be different and have their varying degrees of attraction for people, so long as the relationship is secure no harm done I guess. But it's not for me.

[atlg8r]

To me success is feeling happy in your own skin and not needing anyone. Many people feel they need to 'share' this life with someone as a way to cover up insecurities about how they'll make it in the world without anyone. That's no reason to marry and why so many do and why so many fail.

 

Part of being in a marriage is giving your whole self to that person, but in doing so your life is not in your hands anymore, and you lose control of your own destiny an individuality, and if that person should leave (or if you feel you need to leave them), you'll be lost, but you'll never feel 'lost' if you learn to only care for the only person in the world that matters. Yourself.

 

As far as relationships go, your best bet is to have a love of your life, but live separate. This way things stay fresh because they'll always be that fear of losing them because complacency and familiarity won't set in and you won't take them for granted by letting yourself go physically and/or emotionally (like what happens in 90% of marriages), and you won't become co-dependent on each other, financially or otherwise.

 

That, to me is success.

 

 

1. You have no idea what true love is. (I don't mean the lovey-dovey emotions.)
   
2. You sound like a serious narcissist.
   

[JourneyLady]

Why would you want to succeed in this world without anyone to share it with? What is your definition of "succeed" anyway? Did it ever occur to you that you just married the wrong person? It happens.

 

(or the right person at the wrong time in their life, which also sometimes happens. It's obviously better to grow up first before getting married - some people take longer than others.)

[almond]

but you'll never feel 'lost' if you learn to only care for the only person in the world that matters. Yourself.

 

To care only for yourself and no one else in this world...I cannot imagine a more pitiful existence. To me, this would almost be the definition of a lost soul.

 

I hope you can work through your obvious issues Vocal, because this hatred and bitterness will ruin the rest of your life if you don't sort it out.

 

Good luck - you're gonna need it

Edited April 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted quote redacted

[Johnson1]

1. You have no idea what true love is. (I don't mean the lovey-dovey emotions.)
   
2. You sound like a serious narcissist.
   

 

Was it aging and lack of desirability that made you climb up onto that high horse to rudely pass judgement upon others?

 

 

 

To care only for yourself and no one else in this world...I cannot imagine a more pitiful existence. To me, this would almost be the definition of a lost soul.

 

I hope you can work through your obvious issues Vocal, because this hatred and bitterness will ruin the rest of your life if you don't sort it out.

 

Good luck - you're gonna need it

 

My apologies if my comment about being insecure hit too close to home for both of you. FYI, there are a plenty of single people out there who are happy with who they are. That doesn't make them bitter narcissists.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Vocals5

[Valen]

Vocals5, so just curious now that you have your freedom back, what have you done with your time lately? Where would you rank relationship in your list of priority? And if you were to meet a fabulous woman, would you never settle down again if she wanted to?

[atlg8r]

My apologies if my comment about being insecure hit too close to home for both of you. FYI, there are a plenty of single people out there who are happy with who they are. That doesn't make them bitter narcissists.

 

It's fine to be single and happy with your life. Before I met my fiance, I'd consciously acknowledged that I may not meet anyone that I would ever want to marry and that didn't mean my life wouldn't be happy, successful or fulfilled. My issue was with your comments about being only concerned about yourself. Even if never married, you should find some joy and fulfillment through building other types of relationships with people and helping others.

[CherryT]

To me success is feeling happy in your own skin and not needing anyone. Many people feel they need to 'share' this life with someone as a way to cover up insecurities about how they'll make it in the world without anyone. That's no reason to marry and why so many do and why so many fail.

 

Part of being in a marriage is giving your whole self to that person, but in doing so your life is not in your hands anymore, and you lose control of your own destiny an individuality, and if that person should leave (or if you feel you need to leave them), you'll be lost, but you'll never feel 'lost' if you learn to only care for the only person in the world that matters. Yourself.

 

As far as relationships go, your best bet is to have a love of your life, but live separate. This way things stay fresh because they'll always be that fear of losing them because complacency and familiarity won't set in and you won't take them for granted by letting yourself go physically and/or emotionally (like what happens in 90% of marriages), and you won't become co-dependent on each other, financially or otherwise.

 

That, to me is success.

 

Reading your posts makes me feel really sad for you and what you have been through. You definitely picked the wrong person and/or she picked the wrong person. You have probably found yourself answering 'yes' to questions or agreeing to things, that you didn't actually agree with. But you did... because you thought that's what marriage is about. And potentially unbeknownst to your partner, she may have believed that you actually were on the same page, when you weren't. You just pinpointed what really is the problem for most marriages: Communication. People are afraid to express themselves in their marriage. Why? I don't understand. There is no lost in control, unless you allow it to happen.

 

What you described as "happy" or "successful" is exactly what I have always been. I spent most of my life single. I had one very seriously relationship that lasted years. It could've gone down the marriage route, but he just wasn't the right one for me. So I chose against marrying HIM, not against marriage.

 

I dated here and there, but spent most of my time doing my own thing. I was very comfortable and happy in my own skin. As a woman, I was very independent. Great career, had a lovely house and finances were pretty good, and I got to travel and see friends all over the place. I never felt a need to marry, however if the right person came along, I wasn't opposed to it.

 

Fast forward to me marrying my husband: it was the greatest decision I've ever made. He doesn't limit me or makes me "lose" control. We talk about things and if one of us doesn't agree, we compromise. But compromising never feels like a sacrifice. Having a house to myself, successful career, and the "freedom" to do whatever I want, go wherever I want was great. But it doesn't pale in comparison to how great it is to have those things WITH someone else. It's never a need but a want for us. Even if we didn't ever "agree" to marry, I could not see my life without him in it. I have achieved more career success in the years I have been with him, then when I wasn't. And I thought I was doing pretty good. He encourages me and supports me and I do the same for him. Above all, we have both achieved some of our personal goals and "bucket list" items and although I could've paid to do it myself... it was much more fun with him around!

 

I think the best marriages are those with two people who are continuously working on their relationship. Not every single day is going to be happy and amazing. Hell even other relationships (my boss and I, coworkers and I, parents and I, siblings and I, friends and I) need work too. You can't blame the other person and you can only control yourself and your actions. You cannot say that someone else made you lose focus in your career or made you lose your individuality. You are in control of who you are as a person, you are always in control of yourself. Don't blame someone else for you not living to your own full potential. That's a cop-out.

 

My father at 60+ years of age has raised 3 children, had an outstanding career and is in amazing shape. The guy can outrun me any day and I'm pretty damn fit (marriage or partnership didn't change that). My mom had a career while maintaining a house and children. My parents never let themselves go (physically or emotionally) and us kids never felt like we didn't have them around. They chose their time wisely and were able to accomplish it all. My siblings and I were all in sports too. Sure it wasn't always easy and sh*t got tough at times. But as parents and partners they communicated and worked through it. Now everything is good and my parents are semi-retired. They travel, hang out with friends, and try new things like crossfit and have a sh*t ton of fun together.

 

If you are doing the best you can and it's not working, then it's not the right relationship for you or it isn't the right partner for you. And that is OK. As mentioned, it's like any other relationship (friends, colleagues, etc.) it takes work. However, if made the decision to lose yourself and your individuality and become a doormat... you can't get upset years later or blame someone else for making you "lose" control. You chose to give up control and now you've had enough. When someone plays the victim but cannot see their own contribution to a bigger problem, they are just as guilty in the demise of a relationship. With that, the problem isn't marriage at all, the problem is you and your partner's inability to be in a marriage.

Edited May 5, 2014 by CherryT

[Johnson1]

Vocals5, so just curious now that you have your freedom back, what have you done with your time lately? Where would you rank relationship in your list of priority? And if you were to meet a fabulous woman, would you never settle down again if she wanted to?

 

My time is well spent being happy working toward the person I feel I ought to be and enjoying the things that many single people take for granted.

 

As far as relationships go, it's low on the priority list, not because I'm bitter, but because my plate is full at the present time working on my career and self preservation. There isn't stronger person in this world than a single person who knows their true inner self and their direction in life. That should be everyone's first priority before ever entering a relationship.

 

Would I ever settle down again?

 

I never rule out anything, but the planets would have to align perfectly. She would have to want and enjoy all the same things that I do.

 

Second marriages can be good. It's first marriages that stink because that's when you experience all the trials and tribulations that destroy romance.

[Johnson1]

My issue was with your comments about being only concerned about yourself. Even if never married, you should find some joy and fulfillment through building other types of relationships with people and helping others.

 

Don't go off topic. You're getting into a whole other realm that was never discussed. You're making assumptions correlating singledom with selfishness. Of course you can find joy helping others, but that has nothing to do with marriage, which is what this thread is about.

[Grumpybutfun]

I am in a twenty year first marriage, and I am exactly who I want to be, enlightened and seeking my own spiritual path, enjoying my second career in life, authentically balanced and doing what I want every day. My marriage is the easiest thing I do everyday in my life. My wife is an angel, laid back and calm, and my best friend. We grew together, it seems and have our own existence outside of each other but share our experiences with each other. Not saying singledom isn't all you espouse, I'm just saying that first marriages aren't all like yours. Your experience was terrible, but mine has been amazing. Not all will be bad and not all will be good. It really is about choices, attitude and level of energy one is willing to put into a marriage or LTR.

It is good you are working in yourself. Find out who you are, what you believe and find your path in this world. 32 years is a long time to feel inauthentic so you will need time to process and heal from this. Accept the feelings of regret for time lost, embrace letting go of the anger from this experience and move on.

Best,

Grumps

[Smilecharmer]

What kinds of things are you doing that she didn't allow? What kind of relationship did you have? Was she pretty and liked sex as much as you?

[Valen]

Second marriages can be good. It's first marriages that stink because that's when you experience all the trials and tribulations that destroy romance.

 

I know a guy who thought that and he is now divorced twice.

 

At first he thought his first marriage didn't work out because he got married too young. Then he thought his second marriage will be better because he learned from his first marriage. His second marriage lasted only a few years. He hated his second wife more than his first. Statistically, second marriage has a much higher divorce rate than first marriages.

 

Now, he has no desire for marriages. He avoid women like the plague. All he does is enjoy his time fishing and loving his single life.

 

Marriage will always be a gamble. If you are lucky enough to meet the right partner, it's heaven on earth but for half the population it's hell.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Valen

[atlg8r]

Don't go off topic. You're getting into a whole other realm that was never discussed. You're making assumptions correlating singledom with selfishness. Of course you can find joy helping others, but that has nothing to do with marriage, which is what this thread is about.

 

I am very sorry you picked the wrong person to enter into a first marriage with. If you pick well, based on more than just "feelings", then a first marriage can and should be "it". Not that you won't have troubles, but that you picked a good partner to work through life's tribulations with.